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I had the impression that aurora77 is in her late 30s, because she is an established attorney (if I recall correctly). Should she wait to seek her soulmate? possibly, but let a reputable Rabbi say so, no one of us is qualified to give this advice which potentially may be regretted for a lifetime.
Also, there are issues beyond the observance, because her status is not completely clear, if I understood correctly, and correct me if I am wrong.
Aurora77 maybe we look nosey with all those questions about your private life, please forgive us, we are trying to help.
Neil Armstrong was confronted with the recording, having always maintained he said “a man”, and he admitted in TV he did not hear it either. He still insisted being sure having pronounced it.
Decades later, someone deconvolved the soundtrack (remember there is about 2 seconds delay and sound transmission was nothing like hifi) and claimed the “a” was there. I am not sure if anyone did a serious analysis of the voice processing, which would likely be inconclusive.
This question should be asked to a rabbi or anyway to someone smarter than me. But would it be helpful to put this issue aside, or would it make even more difficult for you and your other half to meet each others?
Dear Aurora
there is no such thing as a second-class jew. Or as the Lubavicher Rabbi (Chabad) said it, there are jews who do mitzvot (commandments), jews who do more mitzvot, jews who do even more mitzvot. You should keep that in mind, whatever you decide to do in the future.
I think you should focus on finding a jewish spouse. I know it is difficult in a place which does not have a big community and most people are reform / conservative / unaffiliated. But if you think fast forward 30 years, this will have enormous impact on your life and shape your future.
Have you thought of asking someone to come and help you and kasher your kitchen?
It’s very hard to give advice about shabbos without knowing you and what you find difficult, but perhaps you can post questions, many people try to answer and give different viewpoints and suggestions, hopefully you will be able to find some little piece of advice that suits you.
ready now, try to imagine how she approaches it
She doesn’t have timers, she does not even think about a timer, even if she has the idea and thinks timers can be useful she still would not know if it’s permissible, she might not be used to sleep with the lights on, she might wake up and switch off the light and then feel bad about it and not sleep….
First of all, allow me to say I am heartbroken about your mother’s health issues and I wish her a complete recovery. I know words are empty when someone has serious problems, yet I care.
I think maybe you should ask someone in person and everything would be much easier. It’s not difficult to observe Shabbat for someone who wants to, while 200 years ago it was. But your situation is different, because you don’t know the rules and how to do. Also I would not discount the comment of zahavasdad, which asks you if you plan to get bored in the house for the whole day, possibly in the dark or in the cold. It is my opinion you have to think of the seemingly simple problems, because they are important in the long run, and make the difference in committment.
Are there other jews where you live? Consider that older people are likely to have had some sort of jewish education, also secular jews with secular parents used to; someone who is aware of the basic laws could give you suggestions. Take everything with a pinch (or a handful) of salt, it goes without saying; but you seem to be completely alone, which is tremendously difficult.
I have not understood why you are not asking a rabbi, and if it is your choice, or contingent problems (all of those can be easily solved).
The other thing I have not understood is what your mother thinks about all of this.
I once attempted to pretend I was a wow enthusiast, but people did not take me seriously. Someone even said a joke in my face, it was about a workoholic who had found a good excuse for his evenings and nights in the office 😛
Dear Aurora
I try to outline a few basic points.
Meals should be either meat, or dairy. That means no meat is allowed anywhere close to dairy, not in cooking, not in serving, and viceversa. Meat also includes poultry. Meat (and poultry) needs to be kosher certified because it must be slaughtered and prepared in a specific way and by an observant jew.
For dairy, the cheese has to be kosher certified, but with milk or butter, you can rely upon the regular ones.
As I mentioned, you can eat fish in a meal with meat, but there are restrictions. You can’t cook them together and you can’t eat them together. If you wish to do that, you have to cook separately, then you eat the meat dish, then you eat something else (vegetables, eggs, bread) and then you eat the fish. You can also do the reverse order. There is no restriction with fish and dairy.
You don’t have to buy certified fish, but you need to be able to recognize kosher fish, because not every fish is. Or you can make a list of fish you ordinarily buy and have someone read it.
