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  • in reply to: When I was younger I thought…Now I realize that…. #1023326
    Bookworm120
    Participant
    in reply to: Jokes #1202388
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I want to try my hand at this too! πŸ˜€

    *Can you cry under water?*

    Theoretically, yes.

    *How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?*

    Hm…. Important enough that people publicly hate them.

    *Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?*

    Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to say I was a stingy person. Y’know?

    *Why does a round pizza come in a square box?*

    So you can fit the spice packets in the corners, and it’s easier to pull the slices out.

    *How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?*

    Because on the moon, there is less gravity, so we figured it might be easier to just live on the moon so that schlepping heavy suitcases would be less of a schlep.

    *Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?*

    Because, in two hour increments, babies sleep very well. As we get older, we require constant sleep for eight hours straight, but we can still sleep as comfortably.

    *If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?*

    Because the judge hears everything.

    *Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?*

    Because movies are bigger on the inside. I dunno!

    *Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?*

    Because they have no appreciation of money. And then when the vertigo sets in, you waste all the money you spent on your lunch.

    *Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

    They’re going to see you naked anyway.*

    Good question.

    *Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?*

    Because there are plenty of indecent humans out there.

    *If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?*

    Humans always see patterns in things that aren’t there.

    *If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?*

    Quite the opposite, actually. Leave it to morons to keep lowering society’s standards of morality!

    *Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?*

    I’m afraid so.

    *Why did you just try singing the two songs above?*

    I didn’t. I played them in my head.

    *Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?*

    What an irony! I’ve never tried blowing in a dog’s face, but that’s probably because I know someone with a Caucasian Shepherd.

    *Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?*

    Because we never want to give up hope.

    *Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?*

    Because they’re money-hungry fools out to make us poor!

    *Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?*

    Because they can relate to something so minor and insignificant like wet paint. It isn’t practical to fly out into space and count the stars.

    *Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?*

    Because one wouldn’t want the needle to be accidentally exposed to the antidote for the lethal substance.

    *whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?*

    Sean Connery, of course. His name is really pronounced “Sawn” but he pronounces it “Shawn” therefore it stuck.

    Or so I believe. I could be wrong.

    And don’t call me Junior.

    *If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?*

    Because “Planet of the Humans” would be such a boring movie.

    *Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?*

    Because bathwater is racist.

    *Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?*

    Shavuos. Everyone’s up all night learning Torah.

    *Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?*

    Because it’s fun to let the cool air blow in your face. Well, unless you’re a dog.

    *Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?*

    Because if you reposition it just right, maybe the vacuum will suck it up.

    *Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?*

    The designers are evil.

    *How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?*

    They fly above the enclosure where there’s a small crack where only something as tiny as a bug could get in. They promptly get zapped and die. Simple.

    *When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’*

    Because it’s the polite thing to do and I don’t like arguing with strangers. Besides, if you make them angry, they might ram you again!

    *Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?*

    What an excellent opportunity to see both Newton’s laws of motion and Murphy’s law in action at once!

    *In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?*

    Because it’s human nature to never be satisfied with what we’ve got. Straight-haired people always want curly hair and vice-versa.

    *How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?*

    Because fathers-in-law aren’t as temperamental.

    in reply to: Advertisements for a Web Filtering Service #975795
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I don’t want to meddle, but I’m a little concerned now that this thread has gone a bit off topic. I didn’t start this thread to debate the cause of addictions or who is particularly vulnerable to them. I guess my addendum was a bit … provocative, and I apologize for that.

    If you’d like to discuss any alternative ways for the filter creators to advertise their product, that was what I intended this thread for.

    in reply to: I love my mirror #973811
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Same here. Funny how the mirrors in the dentist’s office are always so much clearer…. And the nerve of the hygienist to tell me I need to clean MINE better (in ADDITION to my teeth, which looked fine in my mirror)!

    in reply to: Advertisements for a Web Filtering Service #975783
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @LevAryehBoy – I don’t believe anyone has visited adult sites on my computer. I’m just saying that theoretically popup ads or just ads in general are annoying. But thanks for the tip. I do that from time to time. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: Why Do People Speak This Way? #1008409
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Thank you, mods!

    in reply to: Why Do People Speak This Way? #1008408
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @live right – so true! πŸ˜€

    Mods: I think we’ve gotten to the point where we aren’t talking exclusively about Yeshivish people, rather people in general. So that nobody reading this forms a negative impression of Yeshivish Jewry, might you consider changing the thread’s title to something along the lines of “Why Do People Speak This Way?”

    in reply to: Advertisements for a Web Filtering Service #975778
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @live right – I probably look like a velociraptor. JK! And you’re probably right, it can happen any way.

