I am writing this anonymously because I suspect many people feel exactly as I do, but are too embarrassed or frightened to say it publicly.
I am a baal teshuvah, and today I serve as a Rov and shaliach. From the outside, many people would probably assume we are managing fine. The reality is very different.
I love Torah. I love Yiddishkeit. I love my family more than life itself. I do not regret my children for one second.
But I genuinely no longer understand how the current frum financial model is supposed to work.
My wife and I have ten children. We built our family because we believed in the values we were taught: that Jewish children are a blessing, that building a Torah home matters, that sacrifice for ruchniyus is noble and worthwhile. We listened to the encouragement to build large Jewish families and embraced it wholeheartedly.
Now I lie awake at night trying to work out how we survive the next few years.
Our household income is around $150,000. I know to many people that sounds like a huge income. I know there are families surviving on far less. But in the current frum world, especially outside America and in the middle of a cost-of-living crisis, it disappears instantly.
Tuition alone is crushing.
Mesivta can cost $500-$1,000 per month per child. Yeshivah can cost $1,500 a month or more. Next year I may have four or five children simultaneously in yeshivah or high school.
Do the math.
Four children at “only” $1,000 a month is already nearly $50,000 a year after flights and basic expenses. Five children at yeshivah-level costs can easily approach or exceed $75,000-$100,000 annually once tuition, airfare, spending money, clothing, and travel are included.
That is before rent or mortgage payments, utilities, food, clothing for the rest of the family, Yom Tov, insurance, medical expenses, car costs, or any normal cost of living.
Then comes camp. Six children want to go this summer. Another thousands upon thousands of dollars.
Then kosher food. Yom Tov. Clothing. Simchas. Shidduchim approaching. The expectation to fly to New York for l’chaims and weddings. Gifts. Apartments. Every year the costs rise further.
Meanwhile tuition keeps increasing too.
People will say, “Apply for scholarships.” But we are in the strange category where on paper we earn “too much” for help while in reality we are drowning. Once tuition, housing, food, and basic frum life are paid, there is nothing left.
Our credit cards are maxed out. We already owe months of tuition. My parents help where they can, for which I am deeply grateful, but they cannot carry us forever. I cannot realistically take on more work than I already do. My wife cannot either at present.
This is not a temporary crisis anymore. It is structural overload.
And here is what nobody says publicly:
I suspect huge numbers of frum families are surviving only through some combination of debt, overdrafts, parental subsidies, hidden gemachs, credit cards, second mortgages, inheritance, or sheer financial panic.
Yet publicly we continue acting as though this is normal middle-class life.
I am not accusing yeshivos of greed. Most mechanchim are underpaid. Most mosdos are struggling too. I understand the schools are under enormous pressure. Buildings cost money. Teachers need salaries. Chinuch matters.
But if families cannot survive the system, then the system itself is broken even if nobody involved is malicious.
What especially frightens me is the message our children absorb.
What are young frum couples supposed to think when they watch their parents drowning financially for decades?
What happens to baalei teshuvah without wealthy parents or generational support?
What happens when grandparents cannot subsidize anymore?
What happens when children associate frum life with relentless financial anxiety?
What happens when only the wealthy can comfortably sustain the expected lifestyle?
Have we normalized emergency-level financial stress as though it is somehow spiritually virtuous?
Have we confused Torah obligations with communal lifestyle inflation?
And perhaps the hardest question of all:
Can middle-income frum families realistically survive long-term under the current model?
I am not writing this because I have solutions. I honestly do not.
But I think the silence is becoming dangerous.
We need honest conversations about tuition reform, communal priorities, simcha expectations, scholarships, local alternatives to expensive overseas norms, and the reality facing large frum families in 2026.
Because right now, for many families, this is simply unsustainable.
And quietly, behind closed doors, more people know it than are willing to admit.
Signed,
C.R.
