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go to the gym and get a personal trainer, watch what you eat and when you eat it. this should work! Good luck!!
Ok. She’s dating an Irish Catholic- if she really wanted to escape religion and rules (catholic have strict beliefs)she’d go for a liberal, atheistic guy I was wondering why felt accepted with a Catholic since they’re not tolerant type of pple
Yes. many if not most happy content teens who have loving stable homes will not go of the derech unless their friends have more influence on their lives. It doesn’t sound like she had friends or support from her community—which is upsetting but prob. b/c they were scared to get badly influenced by her.
The Chilul Hashem is awful and we have try not to let this happen again.
I was so upset to hear she’s planning on writing a series on the crime in the Chassidish community—pure anti-self-Semetic books..the non-Jews don’t respect her and the MO are embarrassed that she associates herself with them..
Her language sounds like WHITE TRASH it’s not proper and sophisticated it’ the utmost embarrassing thing that happened–b/c the media/secular love writing and filming of such extremists (Arabs, anyone who’s so-called extreme) they got their hands on a winner who will muck rack the entire Chassidish community will her filth. Which all completely biased!!
After hearing all about this and seeing what a Major Chilul Hashem was brought about from this. We have to learn to make each and every member of Klal Yisroel feel welcome and if unfortunately when there are such cases of dysfunctional families and individuals who are not getting the right treatment.
(Based on her own words I see a major mental illness that went untreated). It could be no one was available to help her, but she fell through the cracks and now is taking out her frustrations about leading such a miserable life on her lifestyle which may or most probably didn’t cause her to be so angry and frustrated. She had no support and now in her words she feels supported. It’s so sad but it’s nebach on her and her son who’s not given a chance (with a mother like that it will be hard for him to connect to Chassidim -his extended family as well)
Many Chasidim I know are so happy and content. Their rules and stringencies are intense and are there to help them maintain and preserve their Chasidish lifestyle.
First of all make sure it’s a significant amount of weight (with all the eating disorders out there) I would suggest limiting the nosh and increasing fun activities..
Be careful about how you address the weight issue if it’s something that he is made fun of. It will affect his self confidence. There’s a fine line between watching and giving the child a complex.
I would recommend speaking to your pediatrician, nutritionist and a personal trainer for advice.
It’s best to give everyone in the house the same healthy foods so the child wont feel different. Incorporate exercise and sport into the family’s activites.
As mentioned by prob. majority of the posters here, We get to choose what lifestyle we want whether someone wants a learning boy or a learner/earner.
The fact is that a learning boy will not be working so therefore somehow there has to be an income.
A poster mentioned that her parents can’t support and doesn’t feel she’s on the page as a working boy(personally I know of many really great frum working boys)So I suggest that she try if possible to get a profession in order to support.
The fact that a kollel couple can live nicely is a solely dependent on how they’re being supported-it’s individual to each couple.
I’m trying to be as objective as possible, I think those who don’t approve of supporting kollel couples should prob. take a walk into a kollel neighborhood you’ll be pleasantly surprised, to me it’s very beautiful (even if some of them live nicely-their life is torahdik)And those who are pro-kollel can also see the beauty of someone who’s father works and learns every spare minute he can and makes sure to daven with a minyan,shuirim,has a chavusa,the home is torahdik and full of a love for yiddishkeit..
Everyone in Klal Yisroel has diffrent roles in order to serve Hashem
I have many friends who married at 19-20 yrs old have wonderful marriages B”H who I observed during my single yrs (I got married at 23). I also saw the stresses that girls go through on a daily basis-there’s real life involved.
You have to be ready and well prepared for it. I”YH I wish you Hatzlacha in making the biggest decision of your life!
For a successful marriage you’ll need maturity,confidence,decision making,communication and compromise skills. Each person is unique and I can’t say that someone young 18 yrs old is any more ready than someone 23 yrs old.
But the younger you are the more emotional, financial and family support you’ll need aside from a supportive, mature,happy,stable husband.
So I would say don’t date at 18 yrs old (could still be in 12th grade though finish up high school if necessary)
I tell girls to read Frum dating books to prepare yourself, go to seminary-you’ll have Chinuch,Marriage classes. It’s never to early to go to shuirim and you could listen on Torahanytime.com
Basically 18 yrs old isn’t too early as long as you’re well aware of what marriage entails.
