Sometimes I like to ask people who the person in their life is that helped them grow the most and become the best version of themselves. Never once has anyone answered with the person who endlessly criticized them or constantly pointed out their flaws. It is those who love and accept us unconditionally who help us develop our potential. Yet somehow, we rarely direct that same love and acceptance toward ourselves. Instead, we buy into the belief that our inner critic will keep us safe by keeping us in line and protecting us from failure and rejection.

But inner criticism doesn’t create the perfect life we hope for. Instead, it breeds anxiety, avoidance, self-doubt, and perfectionism. Self-criticism often undermines motivation because failure feels unbearable. It shuts people down, reinforces shame, and blocks growth. This doesn’t mean we should ignore our faults or struggles. In fact, it is easier to acknowledge flaws in the context of self-love than self-shame. When admitting wrongdoing feels like proof of being unworthy or unlovable, it becomes an existential threat we protect against at all costs. By contrast, unconditional positive regard and acceptance provide the safety to admit mistakes and grow.

How, then, can we foster self-compassion in the face of self-criticism? First, it helps to understand that the inner critic is not our enemy but a protector with outdated tactics — overworked and underpaid. If we approach it with curiosity and compassion, we can build a relationship in which it learns to trust us to process hard feelings and navigate the world. When any part of us feels deeply understood, it becomes less rigid and more open to new ways of being.

Second, we need to grasp that acceptance and change are not opposites. They form a dialectic: two truths that fuel each other. When I accept myself, I gain the courage to attempt change. When I try to change while holding acceptance, I can experiment and fail without collapsing into shame. It sounds like this: “I accept you exactly as you are, and I believe you can grow and do better.”

A simple practice can make this real: the next time you notice your inner critic, pause and gently place your hand on your heart. Say to yourself, “I know you’re trying to keep me safe. Thank you. I can handle this.” Then ask: “What would a loving friend say to me right now?” This small shift plants seeds of self-compassion.

This dynamic is not only psychological,  it is deeply spiritual. The month of Elul, the Yamim Noraim, and the Aseres Yemei Teshuva are times dedicated to introspection, teshuva, and growth. Sometimes we engage in self-flagellation, mistaking shame for change. But that cycle keeps us stuck. Teshuva is not the work of an inner critic gone wild. It is a return to the pure, pristine Self, the neshama, that remains intact within us

Acceptance does not mean complacency. It is not an excuse to ignore our flaws or avoid responsibility. On the contrary, when we accept ourselves as beloved and worthy, we find the strength and courage to do the real work of teshuva — to face our shortcomings honestly, to take responsibility, and to choose differently. Self-compassion is not lowering the bar; it is what allows us to rise to it.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]

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