I would like to raise an important topic—one that perhaps Klal Yisrael as a whole can consider returning to, for the sake of bringing yeshuos to so many who are still waiting.
For generations, it was a minhag in Klal Yisrael to wish one another mazel tov at simchas. These words are not just a polite formality—they are true brachos. And when the recipient answers amen, it draws bracha and mazel into their life. At a wedding, when people would wish mazel tov to the chassan or kallah, the proper response was for the chassan or kallah to give a bracha back in return. Someone making a simcha has a unique koach at that time, and their heartfelt brachos can bring yeshuos to others.
Chazal teach us that when we give someone a bracha, the words themselves rise to shamayim, and when answered with a sincere amen, they have the power to bring bracha down to this world.
About twenty years ago, when the “shidduch crisis” became more pronounced, some older singles felt hurt by certain phrases that were being said—comments that didn’t always come across as sincere, or words like “IY”H by you” said without enough sensitivity. Out of respect for their pain, many in Klal Yisrael pulled back from this beautiful minhag, not wanting to cause discomfort.
But as an older single myself, I want to give voice to what many of us who are still waiting feel but rarely say: we want your brachos. We need your tefillos. When they are offered with sincerity and energy, they mean more to us than you can imagine. Please don’t hold back from davening for us, from telling us you are davening, from giving us brachos, and from allowing us the privilege of answering amen.
Let us bring back this old minhag—with sincerity, with warmth, and with the knowledge that every bracha, every amen, has the power to open gates of yeshuos.
Signed,
S.J.
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16 Responses
I’m sure you mean well but I suspect it is hard enough for many older singles just to attend a chassanah per se, without having the chasan or kallah respond to a mazel tov with a “BY’H by you”, no matter how sincerely offered.
Dear SJ. Chazal tell us that the biggest advocate in this world for you is YOU. Of course we can all daven for you. However, none of us have the inherent power that you posses. Since we do not know your pain, our prayers do not have the same power. Shavaat Anyim Atah Tishmah. Shaakat Hadal Takshiv Vetoshia. Here is a suggestion: All Machzorim say that Tzom (teshiva), Kol (tefillah) , Momon (tezdaka) will remove the gezerah. Each of these valuable elements that is in your machzor of RH has the same numarical value of 136. You really have two weeks to work on these. As far as the Tefilah goes: The Zohar Hakadosh talks about the power of a SZ that has great Midos (mainly easy going personality: Maavirin at Midotav). Said Rab Elaazar that his father, Rab Shimon used to be metaher and mekadesh the Chazan 3 days before RH and YK in order to have him be mevatel the gezerah. This is really what the Midrash in Kohelet tells us as well. Such a Chazan when he says Amen Yeheh sheme Raba on the YN, Afilu Hakadosh Baruch Ho has 100 pages of old Gezerot, Miyad is mevatel it. A Chazan who is mevater is also able to ask Hashem to be mevater. My suggestion to you is: First work on Kol, Som, Momon (136 x 3 = 408 “Bezot” we say it everyday Ledavid Hashem Ori….. Bezot Ani Boteach or Bezot Yechopar Avon Yaakov. Second, Daven in a place where the chazan is an easy-going person and ask him to have you in mind and ask Hakadosh Baruch Hoo to be mevatel Kol Gezerot Raot Venomar Amen! With much love and Hatzlacha!
If it’s not followed up by at least an attempt to help a single a shidduch I don’t think it should be said unless you really know the person well enough.
Bravo, Bravo, Bravo! S.J. is 100% correct!!
Those who became afraid of saying ““IY”H by you””, due to the religious-left-wing attacking it, only hurt the older singles when following this politically-correct absurd narishkeit.
Thank you, S.J.!
Many many years ago before I got married i davened for a long list of people in need of shidduchim cause of the famous saying “that when a person Davens for someone then the person davening for him gets answered first” now many years later since I was benched to get married I didn’t stop davening for others to find shidduchim but am still davening for them today.
