WolfishMusings

Rabbeinu Tam said, “It is preferable for a woman to be an Agunah her whole life than to get a doubtful GET.

Source, please. I’d like to see the context in which this was said.

The Wolf

(The shadchan also asked if her first name bothers him but I didn’t mention that so that anyone else with that name wouldn’t feel self conscience about it.)

Well, here you never know.

I know someone who, when she dated refused to date men with a certain very common name.

But she had a logical reason for it. Her father passed away fairly young and no one in her family had been able to name a child for him. She *really* wanted to do so, and so she refused to date anyone with the same name as her father.

As she was an older single, I thought she was doing the wrong thing in limiting her dating opportunities. Nonetheless, she managed to find a very nice guy with a different name.

Her father now has a little grandson named after him. This is one of the times that I am very happy to have been shown to be wrong.

The Wolf

A white linen cloth

One Shabbos, just for a change, we did everything in green. 🙂

Green base tablecloth (with a white overlay), green napkins, green plates, green cups. Green doilies were put on the non-eating surfaces. Green water under the oil in the leichter. The desert was green jello. There were green liquers for drinking. And I even got green roses for the table. A (somewhat blurry) picture of it can be seen here:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DDoC1Thx8I8/RaUJQNfXwbI/AAAAAAAAAAw/h5PaGPWaYKE/s1600-h/IMG_0497.JPG

A (better) picture of the liquers can be seen here:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DDoC1Thx8I8/RaUJdNfXwcI/AAAAAAAAAA4/UJQBoiSb6iQ/s1600-h/IMG_0500.JPG

We had a guest that Shabbos and, yes, she had green sheets and green blankets. 🙂

The Wolf

“Oh, in that case never mind, her mother said it’s not good for a Kohain to marry a red head!”

??????????

The Wolf

Shabbos should be different and enhanced. How the Shabbos table is treated is an indication of your kavode Shabbos.

It should also be pointed out that how it is different and enhanced is based on the individual person or family. It’s whatever makes it special for you.

I remember quite clearly one time in school mentioning in class that the previous Friday night we had meatballs and spaghetti for the Shabbos seuda. When my rebbi at the time heard that, he practically flew into a rage, telling everyone that meatballs was a weekday meal and “not good enough” for Shabbos. In his opinion, our having meatballs and spaghetti meant that we weren’t showing the proper kavod to Shabbos. I didn’t tell him that this was something that we *only* had on Shabbos — at that stage of the game I hadn’t yet learned how to spot fallacies and debate — not to mention the fact that I was quite a bit intimidated and surprised at the outburst.

Heh. To this day, meatballs and spaghetti is still a Shabbos favorite in our home. And, yes, it is a Shabbos treat and it does make Shabbos special for us (since we don’t have it during the week — except as leftovers).

The Wolf

B’H yes, why do you ask?

OK, then you might understand.

A young guy meets a young girl and it’s love at first sight. Within three weeks they know they want to marry each other but, at that point, they simply aren’t ready for marriage.

Do you *really* think that at that point, we could have just walked away from each other for three years and then just picked things up right after the wedding? Do you think the relationship would have been the same?

IOW, relationships just don’t work that way. As a married guy, you can understand that.

The Wolf

NB: I’m not necessarily defending the relationship – I’m just answering his question of “why didn’t you…”

I could go on and on. There will be very few intact marriages if we go with such kind of reasonong.

People change. Love changes.

I think you’re overstating things here. Yes, people change. I’m not the same person that I was when I first met Eeees 22+ years ago. She’s not the same person she was then either.

But we learned to grow *together*. Yes, we’ve had “hot” periods and “cold” periods in our marriage, but I like to think that most people have a vested interest in saving their marriage and will work towards either fixing the problem or adapting the marriage to work around it.

