Forum Replies Created
mw13 – you’re welcome.
That’s not what I meant. One shouldn’t TRY to be a businessman or a rosh yeshiva. One should TRY to do whatever the ratzon Hashem is for themselves. Whether that ends up being a rosh yeshiva or a businessman is irrelevant to their reward in Olam Haba, as long as they honestly followed ratzon Hashem in choosing their life path.
Same thing for a lady. She shouldn’t TRY to marry a rosh yeshiva or TRY to marry a businessman. She should TRY to do the ratzon Hashem. That means supporting Torah as much as she can. If making the sacrifices necessary in marrying a rosh yeshiva also means being miserable for her, then the ratzon Hashem for her is to NOT marry a rosh yeshiva. Maybe it’s to marry a rebbe or shul rabbi who has a guaranteed salary. Maybe it’s in marrying a businessman. She can support Torah in other ways, and still be a happy, functional, tzadeikes and eved Hashem, without marrying the gadol hador.
To often do we focus on ideals that don’t necessarily apply to us, and lose focus of the main picture which DOES apply to us. We aren’t here to learn Torah. We aren’t here to do mitzvos. We aren’t here to be happy. We are here to do the ratzon Hashem – which happens to be learning Torah, doing mitzvos, and being happy.
mewho zeh, v’ayzeh who?
Whiteberry – What bothers me is that after two millennium of crusades, pogroms, expulsions, libels, genocides, and persecution that left millions of our brethren dead, or worse, they still have the chutzpah to tell us our religion is wrong. I really can’t hold myself back from making them feel dumb. I can’t understand how anyone equipped to show them up could give up the opportunity…
15% is plenty!
I find the Aish website has plenty of resources to fight these ignoramus crusaders off. Either way, when I’m confronted by one of these people, all I get is more emunah in the Torah, not less. Even if they say something I have no answer for on the spot.
Really, you don’t even need to answer their blasphemous misinterpretations of our Torah’s holy psukim. You can just go on the offensive and ask kashas ‘minei ubei’ on their religion, like YehudaTzvi says. Like, how come yashkie isn’t from the Davidic bloodline if the Mashiach must come from it… that one really bothers them 🙂
Guys… I think I’m being stalked too.. They know how many times I post, when, where. They read my every word! They know what posts I write in, and present all my information back to me… These mods are weirdooooooooooos!!!! 😉
People should learn with the goal of understanding, not “finishing shas”.
Isn’t there an explicit halacha against telling someone that you finished sh”as? You are supposed to avoid the question. In my opinion, having a certificate reeks of gayva. Besides that, why would a gadol sign a certificate when they can’t guarantee that the person who receives it actually learned every amoud? And besides that even, a very well respected Rosh Yeshiva and gadol who recently passed away, whom I will not name because of what people may say against him after hearing this, said… And I quote.. “Daf Yomi is mageyfah that’s destroying Torah in Klall Yisroel.”
That was good! Why do you feel that you need to be married to a gadol hador? Do you believe it is a shortcoming on your end if you marry a normal mentch who is shomer Torah umitzvot and growing?
I LOVE TAU!! Tau is the man!!!
I just clicked on your name and it goes to a page that lists your activity. Maybe that’s where this stalker got that information from. I wonder if the mods have any info regarding who clicked on your name the most.
One question though, how would the stalker make the connection between your YW-CR username and your username on the other website? Did you give out your name or any identifying info on either website? Maybe it’s someone close to you whom you personally know that knows your screen names?
NOMTW – When the mussar movement first started those who opposed it used to say that since mussar fixes middos, the only people who should learn mussar are those with broken middos. They also claimed you could get your mussar out of learning chumash and agadatah in the gemara, which is true, but today we aren’t wise enough to derive these lessons from these texts on our own. I assume that the stigma here is similar. Someone who goes to a therapist – who fixes psychological problems – must be someone with psychological problems.
The flaw in both of these ways of thought is that we need to realize EVERYONE has psychological problems. Not that everyone is loco, but that everyone has flaws in their way of thinking that cause relationship issues, anger issues, happiness issues, social issues, etc. These can be straightened out by mussar and guidance – assuming the person is open to growth. This is a short compilation of what I have learned from my rabbeim over the years when they spoke hashkafa on this issue.
