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Rabbi Avrohom J. Twerski, MD: The Need for Marriage Preparation


chupah.jpgThe sad state of affairs of the modern family has been widely described in the media: about half of all marriages in the United States result in divorce. This is not only tragic for the couple, but can be disastrous for the children. Yes, children growing up in a single parent home can be happy, but they have at least two strikes against them, And, as so often happens, when there are custody battles and the children become pawns in the parents’ contentiousness, they have three strikes against them.

Traditionally, the Jewish family was a bulwark of stability. In recent years, the security of this fortress has eroded, and while the incidence of divorce in the Jewish community is not at the catastrophic 50% level, it is significant, and what is ominous, appears to be growing.

There is no escaping the cultural influence. The secular culture and media today preaches a hedonistic philosophy of life: everything is for fun and pleasure. The closing line to the juvenile fairy tales, “And they lived happily ever after” is assumed to be reality.

In actuality, however, with time, the stresses and hassles of real life take on a prominent place alongside the pleasures of marriage. The marriage relationship becomes increasingly characterized by the need for responsibility and tolerance.

Responsibility? Tolerance? Where did these come from? Young people did not experience them, and they do not fit into their fantasy of blissful marriage. Finding their expectations unmet, one or both partners are disappointed, and begin to look for relief.

Some might argue, “Our parents and grandparents did not have to take preparatory courses for marriage.” True. But in the shtedtl, and even in the United States when I was a child, the environment was not the toxic one that exists now. We are the beneficiaries of science, technology and medicine, and many of the hardships of life have been eliminated. Many young people feel that there is no reason why one should make any adjustments in life. In addition, the immorality in the secular world is epidemic, and we are not immune to its subtle effects.

What about trying to fix the relationship? When I was a youngster, there were many things that were fixed. Not so today. If you take a radio into a repair shop and ask to have it fixed, they will think you to be crazy. You don’t fix something that’s broken. You throw it away and get a new one.

We live in an age of “disposability.” Disposable cups, glasses, diapers, dishes, cutlery, pens, contact lenses and yes, even cameras. Why bother trying to fix something when it is so easy to throw it away and get a new one? Alas! This attitude has spread to relationships and even to the sacred institution of marriage. The spouse is not giving you all you expected? Exchange him/her for a new one.

Many young people entering marriage do not even think of the awesome responsibility of bringing children into this complex world and giving them the best opportunity to achieve happiness.

But there is hope. In order to save the sacred marriage relationship, we must educate young people about the true nature of marriage, how to relate intimately to another human being. It is related that the Steipler Gaon remarked that a young man whose major relationship was with his shtender may not know how to relate to someone to whom one must give of oneself.

The crucial need for parents to better prepare their sons and daughters for shidduchim and marriage has led to the development of Binyan Adei Ad; The Dating and Marriage Learning Center. I have been involved in this program from its very inception and it is a program I strongly endorse and encourage. The program offers separate classes to men and women of shidduch age and teaches all important topics such as self-esteem, self-awareness, communication, effective dating, finances, etc.

Binyan Adei Ad can be life-saving for young people and their progeny. Instructors competent and experienced in relationships can help young people understand the realities of marriage. They can answer questions young people may have that they have never found someone to ask. Teaching young people what marriage is really all about and preparing them for this sacred relationship is a most vital community responsibility.

To contact Binyan Adei Ad please call 718-419-5366.

Note: Due to popular demand, Binyan Adei Ad has added a course for married couples. Please call for details.



14 Responses

  1. You should add a course on realism in Shidduchim. The “singles Shidduch crisis” is fueled by unrealistic expectations, based on the crazy culture around us.

  2. This course should be a requirement in girls high schools and mesivtos for boy, no graduation without the course completion.

  3. Why does everyone think that more talking is the answer? Has this course proven itself or is another excuse to suck money? The problem is deeper and needs to be dealt with from pre-school age!

  4. bklynmom, you are right!!!
    It bothers me so much that we wait until couples are engaged to learn about shalom and giving and how to keep a steady home!!! Every Yeshiva and Bais Yakov should be required to have marriage courses… train it in froma yougng age… why wait till ppl are so set in their ways and its hard to change!!! I have been tempted many atime to write a letter to the Agudah or Roshei Yeshiva to implement such a thing. I;m not sure why I never go to it!!!

