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What is the reason for changing?
I would venture to guess the largest cities would be the primary targets. So perhaps living in a less densely populated area would reduce your chances of getting hit.
Joseph- they are doing it because Hashem made women that they have a very deep desire to to be desired to be wanted and to be loved. True they aren’t going to really get what they really want. But this is how Hahshem made women. This should be used for the husband but there is a yetzer horah. He changes or focus and makes excuses and justifications. The girls look in the mirror for half an hour at every part and see that everything is just perfect. Try want to be looked at.
Likewise Hashem made men that they want to look etc. This too is to be used in marriage and that’s is how it should be and is good when used properly. But again the yetzer horah tries to get men to misuse this.
Anyone who does an aveira is overcome by a ruach shtus. The yetzer provides all the excuses and justifications. Oh this reberzen wears this type of thing. Oh these 6inch heals are so comfortable. Tight is so much more comfortable so what if I have to take little steps bc I can’t move my legs.
A great speaker makes his speech look like he is just talking off the top of his head. He is able to.do.this bc he practiced for hours. You don’t look dressed to kill by accident. It took hours of shopping and thinking and comparing to get it just right.
Lilmod – good point. I think though that girls know exactly what they are doing when they get dressed. They aren’t spending an hour getting dressed for a chasuna and not knowing what they are doing.
Haimy – you are quick to dismiss one possible explanation for a higher retention rate for another without evidence to support your claim. It’s possible that there are more drum couples unhappily married or perhaps not. If someone was going to research this they would have to look at . The percentage of divorces over time and how many of those were for valid reasons. And the percentage of married couples over time and the quality of their marriages. These are hard things to measure. But I think most people believe that there is a crisis in marriage in general and things are worse than they used to be leading to more divorces and more unhappy marriages.
If you aren’t going to move or run for mayor the best thing to do is accept it. Leave a little earlier. Realize how long it will take to get places. Listen to a Shiur in the car, make phone calls on Bluetooth. It’s all about managing expectations. People in NY and Shanghai know it takes time to go half a mile. Lakewood isn’t the same place as it was 20yrs ago.
To me judgemental is not about acknowledging facts. It’s about judging people for doing it. So for example someone isn’t tznius that’s a fact. But you can chose to think they are trying hard and are on their way up or think they are bad.
However when people complain about others being judgemental I don’t think this is the real issue MOST OF THE TIME. I think the issue is that people don’t want to keep halachah and when they see people who are they feel judged and instead want to be justified in their behavior by being around others who do what they do.
If I walk I to a shul and I’m the only guy with a blue shirt I may feel weird and judged. But the problem isn’t the people there it’s me. Now if I don’t want to be part of such a place then I could go somewhere else.
In some out-of-town places there is one or two “frum school. So you get a much bigger mix of people. Meaning people who are far more laks in their observance. So if by less judgemental you mean will you find people who will accept your Scotia be they are doing it to. The answer is yes. But there are mixes in NY and Lakewood too. Maybe just not as open or as widespread be there are more school options so communities are more divided. In general I would say the more one works on themselves the less they look down on others and more accepting and loving of others they are.
What’s the difference between less judgement and a mind set? Which members of the community are you talked ng about? Are these MO out of of town communities? Yeshivish? Modern? Judgemental about what?
Just bc he said so doesn’t make it true.
Some people use bad experiences to grow. However overall it has a negative affect otherwise it would be better to be safe and parent so your kids could learn not be be like you. Obviously that’s not right. Being a good parent in a good marriage gives kids a higher chance than having bad roll models.
How about when the person will not listen?
People don’t cause climate change guns I mean pollution causes climate change.
They way to get confidence in making decisions it to make successful smaller ones and build up to bigger ones. So this should start at a very young age 2 or 3. Unfortunately our school system is not set up for this.
Also there are lots of people with lots of different hashkafos. So a girl from BY x can vary greatly. By chassidish where you both follow the same rebbe things are a but easier on that front. Also it could be more is known about the families.
In an ideal world less dating is better. However given the current state of affairs some people need more time. Others may need a push. This is not something to be taken lightly and each case is different.
Craigslist
Lesschumras – 20% of the US are on food stamps and I don’t think it’s bc they are all learning in yeshivah. Many have Masters and PhD. Hashem decides who will be poor and rich. It’s not for us to judge. If we have we should be great full to Hashem and give what we can bsimcha. It’s much better to be on the giving end then the receiving.
Avik – if you were poor you would not expect others to buy you a RR. But if you needed a car to get to work perhaps a down payment on a used car.
Rebyid – isn’t that what they said in sedom? I think you’re supposed to give according to what the person is accustomed too. I also think considering what you would want for yourself is helpful. For example one may be tempted to say hey they could eat potatoes three times a day. Well i would hope if I was poor I’d be able to eat at least xyz.
Mamale- children of divorced home are more likely to get divorced.
If someone asks you to move should you?
Is making kavua your seat or within 4 Amos radios?Use lean meat or ground chicken or turkey.
First come first serve. Unless you have a name on your spot or.a shtender.
They have done “twin studies”. Where they look at identical twins that were separated at birth and see how they turn out. I saw one that said both ended up being firemen and had s dog with the same name.or something there were lots of similarities in their lives. There is nature and nurture and bachira that all play a role.
Modesty – recognizing it is half the battle so your at least half way there. Davening is more productive.
I’ve heard of this too. Is this Yeshivah a for profit institution? Bc the one I know about is.
I know some are against moving to places without a Orthodox community. But I agree that it must be a big miseras nefesh. It’s not like going to kollel with a bunch of your friends getting paid to learn for a few years. You are going on your own far away from friends and family, kosher food minyanim, mikvah. And it’s not for an extended well paid vacation. It’s a long term commitment and I’m not sure how the finances work but they have to raise alot of the money themselves. It’s not pashut to dedicate your entire life to serving others. Having your home open all the time for anyone.