Eggs can be eaten with milk or with meat. Same with vegetables. When you buy them canned, the easiest thing is to search for kosher certified, which in fact are no more expensive than competitors. If you buy them raw and clean them, you have to check for insects and parasites. There are guidelines that you can find on the websites of reputable kosher certification agencies. You can also find on the internet plenty of discussions about the kosher status of coffee-based beverages. To tell you the truth, I only drink black coffee.
There is one more item which would require kosher certification, that is wine, grape juice, wine vinegar. The beers and liquors, as long as they are made from kosher ingredients (e.g. there is some tequila which includes a nonkosher, and disgusting, ingredient) do not require certification. Soft drinks, you can usually find them certified. Mineral water and sparkling mineral water does not require certification, but there are brands who have certification anyway.
There are restrictive rules on Pesach but that’s many months away 🙂
The other thing you should know, is that your kitchen cookware, dishes, etc. will eventually need to be rearranged, because it can absorbe nonkosher taste or it can create a forbidden mixture of milk and meat. Perhaps you should ask someone to do that in person, because it is difficult to explain over the internet.
Also, of course, nonkosher food (e.g. for the cats) has to be prepared separately and care should be taken when you use and store the food, the pots, etc.
I wish you much success!
I don’t think you can rely on the internet, for example fish is pareve, but you can’t eat it with meat, much less cook them together. Also it would be very hard to make your kitchen kosher without asking for help. However, many people would be happy to help you for free.
For the time being, perhaps you could tell us what you ordinarily eat, and may be we can give some advice.
Most food of vegetable origin is intrinsically kosher, but it is important to make sure it is free of insect and parasites.
To Aurora77: If you are planning to own other pets in the future, and you would like them to have that surgery, you have to ask a question, with all the details. You can no doubt ask it from Rabbi Amar and in the same letter, you can also ask for clarification of his previous rulings. You can also discuss the alternate procedures that were mentioned, which involve removing blood supply and thus have organs atrophize: it is my understanding they are intended for use in the very specific situations I outlined, in order to minimize violation in those cases in which it’s permissible to do. But of course I am no rabbi and I would never presume to teach. On the other hand I can tell, because I have seen people do it, that cats and dogs, and other animals which are kept for utility (bulls, horses, etc) or as pets, can have a long, healthy and happy life without being subjected to the surgery.
To The Chassidishe Gatesheader: I am sorry, I did not write the Torah. And the reason I would never willingly help in neutering or spaying pets is not that I find it cruel, it is that it’s forbidden. Moreover, I was taught we ask a question from our Rabbi and then we do what he tells us. I am willing to believe that’s exactly what you did, and that you were told you are allowed to spay and neuter all your cats, both males and females. But this does not completely help, because that’s not how I was taught. So, when I see a sick or wounded stray cat and I know I have the option, say, of making a phone call, you bet I won’t be calling anyone. I could tell stories about how a chiloni veterinarian agreed to something (and money was paid to secure that), then some person talked the vet into doing the surgery without notifying anyone, using a load of lies about it being permissible and a kindness to animals. I wonder if you would have an excuse for that, or if you find it as repulsive as I do.
Thank you all for the suggestions and kind words. Also thank to Aurora for the very interesting article.
I have heard about answers which permit in some cases to remove reproductive organs from animals (having nonjews do it), but, correct me if I am wrong, this was done under two conditions:
– the animal had a disease which would cause it to suffer and die, were the surgery not performed
– the animal’s owner would suffer great distress and/or financial loss
But those leniencies are not applicable generically. Most animals are not neutered because they have an ovarian or testicular cancer, but because their owners would like to. Most animals in a shelter don’t even have an owner, the shelter has taken animals which were either in the streets or whose owners wanted to get rid of them for whatever reasons (I am not discussing legitimate reasons vs superficial reasons, just the fact that owners no longer want to keep them).
There is no obligation to allow animals to reproduce, we may avoid it by keeping it apart from other animals or via hormonal treatment, but it’s not so straightforward. These pets, even when alone, make noise at night and disturb their owners, who might eventually bring them in for surgery. And the hormonal treatments, which I have paid for and taken care of it via sympathetic veterinarians writing the prescription, means that people are harassed and told they are causing disease to the animals (?! human females take the pill too…), while the surgery would “magically” eliminate diseases and give long life (yeah I know it’s pocket lining, but that’s what they are told – sometimes in public and in front of their children or other people). It’s a problem when someone who cares for a pet is insulted like that, because most will give in, or alternatively, get rid of the pet by letting it out in the streets. Those few who don’t, I am sorry to say, will one day find out that surgery had been done.