You make it sound like most couples run to the divorce lawyer at the first sign of trouble. I’d be willing to bet dollars-to-donuts that those cases are a very small minority. The vast majority of people, I believe, try very hard to save their marriages and come to a decision to divorce only after much soul-searching, contemplation and quite a few tears.

The Wolf

You obviously did not understand clearheaded correctly.

That’s why I asked. 🙂

The Wolf

mosherose, of course you’re allowed to make “silly talk” with your future spouse.

LAer, you missed his point. He objected to “silly talk” I made with Eeees during the last month — and we’re married 19 years!

The Wolf

it doesn’t say the mohel gave in, and did the bris

I understood that. I was speaking in general that I’d be very shocked if a mohel gave in to parental pressure.

IANAM, but if I were and a parent insisted on a bris over my better judgment, I would tell them to get a different mohel.

The Wolf

They then charge the guy without any other conduct.

Only if it’s apparent that it’s going further.

The Wolf

Its legal for an adult to date a minor? A 55 year old guy can date a 15 year old girl??

Two points to make.

1. The only illegality is actual conduct. If there is no actual conduct, then there is nothing illegal. (Note: That doesn’t make it moral or proper, of course, but the cops can’t lock you away for taking a girl out for coffee.)

2. In many areas, it’s legal for an adult and a minor to be involved if they are close enough in age. Most jurisdictions have a “two year rule” (meaning that if they are within two years, they won’t take action). Otherwise, it would be illegal for an 18 year old to date a 17.5 year old.

The Wolf

EDITED

You were “dating” her for marriage purposes

I didn’t say that. Not all of us were as frum as you when we were younger.

Nonetheless, yes, we both knew, at 18 and 16 that we wanted to marry each other.

The Wolf

Because we were very young at the time. That’s the only reason.

As it is, we got married younger than most other people.

The Wolf

Wolf, hashkafa was also somewhat important but my husband was more right wing than I was, but we fell in love and wanted to make it work. So we did.

That’s fine. It’s up to each person to decide which hashkafah differences they can live with and which are deal-breakers. Obviously, in your case, you decided you can live with them.

The Wolf

I’m asking out of curiosity of those who dated a longer time and also met often during the engagement period if you became conscious of negative character trait(s) (that every human possesses)of your future spouse and if you did, how did you deal with that issue?

Eeees and I dated for over three years before we got married. From about three weeks after we met, we both knew it wasn’t a matter of if we were going to get married, just when.

I think that perhaps, in our case, we were helped by the fact that we both understood that we weren’t marrying perfect people. So, if she or I did something that was out of the ordinary, we would just let it pass. Yes, we both have our faults, but, over the years, we learned to love each other in spite of those faults, to the point where today, many years later, we don’t even notice them anymore.

The Wolf

Firstly, Mazal Tov on the birth of your baby boy. May you both see much nachas from him as he grows up.

I’m not up on the latest medical literature, so I don’t know if the current medical consensus is that a bris is (medically) safe if the baby is yellow or not. That aside, however, I would imagine that this scenario is very much that of terifos — in the times of Chazal, an animal was a teraifah if it had a defect that would cause it to die in less than 12 months. Nowadays, however, we see that animals with these defects DO manage to live longer. Nonetheless, the definition of a teraifah does not change — so even though an animal will live longer than 12 months, such animals are still ruled non-kosher.

Same thing here. Even though the child might be medically fit for a bris if he’s yellow, halachically, we rule that he isn’t medically fit.

All this aside, I would be shocked if any mohel did a bris on a baby that he considered to be unready for it despite the protestations of the mother or father.

The Wolf

I had already figured out that HIE was still in high school. 🙂

The Wolf

Heh… I do all my regression analysis work on computers these days.

Back when I took the regents, I had to chisel the answers onto stone tablets.

The Wolf

I cry foul. Speak for yourself, Wolf.

Obviously, I didn’t mean it seriously. My point was that if he could make up characteristics of a yarei shamayim, then so could I.

The Wolf