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Out Of The Mailbag: (Frustrated Boy In Shidduchim)

yw logo20.jpgDear YWN,

Every Shabbos in my house it is a race as to who can grab the newspapers first. When it comes my turn I quickly turn to the letters to the editors section to see what people are complaining about this week. Week after week i read article after article about this “shidduch crisis”. After reading so many articles I have come to the conclusion that the crisis is none other than ourselves.

We formulate this picture in our head of who we see as our future wives and if she does not fit every part of the picture we automatically give her a big red X.

If we would stop looking for the girl who comes with the fancy car and the really really rich father in law then maybe there would not be so many singles out there. I do not know about you but I personally would feel like a little child going to get allowance from his father, if every month I go to my father in law and say “Hi, I’m here to collect the rent money”. What about the Rambam that says that if someone is going to learn and rely on tzedaka to support him that it is a Bezayon Hatorah?

And the girls that think that if a guy is not learning for a MIMIMUM of 5 years that he is a bum – I will say the following: Learning is not for everyone and if hashem gave a person the gift that he has the brain, and the want to sit and learn for years then that is great for him. But why should a boy suffer just because it may be his Tafkid in life to join the work force and be kovea iitim instead of learning all day?

What it boils down to is that if we would all focus more on inner qualities instead of the money, looks, and the cars, than maybe we would see a significant drop int the amount of singles out there.

Frustrated Boy In Shidduchim.

NOTE: Yeshivaworld welcomes your “Out Of The Mailbag” letters & comments. Letters may be edited or shortened for clarity. Submit all letters by clicking HERE – titled “Mailbag”.

The views expressed in this column reflect the opinions of the individual writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Yeshiva World News LLC. These individual opinions are also in no way meant as a P’sak Halacha or Hashkafa. As with all matters, be sure to consult with a Rov with all questions.

63 Responses

  1. 2 comments.

    A. having a brother who just got married and hearing about all his friends dating stories. Guys who aren’t learning look for looks. Guys who are learning want a Rosh Yeshiva/ Support (go figure!) Guess Im doomed in both categories.

    B. I agree with you on this. My cousin who happens to be an illuy admits himself that the problem is that there heve become to categories bums and Future Roshei Yeshiva everyone else kinda gets lost.

    (Disclaimer: obviously I am talking extremes for the sake of clarity, but with no hard or fast rule this is pretty accurate)

  2. a man should work if he needs to support his family, but a yid is here to toil in Torah and mitzvohs!

  3. I never heard of a girl showing up in a fancy car.
    Second, it is a big farse that boys only want alot of money, that only rich girls get married and only want boys who will learn forever.
    There are plenty of bnai torah strugglig to pay rent and are learning torah bimesiras nefesh with the suppoprt and even bigger mesiras nefesh of their wives. (I envy their sechar)
    Learning full time for ten years is not for everyone and there are plenty of solid working boys with loads of wonderful girls who would be happy to marry them.
    Don’t be frustrated. Focus on your qualities and you’ll find you’re bashert.
    There still is a crisis and they need our attention and help.
    I unfortunately don’t feel so bad for you. If you truly were a koveia itim and didn’t run around and drive crazy you would be in big demand.
    Lastly, Plenty of young working folk need more paternal assistance than learning guys to keep their lease payments and vacations going.
    May you find your bashert and have all that you need, happily.

  4. Does anyone else think that all these “letters to the editor” are just written by the editor himself just to get people to comment and be upset? How many times are we gonna have the same complaints and questions posed?
    Here’s a glance at all the posts that will follow:
    1) It’s so shallow to look for money.
    2) It’s not shallow.
    3) It’s shallow to look for looks
    4) You need to be attracted to your wife
    5) It’s important to learn
    6) It’s important to work
    7) Singles need to compromise on what they want
    8) Why should they compromise? They shouldn’t settle
    9) Yes they should.

    You get the point.

  5. The fact that no one is thoroughly sick of this topic yet [I have been for about a year or two] boggles the mind.

    Frustrated Boy, I wish you a quick and easy stay in the world of shidduchim, and I’m glad you have an open-minded, realistic view of what qualities to look for in a prospective wife. But keep Yeshiva World out of it.

