50 Responses

1. Is this a joke? “There are greater disaster’s than a single girl at TWENTY-FIVE”?!!! When people talk about “the crisis” it’s not about girls who are 25. May Anonymous truly never know from worse.

2. That is a fabulous poem! It hits is right on the nose!

3. beitar – when people talk about the “shidduch crisis,” they ARE often referring to 25, 26, 27 yr old girls. And even those who are 32 or 33, while it is sad, terrible, and even heartwrenching, but the author is right – a “crisis” it is not. Starving to death, thats a crisis. a 9 year old’s painful death after suffering from a chronic illness, thats a tragedy, A suicide bomber, thats a disaster. The Holocaust – that was a “calamity of major proportions” – Get the difference?? IM NOT MINIMIZING WHAT THESE MEN AND WOMEN GO THROUGH AT ALL!! But words should be chosen wisely. In terms of calling it a “crisis,” she makes an excellent, mature, and well thought out point.

4. Yasher Koach on the poem,
   I can realy sympathize.
   Although I must admit,
   I am not yet twenty five.

   Thanks it was great!

5. I fully agree with post # 1. The shidduch crisis does not apply to 25-year-olds. Ma’am, you have a good 3 to 5 years before you should put yourself in crisis mode. Also, I’ve never heard anyone refer to the shidduch crisis as a “tragedy” or a “calamity”. Please. The Holocaust and the sad events mourned on Tisha B’Av were tragedies and calamities. Being single at 25 is certainly not one of them.

6. truly a story of courage!!!

   courage to express yourself openly on yeshivaworld
   thus opening yourself up to all sorts of foolish, harsh, and demeaning comments.
   be prepared.

7. I think that it really is a tragedy – there is a huge problem that needs to be dealt with. Writing poems is nice, but when there are THOUSANDS of singles out there, you have a tragedy!!

   Let’s not kid ourselves, there needs to be real solutions for this issue. I don’t have answers, nor do most people (although they may claim to) & I don’t think that enough attention is given to this problem.

8. I am very impressed with the writer of this poem! Kol Hakavod to your wonderful attitude!

9. She should be zoicha to find her basherte fast!

10. I must admit I did not appreciate this poem. Yes, G-d is very kind to all His children, both single and non-single alike. There is no denying all the good He does for us and I particularly am grateful for all the gifts I have in my life.

    But do you know how many people I know that simply cannot relate to this utopian laundry list of blessings this poem lays out?? How does it relate to the single orphans out there, the singles with strained or nonexistent family relationships, the singles who are jobless or unhappily employed, the singles with friends who have long moved on after marriage, the singles experiencing problems with their health, the singles who only WISH they were still twenty five!

    May the writer be continually blessed with all that is good.

11. there is nothing more in-human than not having that person with whom you crave to share and build your life with.

    I have millions of blessings to be greatful for,
    sharing life with someone would only make it millions more!
    B’Ezrat Hashem by all those thousands of singles who suffer from pain others can’t comprehend,
    to soon build thier Bayit Ne’eman B’yisrael and have their lonliness end
    !Amen!

12. ok folks so who sets the date when it becomes a crisis for someone and when they can voice their emotions? B’Ezrat HaShem she and all others will find their intended very soon.

13. This poem came as a result of an ad in last weeks yated that called the shidduch crisis a tragedy. It said that “10% of this years graduating class will never get married” which in it of itself was a very frightening statement along with the name for the “crisis”. There are 1000’s of young singles because well, one doesn’t get engaged as soon as he/she graduates or comes out of the lakewood freezer, not because they never will get married. It is a process but iyh, we should all be zoche to find our zivug hagun.

14. Thank You Velvel for letting us know exactly when female singles should switch to crisis mode. We were always wondering about that.

15. There would be no “shidduch crisis” if boys and girls were permitted to meet and interact without the meddlesome interference of their parents. Parents, make the introduction. Then, step out of the way and let the kids get a cup of coffee or dinner together and determine THEMSELVES whether they are of reasonable minds, intelligence, wits, and resources to get married. Stop asking who is going to buy the bedroom set. Stop asking whose grandfather sat on which beis din (remember, the best part of yichus is usually in the ground!).