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31 Responses
I totally understand what the letter writer is saying. I decided to go into chinuch because I wanted to educate the next generation in klal yisrael. I thought if only I could make it to a yeshiva administrator then everything would work out. My wife always went into chinuch for the same reason. Fast forward years later. I felt totally unfulfilled. I didn’t really nice up the ladder and now my kids were getting older. After a few years of searching for a new career, I finally got a second chance. While my income did go up nicely, so did my expenses. My wife and I make over 200k and we are in deep trouble. Paycheck to paycheck. Huge depts. Huge tuition assistance. Going to my rav for community help. Going back for more. And more. We just can’t make it on our own. While Hashem always helps us, the constant unknown is very nerve wracking. We were once at a shabbos lunch and finances came up and a very successful friend couldn’t believe that people struggle. He wasn’t being a jerk he just thought everyone was successful like him. Now with children in shidduchim and no money to pay for chasunas, it’s all in Hashems hands. As the writer said, there is merit to just letting people know. Similarly, there doesn’t seem to be any way out of this. My Rav who helps is out so much, agreed.
This is largely why families are moving to Eretz Yisroel. Not only is the Gashmiyus lower, but its socialized medicine, schools are government funded and public transportation is very good. That aside, yes Agudah and Torah Umesorah need to do more regarding the tuition issue. Perhaps a loan system can be in place where families can pay it out over the years even once the children grow up, like a mortgage. Some schools that have financial difficulties expect parents and teachers to give their Ma’aser to the school. Local businesses can also give 2% to a school of choice to those who patronize their store. In Halacha, a Sefer Torah can be sold in order to teach children. Just seeing that enormous buildings, houses and Shuls going up around town. There are organizations like Bonei Olam and Chai Lifeline. There should be more organizations like Oorah and Nechamas Yisroel that also help pay tuition for frum families.
Read back what you’ve written above and stop thinking that you always have to do “whats right”. Do whats really right for your family and stop thinking that you have to run to every l’chaim and send your kids to yeshivas that require travel… You’ve hit all the points, now go practice them and do what you can afford not what you think society is forcing you to do.
Although our tuition costs are much more than our non-jewish neighbors, this isn’t a uniquely Jewish Problem. Most Americans are worried about their financial future and carry debt. Most.
And from the tone of this letter, I smell troll. 🤔
Well said.
Myself and many others are in similar positions.
I do not know what the solution is.
I blame our leaders
who encourage our daughters to want to marry a learning boy
Who encourage our sons to stay in learning until they’re 35 or maybe forever
Who encourage parents to support these young adults when they should be supporting themselves.
Who encourage dependence instead of independence
Who, after all this, encourage everyone to donate more and more money so that their schools and shuls can keep running.
It’s a community falling into quicksand and pretending like it’s normal
1818; you can blame Leaders/Gedolim that the learning system is messed up however you fail to understand what the letter writer is referring to. He is referring to the working middle class people that cannot make it paycheck to paycheck. The expenses, even living a simple lifestyle is way above most people monthly income. My husband and I both work . We do not get any government assistance. We don’t have a car. we can not cover mortgage, utilities, insurance, taxes, tuition, food, camp & yomtov. I’m not talking luxury. I’m talking about necessities. And our oldest will soon be in shidduchim.
