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some say he was one of the 3 advisers of paroh. many say he never existed and is just a mashal. some say he was during the times of the shoftim… in any case there is sooo much to learn from that sefer. many schools don’t learn it as they can’t really finish tanach and they never get a chance to get to the end of kesuvim. also it is a sefer with many hard ideas. fyi i did learn most of it in sem pretty recently
i went for the past 3 yrs and to say it very simply i absolutely loved it. i had the time of my life in a good way. my first year was TC year. i was really nervous cuz most girls already had their friends from the yrs before but it was not an issue at all. the girls were so friendly and welcoming. the next 2 yr i was staff. i luved both being and camper in that amazing camp. of u have any questions u can ask here and i’ll try my best to answer.
I got my dor yesharim blood test right at the end of last year- just a couple of short months ago. The lady there was literally begging us to tell our parents to check BEFORE even the first date. She said it shouldn’t be the first thing you inquire from the other side but she was begging us to do it before you go out at all! She also did mention that it’s NO BIG DEAL and that they would prefer to to check millions of extra times then to have even one person told they are not compatible at any stage of dating
Ten Lo is my favorite by far!!!!! Habibi ranks as second.
Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
Don’t you know any normal boys?
I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
Who said life was supposed to be fair?
If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!
You call that noise “music?”
We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!
You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
This is your last warning!
I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don’t you understand?
I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s father!
Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?
You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
You know you’re always going to be Daddy’s little girl.
I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
Don’t use that tone with me!
Am I talking to a brick wall?
Don’t make me stop the car!
WIY- all these jokes are already on this thread (besides the last one i think) but thanx for trying!
Morris was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later, she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed it shut and went angrily back into the house.
A few minutes later, she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, Morris had to ask her, “Is something wrong, Sharon?”
“There certainly is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, “Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you’ll never get it back.”
FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITTANICA
45 VOLUMES
EXCELLENT CONDITION
NO LONGER NEEDED
JUST GOT MARRIED
WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
nope! I use the cut & paste- but shhhhhh, don’t tell!
Sadie and Bernie were well into their 80s and were still able to look after themselves. Until, that is, the day a police car pulled up outside their house and out stepped Bernie. The policeman who escorted Bernie to the door was kind and understanding. He explained to Sadie that Bernie told him he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Oh Bernie,” said Sadie, “How on earth could you get yourself lost? You’ve been going to that park for over 25 years.”
Sadie was a Reuters journalist. One year, she was assigned to their Jerusalem office and her apartment overlooked the Wailing Wall. On her first morning, as she was getting ready to go to the office, she looked out her window and saw an old man praying vigorously, his head bobbing up and down rapidly. So Sadie, seeing an interesting story in the making, went down to talk to him.
Sadie asked him, “How often do you come here to pray?”
“Every day,” he replied. “I have come here to pray on this spot every day for the last 20 years.”
“You come every day to the wall? What are you praying for?” Sadie asked.
The old man replies,” I pray for peace in this angry world in the morning. Then I go home, have my lunch, and come back in the afternoon. Then I pray for a world free of illness and disease.”
Sadie is amazed. “How do you feel coming here every day for 20 years and praying for these things?” she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. “Like I’m talking to a wall.”
Does anyone else have any jokes to share???
Not really funny-
Two Yeshiva students are discussing whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any agreement.
So Yankel says to Moishe, “We will go and ask the Rebbe.”
When they find the Rabbi, Yankel asks him, “Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?”
The rabbi replies in a severe tone of voice: “Certainly not!”
Moishe then addresses the Rabbi, “Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?”
The Rabbi immediately replies, with a warm smile, “Yes, of course!”
“Do you suffer any pain?” asked her doctor.
“No.”
“But doctor,” cried Yenta, ” you don’t know what a boring person I am!”
Hette has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured that since she’s got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the colour of her hair!
But tragedy – some weeks later, as Hette is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she left the hospital.
When Hette arrives in front of God, she asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”.
God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping in Brent Cross and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.
Maurice, a young Jew comes to North London and applies for a job as caretaker at the Edgware Synagogue. The synagogue committee were just about to offer him the job when they discover that he is illiterate. They decide for many reasons that it would be inappropriate to have an illiterate caretaker. So Maurice leaves and decides to forge a career in another business. He chooses to sell plastic goods door to door. He does well and soon is able to buy a car and later, to open a store, and then a second. Finally he is ready to open 5 more stores and so applies to the bank for a loan. But when the bank manager asks him to sign the contract, it was obvious that he could not write. Shocked to discover that this successful young man had little education, the bank manager says, “Just think what you could have been if you had learned to read and write.”
“Yes,” says Maurice, “I would be caretaker at Edgware synagogue.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer…
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The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling…
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
“Be good and for your birthday I’ll buy you a motorcycle!”
“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Don’t bother wearing a coat, it’s quite warm out.”