    And, finally, stop clucking your pathetic little tongues everytime the name of a boy or girl older than 25 is still “unattached.” Trust me, the folks who want to get married, and are not, do not need your pity. They need genuine friendship of friends, not onlookers. So if you cannot muster a semblance of interaction beyond either pity or a jaundiced eye, step aside.

16. I assume that no one here minimizing the shidduch crisis is an older single girl. שלום יהיה לי, אני את נפשי הצלתי.

    Is is a crisis because due to demographics, some girls will NEVER get married. לא לתוהו בראה אלא לשבת יצרה. There is no bigger crisis facing the frum community, not real estate owners, not tzenius, not children at risk, and not even the internet לא עלינו.

17. Crises does not equate to tragedy.
    Crises refurs to a state which requires major concern and action to resolve or be wary of.

    Tragedy is beyond the dealing point.

    Crises is a very good word for the situation. The writer is not aware of the demographics behind the situation.

    Your personally experience is like denying an epidemic because you had a small spell of the flu

18. nnuts –
    That sound you hear is the meaning of the poem going right over your head.

19. its a crisis,its a tragedy
    whatever you want to call it, its a terrible matziv for anyone that is in this situation.It will only get worse before it gets better unless the boys stop with their outrageous demands for support and the girls realize that their parents can’t support 3 or 4 families at a time.
    for all those bigshots knocking this poem how many of you would be meshadich with a Lakewood girl whose father has been learning for the past 20 years and doesn’t have a rich shver.we have hundreds of girls in that parsha,that is a crisis

20. I am a single male at age 36.

    While my life can always be better when I find the right one for me , its pretty good right now.

    I have a stable well paying job, I do chessed work, I learn, I travel, and I go to a gym to stay fit. I have a great time visiting older folks at the nursing home and they love it as well.I have wonderful friends of which some are single and others are married. I am having a great time.
    I am pretty well off as things stand right now.

    So by now your probably saying, “hey classact, your having too much fun being single and don’t want to get married,You don’t need marriage cause your content as is”, right?

    Well guess whose scrutinizing me and my single friends and doing CIA style background checks for weeks and weeks before they will agree to one date, its the girls in my age appropriate group (30-36).Guess who will make it near impossible to be reached to set up a date , and let the call go to voicemail for a week and not return a call? you got it, the older girls. Guess who will not get back to me or the matchmaker and disappear for weeks before giving the standard ” well , I just don’t see it” answer instead of considering a second try at this later stage in their life? you guessed it: The 30 and older girls.

    So , as I said,I and my single friends are having a great time and living a constructive and invigorating life. And if mine and my friends zivugim finally decide to come around and get serious about marriage, well here we are !

    We would love to enhance our lives even further.

    Happy hunting everyone!

21. I’ve got a job that I enjoy
    My finances are stable

    Perhaps, oh perhaps, that’s why your a single girl at twenty five.

22. As a prime minister of England once put it in regard to his opponent:

    “The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.”
    — Benjamin Disraeli, British prime minister

23. I understand that a couple years ago a VAAD was created to deal with this crisis. Since this mainly comes from boys marrying girls younger then them… and also looking for girls who can afford for them to learn- even though 90% of them only learn for up to 4 years… does anyone know what resolutions have happened??? 10%!!! That is earthshattering. I agree this is the biggest crisis to hit the frum community today- although it is easier for our newspapers to print about other problems which affect less people and have actions people can take or are health issues which there is not much that CAN be done.

24. I want to add that I wrote to Hamodia asking for an update on the VAAD and they sent me the lakewood vaads number, either way it would be nice if some substantial reporting was done on this and not just reader letters!

25. NEWS FLASH:
    Getting married is NOT the ikkar in life. The ikkar in life is doing Ratzon Hashem, and what we’ve learned ever since we were little kids is that Hashem knows what He’s doing even when we can’t seem to understand.

    OF COURSE, I want to get married (so badly!). OF COURSE, being married and having a family is a tremendous source of joy. OF COURSE, being single and alone is a miserable, saddening state. And it’s hard for anyone in it, especially those who WANT to be married and just can’t find a mate.

    But the ikkar is doing Ratzon Hashem, and there is a special bracha for someone who accepts yisurim b’ahava. The frum community needs to understand that if a person truly desires to get married yet remains single because of “demographics”, “meddling parents”, “boys’ demands”, or whatever you want to call it, it’s REALLY because that’s the way Hashem planned it since Beraishis.

