I write as a recent high school graduate preparing for a year of seminary in Eretz Yisrael. Like many girls my age, I am filled with excitement, gratitude, and also questions—about life, about myself, and, more immediately, about what it means when I am told that I must now only wear navy or black tops, with no other colors allowed.

Over the past few months, a number of seminaries have quietly changed their dress codes to require rigid uniforms or limited color palettes. The stated reason? “Consistency,” “elevated presentation,” or “removing distractions.” But many students feel a different message altogether: “Your individuality is a problem.” The result isn’t inspiration, but quiet resentment—towards tznius, towards authority, and sometimes even towards their own identities as frum women.

It’s ironic. We want to raise girls who love Torah, who embrace tznius as dignity, not erasure. But when their self-expression is stifled for the sake of “uniformity,” we risk turning tznius into something cold and externally imposed. How can we expect girls to develop personal ownership over their growth if we don’t give them the space to be people—not just products?

At the same time, we talk often and loudly about the “shidduch crisis.” We organize asifos, initiatives, and countless articles trying to “solve” it. But perhaps part of the issue lies in what happens much earlier—when girls are subtly told to conform at the cost of self. How can a girl form a healthy sense of who she is and what kind of home she wants to build if the path she was forced on never gave her room to think for herself?

What makes it worse is that many of these rules were announced very late in the year—after girls had already purchased full wardrobes. This creates stress, waste, and frustration. Instead of cultivating love for tznius, it creates resentment toward it.

We talk often about tznius as a Torah value, but it seems applied almost exclusively to women. Where is the parallel standard for the boys in yeshiva—many of whom are in Israel for longer? If seminaries are expected to police color and collars, why aren’t yeshivos enforcing no hoodies or guidelines around haircuts? Why are girls the only ones expected to erase individuality in the name of growth because boys in Eretz Yisroel can’t be controlled ?

This double standard doesn’t inspire submission to Torah—it just teaches girls that being frum means being silent, small, and the only ones held to a higher bar.

Also, in Bnei Yisroel there are 12 Shevatim for a reason. Each shevet was necessary to bring a different derech. There are different derechs each girl can take while still completely following Halacha.

This is not a plea for casualness or for lowering standards. It’s a plea for balance—for leaders to remember that growth in Yiddishkeit must come from within. That dignity is not black or navy; it’s confidence, self-respect, and inner clarity. That tznius is beautiful when it’s chosen—not just enforced.

I can’t help but wonder what Sarah Schenirer would say. She was unconventional, divorced, and in many ways a quiet revolutionary. Her boldness gave birth to Bais Yaakov, not her conformity. If we silence our girls under the guise of modesty, I believe she’d be rolling in her grave.

As a community, let’s be careful not to confuse obedience with spirituality. And let’s not mistake control for chinuch.

Signed,

A Concerned High School Graduate

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