For Learner/earner types; I do know of yeshivas where boys are allowed to go to school and work look into boys from:
Torah V’Daas and Chofetz Chaim yeshivas I’m sure there are more but these are popular for allowing boys to work.
Learner/Earner types: Many of the professional shadcahnim know all types. So I would call them up and ask I can’t think of any shadchan who only deals with learner/earner/working boys.
Look into these organization-
Gateway organization 845-290-8722, gatewaysconnections.com
Binyan Adey Ad 718-256-7525,Fax 718-831-7069,[email protected]
Kesher 718-576-1094,Fax 718-686-6610,[email protected]
No problem, Hatzlacha!! May you (everyone out there) find your zivug hagun bekarov!!
There are more so post if you need more contacts. Also you mentioned you saw a list of shadchanim on the ywn..I took a look at it many of them deal with learning boys (might not be in such a large scale)
Look out of Brooklyn into Lakewood:
Lakewood- Rabbi Meir Levi 732-364-2542
Rabbi Lewenstein 732-370-9456 732-370-6790 323-351-7648
Gateways connections -has a website
-Rabbi Friedman 732-995-4474. ([email protected])
Rabbi Yankelowitz(718-846-3472) 718-989-4862
These Shadchanim know learning boys:
Mrs. Sara Richards 718-435-8071,718-853-2167,718-851-5074, [email protected]
Mrs. Chana Rose 718-253-2374,[email protected]
These Shidduch Organizations are in Brooklyn:(reputable shadchanim work for them)
Binyan Adey Ad 718-256-7525,Fax 718-831-7069,[email protected]
Kesher 718-576-1094,Fax 718-686-6610,[email protected]
are we allowed to post names?
I hear both sides pros and cons:
They’re engaged so they’re very involved and keeping up with each other..but it could also make them a little too involved and they might step back and find out stuff make them rethink their engagement.
It can be perfectly fine if you’re just messaging and texting but the wall statuses (public view) gets problematic– I’d say don’t update statuses and post pics of you guys (or make sure u keep it to a minimum)
Whatever it is Mazel Tov if ur engaged!!
I agree that a couple must be on the page hashkafa wise, there are great working guys out there,tell the people you network with /shadchanim that you want a learner-earner—
it might not be as common place-since guys are encouraged to stay in learning until marriage (or in order to get a “good shidduch”)
If you feel that you must marry a learning guy go ahead but try to figure out how you’ll support it could come from a combo of his parents/yours and you as well.
Girls can be very creative in finding ways to support.
I think someone should make a list of shadchanim and who they deal with-also the shadchans background
Maybe it could be a list on YWN as a seperate page for singles/parent to access;
it could look like this:
Mrs.Shadchan,#,email,lives in”___”-deals with yeshivish learning, ages 21-29,Mrs. went to B.Y #1 and mostly knows the very yeshivish learning boys in yeshiva “______”. Shadchan’s Rav is “__” to find out if she’s someone you’d feel comfortable setting you up.
Rabbi Shadchan,#,email,lives in”___”-deals with men who are learning and working, ages 27-49,Rabbi. went to yeshiva #1 and mostly knows the MO machmir/Frum not yeshivish men on the Upper West Side. Shadchan’s Rav is “__” to find out if he’s someone you’d feel comfortable setting you up.
If the girl wants a learner they’re expected to support, yes the mothers like to know before they say yes to a date. That’s how it is, Seems like around 2000-3000 depending on the month, right?
It’s funny someone said this is causing a shidduch crisis. I don’t think so if this is the lifestyle the couple wants and the parents support them it’s fine. if they can’t support then the girls will marry working boys or the girls can support (if she can).
Sounds like you’re looking for a learner (in his 20s).it’s a very broad type/there’s so many yeshivas, so I would call a friend who knows you to suggest which few shadchanim to meet.
The professional shadchanim are very well known (they write in the newspapers)I’m not sure if I can post their names but try googling shadchanim in brooklyn you’ll prob. get a few names and #’s.
