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Sac-
I’m sorry, but just because you may have feelings for someone it does not mean that a friend should not go out with that guy. I’m really sorry that it didn’t work out for you, but we believe that everything happens for a reason, and if you did not marry him he was obviously not meant for you. Now that should give free reign to anyone else to try and see if he is their bashert. If not, then no hard feelings on any end, and if they do end up getting married that is just further proof that he was meant for her and not for you.
You dont own the dating rights to a person just because you may have dated them in the past. If we were talking about second marriages and someone’s ex husband, I think we would all agree that is a different situation?
Tomim Tihye-
Although what other posters wrote seems more glamorous, the real heros of the storm are the poor mothers who had to look after their broods of school-less, home-bound and bored children!
You really got the brunt of it!
Dunno-
Sometimes its good to give things some thought. I feel like sometimes people just do away with situations that might work out if some effort was put into it. Some people (especially boys) have the “disposable attitude”, if this doesn’t work out for me on the first shot then I’ll just dump it and move on to the next one.
When it is the right one, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is going to go smoothly and without any hitches. Sometimes, people need to work on things together in order for a relationship to develop. Don’t give up on someone just because some effort may be needed.
While I can’t do much to help you with the math calculations (math was never my strongest subject 🙂 I think that there is another important point to be considered:
When a frum girl reaches her mid to late 20’s she is no longer redt to guys who are within her age group. Instead, she is redt to guys who are in their mid to late 30’s. From what I have seen, guys who were never married at that age usually are not typical. I know this sounds mean, but I think it is true in many cases.
It is possible that you will find a single guy that age who is totally normal, but I think those are few and far between. On the other hand, girls who are in their mid to late 20’s have a greater ability to remain status-quo and will not go for a guy like I have described above.
These are just my personal thoughts on the matter. If you think I am way off the mark, let me know.
MACYS!!! Especially the one in the city, on 34th street.
new2thescene:
I think that your perspective is rare for a guy currently in the dating scene. From what I have seen and heard, guys in the parsha feel that everything is coming to them. It is refreshing to hear that you feel for the other side as well.
Thank you for your genuine tefillos! In this situation, all tefillos are welcome!
I’m not saying that a man will divorce his wife if she gains a few pounds. I doubt that anyone is THAT superficial. On the other hand, there is a possibility that the husband will put pressure on his wife to regain her figure, which is an unfair expectation to demand from a woman who just went through 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth and months of nursing.
“Why all the recent carping about the guys hold all the cards in shidduchim?”
Because these issues have only surfaced recently. When my parents were dating, the world wasn’t so skewed in favor of the boys.
(BTW- Can’t you just tell that the OP is a man, that is such a male attitude!)
My Father My King
Praying with Fire
A Daily Companion
A Letter for the Ages
Nefesh Shimshon on emunah- (not set up for daily learning, but you can break it up yourself)
“I have heard that the incidence of women withholding the get is as common as men withholding it”
Well maybe the answer lies in the source of your information. Where have you heard that a woman withholding a get is as common as a man doing so?
If you know someone who’s wife withheld a get, that does not mean that it is as common as the opposite.
There is absolutely no way to predict what changes a woman may experience due to pregnancy and childbirth.
I think that most husbands are mature and realize this. At some point during a marriage (and I hope it is sooner rather than later) the focus on the external is secondary, and the relationship is one that transcends the external and is more internal.
I hope that most men who get married learn to look beyond the external, and love their wife for who she is and not how she looks. If a woman gains a few pounds she shouldn’t have to worry that her husband will no longer love her.
Rocky-
I think there is usually less checking on the girls side because the reality is that girls have to be less picky. A boy has a long list of amazing girls that are all more than willing to go out with him at any time. They have the luxury of being picky, and looking for the best of everything, because chances are they can get whatever they want.
I like to joke sometimes that if the boy is alive and breathing, that’s about all I have to know in order to date him.
Of course, like you said, the only solution is davening. Whenever I get stressed out from this whole process I remind myself that whenever Hashem wants me to meet my bashert, nothing is going to hold it back from happening. It really helps to put things into perspective!
I think that all frum magicians tell the audience before the show or at the end of the show that all the tricks he did were illusions. I know that some magicians even show how some tricks are done, just to prove his point.
You have to keep an open mind and not make a blanket statement that all overweight girl are unattractive. Yes, it may be that you did not find any attraction to the girl that you dated, but in the future you may find another overweight girl who does attract you.
Also, for obvious reasons, you failed to say how you define overweight. Many people in the frum community define overweight as a size 12. That is not overweight! That is called healthy/average! If your date was severely overweight, then I don’t think that anyone can blame you.
And, like others have mentioned, you may marry a small girl now, but after girls have babies, their figure changes. Your previously size 8 wife may now be a size 14, just 10 short months after you married her.
I had a teacher in seminary who only taught us on Sunday and Monday, and after her class on Monday she would wish us a good Shabbos. This put us all in panic mode because it reminded us that we had to find a place to go for Shabbos.
rocky-
my numbers were just estimates. My point was that a learning boy has a list the length of a megillah, and as soon as one girl is nixed, it’s on to the next one on the list.