Perhaps people like you should consider setting up an animal shelter and clinic, one that does not spay or neuter under any circumstances (it should not accept animals with the sort of diseases I mentioned before: these cases are very rare, let the owners ask their posek). Or at least, flood with letters the shelter you donate to or where you volunteer. If it’s possible to set up a no-kill shelter, then no doubt it’s possible to set up one which respect our beliefs. It would also provide a living for people who would like to become veterinarians or veterinary technical/sanitary assistants and who would be excellent professionals, but in the current system, can not. The very existence of people like that, out in the open, would mean a lot and make a lot of difference.
Dear Aurora
first of all, thank you for sharing your amazing story, and I wish you a lot of success and happiness.
Please be aware there is no prohibition to own an animal who has been neutered or spayed. I am sure you would never had done that, had you been aware of the prohibition and had the animal been yours. You have nothing to regret.
On the other hand, according to most authorities, the prohibition also applies to nonjews, and so, we can’t give the cat to the nonjew and have the nonjew do the surgery for us, and we can’t even ignore the issue in the case we have no interest in taking back the dog or cat and the nonjew will keep it and we never see it again. This is one part of the problem, but – fair enough, one could find people who will not do. Most jews including chilonim are disgusted by the very idea, also there are nonjews (namely hindus) who have similar prohibitions and will not do. But then the second part of the problem kicks in: in western countries, veterinarians do not think this is appropriate, and will basically force upon the person, or even do it without their knowledge at the first opportunity and charge it to some or some other “animal welfare charity”. The only legal recourse is if the animal is a purebred, then one may warn, beforehand, that should it be spayed or neutered against our wishes, we’ll prosecute to the full extent of the law. But if the animal is no purebred, the law does not protect us in most countries and states.
Many shelters require spaying or neutering as a condition for adopting a pet: they have no problem with it remaining caged, and not even with killing it, but giving it to a loving owner who will not do – they don’t even want to hear about.
It is a crazy situation and we need people like you to speak up, of course it does not help that people like me complain, because I won’t adopt anyway. You have to know, Aurora, that many of us are not very attracted to pets, because we have families and can’t handle the extra workload (and who will wash the nonkosher dishes and where?), because we are overwhelmed with human beings and jews asking for help and we can’t help them all, let alone the animals, and also because we were raised in a different outlook from the mainstream western culture and many among us are not interested in pets. But the key point is that everyone’s rights and beliefs should be respected, which also will lead to better care for animals, because, as I said, so many times I would have phoned someone, or a shelter, or a veterinarian. Possibly I’d have even paid some money. I don’t, because the few times I did, it turned out a terrible disaster.
Let me tell you about the one time it worked out: the cat (female) was very old and had health troubles. Plenty of money had been spent on it previously. The owners were moving to another country, and brought with them another cat (its offspring) but this one did not comply with quarantine and import requirements. So the owners asked around, but could not find anyone, they cared very much for the cat (the very fact they spent lots of money on it, shows so) but they had no option, and in the end, arranged euthanasia. I am happy to say someone took the cat instead, and that it lived peacefully the rest of its life, and since the cat was old and sick, no one insisted with the new owners about sterilizing.
But unfortunately I could tell you very different stories, lots of those. In each one of these I did my best, and yet, it did not work.
I understand, but what to do? I don’t have the time or energy to take care of it. It is unfortunate but if I call anyone who is likely to want a cat in the house, regardless if jewish (probably non observant) or not, this person will right away, or shortly afterwards, have the animal sterilized, which is a very serious prohibition. Nothing works, it does not work have people sign this or that, it does not work giving them money, it does not even work giving the cat to, say, families who feel very strongly about it and who say will never do: they will eventually change their mind or be forced to. Believe me I tried. However, please advise, because if you have a feasible solution, I will do differently in the future, and of course I’ll talk to the rabbi, to my friends, and to whomever I have occasion to talk about the subject.