Sadly the letter writer is 100% correct. The letter writer fails to mention the many financial shenanigans that people resort to to attempt to stay afloat. We NEED real leadership to address this issue. We MUST put a stop to unnecessary expenditures such as seminary, two months camp, insane costs of make up for simchos, insane gifts for choson and kallahs and seven year kollel support. We need achrayus and living within in means. Kids getting married should not expect jewelry and gifts of ten thousand dollar plus. There is no need for an aufruf or a vort. There is too much pressure to fit in. We need communal leaders of rabbonim and baalei baatim to put an end to the “mandatory” societal insane expenses. It won’t solve all but it will be a step in the right direction
Firstly we need to find a way to cap simcha spending to the point that baalei simcha would feel embarrassed to have a fancy event.. When the rich spend less, so do the middle and poor class. Secondly the creation of community tuition funds and (controversially I will admit), that those earning over $500,000 to have to pay 10% of their income to the fund -and that this becomes so normal, that no-one complains about it but sees it as a zechus that they are wealthy enough to quality. (Don’t worry rich people, Hashem will pay you back). This would likely have to rely on an honor system where one would not have their tax records revealed or checked but as part of the process of getting your child into a yeshiva you have to sign a halachic document in front of certain Rabbonim that you do not earn more than $500,000. Yes, you are thinking of the many reasons why this won’t work but maybe it can work. Or maybe I should keep dreaming? 🙂
While I sincerely feel the pain of the letter writer, these letters don’t accomplish anything other than share the pain and get a whole bunch of people to nod in agreement. Can we please stop the expressions of “someone has to do something!” It’s silly. It’s not up to the Agugah or Torah Umesorah, the askanim or the Rabbanim. The responsibility is on YOU to come up with a solution. You can sit down with a financial counselor and come up with a practical solution. That solution may be painful. It may involve moving to America to an affordable community with cheaper housing and tuition vouchers. It may involve moving to a more lucrative line of work. It may involve very painful choices. But this concept of SOMEONE else needs to figure it out is wrong. Someone has figured it out. It’s called financial counseling. There are frum organizations that understand the challenges of the frum community, which can assist in developing a realistic plan for everyone that does not involve asking for handouts. For some families, they may suggest stopping the purchase of their kids’ clothing in overpriced Jewish stores or stopping the purchase of takeout food. For others, they may suggest affordable simchas or choosing a different line of work.
In short, you want to know where to turn to for the solution? Look in the mirror.
It depends which community. In chassidic communities especially Satmar they encourage young married people to go out and work. Unless they are cut out to be serious learners where they may one day be teachers and dayonim. There are a sizable amount of extremely wealthy young frum individuals who are in the tens of millions or more earners. But most people struggle. That’s why smart people make takonah weddings with one man band and fake flowers. It will still run into money as you need to furnish an apartment for the young couple. I myself as a multi millionaire end up spending an arm and a leg so I can’t imagine what people who make way less than me survive.
This letter probably speaks for far more frum families than people realize.
A major part of the problem is that many wealthy donors give most of their money to causes that feel meaningful and visible to them — shuls, campaigns, special programs, Hatzolah, and other important organizations — while tuition affordability keeps getting pushed aside. At the same time, many schools are run by people financially comfortable enough that the current system still works for them.
Meanwhile middle-income families are drowning in tuition, debt, and constant pressure, but everyone deals with it privately so nothing changes.
There are solutions — better school funding, more affordable options, tuition reform, and lowering some of the financial pressure families face — but none of it will happen unless parents begin organizing together and demanding change together instead of each family struggling silently on its own.
The frum world already knows how to act as a united block when it comes to voting or communal issues. There is no reason parents cannot come together the same way to push schools and communities toward a more sustainable system.
If the Yeshivos realized how difficult your situation is, they would likely lower your tuition. It sounds like the key to all your problems are tuition.
Wow the minute I saw income was 150 I got jealous. Yeah it’s no secret you need to be a millionaire to be a religious Jew these days. I’m in my late 30s and it seems like everyone’s parents of my generation did well because all they had to do was have one income and they could own a home or two and get by just fine. Fast forward to mine and three incomes aren’t enough to get a home, and with student loans and whatever people pay for tuition for their kids nobody ever gets out of debt from the get-go. So you have an entire generation just living in debt and never catching up. Oh how it would have been great to be my parents’ generation does anyone realize what Bliss these people had
There are a number of things you can do to improve the situation. Start with the simplest one – camps.
One approach is to sell yourself into summer slavery, work at the camp so that kids are there for free.
Another approach is to keep kids at home or make them work as helpers in various camps or other businesses. Older ones can work in kiruv camps or help take care of the younger ones. Explain to the kids that you are proud to have self-sufficient family and they need to chip in. Add some trips and family learning and you are going to have a wonderful summer.
Rocky – you are wrong. The Vaad Arba Haratzos instituted caps on simchos. That is the source for arbis by sholom.zachor. That is how kehillos were run and should be run. We live in a society with intense pressure to fit in. Just saying no is not always an option. It is too much on an individual level. It needs communal leadership. We need a community effort to bring expenses down.
