MorahRach, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through — may Hashem bless your (extended) family with peace and abundance.

Practically, I wonder if maybe your husband should ask again for money? Even a “loan”? (That’s how my dad would do it with his dad, who would say OK, it’s a loan but don’t be in a hurry to pay it back.) Maybe somehow they will say yes this time. As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Spiritually, we are taught that our income is determined on Rosh HaShana/Yom Kippur. So there’s no reason to be angry at other people about their role in our income because it’s all up to Hashem, based on what he’s already decided. It may sound like unusual advice, but chassidic rabbi and bestselling author Shalom Arush would advise to spend several minutes every day in personal prayer in your own words, thanking Hashem for giving you this challenge, because like everything it must be for the very best, and asking Hashem to help you with it (to not be angry with your in-laws, to have more income, to be happy and thankful for what you have, etc.) In his book on the subject he gives numerous examples of miracles that have occurred after people resolved to start giving thanks for their troubles. It may sound weird but you can understand how it’s a way to build emunah/bitachon. It’s like King David said: “He who trusts in Hashem, kindness will surround him.” (Tehillim 32:10).

Jews have been drinking coffee and tea for numerous generations with few problems. I believe coffee was popular and available from about the time of the tsfat kabbalists 500 years ago. In Eastern Europe tea was more popular. On this subject, does anyone have any anecdotes about gedolim of today or the past drinking coffee or tea?

Perhaps you could allow your son to drink two cups of coffee or tea a day if he needs energy, as long as he doesn’t drink the second cup past noon or 1pm?

However, he thing about caffeine is that it can easily disrupt sleep, and teenagers need way more sleep than they get. Teenagers are biologically programmed to want to stay up late and sleep in late. But the school schedule forces them to get up early. So what they really need to do is go to bed really early, like 9pm, even though they don’t feel like it.

There’s also the possibility that stimulant use (such as caffeine) can lead to anxiety or other psychological or behavioral problems. After all, teenagers are moody and their brains are still developing.

A better way to have more energy and concentrate very well is to get aerobic exercise. Studies show it’s more effective and longer-lasting that caffeine, and it increases mood (not to mention making you healthy and preventing obesity). Teens should get up and run around every hour or two to get their energy levels up, and maybe have a quick snack to compensate for the calories they burned.

Join a shul wear most or all men wear black hats, wear a black hat yourself, wear white shirts and a black kippa only (velvet or non-knitted cloth), base your halachic practice and hashkafic views on those of yeshivish gedolim, adopt the minhagim of people at your new community, etc. But there’s a lot of variation and there’s not one set of practices you need to adopt.

“Charedi” is a general term for Orthodox Jews who are not MO. That includes Yeshivish, Chassidim, and some Sephardim like those associated with the Shas party in Israel. Outsiders refer to all non-chassidic charedim as Yeshivish but in “Yeshivish” circles people mean something slightly different and more specific by Yeshivish. So I know people who I and most people would call Yeshivish but they don’t call themselves that. As someone mentioned charedim is a term used mostly by outsiders.

MorahRach and Medium Sized Shadchan: Thanks for sharing! Very interesting.

Mods: Why are you letting through comments claiming that MO is apikorsus? Do you want this website to make frum Jews look like ignorant xenophobes who think everyone who isn’t just like them is a heretic? That’s what I asked in the last thread that was removed. Like someone else suggested, if there’s anything that’s going to make people go OTD it’s that kind of comment.

Medium sized shadchan: Just wondering, do/did some of the MO singles you deal with go to college at places other than YU/Stern?

Aurora: You may be right. It depends on how the law is structured. Policymakers may be hesitant to give doctors all the authority, because the vast majority of doctors are pro-choice. (Pro-life medical students report being harassed and ridiculed for their views). So perhaps the doctors will make a recommendation and then have a civil servant from some new government agency give a thumbs up or thumbs down? That could be a problem.

