You’ve seen her face, but she’s invisible. She carries her pain many layers beneath her easy smile. Often, she’s the woman who, as a girl, was kind and sensitive, who couldn’t bear to see others suffer and would give of herself without hesitation to help a friend in need.

But now, her pain runs deep. A fissure of the soul. A quiet shattering of identity. While her emunah in HaShem may still stand, her faith in herself has been eroded at the core.

She is the victim of narcissistic abuse.

Her husband is polished. You would never know.He smiles at you at the kiddush, maybe shares a congenial vort. He seems like a charming guy, maybe even more than average. He has to be.

At his core, he knows emptiness. The inner relationality and capacity for connection that sustains most people is foreign to him. He can mimic it with great skill, hence the charm. But he doesn’t experience love, warmth, or the internalized presence of another the way the rest of us do.

He thrives on receiving the energy of others, but without authenticity or reciprocity.His external charisma becomes a necessary veneer, his lifeline to admiration and control.

Flashes of authentic vulnerability are rare. But when it serves him, he can jerk the tears and sympathy of others with uncanny precision, charming, broken, the perfect victim.

Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. You may be shuddering or nodding as you read the description above.

In the aftermath of Oct 7th, the Iran war, and the innumerable antisemitic acts that followed, the whole of the Jewish people have had similar experiences.

We were attacked, and then called Zionist aggressors. Many precious humans who dedicated their lives to peace were murdered in cold blood, mutilated, stolen from their families, and then internationally shamed as subhuman abominations. When we protested the injustice, we were attacked further.

Our most moral army in the world sends multiple forms of notification before attacking terrorists, yet they, who specialize in using children as human weapons, call us baby murderers.

We can’t win. We have all had a wrenched personal taste of the dynamics of abuse.

We are now in the Three Weeks, between the 17th of Tammuz, when the gates and boundaries of Jerusalem were breached, and the 9th of Av, when the holy abode of the Divine was destroyed.

This year more than ever, this time of mourning, yearning, and commemoration is deeply personal. We are all yearning for restoration and redemption. The breaches in our boundaries have hit home.

Perhaps we can take this opportunity, as a people, to deeply recognize the destruction taking place in the lives of many women in our communities.

Note: While this article focuses on a dynamic in which the woman is the victim and the man is the abuser, a pattern that is unfortunately common, it is important to acknowledge that abuse can go in both directions. Sometimes women are the abusers, and men the victims. Power dynamics are complex, and each case should be assessed with care and nuance.

Here is a list of dynamics that are common in situations of abuse. Do you recognize any of them? Keep in mind, not every abusive relationship includes all of these dynamics. Some may be more subtle, or take different forms. But if even a few of these patterns resonate with you, especially if they repeat over time, please consider seeking support. Abuse thrives in silence and confusion. Naming what’s happening can be the first step toward healing and clarity.

1. The abuser attacks, and then claims to be the victim.

• He gaslights and undermines her regularly, then tells the Rav or therapist that she doesn’t treat him with respect.

2. He provokes her until she reacts, and then points to her reaction as the problem.

• He screams at her until she feels she is losing her footing. Then he tells her to stop being a drama queen and take care of her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

3. He presents as calm and reasonable, while she seems emotional and unhinged.

• The calm is a tactic. He shows himself as intellectually sound and morally in the right. Her nervous system senses danger everywhere. She can hardly think clearly. Her fogginess is used as a weapon against her.

4. He uses charm strategically.

• He’ll do kindnesses and favors for friends and members of the community, while ignoring or degrading the needs of his wife and family. He tells rabbis and therapists his distorted version of the “truth” to turn them against his victim. Also with the victim, one minute he attacks her brutally and before you know it, he’s back into charming and recruiting mode. The opposite is also true. They may have shared a moment of closeness and things seem to be going well, and out of nowhere he is back to shaming, accusing, and threatening her.

5. He uses children as weapons.

• He says things like, “Never mind your mom, you know she overreacts to everything,” further destabilizing his victim. Some go so far as to weaponize children in legal battles.

6. He lies with confidence. She stammers with the truth.

• She is easily stunned into silence. When you know that you won’t be heard, your capacity to express yourself becomes blunted. Some women stand strong, but then they are often seen as ‘problematic’.

7. He accuses her of exactly what he’s doing.

• “She’s manipulative,” he says, after months of gaslighting her. He externalizes and projects his shame onto her. Listen carefully to what he says about her, it’s probably true about him in some way.

8. He discredits anyone who tries to help her.

• Former or current therapists, lawyers, rabbis, all become “biased” or “dangerous,” and legitimate cannon fodder once they side with her.

9. He manipulates systems to keep control.

• False reports to police, social services and anyone else who will listen to him. Filing endless motions in court.

10. Sometimes he is more interested in power than in resolution. She may have had enough and is ready to walk away and end the relationship, but he love-bombs her and then baits her back into the cycle.

11. He has no real empathy.

• He may mimic it when it serves him, but he doesn’t feel others and their needs in the way most people do.

