Menachem was once the pride of his yeshiva. A serious bochur and a child prodigy, everyone believed he was destined for greatness. But as time passed, his interests shifted. Slowly, he transitioned from the path of becoming a talmid chochom to settling into the life of a kovei itim baalebos. While the kehillah shook their heads at what they saw as wasted potential, they comforted themselves with the thought: “Baruch Hashem, at least his phone is filtered.”
Chaim’s story is heartbreakingly different. Raised in a single-parent, low-income home, his challenges were apparent to all. His expulsion from one yeshiva after another barely raised an eyebrow. But when Chaim began wearing an earring and displaying a tattoo, the askanim who had tried to intervene felt defeated. The kehillah mourned a seemingly lost opportunity and asked themselves whether they had failed him.
Yanky was from a respectable family, and though no one expected him to become the next rosh yeshiva, his path seemed secure. That’s why his decision to leave yeshiva and enter the workforce shocked everyone. His sudden announcement sparked questions throughout the kehillah: “Could we have done something to prevent this?”
And then there’s Shloime. A bochur with a stable home and a supportive family, his future looked bright. But in Shiur Beis, whispers emerged about drug use. Eventually, his expulsion confirmed the rumors, leaving the kehillah shaken. Though askanim worked tirelessly to step in, the damage was done. People asked, “How did this happen under our noses?”
These stories are not isolated. Each reflects a quiet tragedy that plays out too often in our kehillos—a bochur with potential slipping through the cracks. These boys were not bad, and they were not hopeless. They simply lacked the right support, guidance, and timely intervention. The question we must ask is: what if someone had been there for them before things unraveled?
In Eretz Yisroel, a remarkable initiative has been developed under the guidance of the Gedolim—a system of independent youth groups or clubs established by kehillos. Select members of the kehillah proactively create a connection with bochurim starting before bar mitzvah, a time when trust is easiest to build. These relationships continue through yeshiva years, ensuring that warning signs are noticed early and the right support is available when it’s needed most.
The results have been astounding. The program’s success has left me wondering: why haven’t similar initiatives been established in Chutz La’aretz? Our kehillos here face the same challenges, and the need is no less urgent.
To any kehillah ready to take action, I would be more than happy to assist in setting up a similar program. Together, we can ensure that no more bochurim slip through the cracks. The solution is within our reach. It’s time to act.
Rabbi Shlomo Dovid Hepner
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23 Responses
I am not sure what happens in the USA etc, but there are already quite a few here in the UK such organisations B”H.
The “at least” mentality reeks of גאוה. Programs are fine, but how about a mentality shift?
How can you lump together a drug user and s/o who becomes a Koveiya Itim Ba’alabas and then call that a tragedy? It is this mindset that causes people to go off the derech completely in the first place–when you know that if you’re not learning full-time, you’ll be looked down upon as a tragedy at either rate and as a second-class citizen. I’m not knocking the initiative to provide bochurim with mentors, but pointing out that we can’t call a solid working man–who is supporting his family and Torah study, no doubt, a ‘tragedy’
“ Slowly, he transitioned from the path of becoming a talmid chochom to settling into the life of a kovei itim baalebos.”
And so???
koveya itim is lekatchila according to satmar rav and chasam sofer etc
listen to these 2 talks
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/244132
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/272280
Punk, Ellie7 and anchuldiks: Exactly!
As long as there are those who consider a koyeiya itim baalhabos to be “less than” at best, or “a tragedy” at worst, we will continue to have a “shidduch crisis” because these fine young men will be overlooked by yeshivish parents of bais yaakov girls, because they will only consider full-time learners. When did this krum mindset begin?
THE MAIN THING IS SELF CONFIDENCE!
NO MATTER WHAT!
…Yanky was from a respectable family, and though no one expected him to become the next rosh yeshiva… That’s why his decision to leave yeshiva and enter the workforce shocked everyone.
and this is considered to be a tragedy ??
This is beyond absurd.
Not only have such “youth groups” or “clubs” existed in the US for decades already, but just walking thru the streets of some chareidi neighborhoods in Israel, anyone can see that the prevalence of OTD bochurim is far worse in Israel than in the US.
And the audacity to claim certain bios above are OTD!?! That’s the problem in Israel- there is far less middle ground or acceptance in the general community as in the US. That is one of the many reasons many claim it’s hard for a US family to relocate to Israel. The school/cheder systems reflect that perfectly.
The US of course is not perfect and there is more to be done, but this is complete nonsense.
This letter writter is being over in at least avak lashona hara if not pure lashon hara by disparaging by implication all those holy people who work and are kovie itim latorah and should publicly apologize. Maybe we should set up mentor programs for all the “people in the kehillah” spreading loshon hara against everyone. But clearly these “kehilla members” are not familiar with the writings of the chofetz chaim (let alone the gemarah) which in many places speaks about the virtue of those who work and are kovei itim letorah.
Not that there is anything wrong with mentorship programs the idea sounds terrific. But it should be focused on helping kids connect what they do in school and beis medrash to avodas hashem and helping them find the path that best suits them to avodas hashem. Not forcing them into something that’s not for them and not what Hashem want anyway.
Engla: And according to each kosher kesubah too!! The man needs to provide for his wife & family. We are living in a farkerte world. And then everyone yells “Shidduch Crisis”!!
Instead of looking down on people for working, let’s aim to help working bochurim live a torahdi’ke life in and out of the workplace.
“Yanky was from a respectable family,
and though no one expected him to become the
next Rosh Yeshiva, his path seemed secure.