Regardless, the pro-lifers will never be happy with an amorphous law that allows abortions for “health” reasons (whether of the mother or fetus) if the mother’s life isn’t at stake. So those following more lenient halachic opinions would be denied the freedom to live according to Jewish law. But if they just left it up to the doctors, and they weren’t afraid of being criminally prosecuted for questionable abortions, then it might work out OK.

If Rowe v. Wade is overturned, I think a bunch of states will pass sweeping anti-abortion laws without much deliberation. The content of the laws will probably vary widely, depending on the nature of the pro-life movement in each states. I highly doubt many legislatures would take the concerns of Orthodox Jews into consideration.

By the way, I’m an attorney too (though I don’t practice in an abortion-related area). 🙂

MorahRach, I never said Romney would end all welfare. However, every serious analysis of his budgetary and tax proposals concludes that he would drastically cut spending for the needy. That shouldn’t be surprising, because that the mainstream Republican position at this time, touted by everyone in the leadership of the party, is to cut taxes for the wealthiest and pay for it with deep cuts to social spending. Look at the bills the House Republicans have proposed or passed, including Ryan’s budget plan, and you’ll get an idea of what I mean.

I don’t think it’s the case that there are loads of people laying around living off your dollar. Benefits in this country are generally much lower and less available than they are in other Western industrialized countries, including Israel. Food stamps and other benefits aren’t a huge amount of money. Most of them go to people who are working, but whose salaries are so low that they are under the poverty line. Most of the poor are the working poor. For those who aren’t working, often the problem is that they are taking care of children, are uneducated and have no job prospects, are sick or disabled, or have psychological or addiction problems. Lots of people need more help than they’re getting, especially more education, job-training and treatment for health and addiction problems. So our system certainly needs reform, but that’s not going to happen by drastically cutting everything.

MorahRach, working off the books is illegal — I certainly don’t approve of that. The law of the land is the law of the land, and we are ethically and halachically bound to follow it. And I think there should be some kind of relief for people like yourself who are double-taxed.

By the way, I don’t rely on the NY Times. I only cited a news story that quotes Romney’s ad about abortion. You can find the same news story in numerous sites on the Internet, including on pro-life and conservative sites.

You’re welcome, Aurora — I enjoy your posts too. There was an article on the NY Times yesterday about Romney’s abortion views. Apparently his campaign just released an ad on this topic. The ad says he supports abortion “to save a mother’s life.” In the past, he may have said he supports it for the mother’s “health.” But now, it seems to be just to save the mother’s life.

My problem is with who makes the decision. According to halacha, abortion is required if it would save the mother’s life. Only rabbi is qualified to decide when the halachic requirements are met. Sometimes what is considered a lethal condition in halacha is different from what is considered a lethal condition in secular terms. I’m sure this isn’t replicated in the abortion context, but even some seemingly minor conditions are sometimes considered a life-threatening condition for the purposes of violating the laws of Shabbos. For example, a charedi rabbi recently told me that there is no halachic problem with removing a splinter on Shabbos (even if it involved prohibited activities like squeezing), because it’s an internal injury that might become infected (of course, consult your local rabbi for a ruling on such issues). This is an extreme example — I’m sure most differences of opinion on abortion would be more subtle. The point is, what the government or a doctor will consider life-threatening is not necessarily the same as what a rabbi will.

Keep in mind that many pro-lifers in America, especially Catholics (since this is the Church’s official position) believe that abortion is wrong even if it would be necessary to save the life of the mother. If the doctor or bureaucrat involved in deciding whether the mother’s life is at stake is one of these hard-core pro-lifers with views diametrically opposed to the Torah position, then I wouldn’t exactly trust that person to make the decision.

This danger, I assume, is what halachic authorities such as Rav Moshe Feinstein opposed pro-life legislation. Nowadays, there are some Orthodox rabbis, such as R’ Yehudah Levin, who wholeheartedly support the pro-life movement. Yet just because some people are apparently convinced that the standard Republican positions are necessarily the Torah positions, doesn’t mean that’s the case.

