shidduchim and weight…..

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  • #596331

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    okay so i am new to the coffee room, but i am just so frustrated and i need some comments or advice of what i should do…..heres the deal. i am a 20 year old girl. and i know thats not old, but….i am overweight. i am NOT obese. im just not a twig. and i dont have to buy plus sized cloths in the stores, b”h. i just have to buy larges and extra larges. but i am a good girl, with good middos (i hope!) i went to bais yaakov schools and a bais yaakov seminary like all my friends. the thing is, that one by one all my friends are getting married while i have not even had ONE shidduch suggestion. and i feel like no one even cares. like, i went to shadchanim and at the end of the visit they told me….”okay, so tell ur mom that she could remind me once in a while about you….” that stings!!! i am trying my utmost to get my weight issues under control, and b”h, it is working, but i am never going to be a size 2. or even a 4….i dont know, sometimes i think that in todays day and age, that is all that matters!!!! like, thats all that guys really care about…. really i know thats not true, but have any of you out there struggled with this? what did you do? how did you get married?????

    #906528

    cofeefan
    Member

    omg your post takes the words RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i am in the EXACT same situation! i was told by someone that 3 boys said no to me because they are “concerned abt my weight” i CANNOT TELL YOU (im sure you know…..) how much that hurt me. i am a great girl (if i do say so myself….) i will be a great mother and wife, my family is FANTASTIC but bec i am not a size 2, 4, 6 or even an 8 or 10 i am not wanted. tis world is MESSED up! i cried myself to sleep for DAYS until i decided that i dont care. the right boy will love me for ME not for what i look like. i am healthy, i am happy and the main thing is…. i am a nice caring person. if a boy (or his mother) cant get passed how much i weigh then im sorry he is NOT for me!

    thats not to say it doesnt hurt… IT DOES!!!!!!!!! i wish wish wish people would put theor priorities in order!!!

    #906529

    um
    Member

    when my parents to shidduch info they dafka don’t want a girl that looks like she will fly away with the wind cause she can’t hold herself besides a lot of those girls have health issues and have a hard time with having children because they are to weak and undernurished

    #906530

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Then they wonder why girls are becoming anorexic. (Which BTW, does not help you in shidduchim either.)

    #906531

    s2021
    Member

    cofeefan- good 4 u! Ur husband will love u 4 YOU and u know he will have his priorities strait. Some girls get stuck with ridiculously shallow guys without even knowing it. U r protected from those kinds so dont feel too bad. Yick. This topic makes me so annoyed..

    #906532

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    when my parents to shidduch info they dafka don’t want a girl that looks like she will fly away with the wind

    It doesn’t matter what your parents want. It matters what the person who is dating wants.

    #906533

    pumper
    Member

    Whenever you feel down, tell yourself that Hashem is capable of ANYTHING! If Hashem was able to create and maintain the world, He is able to send you your bashert!

    I know plenty of people who are chubby, overweight, even obese, who have gotten married. Yes, there are some sane people out there (can you imagine?) Not everyone is only concerned with the externals. Someone will come along who is worthy of you, and won’t care how much you weigh!

    As for now, do your hishtadlus by always looking put together, even if you have a few extra pounds. Don’t let yourself wally in self pity (though that does sound very tempting…)

    #906534

    flyer
    Participant

    there is nothing wrong with your mother reminding the shadchan about you. They see 100’s of girls. that is how my sister’s shidduch came about – my mother used to call a few shadchanim every 3-4 weeks and one time one of them asked her son do you know anyone for and she described my sister. The boy thought of someone and it was a shidduch. Keep on calling them. Don’t worry about your size. I was never a size 2,4 6 or 8. The right one will come at the right time.

    #906535

    ucgnet12
    Member

    Well, I am a guy and you can’t blame us guys for not wanting a fat girl! We are just not attracted to them. What do you want us to do, marry a girl we don’t feel attracted to???

