Have you ever noticed how, when you are really upset, people suddenly become simple?

Someone who is normally a whole, complicated human being with history, stress, and good intentions turns into one thing, selfish, toxic, the problem. A situation that used to feel layered suddenly feels obvious, and somehow everyone else is wrong. That is not clarity. That is your nervous system hitting the panic button.

When we are triggered, when the body reads threat and shifts into fight or flight, the brain starts conserving energy. Nuance is expensive. Complexity is slow. Survival mode wants quick conclusions. Black and white. Safe or dangerous. Our perspective narrows.

We stop seeing the whole person. We see a slice, usually their worst slice. A version of them that fits neatly into a threat story. The more activated we are, the more convinced we feel. It feels like insight, like we finally see who they really are. But certainty is not the same as accuracy.

One of the clearest signs that we are triggered is when someone loses their humanity in our mind. There is no room for contradiction. No “and.” No curiosity. Just a flat story about who they are. That is not wisdom. That is tunnel vision.

The important reframe is this. When people start looking one dimensional, it is not a signal to act. It is a signal to pause. Not to confront, not to decide. Not to send the text you are drafting in your head. It is a cue to regulate.

Perspective does not come from thinking harder. It comes from calming the body. When the nervous system settles, the lens widens on its own. You can hold more than one truth again. You remember that people are messy, stressed, and inconsistent, including you.

This shows up everywhere, but it is especially clear in parenting and marriage.

In parenting, tunnel vision sounds like this. My child is manipulative. They are doing this on purpose. They do not care how this affects me. When we are tired, embarrassed, or feeling out of control, our nervous system reads our child’s behavior as a threat. Not a physical threat, but a threat to our competence, our authority, or the hope that we are getting this right. In that moment, the child stops being a developing human with an immature nervous system and becomes the problem.

That is the moment to pause. Not because the behavior is fine, and not because boundaries do not matter, but because correction delivered from fight or flight rarely teaches what we think it does. It comes out sharper than intended, disconnected, or driven by the need to regain control.

When we regulate first, we can still hold limits. We just do it instead of reactivity. The question shifts from “How do I shut this down?” to “What is actually going on here?” That small shift can change the entire interaction.

In marriage, tunnel vision turns into character judgments. They are selfish. They never listen. This is just who they are. When we are activated with a partner, years of shared history collapse into one painful moment. Effort disappears. Context disappears. The person we chose becomes a cut out version of their worst behavior. This is where one often gets stuck.

Once someone becomes one dimensional in your mind, curiosity shuts down. Repair feels pointless. The nervous system is no longer looking for connection. It is looking for protection. Stepping back is not avoidance. It is choosing not to have important conversations from a state that can only see threats.

When we regulate ourselves, memory and complexity return. You can say, “That really hurt me,” instead of, “This proves everything about you.” That difference is often the line between escalation and repair.

So the next time your mind locks in on how wrong, bad, or threatening someone feels, try a softer question. Am I seeing clearly, or am I seeing narrowly?

If it is narrow, the work is not to push forward. It is to slow down, ground yourself, and let your nervous system come back. Your humanity, and theirs, becomes visible again once the threat response quiets. That is a much better place to move from.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]