No words from any of the animal-friendly readers about feasible options? Sometimes I see cats who are obviously abandoned house pets and won’t survive in the streets, I’d be happy to make a phone call.
“I just want everyone in our community to know his name, what he looks like and what he’s done. He still seems to be cloaked in secrecy. XXXXXX swears he’s going to call every Rabbi and educator in Valley Village and warn them, and Rabbi XXXXXX not only gave his blessing but told him to do it as president of the shul. The odds seem to be pretty good that [the molester] will reoffend again some day, I’d like to think I’d done what I could to prevent it and without eating out my insides in the process.”
However he trusted the boy to be alone in some quiet and isolated place with a 6yr old. I am sure the girl’s family had good reasons for that, except we can’t guess them. Please post more information. The proper way to prevent is first of all making sure that our children are never put in a situation like that. Then, but only in second place, we have to warn our children. This can and should be done in a general manner: finger pointing is useless and counterproductive, because it gives false security.
Chayav misa? I suppose he was watched by two shomer shabbos adult male witnesses, fit to testimony, who warned him and he carried on, and that the abuse was a highly specific one and with certain specifications which we don’t detail because we either know it already, or the coffeeroom is not the place to learn such details. If not, then looks like it’s going to be a bit of a problem for those who accuse him of a capital crime.
And after all, we can’t impose penalties outside of Torah can we?
I have a question for TCG, I am ignorant of this subject as I never have had pets nor do I want any. You say you have three cats and you took them from the streets, so I assume you have males and females.
Am I the only one who does not think it is normal that jewish people have the chutzpah to utter words, and to their parents no less, such as “I can’t believe you LET me wear a long pony tail at that age, I look ridiculous!”?
What does your husband say? What does the rabbi say? The decision whether to call the police is not something to be asked from an internet board. For what is worth, I believe he will come home safe, later or tomorrow, and start again taking advantage of you, as long as you allow him, and I am afraid longer than that: now you (and he) have to fight against a habit. It has been weeks or months without him being held accountable for inadequate behaviour.
Dear Aries I may very well be off-base, however, I have not insulted or slandered anyone: I have asked a question. Are the minors staying voluntarily and can they leave at any time, or are they institutionalized? Are they free to behave as they please according to the “unconditional love” attitude which is demanded from WOW, or are there rules in place, and if so, what happens to those who defy them? Are the minors in charge of their parents who retain rights and obligations and who make any and all decisions during their guest stay, or are they charges of the residential community according to NY and federal secular law? I am not saying this or that option is a bad thing, nor am I denying that those services are necessary for some minors: they are, no different than hospitals and surgeries and chemoterapy are necessary and are tremendous mitzvot. However, it seems appropriate that we all should be aware of the sort of services being suggested; and whether these services are suitable to a particular boy is a legitimate question, if you don’t mind. Especially given that I had the impression WOW is not interested in having her young son admitted into such an institution. Which for what is worth, I fully support.
In addition, I find there is something dissonant about the TP supporters demanding from WOW she must be “accepting” of her son and any behaviour of his, and that she must express him unconditional love allowing him to leave the house whenever he pleases without even saying where he goes, to get up whenever he pleases, to wear whatever he pleases, to drink liquor and smoke cigarettes to his liking, and so on – and some have reprimanded WOW for having reacted in the obvious way to the stupid t-shirt – I would find it surprising if this advice is confirmed to come from people who are running a residential community, where I am not quite sure children are remotely allowed a shadow of that. But, of course, may be I am wrong, so please dispel our misconceptions. With facts, not with refusal to answer.
Finally, nobody can guarantee anything. We can’t even guarantee our lifespan. There is no magic solution: there are many educational approaches, some work for some children and other work for other children, and we have to teach each child according to their inclination. It is ironical and saddening that the very approach which supposedly accepts every kid no matter what they do – thus implying and leading us to believe it allows every child to be themselves and find their true path in life – treats them as xerox copies and treats their parents as fools whose insight is consistently dismissed and who are told to follow blindly and without asking questions a certain “easy and simple method”.
Hmmmmmm.