12. He keeps her in confusion.

• That’s not accidental. It’s a tactic. When you don’t know what’s real, you become easier to control. Sometimes he brings generous gifts, or love-bombs her, but only in order to continue the cycle of abuse.

13. He isolates her and discredits her.

• “She’s crazy,” “She’s dramatic,” “She’s aggressive.” She tries to protect herself and her children, and it is turned against her. He spreads lies, then collects “evidence” by saying, “Well, it’s a known fact that…”

14. He makes her doubt her own eyes and ears.

• “That never happened.” “You’re imagining things.” “Of course that was your fault, you started it. If you only listened better, or just told me what you want in the right way…” There is no right way. You’ve tried everything. But somehow, you are always in the wrong.

15. He obfuscates his abuse by making it look like two parties that just can’t get along.

• As long as he can make her look as bad as he is, he evades the fallout of his actions.

This leads directly into a pattern that has been well-documented in psychological research, known as DARVO. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, a common tactic used by abusers when confronted. Instead of taking responsibility, they lash out, deny wrongdoing, and portray themselves as the real victim.

15. He reverts to an emotionally compelling narrative of victimhood when held accountable.

• He may shift the blame onto the actual victim, or even onto the person trying to help. “She’s twisting everything.” “You don’t know the full story.” “I’m the one being attacked here.”

16. He shames her for her vulnerabilities.

• Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, and have shameful moments. A normal husband bends down to pick her up, honors her struggles, protects what’s tender. An abuser hones in on her vulnerabilities and exposes them in any way he can. He may even share things she told him in confidence, just to humiliate or shame her.

17. He takes credit for everything that goes right, and blames her for everything that goes wrong.

• If the kids are thriving, it’s because of his influence. If they’re struggling, it’s her fault. If there’s peace in the home, it’s because he’s being patient. If there’s tension, it’s because she’s impossible to live with. Nothing is ever his responsibility, unless it makes him look good.

18. He uses Torah and Religion to hurt her.

•He twists holy words into weapons. He quotes halacha to silence her, shame her, or justify his control. He may use concepts like kavod ha’baal or shalom bayis to demand compliance, while ignoring the Torah’s repeated calls for compassion, humility, and respect.

If reading this list leaves you feeling shaken, heartbroken, or even a little breathless, you’re not alone. Realizing that you’ve lived inside these dynamics, or that someone you love is still trapped in them, can be disorienting and deeply painful. There’s grief in naming it. And there’s power.

Because once we name these patterns, we can break through the fog that comes from the gaslighting, and perhaps we can begin to take small steps towards change.

And for those whose homes have been spared these dynamics, the echoes may still ring out from the world stage.

Take a look at how these very same tactics have been used against Am Yisrael:

Hamas slaughters civilians, then cries to the UN for protection.

Israel responds to unprovoked terror attacks, and is accused of “escalating violence.”

While Israel is busy fighting a war for survival on all fronts, others are creating media campaigns against us and eloquently defaming us in public platforms.

Iran earnestly claims to the world that they are enriching uranium purely for civilian purposes, yet posts public propaganda stating, “Death to Israel, Death to America”.

Rocket launchers placed in schools. Openings to terror tunnels hidden under cribs.

“They aren’t providing humanitarian aid!” while they are stealing truckfuls to fund terror.

Weaponizing the media, the UN, and human rights organizations.

“There was no massacre.” “The videos are fake.” “The Holocaust never happened.” Or “It’s their fault for oppressing the poor Palestinians.”

In 2000, Prime Minister Ehud Barak offered the Palestinians a generous two-state solution at Camp David. The offer was rejected outright by Yasser Arafat, with no counterproposal, followed shortly by a wave of violence.

Maintaining conflict and punishing Israel, at the expense of their own Palestinian children has been more important to them than achieving peace.

The parallels are chilling. When we see these tactics used against our nation, we feel the outrage, the betrayal, the urgency to defend and protect. For some, those same dynamics play out not on a national stage, but within the walls of their own home.

Most of us have had moments over the past year and a half where we’ve been deeply impacted by these dynamics of abuse. Perhaps we can use this as an opportunity to reflect on how these same patterns affect women trapped in complex and painful situations, and how we, as a community, can support them more effectively.

What She Needs Most from the Community

Believe her.

Grief begs for a witness. Pain that is invisible becomes compounded by loneliness. If someone confides in you, listen deeply. Tell her that you are holding the pain with her.

You can’t imagine how valuable that is, a true breath of fresh air.

Her relationship dehumanizes her. When you see her, you welcome her back to the world of humankind.

This may be the greatest help of all.

Help her find the right resources.

The heartbreaking reality is that many professionals, including marriage therapists, rabbanim, even dayanim, are not trained to recognize the dynamics of covert abuse. They may not fully grasp what is happening, even as it unfolds in front of them.

Encourage her to find someone who truly understands the patterns of abuse and can help her slowly reclaim her boundaries and sense of self.