I always say that yeshiva tuition is birth control. I understand that yeshiva have a ton of expenses from building, insurance, teachers, busses etc…. fact is, most people cant afford tuition after 3 kids. Yeshiva need to say after 5 kids tuition is free fir the rest. They need to do more fundraising. There are some yeshiva where there are 300 kids, everyone pays full price, and the parents donate more to the yeshiva as it has excess funds. Teacher are paid on time, and extra bonuses are given to teachers who class does great on exams. There are yeshiva with 2000 kids and only 100 pay full price. The yeshiva is in debt and teachers are months behind from receiving paychecks. It does not make sense why one yeshiva has no issues and the other is drowning in debt. The tuition issue is going on for over 50 years and we will have the same problem in 50 years. Only way I see it is if, you create a big building and house multiple yeshiva in the building, it will cut cost and save a lot of money. Yes having different yeshiva on different floors sound crazy, but tuition could drop as building fees are most expensive.
Just felt I had to chime in here as an American living in Israel. People think we don’t have the issue since tuition and healthcare are subsidized, standards are lower, and it’s easy to make it, as one person above commented. That may be true if you make aliya with a successful American careeer and are earning 6 figure salaries. But for those trying to make it financially in Israel, especially kollel couples who decide to stay long term even after husband starts working, salaries are waaay lower, cost of housing is outrageous, and once you have older kids- yeshivas, girls education, wedding expectations, high taxes….. I have no idea how people make it here either- the numbers do not add up even close. I suspect it has a lot to do with tzedaka programs and family support. In Yerushalayim, the gashmiyus standards in wealthy/supported American families is quite on par with the US, and the have-nots have to contend with that peer pressure when their incomes don’t cover the bare basics of living. Bottom line- Hakadosh Baruch Hu put each one of us where we’re supposed to be and the grass is green on our side, we just have to figure out how to make things work and not be afraid to go below community standards when we can’t afford something. For those who think that Israel is this wholesome place where kids don’t need anything and people live on air- come visit and get a reality check.
My heart goes out to you, it sounds like you’re at the end of your rope.
Given the stress and depression caused by the financial strain, it truly might make sense for you to look into moving to Eretz Yisroel. Tuition- zero, health insurance- zero. Many large families live without cars and utilize public transportation. Your ultimate expenses will come down to housing, food and clothing. No lavish simchos, expensive camps or mandatory $40k seminary. There are definitely challenges but someone who’s life is turned upside down by financial pressure can really thrive here. I urge you to take this into consideration.
Rocky i don’t understand where u saw the letter writer say anywhere that the rabbonim or others need to do something to solve the problem. He just said he himself is at a total loss for what he can possibly do to remedy the situation.
I don’t understand. You say your values are “that Jewish children are a blessing, that building a Torah home matters, that sacrifice for ruchniyus is noble and worthwhile”. Then you go on to describe how difficult it is to sacrifice for ruchniyus. Isn’t this the value you decided to live on? You made the decision to become a Rav, and to spare no expense for your childrens’ ruchniyus. That is very noble, but almost a guarantee that money will be best case scenario tight at times. This is the sacrifice you were talking about, isn’t it?
I am not sure how or why, but it seems the Frum world has decided that all luxuries become middle class as soon as enough people participate, and somehow that should fit into their idea of a middle class budget because that is what we call it. Think of this in terms of how it would look for a goy. Bob wants to send his 2 kids to a private boarding school (since we have limudei kodesh and chol, he wants to send them to 2 private boarding schools a day). He buys them a new wardrobe, gives them spending money, and sends them off. In the summer, he sends them to a camp that costs thousands per kid, complete with new wardrobe. He flies them back in and himself all over the place for family events. When they get married, he buys them luxury gifts, silver, and an apartment to live in. does this sound like a middle class guy to you? Because it sounds like a millionaire or billionaire to me. Meanwhile, we want to do this for the equivalent of 3-5 of Bob’s families, who I think we can all agree sound super rich, and for some reason since a lot of people around us do it, it’s now middle class? These things cost a lot of money. Just because our intentions around them are much more noble, and we make them sound like the things we’re used to instead of the extravagances they are, doesn’t magically make them doable for 10% of the cost.
