Someone dies by suicide every eleven minutes in the United States and it is reported to be the second leading cause of death for individuals aged 10 to 34. Men are four times as likely to die by suicide as women, and the most vulnerable age group is those 75+. This is in contrast to women, where the most vulnerable group is aged 45 to 64. The greatest risk factor associated with death by suicide is a previous attempt.

It is difficult to find hard, quantifiable and accurate data about suicide specifically in frum communities. Some studies in Israel suggested that religious teens were about half as likely to be suicidal as their secular peers. In broader studies around religion affecting suicide rates, studies indicated that being involved in religious life did negatively correlate with suicidality, which intuitively makes sense. Others suggest that there may be particular stigma and under-reporting in religious communities which may account for some of this difference. Certainly, groups that are disenfranchised and isolated within the frum community are at elevated risk for suicide than those who are integrated. Regardless of the exact statistics, we are becoming increasingly aware of the pervasiveness of suicidality in our own communities and too many lives have been lost and families torn apart to not address the issue.

People who die by suicide are in intense emotional pain that feels inescapable and unbearable. It is not a selfish choice- in fact they feel like they are a burden to their family and friends who would be better off without them. Sometimes those struggling with suicidality have diagnosed mental illness but many do not. Loneliness and isolation is a key factor. Suicide can affect people who appear high-functioning, accomplished, or emotionally stable externally. Pain is not always visible.

There are some common misconceptions about suicide that are important to address. Among these are, “asking someone about suicide will put the idea in their head”, “if someone is determined to die, nothing can stop them” and “people who talk about suicide won’t actually do it.” In truth, evidence shows that asking about suicidality calmly, reduces shame and isolation and can decrease risk by showing that someone cares and can handle the conversation. Many people who die by suicide have communicated thoughts about it before, and all talk about suicide must be taken seriously. Most suicidal crises are time-limited. With support, treatment, and connection, risk can dramatically decrease. Many people who survive attempts go on to lead meaningful lives.

Some of the things that we can do to reduce suicide risk as both a community and individuals are:

1. Take suicidal thoughts seriously
2. Ask directly about suicide
3. Reduce access to lethal means.
4. Strengthen social connection,
5. Encourage professional help,
6. De-stigmatize mental suffering,
7. Be a non-judgmental listener and
8. Promote hope and reasons for living.

If you are struggling with suicidality please know that you don’t have to carry this burden alone. Reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, mentor, therapist, or crisis resource can create a bridge back to connection when your mind is telling you that you’re isolated. If you are in immediate danger or feel unable to keep yourself safe, please contact emergency services. A suicide hotline such as 988 (in the U.S.) can be called for immediate support — someone will answer, listen without judgment, and stay with you through the moment. You are not a burden, and the world is not better without you; your pain is real, but it is survivable, and help exists, even if right now hope feels out of reach.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]

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