If pro-lifers consistently gave us assurances that our rabbis would be allowed to make the final decision on whether an abortion is permissible, then that would alleviate my concerns. But they will never do so (it would be unconstitutional because it would only apply to Orthodox rabbis — many non-Orthodox rabbis believe abortion is often permitted and the approval of a rabbi is not required).

Oomis, I don’t understand how you can say that not voting at all is a vote for Obama. I guess that assumes I would be voting for Romney if it weren’t for his problematic abortion stance. But that’s not the case.

A few of each side’s positions, as I mentioned above, arguably violate the Torah. But most of them don’t. Though there are Torah sources that pertain to things such as taxes, environmental protection, health care, employment regulations, education, the criminal justice system and anti-poverty policies such as food stamps or job training (see a recent Chabad video series exploring these issues), there’s not necessarily a clear Torah position on these topics. It can go either way, depending on how you interpret the Torah, on which competing considerations are most important to you, and on which approach you believe is most effective, based on your view of the evidence.

In my view, the Democrats’ positions on most domestic policy issues, such as social spending, environmental protection, and health care, are based on a more correct understanding of the facts, and more likely to improve people’s lives. So I actually hope Obama wins.

Even though I oppose Obama’s Israel policy, it’s not much worse than Bush’s (he was responsible for the Gaza pullout, for example), and I doubt Romney’s would be much better in practice. I also think Democrats are naive when it comes to terrorism and “moderate” Islamists, but I don’t trust the Republicans on foreign policy either. Bush campaigned on a promise to stop “nation-building” but started a totally unnecessary and bloody war with Iraq to impose democracy on the country (Democracy, you might note, is a nice thing but it’s not exactly mentioned in the Torah, much less as a motive for war.)

Even so, I can’t bring myself to vote for someone (Obama) who believes Jews should be ethnically cleansed from East Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria (to make way for the Palestinian state, where Jews won’t be allowed). Just because the whole world believes that, doesn’t make it right — it’s always wrong to ban a religious or ethnic group from a country or area.

There is another quote in rabbinical literature, I don’t remember by whom, saying that people shouldn’t complain about having daughters because often the daughters end up bringing the parents more nachas than the sons.

Rashi had three daughters and no sons. So did the second-to-last Lubavitcher Rebbe. You didn’t hear them complaining. We should be happy with whatever Hashem gives us.

Oomis, I don’t think you understood my comment. Romney’s position IS against the Torah’s teachings. According to the Torah, abortion is permitted in some circumstances, if the life of the woman is at stake. Rabbis decide whether the life of the woman is at stake, according to halacha. If Romney’s position is enacted, Rabbis won’t be able to make that decision — instead, some government bureaucrat who knows nothing about the halacha will decide whether the woman’s life is at stake. So it will keep us from deciding on abortion based on halacha and rabbinic authority.

I agree that abortion is murder, at least unless it’s halachically mandated. That doesn’t mean the government should outlaw it. Restricting it, as pro-life people have managed to do so far, is fine, but outlawing it unless some bureaucrat approves it, gets in the way of the halachic process.

To follow up on my last comment, the explanation is in paragraph 224 (Ch. 31) in Horeb.

They don’t naturally go together — the Republican party has always been the party of big business, but since the 1980s used social issues to get poor whites to vote for them.

Against state regulation on social issues and economic issues: Libertarian. No countries are like this. Just a small minority of hard core ideologues.

Conservative on social issues and liberal on economic issues: Religious parties in Israel. The Democratic party before the 70s. Center-right parties in Europe. Probably most parties in Third World countries in Asia, Africa and Latin America.

Even within the two-party system there is room for variation. They are many Republicans who are moderate or liberal on social issues. There are some pro-life Democrats and still some who oppose toeva marriage. Many Democrats are pretty conservative on economic issues because of big business donors and lobbyists and the rightward shift in policy ideology since the 1980s.