It’s true that people go of the d, but we also live in a time where more ppl are becoming baalei tshuva than ever in history. There are plenty of “safety net” organizations out there that do help. You can’t control people to not go off the D. As unhappy as you may be about it, it’s a decision every individual has to make for themselves, and it’s not something you can prevent. You can only do your hishtadlut, and that’s where these organizations come into play.
The most important thing about advice, in my opinion; don’t give it, unless asked for it. And I know I just kind of contradicted myself because you weren’t asking about that, but yeah…
Otherwise you can use “What about xyz?” Where xyz is a possible option or alternative to the dilemma. When you come out asking it as a question you are humbly implying that maybe the person whom you are conversing with has already thought of it, and are also opening it up for discussion, without being forceful.
Wear a gorilla suit!!! 😀
If you are planning on paying someone to design and build it for you, ignore the rest.
There are a few things that may complicate it. Will you need a method of accepting credit card/paypal payments on it? Is it a “storefront” website, or just a text+image website? Will people need to register and log-in? Will you have flash animation or just basic HTML?
“How do I set up the functionality of it for my specific needs along the lines of the software.”
I’m not sure what you are asking, but you need to learn about building websites if you want it to be functional and successful.
You will need to understand the hierarchy system when creating different individual pages and eventually have hyperlinks from one to the other. Also, look into getting FTP (File Transfer Protocol) software and learning how to use it – I can recommend FileZilla.
You should definitely pick up a book on HTML coding and web page design and start learning. It’s true that you don’t need to code your site from scratch like in the old days, but it’s still essential to understand some rudimentary HTML and basic concepts.
For those people with more experience than myself in this topic (which, as of now, would mean any experience at all)… On a shidduch date, how does one draw the line between being friendly, and being TOO friendly?
I would really appreciate input because I don’t really know many experienced ppl whom I’m comfortable asking.
Wallflower- I think she meant “not everybody wants a greasy kollel guy” as referring to the opposite end of the spectrum. NOT that every kollel guy is greasy.
Princess, that’s a good point. I’m not very photogenic, unless I’m caught off guard. I’m not so good at “posing” for pics Haha. I think it’s different for boys though, because looks aren’t as a big of a priority for most girl as they are for guys… At least that’s what people say. Girls are generally more emotional than boys are. At the end of the day, I guess it’s a cost-benefit decision that each person has to make for themselves.
So, I know there are countless posts regarding the issue, and it’s one that many people feel very strongly about, but I think it’s an interesting topic. I have yet to hear an answer that is logical, most are just emotional terutzim. Ready for it?…. What do you think regarding giving/asking for a photograph for a first date.
The way I see it is, a husband HAS to be attracted to his wife, and vice versa. It’s a waste of time, money, and emotions for both parties if they never make it to a second date because one isn’t attracted to the other. That being said, some people don’t really need much on the physical side to make them attracted to someone else, as their nature of attraction is just more personality-centric. These people, may not even ask to see a picture, which is fine. I think those that do ask for a picture are not “shallow” like some people may say, but they just want to save themselves and the other person the trouble. The fact that they arent able to develop an attraction to someone who isn’t physically appealing to them is not their fault, it’s just how they are hardwired. Just like some people are visual/tactile learners, and others are audio learners. It’s the way our brains work. I don’t understand the stigma against asking to see a photograph of a person before a date. I’ve read some comments that people wrote that “how could someone who learns about not looking at girls ask to look at a girl?” This is baseless because in this case it’s a mitzvah to look and see if you are potentially attracted. Isn’t there some chazal about how one should look at his kallah before the marriage to make sure she’s appealing to him?
Does anyone have a logical angle on why it’s not right to ask for a picture?
Englishman, I have it from a very good source. Why don’t you believe it’s correct? The only issue here is disrespecting a sefer by putting a lesser sefer on top of it. Since it’s derech haolam to stack by size it’s not considered disrespectful. The only thing is that it has to be all Torah sforim. You can’t put a John Gresham novel in the stack.