    Hatzlacha 🙂

  6. I am not sure I understand. What is the issue- being supported ? Or not being cut out for learning? I set people up plenty and can tell you that quality working or college boys are very much in demand! Truth be told, the ratio of what people call “bummy guys” is higher amoungst working / college guys but if you really are a high caliber fellow then you should have no problem at all.Have the editor put you in touch with me. I may have many ideas for you.
    PS While I am not insisting that you stay in learning if it not for you, please dont show your ignorant side by quoting random Rambams to prove your point. Many ,many of our gedolim learned and became what they were or are, while being supported.

  7. “What it boils down to is that if we would all focus more on inner qualities instead of the money, looks, and the cars, than maybe we would see a significant drop int the amount of singles out there”

    Finally someone understands what a marriage is all about!
    I agree with you 100% – its time to look at the person rather then what she comes with!
    There should be many more like you, then maybe we would see our girls getting married and being happy!

    and as far as how will the young couple be supported:
    1. they can start off with the wedding gifts
    2. the girl can work for as long as she is able too.
    3. the young couple does not have to live with luxuries – (bugaboos, new cars,…..)
    4. and yes the parents can help when and if necessary. it is very possible that they will not be able to make it on their own but this business of “arranging” complete support and then some… even before one meets a girl, or not even bothering to find out about the girls personality or qualities before finding out if there will be complete support that the young couple can live “comfortably” (going out to eat once a week, new car, bugaboo…..) is absolutely ludicrous!
    once again Kol Hakavod to you “Frustrated Boy In Shidduchim”

  8. it seems that he is right, when we go into a shidduch we have a list of what we want and if the proposed candidate is missing something from the holy list then she/he gets written off without ever getting a chance. it is important to know what you need, but sometimes you have to prepare for not getting everything you want. in society today, where everything has to be customized for the individual (nothing wrong with that) we tend to accept that shidduchim should be no different. well news flash…they are.

  9. as a parent I feel #4 is unfair. I did work until B”H we had kids who needed me home and then my husband who learns at 5Am and at nite after work got a job which is what the Kesuba says after all not that father in law should support. What are we teaching our kids that their parents are not good enough except for money?

  10. Dear lesschumras,

    In regard to comment 6 may I suggest that the next time someone tells you….
    “her friend said she went on a date with him and he they didn’t have anything in common” You should be explaining to the boy/girl that they should NOT be discussing shidduchim with their friends! NO EXCEPTIONS! That is what parents are for, and if for some reason parents are not guiding the children in shidduchim, they should be discussing it with Rebbeim, Mechanchim etc.
    The BIGGEST problem today is, there is no tznius when it comes to dating.

  11. The writer’s comment re the RAMBAM’s view that one should not accept $$$ for learning has already been dealt with by RAv Moshe ztl, so that is not really an issue.

    The writer says that:’ Learning is not for everyone and if hashem gave a person the gift that he has the brain, and the want to sit and learn for years then that is great for him. But why should a boy suffer just because it may be his Tafkid in life to join the work force and be kovea iitim instead of learning all day?’
    No one wants anyone to suffer. The politically correct thing is to say that we are all equal, just different. But that is just not accurate. Real estate on 5th Avenue Manhattan is worth more than real estate in the Bronx. Of course the main thing is the girl’s inner qualities, but if he is a masmid, why shouldn’t he try for the whole ten yards?: pretty girl, good support without having to worry (of course make sure she isn’t a spoiled brat) and whatever else he finds attractive, helpful, and without downsides.
    The same thing from the girl’s perspective. The more she has to offer, both in basic qualities and in other areas, why shouldn’t she go for the 5th Avenue real estate ? (of course, assuming that is what she really wants and is not just a trophy to hang on her wall) Where does that leave those who do not own 5th ave real estate or cannot touch it because of the price ? Yes, they have to look in the Bronx, but do not condemn the buyers and sellers of 5th ave properties

  12. A big problem in the yeshivish world is that the boys are DEMANDING a certain amount of support from the girls’ parents. Whose fault is this matzav? THE GIRLS! If they wouldn’t put up with this shtick and give in to these demands so willingly the boys would have no choice but to not make these ridiculous demands to begin with. How in heaven’s name is someone with 5 daughters and a few single kids at home supposed to give each of those daughters $1500 a month, plus pay for their own household expenses? Who paid for our parents when they got married?