“Let me smell that shirt. Yes, it’s good for another week yet.”
“I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.”
“Yes, I used to skip school, too.”
“Just leave all the lights on, it makes the house more cheery.”
“Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?”
“I don’t have a tissue with me–just use your sleeve.”
“Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.”
“Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main roads?”
“My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You children don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?”
A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps…
Meyer took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?”
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his pet again, “How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with me?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?”
A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength … and the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools…and the intelligence… to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew’s bar mitzvah. But he didn’t want to miss the rabbi’s sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
“Morris I’m ashamed of the way we live,” a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.
“My father Moshe pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister Marilyn buys our clothes. My aunt Becky bought us a car…. I’m just so ashamed.”
Morris, the husband, rolled over on the couch. “You should be ashamed,” he agreed. “Yosie and Aaron, those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent!”
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going
to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to
marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you
know?
The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
An old one- but it still gives me a laugh every time.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
If your looking to learn how to use any program really well there’s a cheap site called lynda.com it’s $25 dollars a month for unlimited hours. their certificate is recognized in many places. (Not for college/credits)
I’m not sure what the original poster was refering to but it depends on which SEED program. My vary close friend (single girl going into sem) went to Palo Alto and it was totally fine, she was supervised when she had any contact wit the girls. When married couples go, they have to be waaaaay more careful.
I’m soooo sorry! I didn’t read the whole thread and i forgot that 2 months ago my sister was using my user account. Please accept my deepest apologies.
– 43 (AKA h2)
OK, I’ll take 81. Even though i don’t post that much, I still always came back to catch up.
c’mon did noone else ever do the shtick of switching keyboards/mouses in computer or pulling out a power strip? Anyone else attached hands to feet with a clear string? Leave a note on the teachers deks saying you are all hiding somewhere and basically sending her on a huge treasure hunt to find you? Have you ever had the whole class write “I plead the 5th” for every answer on the test? Or anything else? I’m sure! so can you please share the halirious results and make everyone laugh a little!
anything on 43 (other then the mark on my last chumash test-jj)- if there is I’ll take that
Does anyone know how i can hear the happy birthday song (not just the mostly music preview) thanx!
I was in camp bnos in 2005 when it was made up. It was made up for the band by Chayala (Hartstein)Neuhouse. It is copyrighted. If you want her number I can let you know. If you want it for something personal I beleive I may have the tape of the 2005 band that I can send you.
Oh! I love this topic! Designer clothes is the biggest joke! Did you know that access (one of Kohl’s junk companies) and juicy are both made by liz claiborne!
banana republic and old navy are the same, chaps is a division of ralph lauren…!!!!! the more you know, the more you laugh!
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.”
The Italian guy says, “If I get another slice of pizza, I’ll kill myself.”
The redneck says, “If I get another ham hock, I’ll kill myself.”
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man’s wife says, “If only I hadn’t packed an egg roll that day.”
The Italian guy’s wife says, “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of pizza that day.”
“Don’t look at me,” says the redneck’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.”
Thank you mepal- those were great!
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde’s headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
omg, hello- this is my favoritest thread,how in the world did it fall off the page???????
funnybunny- thanx so much for reviving my favorite thread!
Even though i didn’t comment for a while i am still readind this every night! thanx for the entertainment!!!!!!
President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary’s room.
She complains that it’s the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes,
Mr. President–I’ll remove the mirrors right away.
I have a neighbor who is severly handicapped cuz when he was a baby, his mother was doing a few things at once and dropped the baby- the floor was ceramic tiles. now I know people that won’t put ceramic tiles in their house- but no!!! get the message right a mother must be more careful when holding her baby! Same with everything else here- don’t say I’ll watch my kids playing with rubberbands, or not wearing a helmet…
Personally, I go for some of the older books like the unanswered cry, far from a place called home, even like conquer thge darkness… these books are shorter so you don’t have to stay up all night to finish them. Also, they are good for some of the kids. happy reading!!!
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
hello! i’m finally back from camp. thanks a lot for not letting this fall too far down. i think i came home just in time to help thi thread. not my best but this will do for now:
A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.
Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, “You kids are a lot of fun. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the man tells the kids, “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.
A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. “Look,” he says, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?”
“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaims. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts. We quit.”
Hiya all! I’m still in camp but I got access to a computer for a fer hours so I was just checking up on this thread and I think it needs help so here’s one that popped into my head. Enjoy it and PLEASE keep this thread alive!
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
“You haven’t been painting as much road as you did on the first day,” the manager said. ”What’s the problem?”
”I’d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!”’
Have no fear- I don’t intend to take over anyone’s job, I’m just helping my favorite thread stay alive. Oh btw, I’m leaving to camp on tues. morning so that’s the end of this for a month. When I come back, I expect to see this thread still on the home page. I know my good freinds here won’ t let me down. And now for tonight’s joke…
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?” The man replies, “Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window.”