Possibly that’s what I’m trying to find out what caused it.
When people act a certain way there’s always a reason. I’m trying it’s like pulling out rotten skeletons from a closet. It’s not pleasant but I’m trying.
so does that mean when they ask me about support should i say well there are people who live on nothing and are fine if this isn’t how you see yourself living then i wont set it up.
or should i say go out and find out if your interested and then figure out the money business.
really. what makes you so sure were you or are you in a similar situation and besides I had full guidance from my Rav/some other people in every action I’m taking. It seems to me that you are exploding at me and telling me to back off. due to your own experiences.January 31, 2012 1:45 am at 1:45 am in reply to: Why do some hard to please boys have to go out with a hundred girls? #918871
how could u judge someone in terms of how picky/or not picky they should be?
If you aren’t picky fine but they might care more about somethings and it’s really their life
btw 44 is not tons. if they go out often enough
ya, it’s crazy how people fight over nonsense but there’s a fight and then there’s keeping up the fight which actually takes a lot of effort on their side to keep it going!!
We can only try I spoke to a few Rabbanim and some of their friends (whom we share mutual acquaintances with making sure they wont tell I spoke to them) We’re working together–the trip was a Rav’s idea! so I listened to it.
And soon I’m planning a get together (their friends will invite them out and me and my husband will be at the next table–meaning they’ll be forced to speak to us because they wouldn’t want to embarrass themselves!
I’m so grateful to their friends!January 31, 2012 12:19 am at 12:19 am in reply to: Why do some hard to please boys have to go out with a hundred girls? #918867
I’ve recently got involved in shidduchim but I only work with people I know and they trust that I won’t send them an off target idea. It might not be for them but it’s in the ball park I see the need many more people should get out there and try to network and set up people they know.
So you don’t rely totally on the shadchanim who already are bombarded with calls/emails.
So your average couple can think off ideas and start working on dates for people they know personally. Believe me both the guy and girl will say yes to you more than a shadchan who really is matching up 2 papers.January 30, 2012 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm in reply to: Why do some hard to please boys have to go out with a hundred girls? #918865
Back when I was dating I went out with so many guys until I met my husband on the other hand my husband went out with only a handful of girls before.
So it works both ways and besides no one guy or girl wants to be told that they’re picky so continue working with the so called picky guys they’re bound to go for a girl if them up with someone on target. For ex. if he’s 6 ft and he wants someone over 5 ft 3 and u set him up with someone who’s 4 ft 11 then he might say no.
Take their preferences into consideration to be more on target.
If a guy is learning and you set him up with someone who won’t/can’t support you’ll also get a no.
There are so many common sense examples think out of the shadchan mindset of oh! I have a guy let me suggest every girl (his age) on my list to him –try to feel him out and speak to him not the mother he goes on the date (his mother might agree but he might not)
Let her first see some positive happy marrieds, because the men I know only dated girls who were excited to date them and in the frum world we date for marriage (opposed to the secular, just friends, casual dating).
Have her talk it out, visit stable families, see real caring, loving and secure couples.
I would say wait it out with a month of working out her issues and then let her date she might end up really liking a guy–but she has to know to date for marriage!
I guess I’m trying to protect the guys because they might like her (which is very likely) and she wont commit!
This sounds a bit over the top but my husband and I are sending $$$ to potentially use for a vacation and giving it to them without asking for anything in return (hoping they’ll come to their senses).It’s not something I can really afford at this moment it’s coming out of our savings but my husband and I think showering them with a great vacation like this might just blow them over.
If it doesn’t work I’ll know in my heart and conscience that I did everything possible to stop it and it’s out of my hands!
I called to let them know $$ is sent in the mail and they can use it for a vacation.
I feel sorry for them, that’s the truth because they can’t get over/ out of stuff.
I spoke to a Rav and he told me that it’s basically out of my hands you can’t literally force someone to apologize to you or get someone who has issues (mindset) to change without them getting help.
But he did say (which I plan on doing) is to have a family meeting with your family and explain how not everyone behaves the way you would like them to and some people even your relatives can be dysfunctional (how do you tell that to a 9 yr old they wouldn’t understand)
–I need to think about how I am going to present it to my kids it’s going to be tough!!