It’s so annoying when wearing a shirt that you DON’T tuck in. The tzitzit corners bundle in the lovehandle area and make you look fat, or it pops up around the collar of the shirt and starts riding up your neck. There’s gotta be a way to wear these things without looking weird. The worst is when someone wears shorts and the tzitziot dangle from their pantlegs by the knees. That’s just yehareg v’al yaavor.
mw13: I forgot to mention, I do agree with you regarding the whole entitlement problem. That’s the yetzer hara hachitzioni. We live in a time where “keeping up with the Joneses” is something that’s almost inevitable, to some extent. Nobody wants to be an outcast of society by only living off the basics. This wasn’t as big of a nisayon back in the day when living off the basics WAS society.
” “It’s possible for a person to be a CEO, or an electrician, or a garbage collector and still have a seat right next to Rebbi Akiva in Olam Haba.”
Possible? Yes. Likely? Not by a long shot.”
That’s exactly my point, mw13. We can’t judge anyone, you don’t know anybody’s nisyonos and upbringing. You can’t say whether it’s likely or not because you haven’t been to shamayim and taken a census of who is sitting next to R’ Akiva. Saying it’s not likely isn’t something that you can say with any certainty. It’s just an assumption built on your premise that everyone has the same level of challenges as you do, and that every individual’s potential is more or less the same. I believe in psychology that’s called “projecting”. It all goes according to one’s potential which is something only Hashem knows (and to some degree the individual too).
“Don’t forget the one above” hopefully you will be blessed with many dollars to give. I was just watching a video of a tisha b’av speech earlier today (fast ended here already), and after the rabbi finished talking some guy in the audience with a thick Russian accent took the mic and started talking about something he learned, and at the end he said “I just thought i’d throw in my twenty cents.” I was trying so hard not to laugh… But I failed.
Mazal tov on your engagement!
@ Repharim – nope. He was talking about emotional, psychological, relationship issues, and the like. One of his lines was, “Get the help you need!” Whether it be through talking with a rebbe, counselor, or therapist – whatever helps. It was very clear. There is no reason not to speak with people that can give us guidance. The only factor that we have to look out for is how qualified that person is to give us guidance. Sadly, the average guy with “rabbi” in front of his name isn’t qualified for non-halachic eitza, if only that.
I’ve also heard that, since it’s customary worldwide to stack books in order of size (with largest on bottom), that it’s not considered disrespectful to do it that way; even if the order of content isn’t chronologically correct.
It’s not your place to go up to random strangers and start giving them critique. Leave that to their husbands, friends, rabbis, parents, and other people that are in a position where it will be better received. If that IS your relationship to the person, and you think that they respect you enough to listen to you, then by all means… Otherwise, the majority of people (mammele excluded) don’t care about what an obnoxious, nosey, possibly crazy stranger on the bus thinks about their skirt. Use some seichel!
Hmm morahmom.. what if the poskim just paskened shailas on the CR? Then, instead of calling up the posek we could just do a Google search on the CR and find the tshuvas. You’re brilliant!!!
The dem’s spokesperson is a woman by the name of Debbie something-shultz I think. She’s stereotypically Jewish, the look, the talk, everything. They specificly hired her because they know that BHO is anti Israel, and they had to bring in a Jew who licks the ground that the guy steps on to portray BHO as pro-Israel. She never stops talking about how pro-Israel Obama is. It’s disturbing. The Dems know they’ve done wrong by Israel, or else they wouldn’t have hired this lady to represent them. The only question is, do the Jews who have a history with the left care more about Israel, or more about their liberal agenda. Let’s face it, the Jewish vote is mostly nonfrum Jews who often lean heavily leftward towards pro toeva, pro kol minei davar stupid, and other foundations of liberalism.
They key word in mammele’s comment was “delicately”.
A friend of mine who has dated more than I have told me he’s spoken to many great girls that can’t find a shidduch because they have a “checklist” of very specific things that they’re looking for, and that so many girls insist that they must have every aspect of their checklist fulfilled before they’re happy with their potential shidduch. Is this true? He says, generally, boys are more ready to compromise, but that seminaries indoctrinate girls that “they deserve” the best shidduch possible, so all these girls go for months and months without dating because the guy doesn’t fit their “checklist”. He claims this might be part of the cause for the Great Shidduch Recession.
Shlishi, there are tons of chazal out there that say you have to be hard as a brick regading tochacha and all that, but alas, many mesorahs say otherwise. It’s because we have to take into consideration yeridas hadoros. You aren’t as good as giving tochacha and the other person isn’t as ready to be mekabel tochacha as the generation that the Sefer Hachinuch was published for. If you truly embarass someone in public today you wont get them to listen to you, you’ll get them to curse you and possibly punch you in the face. They will be distanced from yiddishkite, not brought to tshuva. Again, “vlo tisa alav chet.” “Malbin panim berabim kshofech damim dami.”
