ATT POETRY PEOPLE

I was hoping nobody would notice the hours I post here! LOL

But thanks for the offer, if I can get a hold of your email address I’d be glad to contact you. I just don’t know how to get it

I’ve come to hit a rock bottom,

of a stormy ocean,

one that I’ve battled for long,

one that I’ve lost its wars,

I’ve been submerged,

under its tumbling waves,

crashing on its shores,

white mist above me,

in the dark deep blue,

rumbling groaning waters,

sharks around me,

forceful waves.

I’ve reached the bottom,

hit the stony sharp rocks bellow the surface,

I’ve hit it and can’t go further down.

No further, no closer,

I’m trapped at the bottom,

never to arise,

from this dark gloomy sea,

I’m tired of it,

I’ve had enough of life,

I’m done completely,

I let my overwhelming emotions overcome me and I break down.

balling,

tears flowing like a river,

I reach for the knife,

create soft marks in my skin,

it makes me feel good,

I can harm myself,

punish myself for all the bad I’ve done.

I’ve had enough of battling this world,

fighting for my life,

I now succumb.

I’m dead.

Hashem,

I’m not a malach,

your giving me too much on my plate,

and you blame me for killing myself?!

HOW DARE YOU?!

I don’t know what I write,

dunno what flows off these keys,

dont know what I’m typing,

dunno anything…anywhere….anymore.

blabla, please don’t hurt yourself. It’s overwhelming and long and such a heavy load, but it will end! You will overcome! it may be taking longer than anyone would want, but each day is another day marked off of the cheshbon. Keep focusing on the sunshine that you know is coming, and believing in yourself! You WILL feel its warmth and see its light, you WILL! It might take another month, or 2, or even 5, but you are getting closer and closer with every hour, every step, walking on to the opening of this dark tunnel. I hope your in touch with kapusta or others who care. (kapusta- that was so special of you! Yasher koach!) Hang in there! Hoping every day is sunnier than the last!

Yes Kapusta clearly has outstanding middos. One of the nicest people I’ve met

Hey people I’m still around haven’t had time to write lately but ill have something soon. Bla bla keep on writing ur writing inspires me, it really does. Maybe you can incorporate a wish or a hope in each of ur poems like at the end. Its just a wish? Like I wish this dark tunnel would brighten up or I hope these waves allow me to survive. I think it can have an effect. What do you think?

First, I’d like to mention that I appreciate all those who are providing support-its what keeps me going! Even if I don’t respond, I really do read it!

To those who suggested writing good things down…I guess I could try…but i’d keep it private so that nobody who knows what good happens to me can figure me out 🙂

Now for me adding a hopeful twist…I’ll try that now:

Daunting days,

scary ways,

stuck in a blaze,

I’m in a daze,

don’t want to graze,

lost in a maze,

but forced to obey,

I can’t betray,

and so I delay,

these painful days,

hope I’ll survive this faze,

perhaps amaze.

blabla, that is great! And let me just say, that you already do amaze. The fact that you can come here and write so beautifully, with so much emotion and color, is an amazing thing. Keep it up, and you will definitely survive this phase! And I like the hopeful twist at the end. Wishing you a wonderful shabbos.

Amen! And yes I survived this torturous phase…was very very hard and not doing well now 🙁