On the question of “real” Kohanim and Levites, I’m not an expert on the halachic issues, but as I see it there are too ways to think about it. One is that there is such thing as a “real” Kohen or Levite, and when Moshiach comes he will (assuming he has ruach hakodesh) determine who is a real Kohen or Levite. Another perspective is that “the Torah is not in heaven,” as they say, and Hashem considers anyone who has inherited the status of a Kohen or Levite to in fact be a Kohen or Levite, regardless of whether genetic tests shows them to have the DNA signature. It’s kind of like the situation with mamzerim — unless I’m mistaken, even if one “objectively” should be a mamzer, halachically one is not a mamzer until people actually investigate and determine that one definitely is a mamzer. (For that reason some, including major poskim, have in some cases advised against investigating mamzer status.) One place to start for the halachic issues is Berachos 47b, which I believe discusses the concept of a “pasul” Levite with a Levite mother but non-Jewish father — I’m not sure where else to look.

Aurora: Thanks for the info — sounds interesting. I never meant to suggest that most Ashkenazim are descended from converts — only that, according to the studies I’ve seen, a certain amount of conversion has taken place and measurably affected the Jewish gene pool over the generations (which shouldn’t be surprising since Jews have nearly always accepted converts and they can’t have all been killed or failed to reproduce). The idea, popularized nowadays by the anti-Israel crowd, that most Ashkenazim are descended from the Khazars or other converts has certainly been debunked.

Frummy in the tummy, you may well be correct. Yale statistician Joseph Chang recently published a paper claiming that basically all of humanity is descended from every major historical figure. It may seem impossible, but (if I understand correctly) he claims that everyone of European ancestry is descended from Mohammed, and that virtually everyone in the world is descended from Egyptian pharaohs. If that’s true, we’re also all descendants of both Yaakov and Yishmael.

Think about it this way. Let’s say someone lived 1,000 years ago. That person had two descendants, and each of his descendants had an average of two descendants. Let’s say the average age of parenthood is 25. So that’s 40 generations. 2 to the power of 40 would be the number of his descendants. That number (one trillion) is many times larger than the present world population (about seven billion). This suggests that, for any person alive more than 1000 years ago, who has ancestors alive in the present day, most of humanity is that person’s descendant.

Although it may make sense mathematically, I think Chang’s argument doesn’t recognize that there are closed groups separated from the rest of humanity–to some extent Jews, even though a certain number of people have converted in every generation, but especially isolated indigenous peoples living in the Amazon rainforest or the New Guinea highlands.

Regardless, I think Chang’s work shows it doesn’t make sense to worry about who exactly is whose descendant. The approach cited above, to consider anyone living in an Arab country to be an Ishamaelite, makes the most sense.

“And God will give you mercy, and show mercy to you” (Deuteronomy 13:18). God will instill in you the trait of mercy and compassion; then He will “show mercy to you.” If one has mercy upon living creatures, Heaven will have mercy upon him (Shabbos 151b). However, if a person lacks mercy, there is no difference between him and a beast, which is not sensitive to the suffering of other creatures (Rabbi Yehudah HeChassid, Sefer Chassidim, 87).

“One should respect all creatures, recognizing in them the greatness of the Creator Who formed man with wisdom. All creatures are imbued with the Creator’s wisdom, which itself makes them greatly deserving of honor. The Maker of All, the Wise One Who transcends everything, is associated with His creatures in having made them. If one were to disparage them, God forbid, this would reflect upon the honor of their Maker.” (Ramak, Tomer Devorah, ch. 2).

Rabbiofberlin: Romney’s plans are not very specific but he has said he is going to cut $7 trillion in spending, which goes even farther than Ryan’s plans. Policy analysts looking at these proposals conclude that, given Romney’s statements about what he would and wouldn’t cut, millions of people would have to lose Medicare and Food Stamp benefits (among many other programs for the poor) to achieve that level of cuts. All current Republican budgetary plans (including Ryan’s) include massive cuts to programs for the poor and equally massive tax cuts for the highest earners. That’s just the reality in Washington right now.

