I am writing to express my profound outrage and disgust regarding an article titled “Pre-Date Meditations” by Eli Hoffmann, published in the Family First section of Mishpacha magazine, dated June 4, 2025. The piece, appearing in a publication aimed at women, is an insensitive and narcissistic rant that shamelessly trivializes the experiences of countless girls and women navigating the dating world, particularly within the context of shidduchim.
Hoffmann’s self-absorbed narrative—detailing his routine of dates with a detached, almost mocking tone—reveals a staggering lack of empathy. His casual dismissal of the emotional labor involved in dating, coupled with his apparent pride in his own indifference, paints a portrait of a man who sees women as mere inconveniences rather than individuals with feelings and hopes. To publish such a piece in a women’s magazine is not only tone-deaf but deeply insulting to the thousands of girls and women who have endured the pressures and vulnerabilities of this process.
At one point, Hoffmann describes dating as “just another day at the office.” Really? As a girl in shidduchim myself, do you know how insulting that is? Do you know how many hours go into preparing for a date, how many butterflies we push through as we step into a complete stranger’s car, how much emotional energy is spent hoping and davening that maybe, just maybe, this one will finally be the one? And this is how you view it? Like a fly on your shoulder you’re getting ready to brush off? It’s outrageous. No wonder you’re not married yet. And I feel for the girl who does marry you—because if this is your mindset, you’ll see her as a commodity, a disposable item that can be swapped out for the next “more exciting” version. That is not how a ben Torah should think, and it’s certainly not how a frum publication should allow women to be portrayed.
Couple this with his view on shidduchim as a whole. He essentially says: Who cares if this girl works out or not? I’ll get married anyway, right? At least I’m not a girl, right? Is this man a sociopath? That kind of glib dismissal is chilling. To see himself as the inevitable winner, while the girl is just another face in the queue he can afford to discard—it’s repugnant. This isn’t “honesty” or “transparency”; it’s cruelty disguised as cleverness.
The audacity to frame this as a “view from the other side of the mechitzah” while reducing women to stereotypes and sidelining their perspectives is beyond comprehension. Hoffmann’s self-centered musings—complaining about the “monotony” of dating while showing no regard for the impact on those he dates—scream narcissism. I can only pray that “Eli Hoffmann” is not his real name, for the sake of any woman unfortunate enough to marry such a self-absorbed individual.
Mishpacha magazine owes a public apology to the countless women and girls smeared and insulted by this article. The Family First section should uplift and respect its readership, not demean them with such callous content.
Sincerely,
C.S – A real girl with real feelings struggling with Shidduchim
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26 Responses
I can’t imagine the pain it was and is to read such garbage of a selfish pig who has no feelings or pity. The writer may be suffering from severe depression and anxiety that causes him to lose his senses and emotions. My experience in the “irv” was very painful and dark and I can imagine that eventually you just loose all of your senses. Please forgive the writer on the assumption that he’s just hit rock bottom and is stuck in a very dark place. I don’t read the mishpacha or any other trash that they sell in the stores and my commitment is stronger than ever. May you find your zivug speedily.
I didn’t view the article that way at all. As a fellow girl who dated for a couple of years, I actually thought it was a pretty healthy perspective. You can’t let every no break you as you wait for years to find the right one.
Im detecting a certain level of sarcasm. But it’s definitely not the type that looks or sounds good on paper.
Who bentches after only exactly two pieces of pizza 🍕 🤔 unless you also have fries or something? Read the article.
He needs help.
I agree with the writer. The shidduch process destroys the self esteem of girls who in any other community would be superstars. There is nothing humerous or funny about it at all. There is no menchlichkeit on the part of the boys, and some of the Rabbeim are just as bad. We have nothing to be proud of. This article pours salt on the wounds of the girls who are suffering through this process, sometimes for years.
Sorry ma’am I read the article and didn’t find anything inappropriate I did think your letter was very opinionated and abrasive. I feel bad saying this but I understand why you’re not married yet.
I disagree with the writer. This is not cruelty. It is Emptiness. Sheer emptiness. Not an iota of inspiration, insight, or actual feeling. Something that makes you feel a deep hollowness inside. This is the cheapest of cheap writing.
“At least I’m not a girl… Look at the bright side.” Actually, this is cruel. Not cruel for him to think in the recesses of his mind, but cruel for a Frum magazine to publish and distribute to thousands of Bnos Yisroel. Mishpacha Magazine absolutely does owe a public apology to its readership-men included.
As a male who read this article, I told my wife when I read it that this was an inappropriate article. Happy someone wrote a letter regarding this.
The only insensitive comment I saw in the article was “at least I am not a girl.” The point of the article is for girls to understand that it’s not all sunshine and roses for boys who have been dating for a long time. Why does it hurt a girl to hear a boy’s perspective? Girls will be victims if they choose to be victims. If girls would stop looking at boys as “enemy” and they have it so good, perhaps they could understand that it could be a grueling process all around. Do they have it easier? yes they can get a date much easier. Have you ever heard girls talk negatively about guys they went out with? Oh yeah. Not every vent from either side should be taken as an attack by the other. Perhaps the lesson from the OP is that boys should just shut up about their dating lives because girls will find whatever they say as offensive.
1. To the letter writer. It’s obviously basically satire and a way for him to deal with his own frustration. Read between the lines (if not the lines themselves) and it’s plain as day. He’s very clearly trying to get HIS side off his chest. The narrative is not about the girls he dates. As a Bachur, I can only hope that not all girls are this sensitive (or petty). However…
2. Much more important point – to you YWN too!! – how dare you bash (allow) another publication on yours. They obviously chose not to publish your letter so you came to this cesspool to do it. How classless. Even if Lashon Hora is not an issue here, you don’t find this being done, not even in secular outlets let alone Frum (supposedly Toiradig) one’s. Shame.
