daniela

w.o.w. it is impossible to give advice on what you should do, if you should allow your son to hang out with his friends or not, if you should allow him to sleep all day long or not, if you should allow him to use the computer or not, and so on. This, only someone with understanding and wisdom, and with expertise and common sense, and who in addition knows your son very well, can do. But there is also something which I think can be said. You and your husband are in charge and you must be. You sometimes seem to look up to your own confused son for guidance. You appear to believe that he decides and you have to live with his decisions, when it’s the contrary. Also, in response to the suggestion that maybe it’s possible to invite his friend to hang out in your backyard, you opposed a no, reasoning that you are not sure you’d be able to handle them. Yet your son is meeting them often, and in some random public place or private house. Can he handle them alone, at 16 and at a difficult time? Perhaps, but you have to think this out.

I am not saying you should forbid or permit, as I said already. But you need to make a decision – one that you are convinced of, one that you feel you can defend in front of everybody, be your other children, your neighbours, your rabbi, and anyone else, now and in the future – don’t haste to make it, don’t search for a quick fix that does not exist, talk to people you trust, then think about it, then talk to them again. But then, make a decision and stick to it.

What do you mean you can’t force compliance? And what do you mean throw him out of the house? Why would you, and even more, why would he? Does he have a source of income? Does not sound like it, on the contrary it looks like the boy could not even keep his bathroom clean enough and cook for himself and do the laundry, let alone take care of a house, let alone earn money to pay for it. Do you have family members that you can trust? where he could move for a few weeks? a grandfather or an uncle? If so, perhaps it’s not a bad option, but you don’t mention it.

I think the problems of the boy have nothing to do with “off the derech”. I think they would be identical if he had been born in a non religious family and attended public school. He has no real idea of what he wants, except from a vague expectation that problems solve themselves by miracles and that the world is out there at our service. Unfortunately this is not how life and reality is. I do not mean in any way to belittle his pain, which, whatever the source, he is obviously feeling. But it does not help to let that pain destroy his life, and possibly more than his own. Many people have had to suffer the unspeakable and it is possible to rebuild a life from all sorts of shattered past. No doubt your son can do so, but at this time, whatever the reason, he does not want to. I believe you have not considered this – I know, we all wish it would never happen to our loved ones; but think about it the other way, he has loving family to help, and you are in a position to help and make a difference. He has a life in front of him. Picture him in a few years, picture his wife and their children….

However you have not told us a very important part of the story, not even through your eyes. What does *he* says? Is that really, he wants to hang out with his friends and have fun (?) and wants you to support him with money, clean laundry, freshly made bed with pressed bedsheets, awesome food, justifying him in front of his siblings, schoolmates and rabbis, and shutting up the neighbours in case there’s some gossip? Has he said so? You know, you may be misinterpreting him and his attitude. Before assuming something, we need to make sure. He sounds like a sweet boy and not like that. Perhaps a boy who finds it hard to express himself, especially with you, but not someone like that. It’s important to be fair and to hear and listen to his side of the story. Perhaps the only reason he is not discussing with you his hopes and plans for the future, is that he does not dare, or perhaps it is that he is so worried and confused he can’t find a few hours to think clearly, but would do so in a few days as soon as circumstances change. You are in a short-circuit at this time, and so is he. Also his siblings do not seem to be able to reach to him. His friends, I don’t know, they may or may not (and in any case, it’d be your choice to talk to them or not to). But, you have to find someone. Try to think about it, to think about people you know and trust and who can help.

I am so sorry w.o.w. to hear of your troubles and your family’s.

I think you need someone to help, someone who can see things from outside and put them in perspective. But first of all, it is crucial to know more.

What is happening and why? I understand he is changing his lifestyle, but he is not even mechalel shabbat, not in public at least anyway. So what is going on? Perhaps the problem simply is that he would like to change his lifestyle (to some undetermined western teenager type, because he does not have anything that passionates him at this time? or does he?) and feels that the lifestyle he desires would be incompatible with observance. Then he needs someone who says that he does not ever have to do something he does not want to, including being mechalel shabbos, and who can give practical ideas and solutions. Is there something else, such as he does not believe in G-d? If so he needs to hear different things, such as that what he does is way more important than what he thinks. I think the most important point, and you should definitely have a rabbi he respects say this, is that – no matter what – he should never feel like a second-class jew. You can have the rabbi show up with some excuse, and if you think it’s better, he can say something like that about an imaginary person, rather than address him directly.

I believe it is very important that you protect your other children, not from his “bad influence” and stupid movies (which are available everytwhere nowadays), but from wrong ideas, such as this attitude being a good way to increase attention and love. Imagine in the future trying that with a spouse. Please, talk to someone who knows your family.