The Producer

The Producer sadly shakes His head

As His guest gets up to leave

Because there was still much to be said

More of the tale to weave

Though He worked long and hard on this tale

A brand new show to premier

If the watcher now wanted to bail

Up to this point the film was bland

The story standard and mundane

It was leading up to something grand

A random chapter picked would show

A hospital ward full of joy

A yeshiva filled with bright young men

Learning each and all day long

Their studies supported yet again

By the saved boy, now rich and strong

At the weekly Shabbos table

Their family content, happy and stable

A great-grandchild 100 years hence

May cure the common cold

If we saw the full tale unfold

Another descendent, a less famous one

With an important role to play

Picks up schoolkids on his morning run

And drives them home again each day

Which is what he prefers

With the kindness he confers

The last clip shows a child in a scary place

Lost in a large and busy crowd

He turns; you see he has your face

So many faces go spinning past

Like snowflakes in a storm

In a world so chilly and so vast

The ones you know can keep you warm

The present is just one small piece

blabla i just read ur post and cried. I hope u did not dare to follow through on those thoughts. I am listening, and my heart is hurting for you. Please don’t give up. Even if today was black, you know there are up and down days. Maybe tomorrow will be even a bit better. Don’t mark today, skip it and wait for tomorrow to mark the sunshine with a poem. I am hoping you can feel my care, cuz it is real. I don’t know what kind of support one sad person can give another, but as long as i’m not making things worse i will try and do whatever i can. Let me share just a bit of the burden u are carrying, lighten it up a bit cuz i believe in you. Sending a hug your way. Please let me know how u are doing, feeling. Wishing you the best!

:'(

Please blabla. Call your therapist too and tell her. Let her help you through this low. Listening does help a lot really. If you’d want, i wish i could be available to you, to listen, whenever i could. i am on email more than coffee room… Please don’t let yourself get into that mindset if you can. Don’t let yourself be alone if you feel like that. i wish you could tell your parents if you felt that low, but…don’t turn to something that can leave scars. You WILL get out of the darkness. don’t leave scars to remind you. You will shine and shoot up, i believe that. and then you will hopefully be able to forget this time. i’m out of words, can only give you tears for your pain. will try again soon

ICOT, that was a masterpiece, and is a true piece of encouragement for anyone who reads it. I hope it was able to touch you somewhere somewhat blabla.

having someone listen to you helps even if they can’t change anything.

!!!!!

🙂

*kapusta*

Into blurred vision,

I’m plunged,

a fuzzy film,

remains,

blocking my view,

foggy brain,

windy thoughts,

stormy mind,

and I can’t study.

I can’t concentrate. 🙁 🙁

SaysMe, thanks for noticing by absence.

PrincessEagle, thanks.

I think I’m going to take a break from this place for now. Maybe I’ll be back when I feel a more positive vibe in the cr. Blabla, good luck with everything. Everyone, please keep this thread going, it is a wonderful thing. Wishing you all the best.

middlepath please don’t leave. Couldn’t u just come to the poetry thread? Bookmark it and avoid the rest?

I feel like slowly everyone encouraging and uplifting is leaving. This thread is dying, the CR is dying. I understand ppl wanting to leave til things clear up and theres a shift. But if all the positive ppl who care leave, what does that leave? Whats to motivate the change?

I can only speak for myself but thats how i feel. I try. I try to be helpful blabla. I know i care so much and try to show it and encourage, support. But a support group has strength in numbers. I am struggling myself. To give strength when i feel i have none is hopeful but i don’t know how helpful or strong what i try is. And i doubt it is much. At least in the poetry thread i hope to gain strength. From poems, and from the replies and care shown. But when the number of those has dwindled so so much…. I wish AYC would come back. I wish the poetry thread posters would be able to post more. I wish when i feel like blabla and am waiting desperately for the words of wisdom from others, that my reply isn’t the only, or amid only 1 or 2 more. Can’t we keep the strength of kindness and caring alive at least here, in this thread?

thanks blabla. for that all. i know i was just ranting and it may not have made great sense…i’m glad i help somewhat. you can be supportive, and u are!!

i hope ur busy with good stuff. And enjoying your vacation. If that’s the poetry source, then i’m glad ur not in the mood now. Thanks for making me smile.

Did you ever get to exchange your email addresses?!

Yep.

Thanks 🙂

*kapusta*

SaysMe-

*hug*

I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. Hope tomorrow (literally and figuratively) will be easier. Hang in there. 🙂

(Not quite at MP or AYC level but maybe something.)

*kapusta*

think first- abelated 🙂

kapusta, princess eagle- thank you. Kapusta- ANY reply is something and everything. A hug is even more. PE thanks for believing in me when i’m wavering. No email exchanging for now- i bug enuf ppl as is. Not so sure abt shabbos. I did get a lot of tears out. Good to have that ability again, bad that i am so sad i couldn’t stop… But no crying on shabbos. Or at least we try. Have a good shabbos all.

believe it or not, its the one i live by too. though it doesnt sound like it now…. and the one i tell other people…

i want a real hug so badly :(.

