Forum Replies Created
I suffered from anxiety for about 2 years at which time I saw a therapist and took medicine for around 6 months (which I was hesitant to take, but my Rabbi recommended I take).
Number one, the most important thing to do is daven. Reading the words with an Artscroll Interlinear Siddur helps instill an understanding of, and feeling for the words which you say every day. The words of davening and Tehillim can help you feel closer to Hashem, and slowly build you up.
Number two, try to involve yourself in organizations which do chessed for others, or even look for ways to do chessed on your own for others. There are many people out there (older people, disabled people, etc) who need help. When you help others and exert yourself for them, it can develop your self worth.
Number three, when you aren’t davening or helping others and you need time to relax, use your time wisely by reading educational matters (such as history, sciences). This will make you wiser to understand more about how the world works.
Another thing you can try to do is travel to another city or Israel, to grow there. A change of scenery also can help get out of a stagnant situation.
Your husband has a yetzer hara like every other normal man and he will be tempted like any other man is to watch inappropriate things. The important thing for you to know is whether he at least acknowledges that this is something he should work on, but not that he should be perfect all the time.
Therefore, you should put your foot down to express your concerns, but at the same time you should offer your support to your husband in his fight against his temptations.
If the movies are clearly inappropriate then you should communicate your dissatisfaction. If the movies are more benign, this could be the way your husband wants to spend time with you. Also, keep in mind that you have the power to sway your husband in what he watches with you and how often. For example, I’ll only watch A and not B, or only once a month.
Generally speaking, I would be more worried if he had access to unfiltered internet. It could be that watching movies from the library is his “kosher” alternative to other types movies which are available on the internet.
Of course, from a non religious standpoint, the purpose of marriage is to create a loving environment in which individuals can love and care for each other. According to this approach, marriage is more of a tool to create a commitment from both spouses and is not necessarily integral to the goal of creating a loving and caring environment. Of course, the non religious approach has little meaning (as your question implied) and is also risky as breakups and divorces are much more common.
It’s not so much what you learn that’s important, it’s how you learn. Whatever you choose to learn (gemara, mishnayos, listening to a shiur etc.) you have to be held accountable to either yourself or someone else. For example, for yourself, you can set a goal of finishing the sefer you are going to learn by a certain time. Afterward you can celebrate with a siyum and undertake a new thing to learn. If someone else will be making sure that you’re keeping up with your learning (Rav or Chavrusa) that also works. It would also be helpful to learn in a Bais Medrash since that also increases the motivation to learn.
Marriage is about a give and take between spouses with both investing as much as possible at all times. There are obviously different needs and capabilities in a relationship and one spouse may be investing more at any given time. Unconditional love would mean that both would still love and care for each other despite the imbalance.
It’s not possible to know why things happen to us as we don’t have a navi who can tell us. Though we do know that tefillah can help get rid of a bad g’zaira and can even cause a person’s mazel to improve. You can’t lose if you cry out to Hashem for help in improving your situation, whether it is a test or a punishment.
Having guilt is a good sign and you should be happy about it. It means that your Neshoma is disgusted from being part on an impropriety. The guilt gives you a chance to do Teshuva. Once you do teshuva (you regret what you did and decide not to do it again) Hashem accepts you back to where you were before. Furthermore, Chazal teach us that when one does Teshuva out of love of Hashem then his/her level is even higher than it was before he/she sinned. Bemokom S’Baalai Tshuva Omdim, Ein Tzadikim Gemurim Yecholim La’amod.
The Torah is telling us that it’s a man’s job to make his wife happy. Whether the wife can be happy without him is irrelevant. If you are trying to align the 613 mitzvos with modern psychology you will end up confused. Im Hashem Hu Ha’Elokim Lechu Acharav V’im Ha’bal L’chu Acharav.
To forgive someone (who does not ask for forgiveness), you must be able to forget. To forget, you usually need a change of your situation (where you live, go to school, friends, etc). Another very helpful strategy is to talk to someone you trust (sibling, spouse, your child) about the situation you were in and discuss the facts of what happened, the people involved and their personalities. This should allow you to acknowledge/ accept what happened and move on.