    #906536

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    hey cofefan – i cried myself to sleep also and decided that i dont care…..but i really DO care. a LOT! and i know the right one will come at the right time i”h and he’ll love me for who i am and not how much i weigh….but what do u do when like all ur close friends are getting married and ur like, …..lonly???

    #906537

    I am not in shidduchim so I can only try to relate.

    About weight-no matter how many diets you go on daven because if Hashem wants you’ll loose it and otherwise nothing will change. Make sure to stay HEALTHY not on carb-free or grape diets, etc. They are DANGEROUS!!! Also, DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF!!!! Its not the weight that counts-its the way you look! Weight always fluctuates and everyone is built differently. NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!!!! It will just make you obsessed and you don’t want to become anorexic! Remember that the right one will look passed your weight and like you the way you are. I have many relatives who got married and were not 2,4,6,or 8. Daven, daven, daven Hashem should help you find the right one soon!

    #906538

    ucgnet12:

    What are you doing in this thread?! Its a mean joke for a woman to play

    #906539

    pumper
    Member

    ucgnet12-

    so you are obviously not the right guy for them! They will hold out for someone who does not put so much emphasis on the external, and knows that the midos and character of a person are what’s important in life.

    #906540

    TikkunHatzot
    Member

    Well, here is a comment from a guy…since I am a guy.

    First, (I’m not looking to get married at the moment, but) when I was in the military, I was engaged (but it got broken off due to issues of, well, being in the military) to a girl that was 5’8″ 180lbs. I’m 5’11 & was 165lbs at the time. So, don’t assume that EVERY guy is looking for a skinny gal.

    Different guys are attracted to different girls; average guys look for average girls & since you mentioned you have good middos, then you probably weren’t looking for an average guy in the first place. So who cares what average girls look like since they only attract average guys to begin with.

    Second, this post has helped me to have a little more faith in finding someone. My situation is like this: I’ve been told that I’m good-looking, strong & have a great character and women usually tend to fall in love me right off the bat…until they find out that I do NOT have MILLIONS of dollars and/or that I have no golden lineage that is full of rabbis that date straight back to the time of Rashi….it seems that many of the woman that I’ve met(apparently not the ones on this board, though), don’t put the same amount of appreciation on a person that agonizes to serve their Creator versus someone that agonizes at work to make an extra $50,000 a year.

    Third, have you thought of keeping a journal? What I mean is that let’s say this time next year you are married. You’ll probably be going about your life without thinking back to how you agonized over this situation in the CR.

    BUT if you kept a journal, then maybe you could look back to it & maybe write a small book for the women that will be going through these tough times. You could describe the emotions & thoughts that you had before & after. And this could be a great way to help those women in the future to have more faith. Just a thought.

    #906541

    aries2756
    Participant

    Hey guys, some of you should take a good look in the mirror. Girls don’t want fatsos either! But they don’t ask if the boy is a 38 or 42. They don’t say the largest boy they will go out with is a 42 tall or 36 waist do they? Why is it that Shadchanim have no qualm presenting a 42 inch waist to a size 0 girl. That is enough to crush her and make her stop breathing. So why doesn’t everyone take a reality check here? Boys and girls are no different in that area. Everyone wants a good looking and healthy looking spouse. But if a guy is looking for a size 0 girl you had better know that she is looking for a 32 in waist. So just as you guys expect the girls to diet, you had better give up your bagels and doughnuts as well and hit the gym.

    Furthermore, for all you genius guys out there. Guess what happens when your tiny wives become pregnant? They can gain anywhere from 25 – 50 lbs and not all of them are going to lose all that weight. And if they have another one the next year they are going to add another 25 – 50 lbs. Get the message? A size 2 can become a size 8 or 10 very quickly if not larger. And if you have a healthy appetite and she is cooking to your heart’s desire, she might just join you or keep up with you. What then, she might just start fitting into your pants.

    So both young men and young women, parents and shadchanim have to have a better outlook on this situation as well as mechanchim and Roshei Yeshivas. As for you don’t lose weight to get a shidduch, lose weight because you need to be healthy for yourself and you need to feel good about yourself. If you like yourself at this weight then embrace yourself and your body and be happy for who you are.

