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You should be thankful more being reminded that you are in galus.
a serious bachur wearing a sweater is no doubt the greatest threat facing the klall. There should be mandatory attendance asifas to address it. Community resources must be committed to resolve it.
Sarcasm doesn’t carry well in a text.
Let’s just say I expressed your sentiments in stronger words.
A shadchan who specializes in perfection. Who only seeks to match the perfect with the perfect.
Does such a thing exist? Does our community produce this mentality? Shame.
How elitist and insulting to the rest of us.
40 days before these perfect people are born, are they matched only with each other?
If you want to, tell, if you don’t, then don’t. Why do we complicate such things?
Does anyone know of a tzedakah in ny that offers rides, or matches drivers to those needing rides? I called chesed of boro park but was told not to bother because I’m not (yet) married and therefore, in their eyes, not reliable.
rebshidduch- then you get yourself a new/another shadchan. Plenty of fish in the sea.
He who would pun would pick a pocket.
Indeed, what makes a good shadchan? Those of us either dating or married, have dealt with many shadchanim. What were the qualities of a good shadchan that made him/her, in your opinion, good? What ‘standards and practices’ should all shadchanim follow?
lightbrite- it’s not about avoiding talking and opening. But doing everything one can do to invest in a relationship and move it forward.
Mussar47 – thanks for the great contribution to the discussion. What do you think think of gifts, or leaving notes? Of mild romantic gestures?
lilmod ulelamaid- in dating, how is it possible to never hurt someone, however much you try?
Say you’ve got out with a guy 5 times, or so, and he’s really starting to like, and is under the impression things are going well. But you’re not feeling it. So you end it. He’ll be hurt, and no amount of words or mechila will change that.
This is the risk we take when we date and allow ourselves to get emotionally involved.
lilmod ulelamaid- it certainly isn’t my intention to make u feel bad.
I don’t know how I feel about being asked mechila, never have.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to go about dating without getting hurt and hurting someone else. It’s just not possible. There are many things about dating I wish I was told early on. But this is something someone should tell us. That you will get hurt and you will hurt someone not deserving of it.
lilmod ulelamaid +1
If the guy really likes the girl, he will be consumed with thoughts on how to move the relationship forward, take it to the next level. Things like giving gifts require a lot of thought and listening to the girl. It really is a lot of work. Sometimes I wonder if the girls realize how much work a guy might put in, while being careful not to come on too strongly.
Wow, everyone offered real good advice. This thread is looking like a community, isn’t it?
lightbrite- thanks for the kind words, I agree with everything you wrote.
The next question is what kind of gifts to give and how/when/where to give them.
Also, all this doesn’t only apply to gifts. What about randomly given or placed cards or notes? Something as simple as a handwritten note wishing your date or fiance a good day. Or a greeting card with an added personal note.
They say, if you want to get to like someone, feel closer to, give a gift.
What about the giving of gifts, or small gestures, to help foster that emotional connection?
The issue of love with in marriage has been brought up here. Does the frum world discuss this enough, not enough?
Would you agree with someone ending a relationship due to lack of emotional connection, even if the other party has everything this person is looking for?
Let’s also stipulate that there should be a love before marriage, but there are many levels of love. There’s the strong attraction, healthy infatuation, at first. That, over many years together, through ups and downs, blossoms into a deep love.
A shame such discussions almost never happen in our world. So many of us go into dating blind to what we should expect and feel.
“Secular fairy tale “love” stories always end with, “and they lived happily ever after” right when the real love story is supposed to be beginning!”
That’s fantastically correct. Who knows how many marriages, in the secular world and in ours, could be salvaged if the culture understood this.
lilmod ulelamaid- thanks for that heartfelt post. I’m sure many girls feel like you do.
“…because my life is meaningless since I’m a girl and have no chiyuv to learn, and my only purpose in life is to support someone in Kollel.”
That line is like a stab to the heart. How tragic that girls today are getting such a message.
How do you mean it’s not encouraged as much as it should?
I know, this a serious topic. Why do the frivolous threads get more responses than this?
This talk got me thinking. Say your dating someone and it’s getting serious, are there any strategies you and your date could use to help reach that connection? Things to do, things to say?
Any married folks with insight?
That’s a good question. What is meant by emotional connection?
Great ansers.
What if the guy and girl have great chemistry, they praise and appreciate each other, and hashkafos, aspirations, personality, temperament, are the same. Does that lead to an emotional connection? A deep one?
Boy first, girl first, who cares? Why do we put up such obstacles to making a shiduch?
benignuman- if so many of the Rosh Yeshiva are not protesting loudly to choice of dating venues, maybe there is simply nothing wrong with those venues at all.
And when they forget to put the thing in park and it just drifts away…
lilmod ulelamaid- I don’t think anyone has numbers to back it up. It’s an assumption we all make because it’s something we want to believe is true. The frummer we are = the more restrictive the dating is = less divorce.
Sp let’s assume that it is in fact true. Does fewer divorces automatically mean happier marriages?
“I agree with you 100% that the more Yeshivish the community the less divorces (in general, imho).”
How do we know this? Are there numbers to back it up?