  13. Boys and girls are both at fault with this whole shidduch career thingy.

    The girls want a boy whose learning for 5 years ATLEAST, but the truth is out of 100 girls who say this, only 25-30 really want it! They just say it because if not they wont get a ‘normal’ shidduch. and most of the times its the wonderful shadchan who just say it. But the truth is the girls dont want it. You know how many more shidduchim can come if people say the truth!!

    And the boys….oiy oiy oiy…. all what shes gotta have is beauty and most important a rich father to support the lunches from bagel nosh, brand new accord, brand name cloth… and if not shes just not for you. hate to be blunt but such things do NOT make a marrige happy! all this stuff goes and comes…. lemaysa at the end of a persons life all what he takes with him is not the money or beauty or kavod. he takes his middos and you know what hes barried with? not an Armani suit with 100% silk tie. hes wrapped with a white sheet. and his tallis. thats it!

    so maybe you boys and girls want to get your head screwed on straight!

  14. I have a friend in shidduchim who is a true ben torah and really wants to learn as long as he can and understands that nobody can promise to support the rest of his life because nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. However I feel most of the problem is the parents. You find that same parent who wants the world for there son those same parents curse out all the shadchanim and boys when they have a daughter.
    I also find that most boys and girls do not really give each other a chance to let the other party grow on them. If they do not like what they see they say NO without trying to make it work. That is why we see more divorces and broken engagements then ever people are not that interested in wanting to work things out they would rather run away from the problems then deal with them.
    Hes too frum, or he is too yeshivish he to this or to that, think for a minute if maybe he is a real good husband or good wife, good father or mother. At the end of the day nobody loves dating, stopping and then starting all over again and again speaking about Israel, seminary, and all those things that are boring.
    Think Positive and whats really real and there will be less singles.

  15. Yasher koiach to # 5. Points excellently made!

    Throughout history the more holy something was the more it turned into the favorite butt of “laitzonus” for all others who felt “threatened” by those who were legitimately acquiring the crown of the Torah, along with all the REAL kovod attributed to it. It is so sickening to hear/read the incessant bludgeoning of the kollel system, and putting ALL the blame of our current shidduch problem at its feet. This is such a travesty, and nothing could be further from the truth. My observation of the boys/girls I see who are having a hard time with shidduchim – and MY HEART GOES OUT TO THEM & THEIR PARENTS – is that it is not at all the people striving for super-lofty lives of kedusha who are the ones most affected by this tzoro. It seems to me that this, like all other gezairos of our time, has nebech hit rich & poor, torah’dig & working-class, yeshivish & modern, chasidish & litvish – all alike. I don’t see any correlation between kollel aspirations & the shidduch crisis.

    Regarding the ridiculous disparaging comments about wanting the “girl with the fancy car & the really rich father-in-law” – anyone who is really serious about long-term learning would RUN AS FAST AS HE CAN AWAY from a girl with a fancy car. I think it’s just a form of pritzus, which is totally not found by bnei torah. I would surmise that most girls looking for a true ben-torah don’t even own their own cars altogether, no matter how wealthy their fathers may be.

    Regarding the f.i.l. with a lot of $$$ – a baal habos who has been successful in business,and wants nothing else with his money than to “buy” an authentically torah’dige shtub for his future generations, what could be more commendable than that? We call it “Zevulun”, and throughout history that has always been held in the highest esteem. And there’s no better way (maybe I should rather say “no other way”) to assure that than to marry off his daughter to a true ben-torah who is “toraso omanuso”. The “serious ben-torah” bochur, on the other hand, is very wise to know that a long career of learning is not feasible without a real backing of a father-in-law who has means, and that “good intentions” will not really make it happen. So he has all the right to give preferrence to the baal-habos who is rich, yet wants only a long-term learner for his daughter. BTW – I must say that a girl who was raised in a home where despite the financial means to “live it up” only torah’dige values were espoused, to the point that she only wants to marry a long-term learner, is as ready for the long-term kollel life as a girl from the most yeshivish/rosh yeshiva or poor home would be.