    #906542

    apushatayid
    Participant

    The maternity ward is packed with chubby overweight women. B’eh your bashert will come along, and when he does he won’t care if you are a size 2 or 22.

    #906543

    mw13
    Participant

    “Girls don’t want fatsos either! But they don’t ask if the boy is a 38 or 42.”

    True, but they do tend to ask how tall he is… Why is that any different?

    #906544

    hanib
    Participant

    i have seen all different size girls get married right away and all different sized girls as older singles – i have never seen a correlation between one’s figure and age they got married.

    #906545

    cofeefan
    Member

    ilovetheholyland-

    “….but what do u do when like all ur close friends are getting married and ur like, …..lonly???”

    GOOD QUESTION!!! im trying to figure that out myself! its VERY VERY hard!!! trust me im in theEXACT boat as you!! i wish there was some comforting words to tell you but i dont have any to say to myself execpt Hashem made someone who is gonna make us soooo happy no matter what we look like, and we WILL find him!!! and if you need to vent- i KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING!!!!! =)

    my mother always says; “all the boys want ‘barbie dolls’ but dont they know they’re not all ‘ken’….”

    #906546

    pumper
    Member

    TikkunHatzot-

    you are so right! I always think about that point. Woman always complain that men care about looks too much and are too external. On the other hand, many girls are unrealistic about boys when it comes to money, jobs etc.(are they a professional? did they go to college?) That is being very external as well! Girls have to be consistent in this area.

    As for the journal idea- that is so interesting that you brought that up! I was thinking about doing that for a while now. Instead of all the days mushing into each other, a journal might help us keep focus, and try to make the most of each and every day.

    #906547

    Smiles247
    Member

    ucgnet12- you are making the whole male population look like animals, looks are not everything. A girl can be gorgeous and satisfy the need of being attracting,but her middos may not be on the same playing field and after a few years or even months of marriage all your going want is someone who has the middos that really count.

    I also agree with TikkunHatzot, i think writing a journal would be very beneficial. Especially because at the end of the day when HaShem brings you to your bashert, you will realize how much you have grown in your avodas HaShem.

    ilovetheholyland remember your middos are what realy count, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

    #906548

    dunno
    Member

    I wasn’t gonna comment on this thread but aries2756, when people say things like you did it annoys me to no end. Yes, you’re 100% right that lots of girls gain weight after having kids. But if you start off with a size 0 maybe she’ll go up to a 2,4,6,8 or beyond. When you start off with a 12, 14, etc she’s going up too! How can someone tell a guy what to be attracted to?? It’s mind boggling to me. There are guys who don’t mind overweight girls and hopefully overweight girls will find those guys soon. But to blame the guys for this is ridiculous.

    And regarding your other point aries2756, I don’t know guys sizes but I know several girls who are way more attracted to broad guys than to skinny ones.

    #906549

    dunno-hate to break it to you but when girls are pregnant they can be waayyyyyy bigger than an 8! They are the ones working really hard carrying around kids for 9 months and then when they’re finally done they’re expected to loose every ounce they gained. This world has gone insane!!!

    And its so true that boys can demand whatever they want and the first word a girl says they’re called “too picky”-NOT FAIR!

    #906550

    mw13
    Participant

    Smiles247

    “looks are not everything.”

    I don’t think anybody is suggesting that looks are everything, only that one must be attracted to a girl to consider marrying her. If for whatever reason that attraction does not exist, a marriage is simply not an option.

    #906552

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    cofeefan –

    “all the boys want ‘barbie dolls’ but dont they know they’re not all ‘ken’….”

    lol, i LOVE the line!!!! its AWESOME!

    tikun –

    thanks for your journal idea!!! being that i love to write, i might just do it…. 🙂

    #906553

    yeshivaguy1
    Member

    I have a couple of friends who are specifically into overweight girls.

    #906554

    Ilovetheholyland & coffeefan: totally agree and sympathize!

