What Really Happens When a Girl Turns Twelve? 

(Hint: It’s Not Just Another Birthday)

 

The MUST-have sefer on The Bas Mitzvah in Halachah, newly released by Rabbi Chaim Shmuel Weber published by Israel Bookshop Publications

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This excerpt is taken from The Bas Mitzvah in Halachah, the fourth volume in Rabbi Chaim Shmuel Weber’s acclaimed series illuminating the milestones of Jewish life. 

 

Following The Upsherin, The Bar Mitzvah, and The Foundation of the Home, this work continues the series’ hallmark approach: presenting the halachos, minhagim, and hashkafos of each simchah in an easy to understand manner, with clarity, depth, and carefully sourced precision. 

 

Readers of the series consistently share how its simplistic and practical style transformed their simchos—allowing them to understand not only what they were doing, but why they are doing it, and to truly connect with the deeper meaning behind each moment. Because every milestone happens only once in a child’s life and is filled with immeasurable opportunities, these books have become an essential resource for parents and families. Having already benefited thousands, with The Bar Mitzvah becoming a modern classic in several yeshivos, this volume aims to do the same for the Bas Mitzvah: elevating the experience into one that is fully  understood, utilized, lived, and cherished.

GIRL’S TORAH IN THE WOMB

We know that a boy is taught the entire Torah while in his mother’s womb. One of the reasons for this is because he is obligated to learn Torah after he is born, which is only possible if he already learned it once before. Additionally, before a child is born, a malach makes him swear that he will keep the entire Torah. Thus, he needs to be taught the entire Torah to know what that shevuah entails. A girl, however, is not obligated in the mitzvah of limud Torah, and her shevuah would not include as much as that of a boy. If so, one may wonder whether or not a girl is taught the entire Torah while in her mother’s womb.

Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman zt”l writes (Ayeles Hashachar, Bereishis 25:22) that a girl is taught the Torah, but she is only taught the halachos that are relevant to her. Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l says this as well (L’ Vinyomin Amar, page 98).

Additionally, the Maharal explains that a child knows the Torah in its mother’s womb because its neshamah is not inside its body at that point, but above it. Being that it is not bound by physicality, it is a natural cause and effect that it knows the entire Torah, which is completely spiritual. Accordingly, there is no difference between a boy and a girl, and they both know the entire Torah until the point that their neshamah enters their body and they are born. (However, one can differentiate between knowing the whole Torah and actually learning it.)

As for whether a girl makes the shevuah, the Yaavetz addresses this question, and writes that a girl must swear to keep the mitzvos which are relevant to her. He then writes a second explanation, that every neshamah is created in two parts—that of the man and that of the woman. Together, they complete one neshamah. The neshamah of the man is the primary part, being that it goes out to learn and fulfill the Torah, and the woman’s neshamah is included in it. (See Chapter Two where this is explained in greater detail.) Thus, when the malach teaches the boy Torah and makes him swear to uphold it, the neshamah of the girl is automatically included in that shevuah as well. Therefore, a girl does not actually make a shevuah of her own.

The Neshamah

When Hashem created the world, He placed a nefesh into every animal. The nefesh comes from the ground, just like the body, and this is what gives life to any living creature. However, when Hashem created Adam, in addition to this nefesh, He blew a neshamah into him. The neshamah comes from the Kisei Hakavod, and it enabled Adam to grow higher and higher, and get closer to Hashem. When Adam sinned, he lost this neshamah, and remained with only the nefesh that every living being has. Hashem told Adam, “I gave you a pure, holy neshamah, which came from My Throne, and you returned to the nefesh which was created from the ground for the animals. From now on, if someone learns and fulfills My Torah, I will give him this special neshamah which comes from My Throne and gives him life. And whoever does not learn My Torah will remain with only that nefesh which they thereby choose for themselves, and they will perish with it.” (When a person dies, the nefesh returns to the earth, just like the body. The neshamah goes on to live in Gan Eden.)