I’ve heard my roshei yeshivas say “everyone should go to therapy.” It’s not just for people with severe emotional or mental problems. Everyone has conflicts and problems in life, and we gain tremendously by having someone who understands the workings of the human mind to discuss it with. They even said if they could afford it that they would go to therapists. I also heard a very big Rosh Yeshiva (yes, with capitals) of a prominent Yeshiva in NY say that: before dating, guys should work out their issues. He was talking to the talmidim so he said guys, but I’m sure he means girls too. Psychology is a science and it has results. Whoever thinks therapists are just for crazies doesn’t know much about psychology and kochos hanefesh.
….*slowly walks backwards out of this thread*
Machoh Timcheh, if I’m not mistaken, you started this after you ranted on the “what people look for in shidduch dating” thread. Thus, I take it I’m included in what you said. I would have you know what I said is not my own opinion, but the hashkafa that I received from my Rosh Yeshiva, who is a tremendous talmid chacham and was a very close talmid of a gadol b’Yisroel who recently passed ZY”A.
Shlishi. My rebbi always said people forget the rest of the pasuk, “”vlo tisa alav chet”.. if its probable that the person won’t heed your tochacha it’s assur to give it (don’t remember if he used the word “assur”, but the maskana was DON’T give it). Leave it to someone whom they will listen to. Besides, you have to give tochacha for the right reasons. There are very reliable rabbeim out there who say giving tochacha has to be done so delicately and precisely that we aren’t even on the maylah of mussar to do it nowadays. You are definitely not allowed to insult, embarrass, or offend someone while giving tochacha. It’s not such a simple thing.
Because C is an in-town guy… Duhh!
No. A Mamin isn’t saying you shouldn’t marry someone who is just as frum as you. That’s what the spouse is ending up doing. We’re discussing when Person A is independently less frum than Person B, but when A is put together with B, A naturally steps it up to that of B’s level… Chazarah bar abba, chazarah. 🙂
PbA – To avoid further confusion on what A Mamin said I’ll try to explain it in a very simple way.
A Mamin was saying marrying someone who is OPENLY a little less frum than you – that’s bad.
On the other hand, marrying someone who is slightly more frum than you, (but around whom you can comfortably act frummer and behave just as frum as they are) – that’s good.
In regards to R’ Akiva – that’s because I’m addressing Machoh Timcheh, who seems to believe that what Hashem wants of EVERYONE is to be in kollel and become a rabbi. I’m talking to a stigma, so I must address the stigma….
You can’t troll me, bar Abba… You just can’t touch this ; )
One more thing Machoh Timcheh. All of these anonymous “Choshuv rabbeim in yeshivos” that allegedly hold that seminary is pointless – do their daughters go to seminary?
It’s possible for a person to be a CEO, or an electrician, or a garbage collector and still have a seat right next to Rebbi Akiva in Olam Haba. Only Hashem can judge a person. Yes, not even our gedolim can judge us. The reason they push for people to go to kollel is because if they don’t then the ones who really can and should will fall through the cracks. Every individual in klall Yisrael has to know themselves and dig their own psyche with emes v’yosher to determine what is the right amount of time to sit in Yeshiva; whether it’s for a lifetime, or not at all..
Machoh timcheh – I, for one, do not believe only a “select few” should be in kollel. I think if you can, then you should, but you also have to deal with reality. If you can both happily manage on a kollel stipend and one salary then great. Otherwise, you need money to live in our day and age, and with the global economy the way it is, you need to have a secular education to stand a chance in the free market. It’s also important to do something you like, because if you’re going to be miserable being an accountant you might as well just go be miserable being a marbitz Torah. If you feel being in harbotzas haTorah isn’t for you, and you won’t be happy doing it your whole life then you should go and learn to make a living from something you enjoy, instead. Hashem doesn’t want a nation of roshei yeshivas, just like he doesn’t want a nation of Kohanim, or a nation of Leviim. We are all created for a different tachlis and our job is to serve Hashem by figuring out which way he wants us to lead our lives.