    I think it’s crazy what this world is coming to. There’s more than just the dress size. And yes, many times people that are thin are obsessed with their weight, which is unhealthy and annoying for ppl around them. I think people should get their priorities straight and grow up!!!

    #906555

    Sacrilege
    Member

    TikkunHatzot

    A girl at 5’8” 180, although that may sound a little overweight if in shape and toned, thats what a woman is supposed to look like! Unfortunately, Yeshiva boys like their woman looking like well…. Yeshiva boys. Woman are supposed to be curvy!

    “On the other hand, many girls are unrealistic about boys when it comes to money, jobs etc.(are they a professional? did they go to college?) That is being very external as well!”

    Thats not being external, thats simply wanting stability. Granted no one can guarantee that just because Boy X went to Harvard has 3 Bachelors a Masters and a Phd, money will never be a problem, but a girl wanting that over say a guy who never went to school and will do whatever ‘comes up’ or mooching off his parents, that there is nothing wrong with.

    #906556

    trak443
    Member

    i was guilty of only wanting a “model” when i was dating, too. every girl i went out with was not pretty enough. then i went out with my (then future) wife. i came home and my parents asked me about her, expecting the usual physical run-down. i rehashed the entire conversation we had on the date. when they asked me what she looked like. i couldn’t remember!!!! i was just soo smitten!!! (it turns out my wife was a size 12; i dont mind admitting, since nobody here knows who i am).

    ps. after 5 kids, she still is a size 12!!

    moral of the story: when it’s right, it’s right. have faith.do your hishtadlus; HKB”H will handle the rest.

    pps. my son is in shidduchim now, and we have discussed not focusing on weight/looks. he is naturally not interested in skinny, anyway. he is more worried about emotional health and personality. so to all you not-skinny girls i say, bring on the shidduch resumes!

    #906557

    pumper
    Member

    Sacrilege-

    I’m not really interested in getting into the nitty gritty details of it, I’m just trying to say that girls do sometimes get bogged down by the external trappings (not necessarily looks or weight) and that is something to keep in mind when complaining about boys being external. Just a thought…

    #906558

    dunno
    Member

    mischiefmaker

    Hence my terminology “or beyond.” But you missed my point. A girl who starts out at a larger size will become even larger after kids as well…

    #906559

    shlishi
    Member

    Sac, a girl who insists on a guy who went to Harvard or the like is, quite simply, vain.

    #906560

    A girl who starts out larger can very well become thinner and a thin girl can and we have seen many who end up being larger than the larger was to begin with.

    Some people have thyroid issues which calls for alot of self control and way of life, so we shouldn’t be judgemental about weight.

    I have struggled with weight all my life and today many of my grademates who were thin are heavier than myself. I know i must watch or else i easily gain weight. This is part of my life. People who used to be thin and suddenly start gaining have an issue with self control.

    It’s interesting that if the girl has $$$$$ to match the weight then it’s not a issue!?!?!?!?!?

    #906561

    dunno-not necessarily. I know some very skinny girls who ended up bigger than heavy set people after being pregnant. Its very hard to loose weight gained during pregnancy! It doesn’t always have to do with how she was before.

    #906562

    Sacrilege
    Member

    shlishi

    Obviously (not to you?) it was an example.

    #906563

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    A girl at 5’8” 180, although that may sound a little overweight if in shape and toned, thats what a woman is supposed to look like!

    Sac: Are you sure about that?

    According to some online weight calculator I found, her ideal weight would be 140.

    I am 5’7″, and I weigh less than 140, and I do not look “skinny”, and I have a broader build than most women.

    #906564

    Sacrilege
    Member

    Popa

    Online calculators (and any chart for that matter) are extremely basic. They dont take anything like body frame, muscle, ethnicity etc in to account, all of those things are factors. A female at 5’8” 140 lbs may be ideal for a small framed woman, with no muscle, and no shape.

    “I am 5’7”, and I weigh less than 140, and I do not look “skinny” “

    Yes, I am sure you are a regular Dwayne Johnson. Mazal Tov, you are Jewish.