    Btw, just a FYI for everyone, (hey, that’s two abbreviations!) I don’t intend to start a debate, I’m just wondering if anyone has any ideas regarding alternative ways for this company to convey this powerful message. I can’t speak for everyone else, but this one wasn’t effective for me. I apologize if anything I said came out overly antagonistic – I was fasting at the time.

    It’s true, any exposure to inappropriate stuff is unfortunately very damaging. What I’d really like to see filtered out are the stuff that come up by accident, like annoying (and sometimes inappropriate) popup ads on completely innocent websites. I use an ad blocker because I don’t like being annoyed in general.

    And to put out a suggestion to all web filtering services, frum and frei alike, does anyone have a solution to hiding YouTube’s related videos? About 85% of the time, YouTube blocks out the really schmutzdik stuff, but you know how people can spend hours watching cat videos? Even tame things (like cat videos) can be addicting in an innocent but time-consuming way. Y’know?

    in reply to: Now that Rosh Hashana is over are you going back to your old ways? #974231
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Well, I’m back on the Coffee Room. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: Joke: Lakewood Pirkei Avos #973168
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    It’s the Ten Days of Repentance but I will laugh at this.

    in reply to: Why Do People Speak This Way? #1008405
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    This Rosh Hashana, I overheard someone say, “We’re eating by the … family.” I had to hold back from flying right up to their face and correcting them. (No, don’t take that literally – I’m not Tinkerbell. I wear ossur items like denim skirts, quite unlike Tinkerbell.)

    in reply to: ChiropractorοΏ½Believe It or Not #973157
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I highly recommend chiropractic care. Trust me, it’s worth it. I’d be the Hunchback of the Coffee Room if not for my chiropractor. Sitting up straight in front of my computer as I type away in the CR is a bit of a challenge. πŸ˜›

    in reply to: Why Do People Speak This Way? #1008403
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Exactly! πŸ˜€ And this isn’t limited to Yeshivish people sometimes either…. If I ever do a comedy skit, I just might include a lot of these as examples.

    in reply to: When strangers try to set you up #1009619
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I’d be pretty creeped out if someone tried to “ship” me with someone at random like that, especially if it’s someone who barely knows me. I’m not a character in a fanfiction – I’m a real person, for goodness’ sake! You can’t just write out a “character” if the match you just tried to set up fails epically! (And there I go speaking nerd-style.)

    Personally, I would only set up people if I knew they’d honestly have something in common; otherwise, I wouldn’t try to meddle with someone’s personal life like that. And, of course, I’d only say anything at all if they tell me they want my advice.

    in reply to: Why Do People Speak This Way? #1008401
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @dotnetter – I had a conversation with someone and it went something like this.

    Person: So she and I got into this huge argument….

    Me: Uh-huh.

    Person: And she was like, “Whatever.” And I was like, “What-EVER!” And then she went, “wutever.”

    Me: *nodding head sympathetically* Yup. Okay.

    in reply to: Why Do People Speak This Way? #1008400
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    The two things I hear a lot are:

    “You want?” This is as opposed to “Would you like this *insert thing here*?”

    “Does your mommy let?” This is as opposed to “Does your mommy allow you to do this?”

    I don’t know if I should bother correcting people when I hear this. Conversely, I can barely get by in Yiddish, so who am I to judge?