  16. and not to mention the degree system, if a by girl doesnt have a degree, shes got nothing to her, like who these days doesnt get a degree…. i feel like its unfortunately almost a prerequisite to go for special ed in order to date a lakewood boy….. there are more special ed graduates in lakewood than special ed clients etc….. the ratio is unbelievable……… so those who are a tad more original go for speech or PT, OT.,… yay no one in thhat market huh?

  17. This is ridiculous! Who ever said that just because a boy is learning now he is a “learning boy”? He could be learning just for his shidduch’s sake! And who ever dare say that a boy sitting in yeshiva doesn’t care about the girls looks. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. Every boy cares to a certain extent. What do you think – that the man out there in this world are blind?!?! I don’t get the point ofthis guys letter. SORRY

  18. NoFear: I actually know who wrote this and it is unfair of you to chastise the editor when it was not he who wrote it. Secondly, your name sounds so egotistical it is making me nauseous(sorry for venting.)Thirdly, I am a young man in college and yeshiva during the day. (a real school not a cop out school) Unfortunately, it is very true that while I myself am not dating many of my older friends in yeshiva are “rejected” from going out with certain girls because they are not “frum.” It is truly unfortunate what is taking place. We have created the so called “crisis.” It is nothing more than naive people who have formulated certain stereotypes such as: “if he watches a video he must be not so frum.” Ask your child why he is smoking in the roof of his yeshiva(this is at least better than the ones who smoke in public because they at least have not lost their conscience) or why he is drinking uncontrollably at a shalom zachor? Your son is the one whom you should be concerned about rather than the kid who learns, watches movies and goes to college. So please the people who are causing the “crisis” stop being hypocritical.You are the ones causing it.

  19. to #8 your screen should read lessbitachon how pathetic are you that you don’t know that hashem runs the world and the same way a doctor makes his money so does the kollel yungerman the only diffrence is that the doctor has a nisaon cause he thinks HE is bringing the money in since he is working while the kollel guy knows full well where his money is coming from. Nature as explains Rav Dessler was put in this world for people to drip and make a mistake but really every single occurence whether natural or not is done solely by hashem i guess tour the one you fell in the yetzer hara’s trap go back to the BM and learn some mussar and straiten out your hashkufos your statement about parnassah is the ultimate chillul hashem!!!!

  20. What it boils down to is that if we would all focus more on inner qualities instead of the money, looks, and the cars, than maybe we would see a significant drop int the amount of singles out there.

    Kol Hakavod to you!
    Its about time boys focus on the girls personalty, qualities, middos… instead of the things that come and go.
    If the boys, and their parents would concentrate more on what the girl is all about, then what she comes with, then we would have people getting married for the right reasons and being much happier.

  21. a different approach to this issue… if the boy is not learning, let him please not be all farfrumt when it comes to other things. if a girl is okay with a boy not learning, kol hakavod to her. but the boy should know his place as to where he should have his stringencies in halacha and chumra. its a package deal.

  22. #30-beeps, your comment is LUDICREST!
    what are you saying?? Just bec. a boy is not learning, why can’t he be frum in other area’s??
    Just bec. he is not cut out to learn a whole day, doesn’t mean he can’t be as frum or FRUMMER, than a working boy!

    Please think before you comment.

    Please explain if i misunderstood you.

  23. Whoops, i meant to write in comment 32, “doesn’t mean he can’t be as frum or frummer , than a LEARNING boy”

  24. Interesting letter, but nothing that’s new to people like myself who are involved in shidduchim. If everyone wakes up to reality – the shidduch scene will improve.

    But, writing letter to YWN isn’t what’s going to be the answer.

    Roshei Yeshivos need to be Mechanech their Talmidim what to really look for in a wife. Mechanchos need to teach their Talmidos what to look for in a husband. And Rabbonim need to teach their Baalai Batim what to look for when finding their childrens’ spouses.

    That will make a difference.

