Forum Replies Created
Being Real –
I can’t begin to tell you how much I’m maskim to you.
I thought about this idea a year ago, but unfortunately most ‘Frum, Yeshivish’ Rabbonim wouldn’t dare to suggest it (let alone implement it).
To Notasheep – Girls will benefit JUST AS MUCH from thi – trust me. At the moment, thousands of girls go through 2 dates with many boys (it’s rude to say ‘no’ after just 1), where over a few days – they often go through a stressful ordeal due to being excited and hopeful about their date. Meanwhile, as far as the boy is concerned – the shidduch was practically finished 5 mins into the first date.
So BOTH boys and girls will be doing each other HUGE favours (saving time/stress/money/disappointments etc) by the ‘Yeshivish World’ introducing an accepted ‘Speed Dating System’. Apart from TIMES having changed….PEOPLE have also changed – and the matzuv warrants it now!
50 years ago, who would have dreamed of going out to EAT on a shidduch – now its practicaly accpeted EVERYWHERE…..TIMES & PEOPLE HAVE CHANGED!
the-art-of-moi – Don’t be so narrow-minded! Attraction is a Prerequisite for marriage.
Surely this is a better approach than guys being set-up with a ton of girls who all call it off after 1 or 2 dates due to looks.
Men are Men! Stop kidding urself!
You think you guys have a problem in the USA – you should see the matzuv in the UK/Europe;
Everyone knows so much about other families these days that shidduchim don’t even get started! At least you guys are dating!
You know you are going to get a mixed range of views – why did u bother asking! Do you not have any mentors, friends?
No-one could possibly be able to answer that withot knowing u.
What a dumb question!
1) I’m not joking now – couldn’t the Rabbonim reinstate the ability, and furthermore, encourage a man to marry more than one woman?
2) I think that the current shidduch system is a very slow one and that the sytem cn’t keep up with, K”AH, the vast amount of people on the market. I beleive Speed Dating could be very effective. I know it sounds goyish – but listen up; It would enable that only minimal information needs to be found out prior to the meeting (the amount of time wasted on phone calls, waiting etc is crazy – especially in the UK where ‘investigating’ is such a lengthly process). This would avoid the crazy amount of time invested in ‘non-starters’ too. Sometimes so much info is fund out, and after 5 minutes of meeting – the boy/girl knows its not right.
All we need is the Rabbonim to endorse it.
snowbunny3318 – everyone knows that the heter was only in those days and that today, R’Moshe Zatzal would 110% say it is definitely ossur. I’ve heard this from loads of Poskim. I dunno how all u Americans can just ba’al habatishly say ”Yeah, R’ Moshe allows it” – look into it!
Nowdays, No Rav in the whole of Europe allows it – why should the US be diff?
mw13 – Firstly, I assume that you agree to the fact that divorce is a huge stigma in the frum world. Taking that fact on board, logic alone dictates that there must be a significant amount of people who wish for, but are too afraid, to divorce. It has to be! If you were terribly unhappy to the extent that you really wanted to start afresh with someone else since you can’t get over the current issues which bother you about your spouse, and you know that if you divorce her the entire community will be murmuring about you, and because your community will assume that you must have issues it will be quite difficult for you to be set-up with anyone else in the future – there is a significant chance that you might ‘stick it out’ for the rest of your life and put on a show for the world. Do I hear you saying that it will be courageous of you to do that? Who says that doing THAT is courageous – Maybe divorcing her is the morally correct action to take!
Secondly, I know personally first-hand of a few people who have stale and rotten marriages but are too scared to take the plunge. These ‘few people’ are good friends/associates – Thus I can fairly assume that there are a load more people out there in the same boat as them.
Thirdly, I’ve heard from a certain Rav who is very involved in the NY communities. He estimates the number of broken (unfixable) marriages at a huge rate.
Unfortunately the stigma attached to divorce is huge in the frum communities due to the narrow mindedess and mad amount of peer pressure present. This causes many terribly unhappy couples to ‘stick it out’ for the rest of their lives.
Why can’t the ‘frum world’ be broader mineded as a whole and accept divorce as a very acceptable action nowdays (i’m not saying it’s commendable obviously).
If you think about it; why is the rate of divorce so much lower in the frum world than in the ‘non-frum’ world. Don’t tell me it is just because of the upbringing/outlooks that people are raised with – no one likes divorce! The reason is because a lot of ‘frum people’ are living FAKE lives and ‘living a lie’!
I empathise with you…
R klonimus kalman wesselburger – so are u saying that u guys are just as happy married as people who take more time? Maybe it is just because divorce is a bigger stigma in England…
agittayid – it’s not that anyone changed, it’s just that she’s not like I thought she was, and that some things that may have been evident beforehand but didn’t bother me, bother me SO SO much now!
MorahRach – obviously she’s not happy too. She feels unloved. I don’t blame her.
Mammele – I guess I am more of a ‘perfectionist’ – but can’t it ALSO happen that a perfectionist truly gets the short end of the stick?
Syag Lchochma – can u elaborate – I’m not getting you…
Jewish Source – no child yet.
Others – I’ve been seeing a counselor for a while – havn’t really made any headway. There’s really 2 types of therapy; 1 type is speculating ulterior factors (just speculation), the other is ”Tachlis! Everyone has both positives and negatives, try and be tollerant”.
Practically if the will isn’t there and regret is – both therapies are ineffective.
Thanks for everyone’s replies.
I just want to clarify that when I said ‘surprises’ – included in that means that things which I married her for are not really existent anymore ie. the things which ticked the main boxes when I dated do not tick the boxes anymore.
It’s as if I have ‘made a mistake’. I keep thinking that if divorce wasn’t such a stigma (it beats me why it is so big) I’d be out of my marriage in a flash.
I know the ‘taineh’ against today’s world; ”we’re living in a disposable society”, but at the end of the day, if one is not happy and quite certain that ‘he made a mistake’ – internalizing such thoughts about the 21st century’s society isn’t gonna help much.
Am I not right?