On your other point. It’s because today with so many weddings and other Simchas people need to stop into to give Mazel tov. They don’t have time to spend long at each Simcha so their making sure to give the Chosson or parent a hearty Mazel tov and then have to leave EVEN THOUGH THEY REGISTERED TO STAY FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT. Not to hurt the baal Simchas feeling.
As a final message of you mentioning that you need every person’s bracha. My personal to you is-from an older person-
Is to turn Directly to Hashem with heartfelt Tefillos for whatever you need-rather its a Shidduch or livlihood or something else etc…..-as we say at the end of benching from Tehillim. Vdorshei Hashem….. which means for one that seeks out Hashem DIRECTLY lacks nothing that is good.
May Hashem help you find your zivvug quickly cause in truth we all know s/he’s already waiting for you since 40 days before you were even born. That’s besides the fact that now your at least 20 to 25 years later since being born.
A very well written letter (finally!). I want you to know in earnest that klal yisroel is pulling for you in a big way. Even if I never met you we still feel your pain and hope you see your yeshua fast. That being said there is so much chatter out there about how hurtful sincere comments are that I myself am utterly confused as to what to say and what not to say. It really seems like everyone is different and everyone takes comments differently and so I have no way of knowing what to say to them. And that’s why I choose silence lest I cause a person in pain any more pain.
Like! May you see your yeshua very soon!
I think actually an amazing and extremely powerful healing energy is tehillim. I used to give my name to one of these tehillim things that say the entire tehillim everyday for you. Best most _blessed_ time of my life. It’s 100 bucks a month and you can add as many names as you want. I used to put a prayer for everyone in there too.
Such a beautiful letter that avoids criticizing anyone. I wish all letters to the mailbag were like this one.
It should be a Zechus for the author.
What a great article. I fully agree. We need to stop treating everyone like butterflies. I believe it makes a person feel even worse at times when we ignore the elephant in the room. A Bracha is very powerful . A person never what zechusim they have.
Hatzlacha to you and may you find your zivug very soon. You have my Beracha for what it’s worth!
יהי רצון מלפני אבינו שבשמים שכל הבחורים והבתולות, כל הגרושים והגרושות, כל האלמנים והאלמנות מעמך ישראל יימצאו זיווגיהם האמיתיים בקרוב והוריהם או ידידיהם או הם בעצמם יוכלו לערוך החתונות מתוך הרחבת הדעת והרחבת הממון ויוכלו לבנות בתים נאמנים בישראל ולעבוד את אלוקנו מתוך שלום ושלוה עושר וכבוד לאורך ימים. אמן כן יהי רצון
Stop the hibby jibby stuff. Stop thinking that if the rest of the world would be different it would help you. Work out your own problems with the people who care and leave the rest of us alone.
Actually ahava it’s not true. The biggest advocate for you is someone who prays for you. It’s like those dumb affirmations people say to put on your mirror “I am successful” “I matter”
No, that’s someone trying to fulfill the role of other people on his own. when someone gives you a compliment it’s much much more significant then when you tell yourself. Even though affirmations work cuz its vibrational reality shift your replacing the role of real people in your life
Gadol hador we make singles lives miserable by our entire carpamentalized society. Plus dehumanizing people to a resume and calling people’s neighbors before we give them a chance. That’s the issue
Personally, I hate it when people tell me soon by you, and always look for snarky snap backs
I think everyone is trying their best. We all fallow a script, fit in. I mean in what society does anyone do everything they are told. Individuality is dead and a few make it threw them is unforgiving system
So maybe when they see someone single they “feel bad” for them in their arrangent manner cuz “they” made it. “Their” at the top now and they wish you were too. It’s all just a game of fake conformity. I just saw a couple recently who didn’t exactly look like they were together because they chose each other. Just cuz they fallower the script. This entire society is one big farce. No offense. Imagine I told everyone they had to conform their entire life to my diet and everyone tried so hard to and felt bad for all the ones who didn’t make it. Phony. That’s all I say. This stupidity need to change asap