Avi Fishoff, according to Google, runs a “shelter” (the word comes up from Google and is not mine) for 15-21 years old, in Brooklyn.
Do those minors enter the institution voluntarily? If so, and given that the method appears to be difficult to implement correctly (I notice many posters are pointing out mistakes in what WOW does), perhaps the boy should be informed about this option and would be delighted to move there, to enjoy unconditional love and all the other benefits we’ve heard about and made us drool with envy at what our parents did not offer us (were they nasty? naive? fools?! or maybe they were not!), and at the same time allowing WOW and her husband to feel relieved, to know their son is in a safe and loving place, and to be able to enjoy a marriage relationship and a family life with their other children, both of which have somehow suffered.
Or are the kids in “home, sweet home” committed there by their families against their wishes and/or by child protection services? Perhaps “here to help”, “Speaker”, and the other fans of the method, will take a minute to elucidate and to explain us. At this point I am really curious. The “guarantee” that the “method” undoubtedly works “if implemented correctly” is definitely a conversation point.
it takes time get accustomed. Let me reassure you, however, that when done correctly it is guaranteed to have positive results. The faster you get with the program the faster you will see these results.
PS What does it mean to be a “member” of “Twisted”? Is that an association? Is there documentation which is publicly available? We would like to know more.
WOW please don’t hurry to shed tears upon his imaginary tattoo: I understand you cry if he gets one, but so far, it’s just hot air. Is it legal in Israel to tattoo an underage without parental consent? A tattoo shop, which is how some people make a living, is hardly going to risk being fined because of his whims. Also, they avoid unreliable people like the plague, as they are harassed by customers who get something done and afterwards change their mind, want it removed (at the shop’s expense) and try to blame the parlor. I think a piercer or tattooer may figure out pretty quickly a thing or two.
I am curious about what will happen to that T-shirt after it gets dirty. Who will wash and press it?
Shabbat Shalom, don’t let him ruin your happiness, and in my humble opinion, trust your husband, your rabbi, your father and father in law – they are the people who can advice – they know you, they know the situation, they know the boy.
“Better than”
dear WOW I am very sorry about what you write us. I think PCOZ is giving very sound advice, what do your parents and parents-in-law say? Can they come to your home for a few weeks? If not, can you invite someone at your home for a few weeks? Friends visiting Israel? You could even offer them to enjoy your son’s bed, say, for the time slot 22-7. I know you don’t feel like laughing, but try to see the comic side. Depression is unhelpful, try not to add it to a situation which is overwhelming in itself.
And hey, you don’t need your son’s permission to laugh.
As for your previous message — no, you are the strong one and the one who are going through it. We only talk. Yes we have no doubt been through troubles, problems and challenges, each person did, but e.g. I myself never have experienced anything like what you describe.
wow you are very strong, you are much stronger than you think, as proven by the fact you are handling the situation alright, after three months of emotional roller coaster. Be hatzlacha and be aware that most of us, in your shoes, would have been a pathetic failure. I know you feel you aren’t dealing well with the situation and possibly you feel like a failure, but this is simply untrue, and don’t allow anyone to insinuate that (including yourself). For incomprehensible reasons your son is going through a difficult time, which we all hope it gets finished after a while and without leaving permanent scars. But whatever the reason, that has nothing to do with you and your husband, as proven by his siblings, who no doubt also encountered “imperfect” role models (did we not all meet such people?) and yet did not react in the same way. Sometimes life events are impossible to understand, so, stop beating yourself up, that does no good to your son, to the rest of your family, nor to you.
Thank G-d he is healthy and happy. But please step back. You do not have the right to tell another adult how to lead their life. You can change the lock if you don’t want him to come back, or ignore him, or welcome him, as you see fit (let me stress YOU). And so on for the internet, the liquor and everything – you are the parent and you decide. But you can’t try to manipulate him by using your feelings, because as you can see, he is doing the same to you. I realize you are worried for real when he leaves and does not tell you where is going, when he’ll be back, and cellphone is either off or you don’t dare calling. But you can’t afford worries. People who G-d forbid have bad diseases or have a child with such problems, don’t have time to worry, 24hrs a day are not enough to finish all they have to do. People did not worry during the war, they used that energy to do everything in their power to survive. You have to do the same and be strong. And, I realize that, like anyone else in your position, you are less than delighted about his lifestyle, but please don’t use light-heartedly expressions such as “he ripped my heart”, G-d forbid there are parents who have children who get in trouble with the most serious criminal laws, or in the “best” case, admit having chosen a lifestyle such as advertised by the Jerusalem parade.
