Anyone in the parsha—whether for themselves or for their children—knows the crushing anxiety that comes with researching a potential match. How can we possibly determine the right fit from a piece of paper? Is he/she like this or like that? Will their personality align with our hopes? With every profile, our minds spin endless possibilities—and anxiety, ever the pessimist, convinces us to assume the worst. Maybe they have this issue… Maybe they won’t understand that part of me… The doubts pile up, and before we know it, we’ve talked ourselves out of even considering the shidduch.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

I adopted a new approach—one that has been nothing short of life-changing. I recognize my own human tendency: when all I have is a written profile, my imagination runs wild, feeding anxiety and making me hesitant to proceed. But I also know this: the moment I actually meet the person, everything changes. Suddenly, they’re no longer an abstract set of traits on paper—they’re a real, multifaceted human being. The fears I had? Often unfounded. The concerns that seemed so big? Frequently insignificant. The clarity is astonishing.

So here’s what I do now: If a shidduch suggestion seems even remotely plausible, I ask the shadchan to arrange a brief phone call—immediately. No strings attached, no pressure to continue, just a short conversation. The goal? To replace the paper with a person. And the difference is night and day. Deciding whether to move forward becomes infinitely easier—and more enjoyable—when I’m evaluating an actual human being rather than a list of traits. People are always better than papers.

Admittedly, shadchanim are sometimes skeptical (though helpful individuals facilitating matches tend to love the idea). Even when they agree, the other side might need convincing. But there’s nothing to lose—only clarity to gain. Every single person who has tried this approach has told me it transformed their outlook. One parent even called to thank me, saying it gave their child renewed hope—the process no longer felt unbearable.

The concept is simple: Turn the paper into a person. A short, no-pressure conversation shifts the entire dynamic. Afterward, you’re back at the starting point—free to say, “Thanks, I’ll let you know if I’m interested.” But now, you’re making that decision based on a real interaction, not just speculation.

If you’re single or a parent navigating shidduchim, try this just once. I’m certain you’ll feel a weight lift—replacing dread with renewed motivation to find your bashert.

Wishing you tremendous siyata d’Shmaya. May Hashem guide you swiftly to your zivug hagun.

Hatzlacha,
A Friend

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