    By the way, I’ve made such an effort to not say “I’m eating by the So-and-so’s this Shabbos.” I now say “I’m eating with…” because this thread has enlightened me. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: The CR forgiveness thread #973112
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    You’ve done nothing but make me feel extremely welcome, Shopping613! I hope you forgive me if I’ve ever been snippy to you or anyone else here. K’siva v’chasima tova to all of you. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: I don't like eating silver foil #973366
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @smartcookie – It’s smart to bake cookies on parchment paper too. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: I don't like eating silver foil #973363
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @LevAryehBoy – that’s why I never eat button candy! Blech! XP

    in reply to: What is your favorite flavor of soda? #1185060
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @Ender – gosh, you’re right…. I suppose ginger ale is my 2nd-favorite. Honestly, I don’t drink it so much but in the spirit of a sweet new year, I’ll probably have some soda over kiddush this yom tov. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: Wedding Music Suggestions #972850
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @notasheep – I’ll make note of that, as it’d be great for a Jewish version of the Inappropriate Wedding Songs skit. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: What is your favorite flavor of soda? #1185054
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I drink cream soda now. Cream sodas are cool.

    in reply to: No Messiah in Tennessee #972844
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    To everyone wondering about Sephardim and Bucharians with the name Mashiach, I think they use it only as a surname, not a first name.

    in reply to: How can I buy tickets to Eretz Yisroel for under $800 NOW? #972764
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Same! I’d also love to know!

    in reply to: Any frum Beatle fans? #982507
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    There are some lovely string quartet arrangements of Beatles songs – I own an album of orchestral arrangements as well. Okay, so not all of them do the original songs justice, but the ones that actually stay on tempo and don’t deviate from the tune are fantastic!

    in reply to: Wedding Music Suggestions #972848
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Not to jinx your plans (Mazel Tov, btw!) but has anyone seen Tim Hawkins’s video about what songs NOT to play at a wedding? (He’s a goy, but his comedy skits are clean.) The video might bring a smile to your face if you’re getting overwhelmed by planning. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: How Crazy Dangerous Is This? #972449
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    This would be so fun, but if I went, I’d bring my trusty velociraptors with me in case we run into any stalkers. πŸ˜‰

    in reply to: The Chumrah Song #1077084
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I did watch the video! πŸ™‚ Now I’ve got the line “I’m so ‘frim'” running through my head…. I really enjoyed the shidduch date video too. Made me feel pretty self-conscious, as I happened to be wearing an ossur item called a denim skirt at the time that I saw it. πŸ˜€

    Suggestion: Can your next video be a non-rap song? Maybe a parody of a classic rock song? Those are always fun to do.

    in reply to: Single Girl Doesn't Wanna Cover Hair #1036112
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Well, one thing’s for sure — it would be incredibly difficult for Herminoe to wear a sheitel over all that hair! πŸ˜€

    in reply to: Husband-Friendly Stuffed Peppers #972352
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    This sounds yummy! I don’t like red peppers so much (unless they’re crushed and dried and on a pizza), but with this recipe, I just might reconsider…..

    in reply to: Any frum Beatle fans? #982500
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @writersoul — It’s fine! I simply wasn’t taught properly how to speak modern conversational Hebrew, so I can appreciate any pointers you’ve got to offer! I understand there’s already someone already serving that role for English. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: Subtitles? #972383
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I love it! πŸ˜€

    in reply to: Subtitles? #972381
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Is it bad that I like it? πŸ™‚

    in reply to: Subtitles? #972379
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Woohoo! Thank you for the subtitle, you wonderful bunch of moderators!!!

    in reply to: Baby Gemach #972360
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    LOL! I used to run a pencil gemach in school, because everyone for some reason wanted to borrow mine. And then there was the time I charged 5 cents a tissue for the same reason (although they only wanted to borrow my unused ones and I didn’t require them to give the tissues back when they were finished). Unfortunately, none of my get rich plans ever worked…. I wonder why.

    in reply to: Interviews: Funny answers to trick questions #972487
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    LOL! This name is already taken, you crack me up!!! πŸ˜€

    And this is old, but frumladygit, I LOVE all of those ideas. The one about decorating the bus window reminds me of a scene in a Gadi Pollack comic book…. Anyone remember the one about that guy Fishel who went on a train?

    in reply to: Kugel recipe #972055
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    I want one too — I love Yerushalmi kugel!

    I know this family who makes the best kugel ever, but I’m always too shy to ask what type it is and how to make it (because then they’d think I’m not a partial ignoramus, but a complete one).