I am not denying the possibility that some RY or teacher did something wrong to him (like you, me and everyone else, they are not perfect, and, your son is not perfect either) but even if it were so (I think something happened, but it is much less of a big deal than you think), yet you should not IMHO justify your son using it as an excuse. With this outlook, someone, even if surrounded by perfect tzaddikim, can say the same, can even blame G-d for “picking” mitzvot and neglecting some. You never heard about someone dying while doing the mitzvot that bring long life? I know personally such stories, besides them being recorded in the Talmud. But this is not how we are taught, is it. There are things we don’t understand, and when we don’t, we leave it at that. The more you feed into his delusions and the more he’ll be unhappy. He is happy with his “friends”, yet they don’t treat him with velvet gloves, they give him harsh “mussar” (within their outlook), they hold him responsible. Perhaps there is something to learn from that.
Shabbat Shalom to you and all your family
Apologies, I was away from the computer.
I wish to clarify I was not suggesting a correctional facility, which I personally think it’s not a place to send our loved ones to (but which, unfortunately, law enforcement does send people to, and not always for valid reasons). I was suggesting a normal environment, like real life. My clothing does not magically iron itself, the dishwasher / house helper / computer etc. are very nice but come with bills attached, and if I were to disrespect someone, I would have to deal with the obvious consequences. The boy’s attitude is a problem regardless if he’s in yeshiva, in college, in business, or anywhere else. He needs someone, forgive me for saying it, to finally let him know that he is not the center of the universe, nor is he the top of the universe that no one may dare to express displeasure to. But I suppose it’s moot now. We should all wish the best to him now that he left home, and he is an underage whose cash will soon run out. My thoughts are especially with you wow who must be heartbroken beyond belief. I hope something good comes out of this tremendous difficulty you are going through. Please, see a good lawyer and tell him the story and ask for advice. Right now the priority is no longer mussar, it is protecting both him and your family – as you know very well, in israel certain services and agencies only wait for pretexts, and as soon as he gets recorded by any system – document check for security reasons, say – as an underage who left home, your family may be targeted as problematic. I hope nothing happens, that he just stays away for a few days and then returns home a different and better person. It will give him security to be on his own, and his “friends” can probably say to him what he would never accept being told by you and they might do so – let us try to see the good in everything. Be strong please, for yourself and everyone.
aries, people end up in prison or in psych wards for much less. You should ask around, I am sadly sure there are heartbreaking stories in your community as well.
Here to help, your advice is against what we have been doing for thousands of years, of course we may all be wrong and you may be right, but allow me to be wary of your advice. And from a practical viewpoint, while I realize none of us would like a 16 year old daughter who has “boys”, this is completely legal according to secular law, if all she does is going inside someone’s bedroom and close the door behind them.
I also have the feeling the family is about to snap: they are perceiving the boy to be dangerous or close to it, to the point they are afraid of being physically attacked. I have no idea if this is factual or if it is just their fear, but this is what the parents believe. What is going to happen when the family becomes even more afraid, say, they start to worry he may hurt his siblings? The stakes are very high. We have to protect the boy and his family from reaching that point.
As I already wrote three months ago, I believe this family needs a break. OK according to their son they did everything wrong, fair enough, but if so, the boy needs to be sent (ie the parents decide without consulting him and he complies) elsewhere. He needs to be in charge of someone whom he can’t blame for his supposed misfortunes, someone strong enough to discipline him (which means having his respect), someone who does not fuel his distorted sense of entitlement, someone who does not hand out cash easily. He wants liquor? he wants android phone and airtime minutes? he wants american clothing? he wants cigarettes? He wants to go to a fashion disco bar? Let him purchase all that with the sweat of his brow, especially given that he will be forced to do unqualified work (he preferred to sleep rather than study secular subjects, after all). And, he wants pressed shirts? Awesome, the iron is in the cabinet and the electric plug is available. Chances are that at the end of the day, he’ll fall asleep before being able to pour himself a drink.