If you stay in kollel you likely won’t have time for a decent job, and if you have no job you can’t support a family. Hashem said “pru urvu”, Chaz”al say bli kemach ein Torah. What Hashem didn’t say is, “wear a white shirt and sit in kollel while your wife cooks, cleans, works three jobs and takes care of your 7 kids”. If she’s a “Rochel” and you want to sit and learn, then that’s the right thing for you, but if she’s not – then it’s an issur gamur to make your family live in misery and force them to make sacrifices that they resent because you think you need to have 3 sdarim.
Bar Shattya, I think you were extrapolating on A Mamin’s point of view. I didn’t read that into what he/she said, so I addressed you. I then went on to explain what the “nafka mina” might be if you have two people looking to appear as frummer to each other, as opposed to what A Mamin and I were discussing when only one person is actually frummer than the other.
Man… This reminds me of chazoras hashiur in yeshiva.
Bar Shattya, one flaw there… What happens three months after the chupah when one day they both discover that their spouse is not as frum as they each thought? They were both “putting on an act”, so to speak, and weren’t being their natural selves. I assumed that when only one of the spouses (spice?) is “appearing” frummer than natural – but within their comfort zone – then its sustainable, but if both of them are putting on an appearance then it’s a shaky foundation. Btw, I didn’t mean you should lie and give off the impression that you’re a shtarka yeshivish bochur when in reality you eat at KFC every shabbos- I just meant find someone whose level of frumkite brings out the better side of you.
Csar, I loled at your macroeconomic perspective of the shidduch “market”.
Gavra_at_work, that’s what I hear also; that the mindset is very different. I’m still very new to this though, so I can’t speak with any experience.
Live and Learn, what “oot” cities do you think have such girls (that I should ask a shadchan about)?
Princess, the few girls from my city that are in the parsha go elsewhere to date bc we don’t have a big shidduch market here, yet. Besides, I would like to broaden my horizons and marry someone not from here. Visiting the in-laws is a great excuse to go on vacation. I’m thinking… Florida! Hmmm…Are there any frum Jews from Hawaii? Haha 😛
Haha, thanks MCP. It’s probably cus I’m from “oot”, and wouldn’t ever agree to live the big city life. My gut tells me living somewhere that actually has girls to date is very conducive to dating… May you and your family be mevorach.
Candy, you took a lot of time to write all of that and I didn’t even address you. Sorry, it’s because I had to go back and re-read it. I think I understand what you are saying. I think it’s true that we have to be machshiv Torah and make that the focus of our lives. In terms of love.. I think loving the Torah is just an expression of loving Hashem, it’s not the end goal. Some people love learning, and some don’t, that’s why some people go into harbotzas haTorah and others aren’t cut out for it. It’s not just a matter of intellectual capacity. Not trying to be gaivadic (I’m still anonymous), I was one of the top guys in my shiurim and I just didn’t see myself becoming a lifelong rebbe or kiruv person. I wasn’t happy sitting in a beis medrash all day, so I went to college where b”H, I feel accomplished. I still enjoy learning, but not 13 hours a day. I want to run my life with Torah hashkofa and all, but it just seemed like all shidduch dating girls are taught in seminary that in order to have their cheilik in Torah they need to support a husband who is sitting and learning all day. Thanks for the response.
Thanks for the responses…NOMTWicked, thanks, that’s very encouraging. But interjection, I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at yours Haha.
What Czar said kinda leads into my next question. I had this discussion with a friend of mine who also posts on CR sometimes. It seems like when we are young and still in the Torah education system we are on a much higher level than a few years after we leave. By that point we kind of reach our “equilibrium”, where we aren’t what we used to be when we were in our specific Torah system, but we are at our natural independent madrega, and hopefully growing.
What are your opinions on trying to date someone who is on a slightly “higher level” than you, to help you bring out your best side? Not someone who’s too far ahead, but just enough to tip you over your equilibrium state, to a point where you are still comfortable. I mean this as opposed to dating someone who makes you feel comfortable doing things or acting in ways that you want to grow out of. Not necessarily grossly terrible things, but just areas that you want to grow in. Do you think its fair to the other person? Is it honest to be “on your best behavior”? How do we ever know if our shidduch isn’t a totally different personality than what we are seeing?
…..I didn’t mean to say sem girls are brainwashed, but you know what I mean.