  25. I agree that it should not be required for the father-in-law to support the masmid (however, great the bachur is). If a couples decides that the kollel way of life is for them, it should still be their responsibility to support themselves – whether it means the wife working, the husband tutoring ben hasedorim, and BY BEING MISTAPEK BEMUAT! And any support they due receive should be viewed as a gift from their parents not a requirement. I am married close to 6 years. My husband is still learning B”H, we have a growing family Bli Ayin Hara, and I still put in a long day at work. We receive some help from our parents, because they want to help, but by no means can we live off of that. And no, I don’t believe my children are adversely affected. When you have the right attitude, you infuse your home with chashivus haTorah, and your children see how far you are willing to sacrifice for Torah and how happy you are to have a home immersed in Torah. My children are happy, well adjusted children, who are proud of their father’s limud Torah and want him to become like his Rosh HaYeshiva (halevai). Ofcourse, they would rather have their mother home 24/7, and ofcourse I’d rather not have to work, but we want this type of Torah home and we accept the financial responsibilities as they are our responsibilities alone. They know their mother will take off for their birthdays, plays, etc. They know I’m there when they need it, and most importantly they know I am only working to support my husband’s limud Torah! No other motives! When you do the ratzon Hashem b’lev shalaim you don’t lose out!

    On an aside to the letter writer, we have always found that there was a shortage of good frum working guys. There ARE many girls out there who want just that and can’t seem to find any! Keep your spirits up, there are good people out there who have thier heads on straight!

  26. Dear comment number 22,
    Are you kidding me???? the whole point of this letter is so people like YOU would not think that the guy is not for me because he is not tall.

  27. Seychel, how ironic it is that you call yourself this when you truly lack any. I think you are right it must be the shortage of tall guys…Are you kidding me????? You are insinuating that the crisis revolves around tall girls. It actually revolves around ignorant people such as yourself. Please refrain from posting in the future.

  28. i strongly believe there is a shidduch crisize going on in klal yisroel…..i think this crisis is coming from the BOYS! the boys out there on the market dont give the girls a fair chance and come with a list of high demands in what they are looking for….i feel that all the boys out there come down a little bit and relize you probably arent even worthy for that “perfect” girl…


  30. i think the entire seminary and shidduch issue is all based on peer pressure. between the 12th grade girls of where they’re applying, where they got in and then finally how many years the boy is learning for. (in addition i know girls who would have gladly married a working boy as long as he had good middos but were pushed in the opposite direction-that which “everyone else is doing”) society has to realize that people are not meant to fit a mold, each person is different for a reason. I remember seeing something which was very cute that said how a certain boy wanted to become better friends with someone else so he copied his walk, the boy whose walk he was copying, was actually copying that walk of another boy in the class, this went on until the original boy realized he was copying a chain of people who were actually copying him… remember im ain ani li mi li…

  31. The Mailbag used to be interesting! Now we are just getting repeat performances of the same discussions. Please Mr YWN Editor only print up new subjects or at least wait 6 months before allowing an old “crisis” to come up again. This letter could happily have been a comment on a previous “shidduch crisis” letter and there is no need to rehash all the same opinions again.

  32. You sound like a normal boy out there finally……Maybe you should post your Shidduch information so that we can find you a nice real quality girl!!!!

  33. to the guy who wrote this letter- you are looking in the wrong circles for a wife. most of my friends, myself included, are all looking for guys who are working – but learning is very important to him, and he will be kovea itim every day. thats what we want. we know that not every guy is cut out to learn for 5+ years, obviously not! it would be silly to think that is the case. look outside your community, maybe into more ‘out of town’ ones. there you should be zoche to find a wonderful wife who appreciates you for who you are, and all of you beautiful torah learning.

  34. I am 16, and do not have the ridiculous expectations that a lot of people have.

    It is NOT my parents responsibility to support me if i decide to sit and learn. They can help me if they want, but have already invested enough into me that I cannot possibly ask for more

    I am NOT a bum for deciding to go college and pursue a career

    I INTEND to be koveia itim, while in university, or working

    I take my learning seriously, but take secular seriously as well. I learn when I have to, but go out to learn after Yeshiva is over as well. I do not believe that partaking in what kosher things secular culture has to offer is treif, but rather is a good outlet for me to release my energies on things that are not problems Halachicly. Will I have a difficult time finding a Shidduch. Maybe. But at least I know that I have my head screwed on straight

  35. All I have to say is that these discussions seem very trivial to me.Everyone should just do what is good for them and good for Hashem and SHalom al Yisroel! Chas Vshalom, if someone was sick or had other terrible things, these issues whether he was learning for five years, workin for ten years, driving a bugaboo and pushing a Camry would fall by the wayside in a second. LEts focus on the important things, being a good Jew (whether working or learning full time), being healthy, safe and happy!!!