I would agree a psak din to vote for Obama is out of the question, but consider than in Israel, all of the religious parties in Israel (both charedi and dati leumi) support a strong safety net and oppose cuts. It’s too bad we don’t have a party in the US that is conservative on social and cultural issues but more liberal on economic policy. In my opinion, the government’s biggest economic priority should be making sure people can make ends meet while working part-time (so we can finally fulfill Avos 2:2), without getting fired for insisting on part-time work (as in the Netherlands where there’s a right to work part time and get full benefits). Unfortunately that isn’t on any party’s agenda.

I would never vote for Obama because of Israel. But it’s easy to understand why so many do vote for him:

1. 90% of Blacks vote democratic and have for decades; it’s only slightly increased with Obama.

2. Obama’s Israel policy is bad but it’s not much worse than Bush’s; remember the disastrous Gaza pullout? Wouldn’t have happened without Bush’s imperialistic meddling.

3. The idea that Democrats are fiscally irresponsible is a myth. Federal spending actually grew more under Bush and Reagan, and Romney’s plans would in fact increase the deficit and take longer to balance the budget than Obama’s plans (because of all Romney’s tax cuts for the wealthiest).

4. Similarly, the idea that Obama is somehow leading us toward communism is beyond ridiculous. Communism is defined as an authoritarian government with no free elections, government ownership of all media and industry, etc. With the exception of the temporary US/Canadian government majority stake in GM, Obama’s policies have no similarities at all with Communism. Bush spent tons of money on new social programs like Head Start but no one called him a communist. Every other democratic Western country has universal health care that goes way beyond Obamacare — that’s not communism, any more than the fact that the Post Office is owned by the government is communism.

5. Misguided economic policies have bankrupted much of the middle class, such that the benefits of economic growth go to the rich but not the other 90%, whose wages stagnate or fall (see the book Winner Take All Politics). Romney’s policies will only make this worse, while Obama’s have some chance of making the middle class better off.

6. Judaism places abortion decision-making with rabbis, not the government. If pro-life legislation was passed it could interfere with this. I’m sympathetic to pro-lifers but an actual ban on all abortion would be against halacha.

I second what was said above — you can certainly thank Hashem for and pray to Hashem for your pets in your own words. Few people know much about it nowadays, but in fact there is a ton of rabbinical literature on the importance of treating animals with compassion and such, and many beautiful stories of famous rabbis who went out of their way to help animals. Rabbi Dovid Sears wrote a fascinating book exploring this topic (among others), A Vision of Eden, a draft of which is available online for free. I’m sure other books and articles have been written as well.

Sterilizing animals has traditionally been forbidden by most poskim, though there are some exceptions. Rabbi Shmuel Wosner and Rabbi Shlomo Amar, for example, have approved letting a non-Jew sterilize your pet. Many poskim hold that non-Jews are not forbidden to sterilize pets.

If you see an abandoned animal, one good option would be to give it to an animal shelter that identifies as a no-kill shelter. Most animal shelters euthanize a large proportion of the perfectly healthy cats and dogs they have, because there aren’t enough people who want to adopt them. No-kill shelters are run by people who think that is wrong, and only euthanize them in very rare cases (if they are about to die or are extremely dangerous and aggressive). Since these places are mainly run by non-Jews I don’t think it would be a problem if they would spay or neuter them — it would seem more important to save them from suffering or death. That said, I don’t know whether the life of an average stray or feral cat is all that bad.

You’re welcome! The book I was thinking of is Eye to the Infinite by R’ Aharon Rubin. I haven’t read it but it get good reviews (including the chassidim blogging at Mystical Paths). There are many other books on meditation written by frum Jews. R’ Aryeh Kaplan’s book on Jewish meditation is definitely worth reading. R’ Dovber Pinson has also written books on Jewish meditation.