    It’s a hardship, it’s a nisayon, it’s yesurim… but is it a tragedy? That depends on who you are, and you know what? Some can feel it is, and some can feel it isn’t. What everyone must keep repeating to himself or herself is this: it’s Ratzon Hashem. Everyone blames it on outside factors but the truth is, this is G-d working in His infinitely mysterious ways. We don’t understand; we can’t… and that’s the way it should be.

26. goodpop…i agree, so we need to change the system. parents of boys: get them educated one way or another to support their families like it was done in the good old days and like the kesuva states. parents of girls: stop buying husbands for your daughters. if there is no supply, there will be no demand. let’s get back to the time when the main function of a wife/mother was to raise her babies and the main function of the husband/father was to work and learn in his spare time. i think these kinds of families produced wonderful products for klal yisroel.
    as an aside, there is much literature out there that shows the detrimental long-lasting effects on babies who are sent to the babysitter, day care center, etc. from six weeks of age and onward for many hours a day. there very well may be a correlation between the lack of maternal love and attention and the emotional, social, behavioral and physical issues that MANY of our babies/toddlers/children/adolescents are faced with today.

27. Married people have no understanding what it’s like to be single. And you have no right saying that it’s NOT a crises. Thank you.

28. You know what the crisis really is? The amount of divorces that are happening in our communities. While some have a hard time getting married, Many can not even stay married. And the tragedy is all those children that have to witness these divorces, especially the bitter ones. Why is there no article about that?

29. What is very admirale about this poem is the happy and possitive attitude to life and what Hashem decides to give. Everyone should be able to strive to accept what they have with happiness, and then look to help others who have less-Amen!!

30. The NASI (North American Shidduch Initiative) Fund has being launched to address this conundrum. The Fund’s goal is to encourage shidduchim with a smaller age difference by providing an incentive of $750 to shadchanim of couples who are within two years of age of each other. Shadchanim of couples in which the chosson and kallah are less than a year apart would receive $1250. A shadchan of a couple in which the girl is at least three months older than the boy would receive $2000.

    NASI
    917 804 5556
    347 880 2463
    email adress is [email protected]

31. Gut gezogt #26.
    As long as the rosh yeshivas themselves want a “money” shidduch for their daughters then they are really marrying for the money. (Something i that used to be a goyish or “prost” thing to do.)
    Oh and Lakewood? thats the place that have cheders where we want your money but you’re not good enough to send your children here.

32. After reading all of the responses I STILL maintain that perhaps, had the poem been written by a single 38 year old female (and I know quite a few 38+) it might be worth noting, but a 25 year old has no idea yet, whether or not it’s a crisis/tragedy. (Amhaaretz put it well). Also, while it may or may not be a tragedy for any specic individual its prevalence in our society certainly makes it a crisis and probably tragic, too.

33. 21, Ed

    Its not always because a girl has a bit more to offer that she lets success go to her head.

    I think those singles who lack basic qualifications have even a harder time!

34. why in world is this on YW??
    who cares that some one knows how 2 write a poem??

35. Goodpop, I couldn’t agree with you more. Today, the good bachurim, or even more so, their haughty mothers, have the most outrageous demands ever and think that bec their son knows how to learn, the world is theirs.

36. #28 (Sruly613)”You know what the crisis really is? The amount of divorces that are happening in our communities. While some have a hard time getting married, Many can not even stay married. And the tragedy is all those children that have to witness these divorces, especially the bitter ones. Why is there no article about that? ”

    I agree with you -thats another crisis we have in our communties,people are often blinded by looks and/or money & they overlook the negative character traits that the individual has. Unfortunately, when the initial ‘romance’ fades and they are no longer blinded , they begin to discover the true inner qualities of their spouse, and sadly many realize they are incompatible & get divoced. If there are children in the picture- they end up being used as the ‘pawns’ in the divorce match . There are even people who will sink so low as to make up sick stories about their spouse in order to ‘win the match ‘. Attn singles out there -PLEASE BE CAREFUL NOT TO BE BLINDED BY APPEARANCES !! (looks are the easiest to change i.e. you can always get a personal trainer, wear the right clothes etc..) MIDDOS can not be ‘fixed’ as we all know it is brought down it is easier to learn the whole Torah then to change even one middah. Please make middos your #1 priority!!!