My bff got engaged, so i’m losing her. She has been just about my entire support system for a couple of years. Knows me and gets me inside and out. Best friend anyone could ask for. We think and feel the same in so many ways that she truly can finish my sentences and verbalize my feelings, and knows just what to say. Always encouraging, motivating, believing in me. Always there for me. And even just from when she was seriously dating, and ww couldn’t talk deeply, i felt lost and fell. And while i’m soso excited and happy and ecstatic, i’m sad and scared for myself… Makes me feel like such a horrible friend.

thanks Syag, ok i’m not horrrible. Like i said though, i already felt myself stumbling just from when we couldn’t talk lately, so i don’t believe in myself.

Your high school story sounds very similar to a friend of mine :). With this friend, after a while together we realized we were foing just that- focusing on and exacerbating the misery. And we switched to being encouraging and focusing on solutions. We’ve both been positive, and when one was down the other played the encourager. recently though, she’s been holding ME up and without her eyes seeing light, i’m stuck in the dark. writing has always been a way for me to work through emotions, both positive and negative. I 100% agree that positive writing helps me focus on that, and is a step above writing to get out the negative. But when i’m down, all my writing stops. I can’t write poems of hope and happiness, nor of tears and fears. Not at ALL taken liek mussar. To take the time to send that post shows support! I wish i could apply it, but right now its a point for me to put on hold til i get that back. Thank you.

Long version (and more personalized version)

The time has come for use to go

Our own ways, to the unknown

We leave our school to go away,

To a new life, to all new days.

Seminary is but a place to grow

To listen, to take in, and to know

Some may party, some may study

But all are going to have some buddies

We were like one for many years

Shuffles and mixes, moves near and far

We had our group, our circle of friends

But we never thought that this would end

A period of our lives is now at the close

When this happened, no one knows

It came so suddenly we all say

We wish it would not be this way

Please give us a little more time

To gather some gems we may find

Some pearls of Chachma, some diamonds of Binah

We missed out so much, Hashem Yishmor

You’ve helped me with everything, it shows you care

I could not have done this journey without you

How can I ever thank you?

Guess having gone under the water and panicked before makes me more scared. Piano is my escape, but unfortunately not available at night when i need it most usually. Interesting though, cuz most ppl tell me that i can use piano to calm myself etc but i should more importantly write to work through the emotions… Thanks for the email offer, but same answer right now.

Beware PE and kapusta, i might just take you up on your offer one day!

I miss hugs, I do

And i guess kisses too

i don’t get enough

but i need them, don’t you??

the warmth of the feeling

the showing the caring

it doesn’t suffice

in just mentally knowing

i need to be shown

i need it to be said

to feel the embrace

or the stroke on my head

Wish i could say that

to those who could give it

but the need to be shown

not all believe it

the last time i asked

i turned someone away

scared them off

in discomfort, they say

i remember when i’d

leave home every day

with a kiss, and at nite

a hug with me would stay

how i long for that

to have a bit once again

from a mentor who knows

my true pain, or a friend…….

when will the tears stop?? Never??

I want to just be happy for her. I AM so happy for her! But i need her :(. She’s my best friend, she’s closer than any sister could be. She knows me inside and out, understands me, gets me. I don’t wanna lose this friendship :'(. I don’t know how to cope with these emotions. Shes the most special, sensitive, caring, kindest, encouraging, understanding friend. Before her i didn’t know such a friendship could exist and its not one i think can be replicated ever. And now i’m losing her. And i can’t stop crying. I get teary just thinking about it and keep bawling myself to sleep. How long wll this go on? Or will it not stop til she’s married and i adjust? Or til i numb to it? My emotions are on overdrive. I miss her so much already. All the conversations i was waiting to have-will they ever happen now? All the advice i was waiting for the right time to ask-now i’ll have to navigate alone? Or will i now need real help. Thats what every

one else thinks now… A year and a half ago we began learning mussar sefer together. Every night we learn together and then t

alk, generally for at least an hour, often more. And yom tov aside we rarely miss a day. Maybe once every month or two. And now that’s all gonna stop! I won’t even know what to do with myself in the evening! Its been for talking for a couple of years now! I’m losng so much of myself too! My daily learning, my ruchni role model, my friend, my support, my daily lift no matter what happened. I’m not ready to lose her or our friendship. I don’t want to ever!!! :'( :'(