    I could describe it as being made of noodles, brown in color (perhaps they’re using a sauce?), with lots of black pepper and spices, but it’s slightly sweet…. It’s so good, and I wish I had the recipe for that, because I would seriously share it with you!

    in reply to: Country Yossi? #972050
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Awesome! Someone please let me know if I’m ever mentioned, ‘coz I want to be able to autograph it for my friends and family. πŸ˜›

    “Cholent, cholent, ch-ch-ch-cholent!” That song made me scared to try the food when I was little, seriously!

    in reply to: Subtitles? #972378
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Aw, please don’t close it! πŸ™


    @Shopping613
    — velociraptors are these scary dinosaurs from Jurassic Park with 6-inch claws. See why I don’t like ’em? πŸ˜‰

    I think we should be allowed to pick our own subtitles, but that’s just my humble opinion. πŸ™‚

    in reply to: Clarification #972020
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    My friend the raccoon agrees completely with you.

    in reply to: Best way to break in with nine-inch stilettos before Yom Tov? #1141928
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @This name is already taken — Well put! πŸ˜€

    But my mail is made of Mithril, fresh from a dwarven mine. Houdini ate it all the time, which is what gave him a stomach of stainless steel (although they seemed to have mistaken their metals at the time), but, well, he’d missed elevenses the day he got punched in the stomach and….

    in reply to: Any frum Beatle fans? #982497
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @Writersoul — I’d better prep next time, lol! He must’ve said “atem” but I mistyped “atah!” πŸ˜€ I dread the day when Justin Beaver (oh, did I accidentally call him that?) and Lady Gag Me become “oldies” too….

    in reply to: I'm a Drug Addict #972042
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Um…. Okay, I could see how that might be funny, but after what I’ve read about people melting candy in a pot with juice and Robitussin, I just can’t bring myself to laugh.

    in reply to: Any frum Beatle fans? #982493
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Orthodox shuls need to start davening to Beatles AND Dylan tunes!

    I think Lenny Solomon’s helping to pave that path. It’d definitely make davening in shul a lot of fun, and I wouldn’t get as sleepy or unsure of where I’m going to next Shabbos when they start singing…. πŸ˜‰

    in reply to: Best way to break in with nine-inch stilettos before Yom Tov? #1141926
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Because in mailboxes, not only can you hold your lunch, but your mail as well. πŸ˜›

    in reply to: Any frum Beatle fans? #982491
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @The Frumguy — That’s so precious!

    I love Liverpudlian accents — watching Help! really “helped” me to appreciate ’em. I saw a video on YouTube of Sir Paul encouraging the the Israeli audience to sing with him (“Atah shiru iti”) and then I smiled amusedly as the audience sang “Hey Jude” with Israeli accents…. πŸ˜€

    @Hanab — Remember, Yoko Ono helped write that song, so if anything goes wrong, we could theoretically just blame her, right? πŸ˜›

    I wouldn’t fret over the lyrics anyhow. πŸ™‚ I think John just wanted the world to be a peaceful place, and his proposed solution was to eliminate all factors of this current world that he felt were causing unpeaceful controversy. If we could live in a world where people didn’t hurt others in the name of their bogus other religions (like Islam), I’d be pretty cool with that.

    in reply to: Is it better to…? #971932
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Theoretically, I would think that it would be better to break an engagement instead of getting a divorce, because with an engagement, you aren’t even married yet, so it’s a lot simpler. Um…. Did that make much sense?

    in reply to: Any frum Beatle fans? #982488
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @Lakewood001 — Neither am I, to be honest. πŸ˜€ This one was a rare gem!

    in reply to: Best way to break in with nine-inch stilettos before Yom Tov? #1141919
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    @Shopping613 — Aw, thanks! πŸ™‚ Wait … OH MY GOSH, HER FRIENDS EAT KNIVES!!! :O

    in reply to: Best way to break in with nine-inch stilettos before Yom Tov? #1141918
    Bookworm120
    Participant

    Hm…. That’d still be pretty uncomfortable. How would one break in a 6 inch velociraptor claw then? I wear one in my archaeologist’s satchel. πŸ™‚

Viewing 50 posts - 701 through 750 (of 766 total)