Don’t give standard “shalom bayis” advice.

Telling her to communicate better, be mevater, or honor him more may backfire. It shifts the responsibility back to her and creates fertile ground for further harm.

The book or shiur that helped you in your marriage might make her situation worse, and then she’ll feel guilty and not shamed for not being able to accomplish what you did.

Offer practical help, in whatever form you realistically can.

Many women in these situations are struggling to meet basic needs.

A woman told me this week that her husband is a millionaire, yet she and her children lack essentials.

Groceries, babysitting, emotional support, money for therapy, it all matters.

Alleviate her isolation.

In one case, the charming abuser was being honored at shul while his ex-wife was left off Shabbos guest lists. It isn’t uncommon for abusers to turn the victims family against her, furthering her isolation, and narrowing options for escape.

Even if she looks like a wreck right now, do whatever kindness you can.

It’s transformative. If she sometimes feels a bit unstable, try to understand. There’s nothing essentially wrong with her, she’s just living on a roller coaster. It’s really hard to maintain stability with little or no solid ground beneath your feet.

Educate yourself.

If you’re a rabbi, therapist, kallah teacher, or community leader, learn the signs. Be willing to question assumptions. Your credibility can either protect her or put her in danger. Sometimes your well intentioned ‘help’ can have a tragic and long-lasting painful impact on the victim and her children. It is possible that your compassion is allowing you to be manipulated into being another weapon to hurt the ones who have been hurt enough.

If something isn’t quite lining up, make a phone call. Speak with someone who recognizes, understands and can give helpful and targeted advice. There are excellent online resources. One I recommend is: The Center for Relational Resilience, offering deep and dynamic courses to help you recognize these patterns and support those in need.

Rising from the Ashes

Some girls learn early on to care for themselves, honor their own needs and preferences, and not to over give.

Yet others aren’t taught those precious lessons. Perhaps they learned from birth to prioritize the needs and feelings of others. It’s preverbal, subconscious, and a hard pattern to break. They may be the deep ones. The sensitive ones. The ones who care more than others. The ones who can’t stand to see another in pain and need. They may pray harder, give more, go out of their ways to help, to fix, to love.

Often those are the precious souls that get caught. Narcissist love them. They thrive on gutting them emotionally and spiritually. Taking from their generosity, and reciprocating with heaps of abuse. Not because they’re weak, rather because they’re strong in the ways that abusers feed off of. Their light becomes a target. Like bugs to a lamp.

She stayed because she saw his brokenness. She gave him the benefit of the doubt again and again. She wanted so badly to make it work, because she believed in people, in potential, in teshuva, in love.

And each time her beauty and generosity were corrupted against her.

And then one day, she wakes up. Not all at once. But something shifts. She realizes: This is not love.This is not my fault. This is not what I was created for.

And when that shift happens, even if her knees are still shaking, she begins to rise. Take her hand, see her. Lift her up.

Not in a blaze of glory. Maybe just in little things: She says no. She stops explaining. She stops apologizing. She stops willingly erasing herself. She starts telling the truth.

Changes come slowly. There are ups and downs. Her empathy grows edges. She can say no. She stops volunteering to go above and beyond. Her kindness gets muscles. Her soul, once trapped in fog, starts to breathe again.

He may clamp down harder.

Yet with time, she feels drawn, more and more towards those who don’t erode her boundaries. To those who honor and delight in her being, and don’t deride it. To those with whom it is safe to be real and vulnerable.

She becomes unshakeable.

Sometimes.

And sometimes she shakes and falls.

But each time she gets up a little faster. A little stronger and more resolute. Because now her empathy is paired with discernment. Her compassion comes with boundaries. She is slowly reclaiming her intuition and her power.

She becomes herself again. Maybe for the first time.

She is not the same woman who entered the storm. She is something rarer, richer, more radiant.

And in her rising, the Shechinah rises with her.

Because her story is not just personal. It’s collective. We, too, as a people, have been betrayed. Gaslit. Blamed. We too have been called “aggressors” for simply trying to survive and be who we were created to be. We have tried to appease, to explain, to play by the rules – only to be humiliated, twisted, and shamed again.

But something is shifting.

We are beginning to see with clearer eyes. To stop explaining. To stop apologizing. To stop looking for love in places that suck our spiritual blood, and reduce and deride us.

We are turning our eyes back to the One who truly loves us. The One who sees beneath the grime. Who recognizes the soul. Who lifts us gently from the dust, washes us clean, and says: You are still Mine. I see your radiant, resilient essence, even after all this. You are more beautiful now than before, you have been forged in fire.

And maybe – just maybe – that’s what this long and painful galus has been about. Not breaking us. But refining us. Teaching us to say no. To hold our boundaries. To know our worth.

We’re not just waiting to be redeemed. We’re becoming the people who can walk out of exile with heads held high.

May it be soon. For all of us. For every woman who rises from the ashes. And for our whole people, rising with her.

קומי אורי שיר דברי! כבוד ה’ עלייך נגלה!