  5. Just as Rabbi Twerski says that today is the “dispose of it” age, so it is also “go to a course for it” age. Reminds me of a major shul in BP where the kids are being taken care of by the Shul during shalosh Seodos, I overheard a person remark, “oi vei – so many yesomim nebach”. What happened to “fathers” and “mothers”? have they also been chucked in to the “disposer”? First of all father and mother by just being normal, decent and civil to each other, as well as behaving in an ehrlich and upright way, should be enough of an education for any child on how to behave in a marriage. So, perhaps we should have courses for mom and pop, rather. Teaching a girl to hang up the phone as soon as the “oisgemitchete” husband pops through the door (this is what they really teach – and everything else is on the same level of brilliance as well)is moronic to say the least. If the idea behind it is to teach love and respect, then very little can be accomplished when the kid has seen no such thing at home for the past 18 years. So, really, maybe Rabbi Twersky should open a course for parents. This way, you teach one couple, and all their children are automatically taken care of.

  6. Let’s not lose our sense of judgement and proportion. Marriage courses should not be given until it’s time to look for a Shidduch or just before marriage. A young man or young woman in school should not be burdened with these things before the proper time.

  7. I would agree deepthinker, except unfortunately we are in a dor of ppl who are so used to divorce and disposal and selfishness that they need to be trained at a younger age so it’s a concept that is normal to them instead of popped on them and discarded when they get married. At least somewhat training should be done… I had my teachers open my eyes in high school to very many concepts of shalom bayis and how things arent as rosey as it seems inless you work for it and build it and I wish I could hae had more even in those days- it’s not just for marriage but for all relationships in life. If they start with that than its easier to get deeper and more specific for engaged couples.

  8. Don’t agree with you deepthinker.
    All the skills taught for shalom bayis will be utilized in the workplace, when in yeshiva or seminary dorms, with neighbors, etc. The skills of conflict resolution, effective communication, positive thinking, selfgrowth should begin in the teenage years and developed through marriage and onward. START as EARLY AS POSSIBLE!

  9. The problem is that most of those teaching Chasanim and Kallos are too busy teaching Halacha and much too little in the way of hashkofhoh and hadrochoh. Much more time must be invested in this once-in-a-lifetime endeavor. When I teach a choson I invest on average 26hrs one on one, and follow up several times within shonoh rishonah. (The proof is in the results: I only have one case of divorce in the past 16 years! And that case was predictable as he was an emotianally unstable individual) I’m appalled when I hear of Chosson or Kallah classes that are done in 4 – 6 hrs. An overhaul to the whole system is very neccessary and I applaud Dr. Twerski’s initiative. However I still feel that few will attend. It therefore must be implemented by the Chosson & Kallah teachers

  10. It would help if the parents also went to classes because many of the divorces and shalom bayis issues are a result of the parents meddling in and not leaving go. Rav Pam ztz”l used to encourage young couple to go to Eretz Yisroel for a year so that they could mesh and bond without the parents intervening. Many well meaning parents cause much strife in the lives of the young couples. I would advise each Choson vKallah post a sign on their new home – a take-off of the construction signs in Israel – that reads, “Knisa Asura! Kan Bonim!

  11. Girls?!!!!! They get MORE THAN ENOUGH hashkofa, chizuk, and chinuch about going beyond themselves! What the heck are the chassanim learning before the chuppa?? Kalla classes are plenty. But THE BOYS aren’t getting it. Or let the yeshivos take responsibility for teaching bochurim what a relationship IS, how to be a mensch, and how to give. Give such ideas their proper chashivus. Pul–l–l–ease! As a mother of yeshivaleit, I’m APPALLED at the dismissiveness, and the intolerance of “difference” that our sons come home with. I have raised our sons to be kind, communicative, respectful of others. Have YOU raised YOURS with an eye to making them effective, loving husbands and fathers? If not, they will need a “COURSE” —

  12. ezras nashim says it like it is… girls aint perfect but thhe hashkafa is being put in there… boys… WILL THE ROSHEI YESHIVA AROUND THE WORLD PLEASE STEP IN HERE??? It’s mamish necessary!!! The boys are not ready for marriage… they think its all fun and games and need early training on basic relating to ppl besides their chavrusos!! PLEASE somebody do something about it, make a macha!! stand up for what must be done!

  13. Well ezrasnoshim, you sound like a real wife who orders her husband around like a 3 year old and then claims he isnt behaving. No the girls need it more because they dont have regular mussar sedorim and have never even attempted to improve their middos. The boys may appear intolerant but will adjust to marriage easier as a challenge to overcome in the same way as they may have tried to overcome another middo but the girls have no experience whatsoever. Please ask your husband to reply to this message and see if he agrees!!!

  14. I actually took this course and it was amazing-was not the talk, talk, talk courses out there at all-very down to earth and practical based. You’re right that it should be required for every boy and girl out there-and married couples (heard they added a course for married people)- people really need to learn this- there would be a lot less problems in this world.

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