Recently, a respected community member lamented that our boys don’t even have the courage to propose. Many enter marriage without ever facing real responsibility—sheltered, financially dependent, and untested—while young women gain independence, work experience, and life skills. Many girls feel they are ahead of the boys, creating frustration, imbalance, and tension in the shidduch system.

Society plays a major role. Cultural messages labeling masculinity as “toxic” discourage boys from embracing initiative, courage, and accountability. Today, it often feels as though responsibility is something to avoid, rather than recognize as what shapes us and defines character.

Contrast this with previous generations. Our grandparents and great-grandparents faced real challenges from a young age. Many fought in wars, immigrated to new lands with nothing but courage and determination, and built families and communities from scratch. They were tested by hardship, taught to work hard, make sacrifices, and solve problems independently. Leadership, resilience, and initiative were part of daily life, whether running a household, starting a business, or mentoring others. In the past, young men also learned responsibility through community roles, serving as Pirchei leaders or counselors in camp, where they guided others, managed challenges, and developed critical problem-solving skills. These experiences forged men capable of handling the pressures of marriage, parenting, and community leadership.

Parents play a critical role today. Instead of giving credit cards and financial support blanketly, boys must earn their own money, take on small jobs, and face real responsibilities that teach discipline, independence, and accountability. Without these experiences, many marriages struggle when crises arise, leaving young men unprepared and young women frustrated.

Raising responsible, courageous, and capable boys directly addresses the shidduch crisis. Men who have faced challenges, worked for what they have, and developed leadership and emotional maturity are ready to propose, support, and build strong families. They restore balance to dating and marriage, allowing young women to feel partners in equality, not ahead of the boys.

If we want to strengthen our shidduch system and raise thriving families, we must take both practical and cultural action. Teach responsibility, foster courage, encourage work and challenge, and guide boys toward independence. The time to act is now. It is time to make our boys men again.

Sincerely,
C.G.
Lakewood

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