When people think of meditation, they think of sitting there silently or repeating a phrase or something, but that’s only one of many different ways of Jewish meditation. Ideally, davening should be a form of meditation. Personal prayer, hisbodedus, is also an important form of meditation (in fact, in Likutei Eitzos hisbodedus is often translated as meditation). Brachos should also be meditations, making us aware of G-d’s greatness and kindness and the fact that everything we have comes from Him. Many people have written about these topics.

Tehillim, too, is a great form of meditation — it’s not just for praying for people who are ill or whatever. It is good to say a few chapters of tehillim a day, applying the words to your own life (references to evil people and battles and such can be understood as referring to your own evil inclination or negative character traits and struggles in life). I prefer the interlinear Tehillim myself, even for praying in English — the translation’s not bad, and it slows you down so you have better kavanah.

Meditation is neglected by many nowadays but it is important for many reasons. We are supposed to love Hashem, and serve him with every fiber of our beings, all parts of our mind and heart. How can we do this if our davening and learning is only in our heads? To really achieve simcha, emuna, bitachon, kavanah, some form of meditation is necessary.

A couple additional things on the topic of reading. When reading Guide to the Perplexed, keep in mind that the hashkafa (theology) of that book is not really representative in some respects to what people believe now, because it was a reaction to the dominant non-Jewish philosophical trend of the time, Aristotelianism. Regardless, I highly recommend reading the book Horeb by Rabbi Shimshon Rafael Hirsch, including the introduction by Rabbi Isadore Gruenfeld. It’s an amazing work. The introduction in particular is very helpful for understanding the history of the differences between Reform and traditional Judaism (which became known as Orthodoxy after the creation of reform).

Here are some examples of Litvish gedolim saying positive things about Rebbe Nachman of Breslov and his works (taken from a Breslov website):

Rabbi Yisroel Meir HaCohen, author of “Chofetz Chaim”: “If you wish to draw close to Chassidism, draw close to Breslov. They keep and follow the Shulchan Aruch.”

The son of the Chofetz Chaim acustomed himself to praying with Breslover Chassidim in Warsaw.

Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, the Steipler Gaon: “This book (Likutey Moharan) stirs me to fear of Heaven. And, I see that if there is a day that I don’t learn this book, I feel lacking in Heavenly fear.”

Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz, Rosh Yeshiva of Mir: “Through (learning) Likutey Moharan, the mind is opened.” He also said “We work on trying to solve problems (in scripture) and they (Breslover Chassidim) work constantly on ‘fear Hashem and love Him all your days.'”

Rabbi Avraham Yeshaya Karelitz, author of “Chazon Ish”: “The light of lights of truth…” Rav Ben Tzion Apter said that here and there the Chazon Ish would speak to him about the strenght and greatness of Rebbe Nachman and each time would say “tell over a teaching of the Rebbe.”

Rabbi Elya Lopian on Rebbe Nachman’s books: “These are real books of ethics.”

Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, author of “Michtav M’Eliyahu”, quotes from Rebbe Nachman in his books. In a letter to his children, he encouraged them to learn Breslov works in order to merit fear of Heaven.

WIY, I recommend reading the Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush. Within the first chapter or so he discusses how important it is for a man to get married (there’s a woman’s version of the book too — I haven’t read it since I’m not a woman). I’ve read many of Rav Arush’s books, and I think this is probably the most important one for people to read (although all the rest are great too), even before marriage.

Rav Shlomo Aviner, a major posek of the Chardali (charedi-leaning dati leumi) community, recently answered this very question, in one of his mini-teshuvos. He’s not known for leniencies himself, as far as I know. Here’s the quote from his website:

“Q: In theory, is it permissible for me to always search out a Rabbi who is lenient?

A: Yes. One who wants to follow Beit Shammai may do so, one who wants to follow Beit Hillel may do so. Eruvin 6b. But not leniencies which contradict one another.”