Rabbi Elazar says, “For the first thirteen years of a person’s life, he lives with the nefesh that every living being has—he does not yet have this special neshamah. However, when he turns thirteen, if he wants to be righteous, he is given this holy neshamah which comes from the Kisei Hakavod.” (According to some, this neshamah is the yetzer hatov; it helps a person connect to Hashem.)

The mefarshim write that this is true for a girl who turns twelve as well. When a child becomes an adult, she finally becomes obligated in Torah and mitzvos. Being a metzuveh v’oseh, she can now truly fulfill the Torah, and if she wishes to do so, she will receive this neshamah.

This statement of Chazal teaches us that a person will merit this neshamah—which will help her grow in her avodah—if she wants to be righteous. It does not come automatically, and as the Vilna Gaon writes, not everyone is zocheh to this neshamah. But how does one show that she wants to be righteous? How can a bas mitzvah girl show that she wants to keep the Torah and receive this neshamah?

Based on the above, however, the answer is simple. If she is b’simchah over the fact that she’s now a metzuveh v’oseh; if she’s happy that she’s now zocheh to be obligated in the mitzvos, then that shows the truest and most sincere form of appreciation and desire for them! No one commanded her to be happy to accept the mitzvos. Yet, on her own, she shows that she recognizes the gifts that they are, and she is b’simchah to be able to fulfill them and be part of them! This joy will bring her the neshamah she needs to succeed in growing closer to Hashem. The simchah is not merely over the fact that she is now a metzuveh v’oseh; it also helps her succeed in her new role as a metzuveh v’oseh!

We see from here how important it is for a girl to be b’simchah upon becoming a gedolah. She should be made to recognize the beauty of Torah and mitzvos, and just how lucky she is to be obligated in them. This joy itself will bring her the means she needs to succeed in her avodah and grow closer to Hashem. This simchah shel mitzvah is the essence of becoming a gedolah, and as the Chasam Sofer writes, is the very first mitzvah a child can do.

Many times, this aspect of the day gets lost on the bas mitzvah girl. It often turns into a glorified birthday, and the focus shifts to the party and presents. The result of this is that not only does it not bring her closer to the Torah, but it may actually have the opposite effect. It certainly prevents her from understanding what the true simchah is about.

Rather, the focus of the day should be as written above, and as will be elaborated upon in the next chapter. We should impress upon her just how fortunate she is to be obligated in Torah and mitzvos, and that she now has a way to earn herself eternal life in Olam Haba and grow closer to Hashem. In this way, she will be happy to be a metzuveh v’oseh, she will merit this neshamah kadisha, she will be strengthened to stay firm in her avodah, and she will merit eternal life.

MAKING A SEUDAH

We have established that both the day a boy becomes a gadol and the day a girl becomes a gedolah are days of simchah, being that in both cases the child becomes a metzuveh v’oseh. However, the simchah is expressed differently in each case. When it comes to a boy, this simchah is expressed through making a seudas mitzvah. When it comes to a girl, we do not express this simchah through a seudah.

Why is this so? After all, everything we have previously discussed is true for a girl as well as a boy. When she turns twelve, she becomes an adult, and she receives her yetzer hatov, her neshamah kadisha. She becomes obligated in mitzvos and aveiros. If so, shouldn’t we make the same seudah as we do by a boy?

There are several reasons why, despite the occasion being one of simchah, it is not proper to express this simchah by making a seudah:

1. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt”l explains that kol kevudah bas melech penimah—tznius is the most important trait for a woman, and, as explained in Chapter Three, it is the tool for her to perpetuate growth in Torah and weaken her yetzer hara. To make a big public gathering (which includes men) in her honor contradicts this.

2. Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l and Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman zt”l explain that although the simchah may be the same, a seudah is only made upon something which is ניכר (noticeable). When a boy becomes a gadol, it is noticeable, because he now counts for a minyan, he puts on tefillin, etc. However, when a girl becomes a gedolah, there is no noticeable difference between before and after. Therefore, although it is a simchah, a seudah is not made.

3. Rav Moshe Sternbuch shlit”a writes that a seudah was never established for a girl because she is not obligated in mitzvos to the same extent as a boy. Additionally, for a seudah to be considered a seudas mitzvah, ten men would need to be present, and that is not proper for a bas mitzvah seudah.

