Helping kids with their anxiety is not something they teach you in birthing classes, but it’s rare to meet a parent who doesn’t have to utilize these skills. In fact, close to ten percent of children struggle with anxiety. Child anxiety can be deeply emotionally triggering to parents as well as make life practically and logistically difficult.

The summer flow is different from the school year routine and for some kids this can be a highly welcome change. For others- not so much. Anxiety about going to camp, being in a new environment with potentially less structure – even fears about swimming can sometimes create a flare up in a child’s anxiety. Let’s discuss a three step approach to helping your child with their anxiety, focusing on the first two steps now and step three next time.

When your child is anxious and you’re in the thick of it—tears, meltdowns, clinging—the very first step is not what to say or do with your child. It’s to pause and check in with yourself. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Panicked? Irritated? Our ability to respond effectively is directly tied to how well we can regulate our own nervous systems.

Here’s why this matters- When we’re dysregulated, our “thinking brain” goes offline and any parenting strategies we try in that state likely won’t land well. Our children also learn emotional regulation by watching us model it. As human beings, our nervous systems pick up on each other. If we’re tense, our kids feel it and respond accordingly—often escalating their own anxiety.

So how do we ground ourselves in the heat of the moment?

1. Slow deep breaths. It’s a real shame that some of the most powerful and effective tools in life are so deceptively simple that we automatically dismiss them (hey maybe those birthing classes were helpful!). Taking slow deep breaths can calm your body faster and more easily which then allows our brains to come online enough to implement other tools.
2. If possible and necessary, take a break. Sometimes we need a few minute break to the bathroom or outside for fresh air to calm ourselves down and this can be a powerful tool to model for our children
3. Focus on what is necessary at this moment. A “crisis moment”, however big or small, requires us to be mindful and focus our attention on what the moment demands.

These are all tools to help you regulate yourself enough so that your prefrontal cortex is working again. Once that happens, other cognitive and behavioral tools become possible. Let’s use an example that we can explore together.

Example:
Your six-year-old daughter cries and clings to you as you try to leave for an appointment. Logically, you know she’ll be fine with your spouse, but your body is in stress mode. Pause. Breathe. Maybe take 60 seconds in the bathroom. Remind yourself that this moment doesn’t require you to solve her anxiety long-term. It just asks you to leave, calmly and lovingly.

Once things have settled, it’s natural to think the next step is finding the right strategy to help your child. But before jumping into that, let’s discuss step two. It’s essential to explore what your child’s anxiety brings up for you.

Does it make you feel like you’re doing something wrong as a parent? Does it stir up worry, guilt, or even shame? Do you fear that your child isn’t developing “normally”? These are very human reactions—and they matter.

These internal reactions, whether conscious or not, can deeply influence how we respond to our children. Until we understand what’s going on beneath the surface, we may be guided by unhelpful beliefs or emotional patterns.

Let’s revisit the earlier example of your daughter’s separation anxiety. Perhaps, when she cries, you notice a wave of shame or self-doubt arise. You might think:

• “I must not have given her enough emotional security.” 
• “Why don’t I know how to handle this?” 
• “This is my fault.”

Becoming aware of these thoughts gives you the space to gently challenge them. Are you catastrophizing? Generalizing? Maybe this moment is touching an old part of you that still carries feelings of inadequacy or shame. If so, try offering that part of yourself some compassion rather than criticism.

You might also recognize that shame has kept you from opening up to friends or seeking support. Noticing these patterns can give you the freedom to choose a new way forward.

And if doing this reflection feels too overwhelming to do alone, that’s okay. Emotional patterns often run deep. If they’re interfering with how you parent or how you feel about yourself, reaching out for professional support can make a big difference.

Now that you have processed what is coming up for you, In the next installment, we will talk about interventions you can do directly with your child to help them with their anxiety.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at www.chaicounseling.org or [email protected]