37. We have to allow the singles to date more than six times before they have to decide one way or the other. The longer you go out with a person, the more likely it is you will discover what their true personality is like. Of course, some people can put on a good show, but certainly when meeting someone for only six times it is easier to put on an act. There are such ridiculous rules in the shidduch parsha set by who knows who. Can we get the parents back into the equation and put some common sense back in? After all the parents themselves did not follow these rules and hopefuly their marriages are working out fine. I hear that the boys are told exactly where to take a girl on the first date, and where on the second date, etc. Why can’t a boy think for himself and decide where he wants to take his date??? If he ready to get married he should be ready to decide a simple matter like this himself.

38. to kollelwife. who says a good boy today knows how to learn. today a boy after high school never takes a bechina and barely has to talk to a rebbe in learning.
    ask any poisik today about the klutz kashes they get today from the so called good boys.many can kvetch on a sugya for days on end but can’t pasken a simple shaila in hilchos shabbos. you can forget about boys knowing anything about kashrus because they are never home and know nothing about running a kosher kitchen.
    b”h at least the girls learn some halocha

39. one of the things that might help to alleviate the crisis (which it definitely is)is for EVERYONE to get involved, and I mean everyone. I am tired of hearing people say they cannot suggest a shidduch because “they don’t know anyone” or “they are not good at that sort of thing”.Take on just ONE person. Make that one person your personal project, to see that he or she finds their bashert. If everyone would do that, do you realize how many shidduchim would actually materialize?

40. asinburt, right on! i made four shidduchim so far. all it takes is a pen, index cards and an organized file system so you can keep track of everything properly – and of course, a phone or email!

41. actually, gold, what it takes to make a shidduch is hashgacha pratis.
    🙂

42. Wow, 40+ comments on Yeshivaworld.
    So, some people missed the point.
    Others are harping on the fact that I’m 25.
    Still others assume that my job is well-paying. LOL.
    And that my family relationships are perfect.
    Some offered brachos; others, their condolences.
    I truly hope no one was hurt.
    ‘Twas meant for those looking at others as pitiful creatures to realize that we are not so. I’m not belittling the hurt and pain singles experience. What I am saying is that most of the singles I know, be they 21, 31, 48 or 25; most are not comforted by the fact that others view them as victims of a tragic circumstance.
    Does that mean that others shouldn’t care? Of course not! Please, continue to make shidduchim, how difficult it may be.
    But to paint a life as a tragedy – please. Save that for the episodes described by one of the commenters (may they never occur again).

43. actually, Gold, what it takes is a lot of gold.

44. yes, hashgacha pratis…but we all have to do our hishtadlus.

45. Wow, anono that comment really helps in this discussion.

    So lets all sit back and relax, and wait for hashgacha pratis to do the job…

46. Anonowriter, That is not a nice attitude to Gold who apparently tries to make shidduchim and is succesful. Since you sound like the poem writer a big thank you to him/her would be more appropriate. Good Luck to you.

47. Gold – of course we must do our hishtadlus.
    (That’s why I put the smile 🙂 at the end of my sentence; to show that mine was just an addition…)
    Just trying to lighten the threatening mood around here, but it seems as though some people just can’t help but throw a sarcastic comment.

    May we all merit to do our utmost to help those around us, with the roght attitude, and through that, be zocheh to the geulah shleimah.

48. to ploiderer1 – i think you missed my original posting. if we would have the males back to their role in the kesuva – supporting their families when they get married – then the girls’ parents don’t have to have the “gold” to marry off their daughters.

49. actually gold, נדוניא is also part of the kesuva. As long as there are more girls than boys, the girls’ fathers will have to pay big bucks.

50. What ure saying about the money is all too true…
    but
    I know plenty of unwealthy girls who married terrific guys, as well as plenty of wealthy girls who are still searching.
    Its pretty clear that its all Hashgacha pratis.
    And u can have all the sarcasm in the world, but the way of the world is the same its always been.

    We do our utmost hishtadlus (way ta go Gold!) but then we gotta take a step back and let Him do the rest.
    Lo alecha hamlacha ligmor.
    We could only try our best. But… only WE know if its really our best.
    Hatzlacha to e/o waiting for a yeshua.