What I gained from speaking to my Rav was venting and also how to cope and deal with dysfunctional people.
Did anyone have to do this or tell kids not to get hurt by someone’s behavior because adults don’t know how to act???!!!
It’s important for her to see healthy marriages and happy couples and experience all the positive aspects of married life…Instead of explaining what marriage is show her a beautiful happy married couple!!
She might be hearing/or experienced the negatives and unhealthy marriages or even divorces that have influenced her outlook…
A typical 19-20 yr old is excited to date and get married..so you might want to find out what caused the “no I don’t want to get married outlook”. Good luck!!
It’s soo hard to come to terms that this will be the reality for the next generations and it’s hopeless…sort of like I’m pouring my heart out and stressing myself to the core while no one can do anything about it!!
One time I was talking with my close friend and she said something bad about her sister-in law and I said your so lucky you have people to fight and argue with…she’s like huh?? I said your so lucky since my own cousins won’t even look at me!! And I spoke to everyone and I don’t know what caused it…she supported me and said I should re-approach them which I did and then as I said on a previous post it’s so hard…
I wish (I would give anything to get rid of this!!) I would even pay (any amount of $$$)them in order for my children to have a cordial life!!
One thing I know is that when people fight and argue they have a chance to resolve the issue but silence is so horrible it’s worse than anything else in the world.
Is the true answer to keep up the ignoring and disgusting behavior Or is there some hope left??
My husband can’t believe they can act this way and get away with it…He’s nice and loves everyone (that’s how he grew up)..I wish I can make peace!! Please tell me should I go to a mediator/social worker/Rav etc. to get them to talk it out???
Ok. but it’s coming from my kids more than myself they want to know them and they even go to the same schools and share many mutaul friends together!!
So backing off doesn’t seem like it will accomplish any more then whats happened until now it’s going on for 2 generations!!
Really, I approached the children and explained how childish this whole thing is and what should I do about it but their response was
“you don’t understand we can’t do anything about it” —because it will cause a BIG FIGHT in our family”—
basically they’ve been taught not to face their problems but to avoid everything (it’s come out in many relationships they’ve had and if someone rubs them the wrong way they get angry) and won’t face conflict/problems and sit down to talk about it cause they’re scared of the reaction blowing up!
It’s already ingrained in their kids to hate us and think negatively of us they’ve done a good job in whatever misguided parenting tactics they implement to make them act horribly to the kids of the family as well!!
The adults (from my end) did get involved and reached out to them to break this up but they ever once got a return phone call or response!!
It’s funny another thing is that they respect some of the family members for ulterior reasons (wealth) and they want to look good and actually want to keep up with them (money wise) So those relatives have power over them and they want to maintain ties with them for the sake of Shalom Bayis!
I’m all for people being nice to them but don’t they realize it’s disgusting that they can act so nice to those families and not my family???
Should I call their Rav and find out what’s going on???
I really need guidance!
Also I have called and wrote to them with out any response back from them. So I assumed they didn’t get the calls but when I asked someone who does speak to them what happened they said that they were upset at me (because I wrote to them) and don’t want me to get involved.
What’s that supposed to mean do they think they can get away with this nonsense???!!! Whoever I speak to says feel sorry for them that they don’t know how to behave properly. But What I want to know is what for?? Why do they hate us soo much???
Really I want advice on how to solve this problem (and it’s also therapeutic to vent)
That is the crazy thing about this problem no one understands it first of all there’s no money involved no yerusha or a/t like that.. it’s a “getting along” problem (don’t worry I tried to dig up all the possibilities of what caused the problem without much success! I contacted many many people to try to find out what went wrong…
There seems to be a track record of their family getting insultedslighted by people and they hold grudges and cant let go of it!!
I kind of wish it would be a money problem or something else!!! Something more concrete!!!
For example they don’t talk to some neighbors or some cousins who they felt intimidated by.
So I’m not here to sort out their problems but I don’t appreciate the silent treatment for doing nothing to them it’s baseless hatred REAL sinas chinam I had enough and I’m stuck ’cause what am I supposed to do???