However, just because we don’t make a seudah doesn’t mean that the day is not worthy of any recognition whatsoever. For as we have seen, the day a girl becomes a gedolah is indeed a day of simchah and importance. In fact, the Ben Ish Chai writes that “although we do not make a seudah, the day a girl becomes obligated in mitzvos is a day of simchah. She should be b’simchah on this day, and she should wear Shabbos clothes in honor of the day. If she has new clothes, she should put them on and make a Shehecheyanu upon them, having in mind to include her becoming obligated in mitzvos.” The Kaf Hachaim adds that if she is able, she should learn some Torah on that day. Many people have the minhag for a girl to perform hafrashas challah with a brachah on the day she becomes a gedolah, to be mechanech her how to perform this mitzvah.

Rav Moshe Sternbuch shlit”a elaborates on this and writes that “while our mesorah is not to celebrate a bas mitzvah—and one who follows this acts correctly—nevertheless, for those who want to do something, it is proper to do as written above. When a girl becomes a gedolah, her parents should ensure that she appreciates the beauty and importance of becoming obligated in Torah and mitzvos, and she should be b’simchah over this. She should be made to understand that her mitzvos now have more value than they did before. Nowadays, when girls attend school and understand the inyan of bas mitzvah more than in earlier days, for those who want to do something for the occasion, it is proper to do as the Ben Ish Chai writes.”

As discussed in Chapter Two, a woman’s attitude and excitement toward mitzvos affect her entire home, as she is its foundation and what she does emanates throughout. Her tefillos, too, have a unique strength. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that a girl has great love and excitement for mitzvos and davening, as this will cause her future husband, children, and household to be filled with love for Torah and mitzvos as well. While the time to instill this happiness within her begins from the moment she is born, the day of her bas mitzvah is a unique opportunity to do so.

In fact, despite not making a celebration for the bas mitzvah, many gedolim, such as Rav Moshe Soloveitchik zt”l and Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l, would give their daughters and granddaughters a siddur or Tehillim on the day of their bas mitzvah, in order to show recognition of the occasion and impress upon them that they are now obligated in mitzvos.

Additionally, while the mitzvah of limud Torah protects a boy from the yetzer hara (and this is one of the reasons why a boy recites a pshetel on the day of his bar mitzvah), the mitzvah of tznius (which encompasses middos tovos as well) is what protects a girl from the yetzer hara. Tznius for a woman is the equivalent of limud Torah for a man; the yetzer hara fighting against these mitzvos is the same, and fulfilling these mitzvos accords the same protection against him. Therefore, a girl’s parents must ensure that she understands the importance of tznius, that she knows to be careful with her words, such as not to speak lashon hara and rechilus, and that she is aware that from this point on she is responsible for transgressions in these areas. The day of her bas mitzvah is an opportune time to impress this upon her.

In summary, though the day a girl becomes a bas mitzvah is indeed a happy occasion, making a big public affair in shul with men and women is assur (and a contradiction to the essence of the day), and our mesorah is not to do that. However, some poskim say that one may make a small gathering in the house for immediate family members or the girl’s friends. But to do more than this—such as is done by a bar mitzvah—is not the correct thing to do and will cause more loss than gain.

Ultimately, whether or not one makes a gathering for family in recognition of the bas mitzvah, it is important that the bas mitzvah girl be made to understand all of the above. Rather than the day of the bas mitzvah being a glorified party—or a day lacking any recognition whatsoever—it should be a day of simchah, in which she comes to understand and be happy and proud of becoming obligated in mitzvos.

VARIOUS MINHAGIM AND INYANIM

There are various minhagim and inyanim whose purpose is to help a girl grow in ruchniyus and be zocheh to receive a special neshamah. We have previously discussed the inyanim of tznius and middos tovos, being b’simchah over becoming a metzuveh v’oseh, doing teshuvah, and making a kabbalah. The following is a list of several other minhagim and inyanim mentioned in sefarim. Though several of them are sourced in relation to a boy becoming a gadol, the ideas hold true for the day a girl becomes a gedolah as well.