That’s why his decision to leave yeshiva and
enter the workforce shocked everyone.”
=================================
If you believe that there is something wrong with this, then YOU are the problem, and YOU must do teshuvah!
Countless Torah sources from:
Tanach, Mishnah, Talmud, Rishonim, Acharonim, Halachah and Mussar books indicate the very great importance of working to earn a living.
There is NOTHING wrong with working to earn a living, and it is required by our great and perfect Torah.
In my humble opinion, the person who wrote this article has gone “off-the-derech” and needs to do teshuvah for his sinful intolerant ignorant attitude.
I think this is a wonderful idea! Having a mentor is extremely important. The letter could possibly be written a bit differently as it causes discomfort
Rabbi Shlomo Dovid Hepner: What is the initiative in Eretz Yisroel that you speak of? Does it have a name? Does it have contact details? I know boys in Eretz Yisroel who desperately need such a thing, but there is nobody to help them.
The irony of this opinion piece would be funny were it not so sad.
Let’s just say that in communities that have less of this dismissive attitude towards working people that are Kovea Itim LaTorah, there is a lower proportion of boys that end up with tattoos and earrings. And the reason why is so obvious that I won’t bother typing it.
We all should have the utmost respect for people who Torasom Umnosom, and yes they are holding up the world and may even be considered the elite segment of Klal Yisroel but that does not justify the tone and sentiment of this piece.
Not so simple
Making a club and grouping together kids who are falling away is not the answer. The kids who are far gone will influence kids who are still ok. You need to divide and conquer. I know all these machers who like to show they have a hundred or more kids off the derech in their club hangout and try helping them is not working. It may work to raise funds but only individual real mentors can work. That could be very expensive and not easy to find. Yes you can find mentors but the right one is difficult because it has to be someone who believes in the kid and not about counting up his hours to get paid. Mentors are needed at ages 13 through 16. At ages 8 to 13 get kids a tutor so they don’t fall away in their school work. There is one other way with teenagers for parents with no money and that’s to get the kid connected to a rebbe or rav they can emulate. It could be a local rav of your Steible or someone famous like Eli Stefansky or Avigdor Miller. Sometimes a program like Torah anytime can inspire a kid. Main thing is to keep away bad friends. Also the right rebbe and right yeshiva. Each kid has their own journey. Some kids like to play music or sing. Others enjoy Chumash on a deeper level. Others enjoy various Gemorahs. Chanoch Lenaar Al pi darkoi.
The only “Tragedy” are people who live for status and recognition of their Kehilla instead of working to create a genuine personal relationship with their creator.
I’m glad I’m not the only one disturbed by the wording here. The fact that young men are made to feel less than because they are doing what men are supposed to be doing- supporting their families is indicative of a deep problem is our society. Maybe that’s the root of a lot of this- moms who are working instead of running their homes, in turn there is a lot more stress in home, a lot less money, and less respect for the father figure and the husband figure. I don’t get it. The Torah clearly commanded the man to work. How we turn into a culture where work is frowned upon? And did it ever occur to anyone that many of these kids growing up in homes where there isn’t enough money because the father isn’t working, want better for themselves?
While everyone here is right that working for a living is an obligation and certainly nothing to be looked down upon, there are two ways someone leaves Yeshiva to enter the workforce. Either he is leaving with a heavy heart, wishing he could learn more but is forced to earn a parnasa or he leaves because he doesn’t enjoy learning and wished all along he could somehow leave Yeshiva and feel good about making a few bucks. The former is ok, but the latter is definitely a ‘tragedy’. For someone to go to full-time work a year after getting married when he is perfectly capable of doing another year in Kollel shows that he has minimal enjoyment in learning, and that is truly sad. That is the tragedy, not the mere fact that he is working.
But it really does go further. For all those yelling ‘kesuba!’ and going bananas about how people look down on working, I want to remind you that the need to work is a curse of G-d, bizayas apache total lechem. Working and making money is not what we should glorify and look up to. We should actually wish we didn’t have to do it and be able to serve Hashem. Being able to sit by a gemara is the real blessing. So yes, the person who merits to stay in learning longer is more blessed, and you should envy him. And yes, if someone leaves Kollel early, and certainly a bachur leaving yeshiva, because he feels empty and doesn’t enjoy learning so much, although he is definitely doing the right thing for himself, nevertheless, it’s a pity. And yes, it is a tragedy to some degree. Maybe if he had a private gishmak chavrusa, he would have developed a taste for torah? Who knows. Nebach.
@Ari,
Very nicely put, couldn’t agree with you more.
If I may I would like to add one thing, and that is just to try and understand the anger and upset that the commentors here (rightly) displayed, and that is, working per se is not looked down upon by many because of the reason you state, which agav is 100% true.
They look down upon people who work, with if I may say, a certain ga’ava(, which does not fall in line with the ethics someone in learning should have), that they are racially superior to those that learn just because, when we all know, that ‘in kollel’, or ‘in learning’, does not necessarily mean being a masmid, suffice it to say, it could mean actually having less of a seder hayom, and less a kevi’ut in ones sedarim than some ba’aleh batim.
NO, NOT everyone, but ‘in learning’ does many times mean using kollel as a front for laziness, again I DO NOT MEAN EVERYONE, just that it does happen all to often.
THEREFORE, to come with that fact and put down people who work – per se, is just not right, and yes in such a case, shouting ‘kesubah’ is totally right.
But as I said on the hold, your point is 100% true.