Firstly, tell your friend that it’s normal for men (even married) to have the desire to look at inappropriate materials. Even the most frum men can have such a desire, and she should not think that her husband is abnormal/ weird. The problem arises (besides basic halacha) if this desire is preventing him from being a good husband and father, which may be the case here.
Second, her husband probably knows that he’s doing the wrong thing by looking at inappropriate materials, it’s just that his temptations got the better of him.
Third, if your friend is worried about her husband, she should tell him what she found and talk to him in a non threatening way. She needs to understand and clearly tell her husband that this is “his” problem which he alone must deal with and figure out how to solve.
But, it’s not her job to be his policeman and snoop on him. She should continue to love her husband (hopefully she still does) and pray that he fixes himself up (and it would be good to get rid of the internet at home) before he destroys himself or his family.
“Anybody have suggestions as to how to handle Shabbos..”
I find that the shabbos table alone has a tremendous power to bring happiness to people, frum and not frum. Therefore, don’t under-estimate how effective the shabbos table can be in helping your child feel happy and loved.
Some possibilities to make the shabbos table more fulfilling could be as follows:
-allow your son (and other members of the family) to place a request for a certain types of food they like.
-possibly start each meal with an interesting story (jewish or not jewish), about a person was faced with hardship, and how they dealt with it. Then invite the family to provide their own opinion about the story or any other lesson they wish to add.
-also, singing is a powerful tool which brings happiness. Encourage your husband (and children who wish to sing) to do so. Though it should not be forced.
I hope that your son and all other children who are thirsting for the beauty of a jewish life find it soon.
I definitely understand your concerns. Firstly, are there any jewish libraries in your area? There are many mystery books available from jewish publishers.
Secondly, if you do plan on going to a regular library to look for “clean” books, most libraries have a juvenile section, where many of the books are clean. Of course some aren’t, but it shouldn’t be that difficult for you to figure out which ones are clean and which aren’t. Or, if you want to limit the types of books (such as not taking out fantasy books), you should be able to easily see what type of book it is. Also, there are many classic authors, and you can ask a librarian who they are, which do not have this type of issue.
If you do happen to a regular library together with your child, you should be able to tell them in advance that some books in the library are not good for their Neshoma, and that they can only take out books after they show them to you.
I see that you are bothered about this issue and you really want to tell this information. That itelf is a good sign and shows that you’re not scared to let down your guard. I understand your desire to get married to a normal girl but keep in mind that you may have to broaden your scope and look for a more mature girl (possibly older than you) that will appreciate your stengths and weaknesses. Anxiety is a serious issue (though not life threatening) and will probably remain with you (at least in some form) for the rest of your life. But you can use this test to grow with your future spouse and family and come closer to Hashem. Realize that Hashem loves you and would not test you if you could not overcome it. I hope that my words encourage you to continue to grow and become the caring person that you are.
I can’t help but cry inside when I read your letter. I want you to know that although you feel a lot of pain, you can overcome it and with Hashem’s help you will. Not only that, but you will come out of this stronger than before. Have faith in Hashem who loves you and try to see the good whenever you can. This will lift your spirits and carry you for the rest of your life. With much respect and admiration.
I understand where you are coming from and commend you in your search for the sources of halacha. My point was that we depend on fear of Hashem when faced with a test. If this wasn’t what you were asking, I’m sorry. Though, I enjoyed your question anyway!
Part of growing up and being a mature adult is understanding that not all of the things we want to do are good for us. We all are all able to search our souls and realize which activities are clearly harmful to us. Hatzlocha Rabba.December 1, 2008 5:06 pm at 5:06 pm in reply to: UPDATE: Mishnayos for the Mumbai KEDOSHIM – 1-TEVES (TODAY) IS THE SHLOSHIM #628423
I’ll learn Negaim bli neder. Tizku L’MitzvosDecember 1, 2008 2:23 pm at 2:23 pm in reply to: UPDATE: Mishnayos for the Mumbai KEDOSHIM – 1-TEVES (TODAY) IS THE SHLOSHIM #628411
I’ll take Yoma, Bli Neder. Tizku L’Mitzvos
Yoma was taken a few minutes before you took it. Can you take a different one?