I think you some mending to do before getting married.
@Kinsler – “2. Much more important point – to you YWN too!! – how dare you bash (allow) another publication on yours. They obviously chose not to publish your letter so you came to this cesspool to do it. How classless.”
You mean like when Mishpacha trashed talked YWN in a Pesach edition article two years ago?
The truth of the matter is, the Yeshivos and the Roshei Yeshivos are silent on how the Bochurim talk or treat girls and women. Its shocking. Somehow, these “”Learners” think that they are better than everyone because they think they know a Blatt Gemoro. The previous generation understood what it means to learn and to respect others. Sadly, today,, the teachers and the Bochurim know nothing. They and their teachers are destroying Yiddishkeit
The “at least I’m not a girl” comment was acknowledging that the girls have it harder when it comes to dating.
Rocky and kinsler got it right.
And CS, whatever misgivings you have about Mr Hoffman and the article, your comments about him personally are outrageous.
This discussion does not belong here. If anywhere, it should be in the magazine that printed the article.
It’s a sad state of affairs. Both the boys and girls who are having difficulties with finding their Shidduch are suffering. Here is my advice to the girls. Smile.
i heard posting loshon hora on a public forum is a segula for shidduchim
Rav Chaim Brisker is quoted as saying “Not everything you think should be said, not everything you say should be printed.” I get this guy wants to vent – as he says in the article – but leave it in your diary! Why in the world would you want to print this!? In a women’s magazine!!?? Can someone here explain the to’eles in this article?
Making fun of people will not lead anyone to shalom bayis
Mishpacha is treif, as per the gedolim. Why would anyone read that, then?
Regardless, I sensed there was sarcastic sadness in his article, and that he really wants to meet the right girl and marry her – not that he seriously meant that he will for sure get married anyways while girls are just numbers.
Getting back to the first point, a kosher magazine would not have published this, due at least in part to the letter writer’s concerns.
i liked the article…
To Baltimore Maven, the answer to your question is everyone who follows Halacha bentches after 2 slices of pizza…..you might want to change your profile name.
To C.S.:
1.- I feel your pain, and the pain of many other fellow jews (boys & girls) going thru a similar situation;
2.- IMHO , people are (rarely) black & white (Gemora quotes only 4 which didn’t sin!), so the article guy is also some tone of gray
In any case , feeling someone else’s pain is being in good company:
See here:
From R’ Zweig
https://torah.org/torah-portion/rabbizweig-5785-shemos-2/
Growing Pains
“…Moshe grew up and went out to his brethren and observed their burdens…” (2:11)
The Torah relates that when Moshe grew up he went out to see the plight of his brethren. Citing the Midrash, Rashi comments “nasan einav v’libo lihiyos meitsar alaihem” – “he went out to see and experience their anguish”.1 Moshe must have been aware of the predicament which had befallen his brethren. Judaism does not promote self-flagellation. What then was gained by Moshe going out to see their pain? Rashi observes that there appears to be a redundancy in the verses. In verse ten the Torah states “and the boy grew up”.2 Why does the Torah in verse eleven repeat “and Moshe grew up”?3 Rashi explains that the first verse is referring to Moshe’s physical growth, while the second verse is describing his ascent in status; he was given the charge over “Beis Pharaoh” – “the house of Pharaoh”.4 In Parshas Yisro the Torah records that Hashem emancipated Bnei Yisroel from “beis avadim” – “a house of servitude”.5 Rashi comments that “beis avadim” refers to “Beis Pharaoh”, where Bnei Yisroel were Pharaoh’s direct servants.6 By placing Moshe in charge of Beis Pharaoh, Pharaoh was appointing Moshe as the Minister over Jewish Affairs. Since Moshe was now in a position where he could assist his brethren, he went out to see what actions he could take to ease their hardship. This interpretation is supported by the Midrash which comments on this verse that Moshe instituted that Bnei Yisroel would be given Shabbos as a day of rest.7
1.2:11 2.2:10 3.2:11 4.Ibid 5.20:2 6.Ibid 7.Shemos Rabbah 1:28
Another possible pshat: the second growth referred to spiritual growth.
Reminds me of a story that i read about R’ Shach zt’l; in one occasion , he asked a talmid to drive him to the kvura of a older Lady; It was a cold day, and after the kvura took place, R’ Shach wanted to stay longer , and he was visibly experiencing the cold of the day; When questioned, he explained that the Lady allowed him to stay in her attic during a dangerous period in Europe, and she provided him with food there, while hiding him. He still wanted to feel
Some of the cold he experienced there, to remind him of the chesed he received from the nifteres; To feel the pain for another Yid, enables us to daven for them in a deeper way.
Possibly , this was also Moshe Rabeinu intention;
Who really cares if the men posting here can “detect some sarcasm” if the women actually reading the magazine feel slighted?
I have not read the article but pointless articles such as this one are the reason I can’t stand most Jewish weekly magazines . Full of nonsense.
The Mishapacha magazine is known to share real life scenarios through articles, interviews, stories, interviews and letters. This is a real life musing of a Yeshiva Bochur discussing his dating life experiences. What is wrong with him sharing his own thoughts? The truth can sometimes be painful but part of being a mature adult (ready to get married) is to accept other people’s point of view even if you don’t necessarily agree to it.