In the first installment of “How to Help Your Kids With Their Anxiety” we discussed work that parents should do themselves to ensure that they are in a healthy regulated space to help their kids with their anxiety. In this final installment we’ll discuss interventions that parents can use directly with their children who are struggling with anxiety.

1. Validate their feelings. Sometimes we get why our kids are anxious about something and sometimes we don’t. A parent may have a much more laid back personality than their kid and struggle to put themselves in their shoes to relate to their feelings. Even if a parent does very much understand and even relate, they can sometimes be tempted to minimize or downplay the situation thinking that will “convince” the child that there is nothing to be anxious about. “There’s no reason to be worried about going into the pool, you know the swim instructor is right there.” “Tests are not a big deal. You’re going to do fine.”

In truth, when our feelings feel seen and understood they are able to settle a bit and we become more able to regulate and tap into reason. If your child is flooded with anxiety then just being with them, taking deep breaths, offering physical comfort if wanted, can be co-regulating and enough to take the edge off. When validating their feelings, be authentic. You can be genuinely empathetic and really “see” them while still putting the situation in perspective. “Going into the pool can be scary and uncomfortable. Even though you know that there are adults right here, it still makes you nervous. Doing new things can be hard, even if a part of you really wants to do it.” For more minor anxiety, sometimes this can be enough to help the child feel safe enough to take that step. For many situations however, the validation will be helpful in regulating them and helping them to be ready to implement the next intervention.

2. Exposures– Our brain and our bodies run on two different wavelengths. Our brains respond to logic. If you explain to me the facts of why something is safe then I will logically understand and believe it. But as anyone who has struggled with anxiety or witnessed someone struggle with it knows, our bodies are not convinced by logic. You can explain to me that airplanes are safer than cars but that will not stop my body from experiencing extremely uncomfortable and aversive anxious feelings (assuming that is something that one struggles with.) Knowing in your brain that it is safe may make you prepared and ready to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings but they won’t necessarily lessen the feelings in it of themselves.

Our bodies learn from experience. If I experience something as safe again and again and again then my body begins to learn that it is safe and will not set off those extreme alarm bells and go into fight or flight. But how do you experience it as safe if your body is already in fight or flight? Sit down with your child and plan steps that involve increasing levels of discomfort. It’s hard to quantify emotions but if you think of feelings of being on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being barely existent and 10 being intolerable, you want each step to be at about a 4 or a 5. It should be uncomfortable for them but tolerable (sometimes with external incentives if necessary). As they do that step every day for a week, it gradually reduces in discomfort which then enables them to take the next step. Keep going until you reach the final goal. Let’s use the swimming example to illustrate this.

Week 1- Putting your legs in the water

Week 2- Sitting on a shallow step

Week 3- Standing where they can stand

Week 4- bending down until their chin

Week 5- Putting their face in the water

Week 6- Going where they can’t stand while wearing floaties

And so on and so forth. To be clear, doing it once a week will generally not be sufficient to really create momentum and help a child who is really struggling. Ideally, daily repetition will create the continuity and frequency necessary to create new neural pathways in the brain. Obviously this is going to look different for every child. Some children will take longer than others before being able to move on to another step and different children will have different order of steps depending on what they find to be the most anxiety inducing.

Like I mentioned previously, in order to get your child’s buy in you may need to incentivize them to begin to take the steps. If this sounds incredibly daunting and frankly too much, as a parent, I get it! Understanding how much investment the process can take can help you decide whether something really should be a priority for you and your child to tackle at the time. You may decide that you or your child will not be able to invest the time and energy necessary to overcome their fear of swimming right now and that’s ok! Picking and choosing your battles and prioritizing is an important part of this. You can’t deal with everything at once.

3. Creating a culture in your house where you openly discuss and acknowledge feelings and struggles can be very helpful in equipping your child with the tools to understand and relate to their emotions in a more helpful way. Share with your children when you are nervous about something and how you handle it. Keep everything age appropriate, but doing this will help your child to realize that feelings are normal, healthy and there are tools to deal with them.

Of course even with your best efforts and intentions, your child’s anxiety may require professional help. It takes a village to raise our children and sometimes that requires professionals! Even if you do decide to go that route, having a better understanding of what you can do to help the process can be invaluable.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]