It is of course only my humble opinion, I am no rabbi, I am no therapist, but I came across many more heartbeaking stories than I’d have liked to.
wow I am sorry to have to say, but if he throws a fit like that in public, and as you see he has no shame, he is going to a psych ward and/or to prison, where he will be savagely handled by his fellow inmates, as people like him are “disliked” to use an understatement.
I believe that as parents, you should take control of the situation.
You allow him to put on tefillin?
Don’t get involved in something like that, as no doubt you don’t know all the facts. I would tell the sibling with questions that she has to ask her parents and her rabbi.
You have to ask your posek, not ours. In regards to avoiding bidding wars and overinflated prices, especially when you can’t submit at the last minute, Gixen might be your friend.
It will get as far as you allow it to get.
The ipod file system is off-limits to the user, so, as you say, it is necessary to “break into it” if one actually wants root access (for example to set up an internet filter for iPhone / iPod, or for many other reasons). However the part of the filesystem which holds music files, podcasts and the like, is accessible. In other terms no jailbreak is needed. Also there is no DRM on iTunes downloads and iOS devices since a few years. Things can be moved freely back and forth.
If you wish to do directly without third-party software, this is definitely possible, however one needs to modify the “hidden files” option and do a few things in windows, it’s no big deal but it’s much easier to have a todo list while going through it. If you search, you will find the detailed instructions. I don’t post because links get deleted.
Both the third-party software and the operating system folders method will show the user whatever’s available. On a jailbroken iDevice it is all of the filesystem, which becomes completely accessible. On a non jailbroken iDevice it will be only those parts of the filesystem that iOS makes it available to the user to access directly.
You should be able to select all music in your new folder and then drag it into iTunes.
They do act like hard drives but we have to check the “hidden files” option in windows. Then we copy the files to the computer and when it’s finished, we make sure to again hide files and then we can again use iTunes normally.
Sorry but moderators did’t allow my reply with links.
Have you tried using a file browser such as iPhoneBrowser or iExplorer. They won’t normally see apps (unless you have root access) but they should see music and video files. You can then copy to your HD and later import into iTunes.
WOW your son disrespects you in public and you are worried about his clothing?
ar58x872p is what my 15″ macbookpro has. Probably a little older than your guest’s.
Now you got me curious, why do you need the FCC? Thanks for the info.
Stealing? whether that includes stealing? Am I reading correctly or there is a typo? And disrespecting old people?
I can understand that someone goes to a bar or a night club or watches “movies”: humans have free choice. However I expect such a person to present himself as a frei yid and to behave overall as a decent human being. Is this too much to ask?
I understand, but the main problem and the immediate danger is not the piercing or the movies and the like. Tell me, how is he planning to pay for his new lifestyle? Which is much less frugal than yours, not to mention that he’ll need some place to live. I am really concerned he will sooner or later do something stupid, and in the secular world there is very little leeway. He does not have many people to rely upon, much less people to whom he feels he can talk freely about everything and that will support him. A small mistake that under ordinary circumstances would be nothing, people learn a lesson and go on with their life, can be the beginning of a nightmare R’L. I do not know if you should be blunt (eg what to answer when he asks if you’d kick him out) as I don’t know your son (not that I am aware of) – but I do think you should worry about serious issues, such as being arrested and possibly going to prison R’L, such as getting serious diseases (eg from “cheap” piercing or tattoo studios, Hep B is everywhere in Israel especially recently with all the immigration) R’L and believe me there are many other health issues which require a good doctor (I have the impression he does not have one he trusts with confidentiality, and anyway would be too embarrassed), and have you considered the risk of feeling overwhelmed by shame (at whatever trouble he runs into and is about to become known in public), and R’L very bad things can happen in this case too.
I also believe you should also worry seriously about your other children, I believe you are underestimating how much they are suffering and what is at stake. I realize you are very worried about your son’s observance, but you have to try to keep your head cool, especially if you keep into account that other community members may feel some steps are necessary in order to protect themselves and their own children.
I am heartbroken.
