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Out Of The Mailbag – To YW Editor (See you at the Chuppa Soon IY’H)

yw new logo3.jpgDear Editor,

We write to you at Yeshiva World with the fervent hope that you post our letter for your vast readership. If by publicizing our quest, even one Shidduch will come about, you will have succeeded in playing an integral part in building yet another Bais Ne’eman B’Yisroel. Thank you.

The phone rings, someone wanting to redd a shidduch for our daughter, a warm, vibrant and intelligent bas Yisroel.  Responding politely, and with thanks to the caller for thinking of us, we say either that she is busy or sometimes take details and promise to do investigations and get back with an answer.  “Not suitable”, “not quite what we were looking for”, are some of the excuses we give when calling back well meaning relatives / friends or colleagues.

No, we are not being picky.  No, we are not being unrealistic. Unfortunately we are unable to pursue “regular” Shidduchim prospects as we did for our other children. We are conducting her Shidduchim as we have been directed by Daas Torah.

And we are not alone.

There are many for whom Shidduchim take on a very different angle than the norm.  Men and women for whom the already difficult Parsha of Shidduchim becomes a grueling challenge. Someone who has suffered a serious childhood illness, cancer survivor, undergone a transplant, has a genetic disorder, knows of a potential fertility issue or perhaps someone living with a non life-threatening disease.

Like our daughter they are often dynamic and capable young people, living full, productive lives, challenged by the same Shidduch crisis as everyone else – however are unable to go the usual route. They need special partners who are compatible with their special situations. They need Shadchanim who are focused on their unique needs of compatibility. Making the right connections and ‘getting the right exposure, without being exposed’.  It goes without saying that absolute professionalism, understanding and confidentiality are a must.

There are groups and organizations such as Chai Lifeline/Sos Tosis, A TIME, Bonei Olam and Ezra L’Marpeh, amongst others that are involved at different levels in specialized shidduchim.  Over time, we have encountered some of the most dedicated and amazing Shadchanim and individuals.  All giving of their time and energy while their families patiently wait. It is a privilege to work with them and we wish to express our deep appreciation for their continued support, enthusiasm and tireless efforts.

The key is to make contact with these organizations and let them know about your situation or that of your loved one.  In this way the network is broadened.  Please, we appeal of anyone who has such a ‘special’ Shidduch need, or knows of someone who does, or can assist with any positive input to please make contact. Mrs. Bruchi Langsam at 718-851-5393 has specialized in such cases for many years. Dealing with many different situations including mature, divorced or medical, genetic, male and female fertility situations, she will gladly accept anonymous calls.

An alternative is to email to [email protected].  Absolute confidentiality is assured.

We offer our sincerest thanks to Yeshiva World for this forum. “Kol Yisroel Areivim Zeh La’Zeh” – it is our fervent wish that anyone reading this appeal who has any suggestions will respond, and in this way we can help not only our daughter, but many others find their ‘shidduch hagun”.

Please don’t forget us in your tefillos.


“See you at the Chuppa soon IY’H”

19 Responses

  1. Only amongst the nation of nations is there the thoughtfullness and sensitivity to put something like this together. Our character shines and our pride no bounds every time we hear of someone who steps up to the task at hand and put together ,yet another priceless Chaesed organization to help his fellow brother and sister .
    Ashrecha Yisroel Me Komocha
    May Hashem repay you Kifley Kiflayim and as it says Kol Hamispalel B eAd Chavero VeHu Tzricha Loh Hu Nena Techila definitely for one that helps out his friend and doesn’t merely have him in mind in his Tefilos

  2. Beautifully said.Unfortunately,there are many that are in “denial” at some level and won’t call a “special” shadchan ….in the hope that they can go out with a “regular” guy/girl…and just let them know when things get “more serious”…while this may work in some cases a lot of agmas nefesh would be saved by following the writers example.

  3. Perhaps someone knows of a shadchan who deals in shidduchim for children with very mild learning issues but is otherwise OK just a bit atypical?

  4. Can someone please explain why is it that someone who survived a childhood illness, or suffers from some chronic condition is automaically relegated to “special status” when it comes to shiduchim? Especially if the person in question had no problem functioning on a day to day basis? Based upon this stupid caste system, my parents would never have married, nor would I and my wife be married. It seems my children were concieved in error.

  5. Excellent article. Very well written. Thanks to the author for raising such an important and pertinent issue. May many Simchas follow as a result.