Luxuries do not become middle class just because many people partake in them. We have a choice- Only spend what we can afford, and have more difficult conversations with our kids and others b/c not everyone will earn enough to live like the top 10%, or spend enough to keep up with our perception of what is normal for everyone else even if we can’t afford it, It could be we can’t afford it because we make less due to sacrificing the beginning of a career for learning, or just because most people, even working a normal career, won’t make enough for every luxury they see. If we choose the second option, the trade-off is there will be a lot of stress due to living beyond our means.
Honestly we should set of chedarim by blocks or friends should hire a teacher. There is an alternative….
1818
We can change that by making different choices and using seichel
This is a real problem. I think it’s one of the biggest problems facing our communities.
I don’t claim to have the full solution — but I do think step one of the solution is awareness. A few points of understanding, mind shifts, and awareness can, with the help of Hashem, get us closer to addressing the issue in full or in part.
A. Awareness
There is a genuine lack of awareness of the magnitude of the problem. I see more and more that people who are struggling think it’s only their problem. I see that many singles, or people who do not yet have large families, are not aware of the problem (see some of the comments above), and then when their family grows and they need to start paying tuition, the problem hits them like a tornado. I have spoken to Askanim and hit brick walls — with all their focus on the “poor,” they don’t understand that the real issue is the middle class who do not have access to benefits and are struggling perhaps more than the poor (and this prevents the poor from breaking out of the poverty cycle).
B. Understanding the Cause
There are constantly articles about the tuition crisis and the simcha spending crisis, and in many of them the focus is on blame. Blaming the Mosdos, blaming the parents, blaming the simcha spending, blaming the Pesach programs, etc. When speaking to people I find the same — a genuine lack of understanding of the core of the issue.
We live in a country where children’s education is free. No tuition, no building funds, no application fee — zero. For the poor and for the rich. You can be making $1m a year and not need to spend a dollar on tuition for your children.
This is the market we are operating in. We do not live in a bubble.
The job market, salaries, and income levels all work on supply and demand. In a country where people do not need to pay tuition for their children, the job market has ample supply of people ready to take any given job for a fraction of the salary that someone who pays tuition needs to survive.
This would be the case even if the job market consisted of heads of households who have a large family to support but do not need to pay tuition. Add to that the fact that today in the US the job market is full of singles, and those who do have a family have few children, so supporting children is a temporary period. So a family that needs to pay tuition for several children will struggle with a salary 4x the size of the competition.
All economics revolve around this. Average salaries are built around no tuition. Social benefits and tax levels are built around income levels that do not account for tuition. Business owners need to grow their businesses much larger to create this level of revenue, etc.
We are left with the situation where the “rich” man making $150K-$250K, depending on family size, is struggling, while his single coworker on a $50K salary is living in luxury.
• Cutting vacations — will not make a dent.
• Cutting simchas — will hardly make a dent in this problem.
• Blaming schools, which run on roughly a 1/4-per-student budget of what public schools and non-frum private schools spend per student — will not make a dent, and distracts from finding a real solution.
• Blaming parents or the wealthy for not paying enough tuition — will not solve the issue.
• Cutting down on expenses — a family with 7 children paying $800-$2,000/month in tuition for each child will not make a dent by cutting $1,000/month in expenses.
The problem is that in our communities, parents have a huge tuition burden that is not sustainable while living in the US economic environment, unless one is extremely wealthy. (And yes — financial advisers in the US urge their wealthy clients not to send their children to private schools unless they are super wealthy.)
Why is awareness and understanding the issue itself step one of the solution?
Because as long as there is not widespread awareness and true understanding, the community as a whole is not getting together to find a solution.
If the community as a whole understood this, I think what we would be seeing is:
• Rabbanim talking about it non-stop, encouraging the wealthy to direct large sums to tuition.
• Many more chesed organizations helping parents of all income levels with tuition.
• A very large portion of the tzedaka from within our community directed at tackling this problem.
• Arrangements where those whose children are grown, or those with smaller families, continue paying into funds that cover the tuition for larger families (not just the poor).