For some reason, I don’t pity you. Being a mother of two girls in the parsha is far more stressful, though it may mean less hours of checking out.
new2thescene-
I hear what you are saying… having more dates does not guarantee that you will find the right one any faster.
But I can tell you from experience, waiting at home for the phone to ring is not a very good feeling at all. At least boys do not have that nisayon…
That depends greatly on a few factors. For a girl, the prettier, skinnier and richer she is the more dates she will have. I know people who go on 2 dates a year, (meaning 2 boys, could be more than 1 date each…) and some people who go out with 20 boys a year. It all depends…
Average learning boy I would say goes on about 25-30 dates a year- one every 2 weeks or so… but that’s just an estimate…
PB
no prob! great minds think alike and fools never differ 🙂
I don’t think the shidduch forum was set up to guarantee more dates. Its just a forum to ask questions and get answers from those in the know. Similar to the Chinuch Roundtable which is not meant to solve all the problems with the school system nowadays, but to get answers from reputable mechanchim.
popa-
I also think that it is an insane amount of money to spend on a doll, but your reasoning is wrong. Have you ever seen an American girl doll? They are far from perfect. They have a mushy body, which means they have no figure, and also they have spaces between their teeth! What is so perfect about that, that girl are trying to emulate?
PB
you seemed to have gotten over it pretty quickly
I’m not sure one can say that older singles go off the derech, but they do become less enthusiastic about yiddeshkeit in general.
It is very hard to keep up the inspiration from high school and seminary many years later, especially since many girls end up in college or a workplace that is not a frum environment.
I know many older singles, whom when they started dating at 19 they were looking for long time kollel, but as the years went on the requirements dwindled and now they are not interested in kollel at all.
“not the same people. maybe she’s just busy.”
BUSY? Common! Who is busy nowadays? You can never be so busy that you can’t comment on the CR!
Well Sac- is that the reason? Hu? Hu?
getting your finger stuck between your desk and your chair! Now that hurt!
walking around with a huge run in your tights the whole day
Sac- I guess you think that its beneath you to comment on a thread that does not make you sound like the most intelligent one in the (coffee) room
cshapiro-
oh its a joke? I was really planning on coming along! lol
Oh well, I guess I’ll have to entertain myself some other way, as if I have nothing else to do with my life…
Sac-
well there goes my theory.
My next guess is that you secretly like WIY, and are mourning his loss
my theory is that Sac and WIY are the same guy/girl. Its too much of a coincidence that they both left at the same time.
Multiple personality syndrome is a real disease that may affect members of the CR. Google it, folks
Hey peeps we are totally getting ahead of ourselves here because apparently Sac has disappeared. We should dispatch the three musketeers team to have a search party to recover sac. PB you could join if you wish…
Hey- maybe Sac and WIY are the same person! Thats why both of them have left!
You have to know your kid and him temperament. if he is the type of kid to be on it all the time, it will definitely take over his life and interfere with his studies. Also, you must make sure to be on top of which games he buys, and make sure he does not purchase any games that are rated T (for teen) or M (for mature) any of these games are very inappropriate for a ben torah. Also, you must also be aware that there is goyish music on any game he will purchase, and it is likely he will become accustomed to many songs he would never have otherwise. If this does not bother you, I would say go for it. There are some very harmless games. Also if you get the wii there are great exercise games that really get you off the couch and moving!
K, peeps, gotta make sure you come prepared. You must be wearing all black, big aviator sunglasses, and if you have any old walkie talkies that would be awesome.
PB
Barbie is so last year! We’re into American Girl dolls now!
Count me in folks! I’ll have to stake us out a good yenting position!
I hope Sac didn’t get scared off by all this wedding talk. Maybe she’s getting cold feet!
PB
around 45 minutes or so
PB-
something like that, maybe because when sports are actually played, it gets kind of embarrassing. A high scoring basketball game might end 6-5. as in 6 points to five points.
cshapiro-
if you can’t beat em, join em. We have to start thinking about names for the kids, iy”h.
Its okay, I could just be a fly on the wall.
cshapiro-
Wow! Ur getting ahead of yourself!
PB-
that’s really funny. I had a similar experience, (were I tought a league captain the rules) though that is not saying much. Sports in girls camps are laughable.
PB-
Now should I take that as an insult or not?
I am actually a girl
popa-
interesting… because PB just “agreed” to meet Sac without seeing a pic first.
And in my humble opinion, WIY was beating around the bush for too long. PB deserves it cuz at least he is straightforward.
Ma Chovaso-
What? How can a society survive without leadership. We lead to vote on a new leader soon, or we will go the way of many an unfortunate society…
PB-
what? Biggest know-it-all award?
on the original topic thread-
I hate when people think they know everything and can never be wrong.
Hey guys- I know I haven’t really been in the discussion until now, but can I come too? Pretty pretty please?
Sac- since you are the one paying- don’t worry I’ll only order a 36 oz steak.
Sac- Maybe this will begin a trend!
PB will become a Renaissance man! A revolutionary!
I nominate Sac- I think she fits the bill exactly.
Anyone care to second my nomination?
PB-
Hi there!