I maintain what I said already, the boy is not rebellious. If he were rebellious he would shave, buy new clothings, and find himself a job and a girlfriend. We may dislike it, but (assuming halacha were to be violated) this is between him, himself and Hashem. This is not the case. The boy has expensive hobbies and no way to support them, and is not seeking for one.
WOW I will not argue with you about observance, but there is something that does not add up in your description of the story. You are presenting yourself as a long-time observant family that has been living in a chareidi neighbourhood and belongs to a tight-knit community. However you don’t have anyone to rely upon, but, most important, what I deduce from your words (which may very well be wrong, but possibly is the same things that other people deduce) is that your son is out of control, and that you will not agree to any suggestion which the RY and the community is likely to make, and which are likely, or should I say, certain, to be much tougher than order the child to stay at a relative for a few weeks and behave. As a result I am very afraid that ignoring the problem does not make it go away, all the contrary. What do you think might happen? Do you expect your good standing in the community – and your other children’s – might be affected? And what would you do if you were in their shoes?
I will only say one last thing. There are choices which we disagree with, such as smoking, which is unhealthy and causes terrible diseases. But I have many smokers among my friends. One thing is to smoke, another thing is to be unpleasant and light a cigarette in front of people who don’t like breathing poison, yet another is to smoke under the sign “no smoking” in the hospital, and yet another wholly new level is attempting to blame our own decision to smoke upon others and the stress they supposedly caused us, and attempting to manipulate them and belittling them in the eyes of third parties.
PS I find it outright scary that you are so upset about him becoming frei (in fact, even jeans are a big deal) and then you say “If my son were throwing out a jacket I bought him, I wouldn’t complain.” What sort of human being does that? To a parent no less, but even if it were to a friend? Is that the sort of middot he has? There is no Torah without middos, last time I checked. I understand his schoolmates and teachers told him something wrong or were unfair (I suppose your son is perfection and he never hurt any of them in the slightest? Or you think this is irrealistic?), but you failed to tell him there is no justification and there will be no sympathy for his current attitude, where he is “the victim” from whom everyone must beg forgiveness. First of all, there was no abuse of any sort. Second, he should have told his parents if anything bothered him a lot (so that they may get involved as best they see fit) and he should have put things into perspective (one does not broke friendships upon silly little things, a normal person cares for others and wants to see them happy, even if this requires giving in a little bit over irrelevant issues). Then, you yourself admit it’s not the school and he would be saying the same, or worse, had you enrolled him in a “B” school. And I have never seen you comment about the heartache your son is likely to have caused to his teachers, rabbis, RH, much less I heard a word of yours, asking advice about how to fix that.
Chag Sameach to all of you.
I agree with you, except your suggestion leaves us with two details to be worked out
– I am sure everyone understands one can’t do it in a homogeneous community without expecting people to protect their identity and fight back
– are you so sure the boy would automatically (magically?) become a happy and fulfilled adult if only he got “permission” (who has to give him permission?) to “enjoy” his lack of observance and/or belief? Countless people abandon the religious lifestyle, where is the need to hurt, disrespect, manipulate others?
What is your suggestion OhTeeDee?
It is my opinion this situation is well past the point you can handle it alone. Also the community may be starting to feel that they need to protect themselves and their children.
Do you have parents or siblings or close friends where you could send the boy for a few weeks? What about your husband? Forgive me the question. I am afraid of a disaster building up and it breaks my heart.
WOW Suppose you had sent him to a “weaker” school instead. Do you expect he would now be thanking you? Or rather that he’d be much more resentful?
Your son has no right to disrespect you and his father, in addition to the obvious fact you did nothing wrong and tried your best to make him happy and build him a happy future.
What do you mean “you hope” he will agree to something next year? This is a point that should not even be questioned. This is not about clothing, this is not even about being observant and/or a believer. How can it be up to negotiations if he “would like” to be a productive adult? And even more important, why is he telling this to you? It is intrinsic to people to have a purpose in life, even drug addicts claim e.g. the drugs help with their “creativity” or whatever. What does he wish to achieve in life, where does he see himself 10, 20, 50 years from now? This in my opinion is the key, then all of you can start building around it. Yes of course people change, but we have to address his troubles right now.