Hafrashas Challah

• Some people have the minhag for a girl to perform hafrashas challah with a brachah on the day she turns twelve, to be mechanech her in this mitzvah which has specific relevance to women.

Learning Torah

• The Kaf Hachaim writes that it is good for a bar mitzvah boy to learn some mishnayos on the day of his bar mitzvah. This is because, as the Arizal writes, mishnayos help one attain and bring neshamos to This World. (“ משנה” and “ נשמה ” contain the same letters, as a sign that learning mishnayos brings great benefits to the neshamah.) Therefore, on the day one becomes bar mitzvah and gets his neshamah, it is of great benefit to him to learn mishnayos. As previously mentioned, the Kaf Hachaim writes that it is good for a girl to learn Torah on the day she turns twelve, if she is able to. Accordingly, it would be good for her to learn some mishnayos from Pirkei Avos on this day.

Davening

• Some have the minhag for a boy to recite the second perek of Tehillim on the day he becomes a gadol, because of the pasuk there which says, —ה’ אמר אלי בני אתה, אני היום ילדתיך Hashem said to me, “You are My son, I have begotten you this day.” The Zohar states that this pasuk refers to the day of the bar mitzvah, upon which a boy truly becomes “born” to Hashem, as he then receives his neshamah kadisha. The same would be true when a girl becomes a gedolah as well, being that she receives her neshamah on that day, as explained in Chapter Seven.

Presents

• Some have the minhag to give a present to a girl on the day she becomes a gedolah. As mentioned earlier, this serves as a tangible reminder to her that she is now a gedolah and obligated in mitzvos. Additionally, giving her a present helps her come to love and realize the importance of Torah and mitzvos by seeing that everyone is celebrating her becoming a metzuveh v’oseh. However, it is important to keep in mind that the present-giving has the potential to negatively impact the focus of the day. It should be done in a way that will enhance her joy of becoming obligated in mitzvos. This can be accomplished by not giving her too many presents, and by explaining to her that she is getting the presents because of her becoming a metzuveh v’oseh.

Rav Binyomin Kamenetsky zt”l related that when he turned bar mitzvah, his father, Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky zt”l, called him into his room and handed him a wrapped present. Rav Yaakov told him, “I want to give you the most precious gift for your bar mitzvah, but you must promise me that you will take great care of it.” He opened the wrapping to find a watch. Rav Yaakov then told him, “Rav Yisrael Salanter zt”l would always say that ‘time is life; if you lose your time, you are losing part of your life.’ Make sure to always use your time properly.” Rav Binyomin said that this message left a lifelong impact on him.

Excerpted from The Bas Mitzvah in Halachah

 

Other Seforim by Rabbi Chaim Shmuel Weber:

The Upsherin explains, in a clear, thorough, and easy-to-read manner, what there is to know

about the day a boy turns three, including the halachos, minhagim, reasons, and sources for a

parent’s obligation of chinuch to their child; for giving an upsherin; for yarmulka and tzitzis; for

beginning to teach a child Torah; and for bringing him to the aleph beis rebbi. It includes special

tefillos for these occasions.

 

The Bar Mitzvah explains, what there is to know about a child’s bar mitzvah, including how we know a boy is obligated in mitzvos only from the age of thirteen; the meaning of his first receiving a yetzer hatov and neshamah upon becoming a bar mitzvah; and the reasons, halachos, and minhagim connected to the p’shetel, leining and receiving an aliyah, the seudah, and Baruch Shepatrani. 

It also explains what the first mitzvah is and its importance, many minhagim to observe, and halachos that arise when a bar mitzvah falls out at different times throughout the year. The book includes a special tefillah for the bar mitzvah boy, as well as a special chapter summarizing everything in a way he can understand.

 

The Foundation of the Home clearly and thoroughly explains a woman’s role in building her

home, upholding her husband’s Torah, her role in limud Torah, and in bringing the Shechinah

into Klal Yisroel, as well as the power of the middah of tznius. It includes a special section of

tefillos for the various milestones throughout a woman’s life, from finding her zivug to standing

under her own child’s chuppah.