Some moments in life last for more than a moment. There are moments that can be pivotal in giving someone a sense of purpose, belonging or safety. Times that last in their memories and make an impact far deeper than the day to day of life. A person may remember the time when someone showed up for them when they were in a truly vulnerable state and it made all the difference. And devastatingly, the moment that they learned that the world wasn’t safe and that people can’t be trusted.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an attachment injury occurs when someone is going through intense hardship and desperately needs their primary attachment figure to be there for them- and they’re not. There was an expectation that you would be there for me when I needed you most and when you weren’t there, I felt deeply betrayed, abandoned and can no longer trust. Attachment injuries go far beyond the day to day imperfections and mess ups that happen in all relationships. They are so intense because they strike at a person’s core need for safety, connection and trust. These wounds can happen within parent child relationships or between husband and wife. Sometimes it seems that couples are able to move on easily, but that is often like building on a rotting foundation. These injuries will often fester beneath the surface and can impact the relationship later on in all sorts of negative ways.

Someone whose trust has been betrayed may quietly build up resentment, or be passive aggressive towards their spouse. They may “test” the relationship in order to try to learn to trust again or be too clingy or distant thereby bringing about the very rejection that is feared. They may not be able to trust and always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. They may be always on edge and find it hard to open up to or rely on their spouse again. They may overreact to minor infractions by exploding or shutting down in disengagement. The good news is though, that attachment injuries are repairable.

The first step of repairing these wounds is to recognize that there was an injury to begin with. Something that may have seemed not as major to you, was life altering for your spouse or child. They need to be able to share their pain with you without you becoming defensive or shutting down- not an easy feat. We need to acknowledge the pain and take responsibility without minimizing or explaining it away. After recognition and validation, the couple can begin the process of rebuilding emotional safety. This happens when the injuring person is able to show up for their spouse in meaningful and attuned ways and be a reliable and open spouse.

If you feel that there was a moment that significantly damaged your trust in your relationship, don’t sweep it under the rug. Approach your spouse with vulnerability and explain that you’re bringing this up in order to repair and rebuild trust- not to play a blame game. If you think that you may have done something that significantly hurt your relationship, don’t ignore it thinking it will pass on its own. Approach your spouse with care and compassion to listen to their pain and acknowledge their feelings. Below is an example of a conversation between a husband and wife, attempting to repair an attachment injury.

Sora: I’ve been holding this in, but I need to talk about what happened after the miscarriage. That night… when I told you, and you didn’t come home. You stayed at work until late at night. That really broke something in me.

Moshe: I know. I’ve sensed that for a while. I think I didn’t fully let myself feel the weight of what I did… or how much it hurt you. Can you tell me more?

Sora: I just… I needed you. I was scared and in pain and feeling like I was disappearing. And when you didn’t come home, it felt like you disappeared too. Like I didn’t matter. Like the whole thing didn’t matter.

Moshe: Hearing that makes my chest ache. You were going through one of the worst experiences of your life, and I wasn’t there. I left you completely alone. I’m so sorry, Sora.

Sora: I get that it was hard for you too. I know you were probably scared. But at that moment, I didn’t need perfect—I just needed you.

Moshe: You’re right. I panicked. I didn’t know how to handle my own grief, so I ran—literally. I stayed away because I felt like I was breaking too. But that wasn’t fair to you. You were the one who needed someone to lean on, and I left you to carry it alone.

Sora: I started to question everything after that night. If I could count on you. If I was really loved. It felt like something in us cracked.

Moshe: I hear that. And I hate that my absence made you feel that way—unloved, unsafe, uncertain. That’s not what I want for us. You do matter to me. That night… I failed you, and I want to make it right. I can’t undo it, but I want to be someone you can count on, especially in the darkest moments.

Sora: What helps now is hearing you own it. Not brushing it off or trying to explain it away. Just… being here with me in it.

Moshe: I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. If that pain comes up again, I want you to tell me. Even if it’s raw or messy—I want to hold it with you. Not disappear.

Sora: Thank you. I need to rebuild that sense of safety with you. It’s not about forgetting—it’s about knowing you see me now.

Moshe: I do. I see you. And I love you. Let’s keep rebuilding, brick by brick, together.

This repair works well because Sora approaches with vulnerability. There is not only anger but also sadness, fear, loneliness and longing. Moshe, in turn, is able to listen and validate without getting defensive. He takes responsibility without rationalizing. They both stay emotionally present, making space for connection. In this way the focus is not on blame or logic. It’s on emotional truth and relational repair. Similar to a teshuva process, the relationship can become even stronger after the repair than it was before the rupture.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]

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