Yanky- I didn’t comment about what people said about converting people. Its true that some secular Jews are makpid not to intermarry but 80% or so aren’t. The point is telling people what to do doesn’t work. Try getting people to stop using internet, dress tzinusly, stop talking in shul or whatever else. Frum or not frum. Going around bossing people around doesn’t make people change. At least it doesn’t work for me maybe it does for others.
Modesty – it sounds like you’re very self aware and sincere in your desire to change. Hashem leads us in the way we want to go.
Could you elaborate on what you said above about girls wanting to dress not tzniusly for themselves not others. Does this mean if a girl is home for the day and not going out sue will want to dress up and put on makeup and walk around the house in high heels? Id think she’s putting all this time effort and discomfort to attract attention from others. Now what kind of attention does one get by wearing tight short clothes that accentuate her figure? I think I understand that it’s about the feeling I get when I get attention. And my intention isn’t to caused others to do aveiros. But it’s the inconvenient reality that it does place a stumbling block before others by making them want to look and encouraging others to dress in the same way.
Also can’t a man claim the same thing? It’s not that I want her to do any aveiros it’s just that I like looking? But it’s assur so you can’t. Just as it’s assure to dress that way.
Joseph – you wanted to know how to mkarev this guy. Stabbing him and his wife with a spear isn’t going to do the trick. (Because he would be dead). It seems your real goal is how to force others to observe the Torah. Maybe you can try and get a Sanhedrin set up. Or you could try buying a spear and the rest of us will wait to read the headlines on YWN.
It’s 100% true that we someone shouldn’t marry a goy. And it would be wonderful if a beis din could take care of it. But they can’t. So we have to deal with the situation we are given. That doesn’t mean we tell people to intermarry. You could give shiurim about the halacha and hashkaficly of the Torah. You coudl daven that we should more clearly see Hashem and understand his Torah. I don’t see any more effective approach. We shouldn’t be like reform changing the rules and accepting what they do. But you asked how to mekarev someone intermarried. And that’s the question I’m trying to answer.
Joseph – I didn’t notice know 150 yrs ago they were giving malkus in Europe. however today we don’t have that any more. And kiruv rabbis can’t take their place. Sure having a Sanhedrin would be great but we don’t have it.
I appreciate your dedication to halacha and desire for others to keep the Torah. I think however there is something lacking in your approach. There is a lack of sensitive and sympathy for others. The ways of the Torah are derchei Noam. When you spend time with people who have really worked on themselves and are real Torah Jews you can see this. You may be right about certain halachos. But it’s clear from all the reactions you get that something is off. You are not spreading Shalom your not encouraging people here. There is something lacking. A lack of empathy and trying to understand things from others perspective. A lack of understanding that people are humans and not dogs who can be trained with carrots and sticks.
Joseph- since creation people have been doing aveiros. Hashem could stop it but he doesn’t. He lets us choose what to do whether good or bad. All we can do is educate others and the best way is by being a good role model and loving others. When people see someone real they often want to be more like them. That could lead to real lasting change and growth. Its beis din Job to keep law and order not the job of kiruv rabbis.
It’s possible. However there have been many times in history with crazy things happening. Think of the Holocaust. And it seemed like mashiach must have been right around the corner. So maybe he is coming tomorrow and maybe not. Our job is to be the best we can be and hope and daven for the time we could serve Hashem in peace. I don’t think it’s productive to spend too much effort trying to predict the future. It will happen when it happens and hopefully sooner rather than later. In the meantime we have work to do.
The people I’ve seen doing kiruv do it by teaching Torah, inviting people to their homes, being open and loving. Listening and spending time with them. Singing and have Shabbos together. I never heard of a kiruv rabbi directly trying to make someone do or not do something. A kiruv rabbi isn’t a beis din or police man. People need to make changes at their own pace. Lasting change can’t be forced. That leads to resentment. People have to be encouraged and supported. It’s not our job to judge others. Rather to love them and be there for them. That doesn’t mean it’s ok to do aveiros. It just means understanding that we can’t control others. Hashem doesn’t do it and neither should we.
There are people who are stuck in marriages bc even though they are being mistreated they feel like it’s wrong to get divorced or they are better off in a bad marriage than being alone or they won’t be able to find someone else. Once you know you’re being a good husband and doing your best and it’s still not helping the answers might be divorce. Sure it’s horrible but some times horrible things happen. It’s also horrible for kids to grow up learning how to be a a parent from someone who abused their spouse and from another who takes the abuse.
The little I know – some great points. Family and friends can often make things worse. Instead of helping the marriage they stoke the flames and encourage war. Same can happen with therapists. Also the part about not disclosing is also a huge one. People don’t want to share negative things about them selves and references don’t want to be responsible for breaking a shiduch. Mental health is another big one.
People know that divorce isn’t an easy way out. They speak to people they know who are divorced who tell them it’s hard
They know what it does to kids. People get divorced as a last resort.Failed marriages are very unfortunate. They are a symptom of other issues. The solution to which is not to keep people in unhealthy relationships. Those which aren’t being fixed should end.
Joseph- There are lots of people who stay married and the kids also suffer and feel guilty believing they are responsible for their parents bad relationship. The only good solution is for the parent or parents to improve. Divorce isn’t a solution in itself and neither is staying married. But if the marriage isn’t getting better it’s probably time for divorce.
Yytz- that could work in many cases. However in cases of abuse it’s not the victim’s fault. They could change all they want and it’s not going to help. Sometimes there are people who take advantage of others. Like good guys who read garden of peace and try and do the right thing.