    #906565

    cshapiro
    Member

    woah popa ur short, i dont think u should be so selective lol

    and lol sac 😉

    #906566

    Sacrilege
    Member

    “woah popa ur short”

    Welcome to the Jewish male dating pool.

    #906567

    cofeefan
    Member

    my main point on this…

    although i agree that no one should go out with someone theyre not attracted to (i agree attraction is very important!!)…. people dont understand how hurtful this can be to someone. dont say no just bec of a picture!!! i happen to look MUCH bigger in photos. i just dont come out well!! but bec some boys (not all.. there are some really normal ones out there im sure…..) cant get passed the desire for perfection they wont even give me a chance (even though my parents are more than willing/able to support btw…..) its just plain hurtful!!!!! some people are not willing to look passed it and if i may be so bold… theyre missing out. ive come to learn that. (and before everyone comes jumping on me for saying that…. ive spoken to many people about this topic and ive been told that a lot…… everyone has their plus sides and minus sides we need to focus on our plus’ TOGETHER with ou minus’!! its something im trying to work on being that i have a very low self esteem)

    #906568

    cshapiro
    Member

    uh so not my style…

    #906569

    hanib
    Participant

    cofefan – about what to do during this time? make new friends. go on trips to israel, go to shiurim, etc. and you’ll meet other amazing people and make new friends!

    most of the people who are telling people to lose weight or who think guys want the size 2 girl are women.

    i know many men who do NOT prefer the skinny, anorexic look.

    if someone is not just padded, but is obese – that is a health issue, and they should try to get help.

    #906570

    dunno
    Member

    mischiefmaker

    I didn’t say it ALWAYS works like this but I do think that the thinner ones generally won’t become obese after kids.

    #906571

    mw13
    Participant

    “people dont understand how hurtful this can be to someone. dont say no just bec of a picture!!!… but bec some boys (not all.. there are some really normal ones out there im sure…..) cant get passed the desire for perfection they wont even give me a chance … its just plain hurtful!!!!!”

    I understand why this would you make you feel hurt; however, that does not automatically make it the boys’ fault. If the attraction isn’t there, it isn’t there; it is not necessarily anybody’s fault.

    #906572

    cofeefan
    Member

    how do they know the attractions not there if they wont even go out with them? you cant tell from a picture can you? im not talking about if they go out and theyre not attracted thats fine, you dint have to be attracted to everyone! sometimes its just not there. but saying no BEFORE any date because of a PICTURE…. that stings. its NO ONES fault its just the way of the world and its sad!!! no one is to blame im sorry if i made it sound that way

    #906573

    shlishi
    Member

    why would you want to marry such a vain boy?? be happy they took themselves out of the running and didnt waste your time!

    #906574

    A23
    Participant

    I get sent a lot of resumes with pictures, and the bottom line is that while you can’t always tell if a girl is attractive, you certainly can tell if she’s unattractive (obviously I mean this subjectively, i.e., “to me”). If she has naturally pretty features, but they are altered by too much fat, she will likely look less attractive. How is that the guy’s fault? It’s no mitzvah to say yes to a girl that is unattractive just to see if her personality will completely upend the scales.

    As an aside, I can pretty much say that any girl of average height under 185 pounds is certainly not too fat for me. This is not a blanket statement, but I thought I could add some specificity to this.

    #906575

    pumper
    Member

    A23-

    Did you ever hear of someone who is not photogenic? I know that I am not, and I look MUCH better in real life than in pictures. On the other hand, there are people who are very photogenic, and come out great in pictures, but in real life they don’t look as good. So basically, you are judging someone on their ability to look good in a picture. Now isn’t that just a great way to find your bashert?

    #906576

    cofeefan
    Member

    “why would you want to marry such a vain boy?? be happy they took themselves out of the running and didnt waste your time!”

    you are ABSOLUTELY right!!! thanks for pointing that out!!!!!! 😉

    and pumper- i agree with u 100% i look 10 punds heavier in EVERY picture i take!!!!

    #906577

    ckbshl
    Member
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