• Much wider community support for the efforts of organizations like Agudah that are fighting for school choice. (Leading up to the 2016 presidential election, Senator Ted Cruz was a front-runner in the Republican primary. One of the main issues he was campaigning on was school choice. Regardless of his politics and other policies, if there were real understanding and awareness of the tuition issue, we would have seen a widespread community campaign to go out and vote for him in the primaries the way there was a campaign for Lee Zeldin.)
I think that eventually the community will come together and figure out a way to remove all or most of the tuition burden from parents, and this will solve the issue. We are a community that has survived and flourished through thousands of years of challenges. But it seems it is taking time for the community as a whole to become truly aware that this is a real, community-wide problem — and at the top of the priorities to deal with, with the help of Hashem.
as everything we need to look to Daas Torah and askanim for guidance on how to live simple lives and have low key simchos.
I think the letter should at least make an awareness to the administration in schools and camps that when asked for a break you can trust them that they are struggling. Too many times people feel that they must prove they’re impoverished and have no self dignity in order for them get a break and pay a lower price. Maybe you will ask why should they deserve a break? Because they didn’t choose that regular mainstream camps should have fancy trips and ac to accommodate gvirishe kids whom otherwise will go elsewhere. They are happy with a camp without such a crazy budget. Same with schools but to a lesser extent. Why are parents paying almost 1k besides tuition for girls high school extracurricular activities? Fancy Mesivta buildings with the building funds to go along?
You need a rabbi or rav who has real guts to solve this money problem. Some have organized takanah weddings. But that’s not enough. Here is a list of of ways to save our community from going broke.
1) streimels should not cost 5 to 18 thousand dollars. A real gutsy rebbe should have everyone put on ten dollar streimels.
2) a kallah should not be walking around in rings worth thousands. A simple ring for a hundred dollars would help her parents avoid a heart attack.
3) weddings should be not more than three thousand a side. Yeshiva lunch rooms should open their spaces for weddings.
4) EVERY PARENT OF SCHOOL KIDS MUST register to vote and vote republican as to get vouchers for school Tuition.
5)Stop spoiling kids with expensive gifts and junk sweet food.
6)seminaries should be local and not drain parents pockets with 40 thousand dollars plus flights
Lets l99k at big picture: I am not sure what are the expectations when a large part of a community chooses to put very minimal effort into supporting themselves? Either you are asking others to foot your bills, which is questionable and not sustainable or you accept eating bread and water for the sake of the Torah, which is a great thing but seems like not everyone is ready.
The following speech discusses exactly this point from the article:
Radical Change Across the Board – R’ Sholom Ahron Ehrenfeld
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/295106
One of the problems are INFLUENCERS. They show Fancy expensive Engagement Parties where they get everything for free by tagging the vendors, they wear $12,000 Shaitels to the gym that they get for free, they show fancy PESACH Programs that they get for free, and women go to summer bungalow colonies where they are pressured by other women to spend money on expensive clothes and the men pressure the men to spend money on expensive Scotch, BBQ’s,
kiddushes, vacations, cars- it’s the peer pressure.
Best thing is to block influencers, move away from expensive pressure neighborhoods and away from rabbis who request huge checks, and live a financially stable life.
Very well said.
It is truly sad we have reached such a point. Even as a New Yorker, if you still remove the travel costs, the financial stress is beyond high for many frum families everywhere accross the country. And on top of the financial stress; job security isnt as guaranteed as it was some 15+ years ago (unless you are a medical professional or a lawyer). For many people, getting a job these days has become more complicated than it use to be as the competition pool has grown and AI continues to take over several roles. Many people despite their best efforts, skills and experience; find themselves out of work.
I for the most part have pushed off shidduchim because of this reason. When I voice this concern about financial stress to rabbis and shadchans, they tell me just throw your unwavering, unconditional 1000% trust in Hashem that it’ll work out while offering no viable solutions. Given how other families are already struggling along with a harsher job market that is getting worse by the year, I truly believe this respond along with the silence and turning a blind eye to this issue to pretend it doesn’t exist is becoming dangerous.
We truly do need honest conversations about tuition reform, communal priorities, job connections, simcha expectations, scholarships, and the reality facing large frum families. This financial crisis for frum families will sadly continue to exist otherwise.