  6. This letter is a wake-up call to those of us involved in shidduchim. Sometimes, you get a “no” from someone & you don’t understand why. Here is a perfect example of why we have to be dan l’kaf zchus.

    I hope that the writer’s child should be zoche to the right zivug b’korov!

  7. What a great letter! I wish you many, many Simchos & much Nachas from this child & all your children. With parents like you, your in law children are very fortunate.

  8. I am impressed by the emunah and fortitude these people show. It is very hard and lonely for these people and I hope all goes smoothly and ends with a mazal tov.

  9. I know to some extent what you are talking about. It is very hard to maintain a balance of politeness and keeping your privacy at the same time. I really hope you are zoche to see much nachas from this daughter and all your children. May you walk her to the chupa bikarov mamish.

  10. I would like to bring to the attention of all of viewers the following MaHarsha, Shabbos 31a.

    The Gemara states that one of the questions we ‘all’ will be asked on the Day of Judgment “Osaaktu B’periya V’rivyeah?”. The simple interpretation is “Did you marry and brought children into the world?”. The MaHarsha is bothered by the fact that if this was the sole meaning, than it should have stated “Kiyaamto?” did you fulfill, not “Osaaktu” which implies a continuous preoccupation with something, like we do business all the time.

    The MaHarsha, therefore, interprets “Osaaktu B’periya V’rivyeah?” Did You Busy Yourself With Helping Others to Get Married, such as Orphans?

    Now, I could say with certainty that the MaHarsha brings the example of orphans, because in those days, the orphans were the ones who were neglected, any no one looked out for them. Today, when in comes to Shidduchim, many, even those who are not orphans, are not looked after, but left to own means.

    There is no question in my mind, that the crises of having thousands of our young people being single, is preventing the “Geula Shleimah.”

  11. I understand this mother completely, knowing a number of singles in this situation. I actually wonder if I might have a possible shidduch for this girl. Is there any way I or someone else can get in touch with the mother?

    May we share news of many simchas soon!

  12. I agree with caseroq. Both I and my spouse had “issues” that were for one reason or the other were not brought onto the table. We thank Hashem every day for “hiding” certain things for if not we both would have hesitated on our decision and made the biggest mistake in our life. Everything we did was according to daas torah and Hashem took care of us. We are very happy and do not regret one iota of our decision.

    Everyone in the world has some sort of problem (that is after all why we are here, no one lives a perfect life). You can even marry someone completely “normal” and then end up with a major problem. Someone I know was diagnosed with diabetes (a chronic and potentially life threatening disease) two months after marriage! Another friend had a very hard time having children (which b’H they do now!).

    These are all things that if known before would prevent a shidduch. But l’maseh, it is all in the hands of Hashem and He is the one who makes shidduchim. Whatever you know or do not know is up to Him to decide and guide you to marry the person who are supposed to marry, no matter what that entails.

  13. I was extremely moved reading this letter. Yasher Koach to Yeshiva World for posting. I personally don’t know of anyone for this wonderful Bas Yisroel but I am forwarding the link to my complete e-mail data base and I urge everyone else to do the same. The more people who read this will give this girl and anyone else in the same situation a better chance of finding their match.

    To the parents/daugter, Dovid Hamelach said it best: Be’erev yolin bechi, ve’laboker Rena

  14. I still don’t get it. It seems that the idea is to isolate people with “issues” and be meshadech them amongst themselves and not within the general population. Never minding the closed minded primitivism that under girds such an approach, it’s stupid. Many of the “issues” are genetic. To combine one set of abberant genes with another is probably a recipe for further mutation, i.e. problems. But if the abberant genes are matched with normal ones, the chances of further mutation are less, thereby eradicating the abberant genes over time. (At least that’s how I remember my college biology, but please correct me if I’m wrong)

    More importantly, this idea is simply not Jewish. Avraham didn’t tell Eliezer to look at Rivkah’s medical history nor that of her family. Quite the contrary, Betuel amd his son Lavan were barimpter scoundrels. Moshe Rabbeinu’s shver was a galach. (But what do you expect to get when you’re on the lam for murder?) It was the attributes of the bride and the groom as they appeared at the moment that mattered; not what was in a memo in some folder. The Gemara in Sotah tells us that G-d, on a daily basis, ordains matches. Why must we complicate His job so very much?

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