  36. Here we go again …A/o thinking about publishing a 500 pg book about the current Shidduch System ?? think it would be pretty popular
    Chapters can include :
    1) Where it went wrong
    2) Issues with the guys
    3) Issues with the girls
    4) Issues with the parents
    5) Issues with Shadchanim
    6) Blame on the Seminaries
    7) Blame on the yeshivas
    8) Stereotypes in our society
    9) Learning Vs. Working
    10) Housewife Vs. Working/Career Mom
    11) What really matters in the long run
    12) Entertainment-the craziest dating stories
    13) Serious Solutions to fixing this mess!

    Ok I outlined the chapters now who wants to write it & publish it ?

  37. to #52 according to what you think is the right way your head is screwed on right, but according to the “einei h’ueida” that have more forsight than you what future results are of such shita, you should screw your head off and alighn it matter what, one who goes to colledge there’s a good chance he will not stay same b’rochnious madreigous..and thats whats its about..

  38. To all the bored souls who have nothing to say on the matter, I happened to have written one of the letters yo YWN. And, NO I don’t work for YWN!!

    I also have nothing to say in this matter. I just had to defend the Editor.

  39. Giving a naden is not a new concept. There are so many stories from the alte heim about yidden having to go collecting from town to town so that they could marry off their daughters. I am not saying its right, but its definatly not a new idea from modern times. Just food for a thought…

  40. wasnt the punishment of adam to have to work and the punishment of chava to have to raise the kids?
    why does chava have to suffer both??? what has this foolish world come to that boys actually expect their fathers-in-law to support them for life?? what happens when the older working generation dies out eventually? who will support? and werent the talmidei chachamim of yesteryear all shoe makers and sofers and siversmiths who supported their families and learnt all night by candle light???

  41. to #’s 7, 24, 25

    Why would YW write their own letters? Unless they write their own comments too, there does not seem to be a shortage of people who like posting their opinions.

    Does Yated also write their own letters? (That would be a lot of work)

  42. #57- of course it’s better when the “naden” (dowry) idea is out of style. My great grandmother a”h was the only one of her 5 sisters who got married, because the father nebach couldn’t afford to buy them shidduchim.

  43. by the way to all of you wondering why we keep seeing the same letters in different versions. Simple reason: human nature to feel relief after venting built up frustration

  44. I guess everyone will just have to start a little earlier – try tenth grade perhaps. The eleventh graders are already starting to move.


    smartgal- You seem to be creative enough to write it yourself. I can’t wait to see it!

  45. Since when do the girls show up in the cars…As far as I am concerned the boys come with the cars..And what was the purpose of this letter? DId u give any suggestions? Or Stom to Hock?

  46. I have a 22 year old son who learned 4 years in eretz yisroel and began college last summer. I am proud to say that he knows how to learn and will eventually earn a living and not mooch off his shver. looking for a girl that is not high maintenance that appreciates a boy that has his head on straight. .I have full bitachon that normal parents will be lining up to get on his shidduch list

  47. The kesuba states that a man is m’chuyav to support his wife. In communities where long time and lifetime learning is the norm, I dare say that the kesuba is a meaningless document. Since the wife will spend her life, albeit willingly, supporting herself, her husband and children, of what purpose is the reading of the kesuba (with much kavana) about the mans obligations. They both have no intention of abiding by a good part of it.

  48. Another point i think the roshei yeshiva have a huge part in every bochurs shidduch life.

    And there are some roshei yeshiva who actually tell boys that ‘dont go for the shidduch your worth more.’

    A friend of mine, her shidduch wasn’t going to continue until they promise more money, because his rosh yeshiva said he’s worth more! That is not normal!

  49. the $$$$$$$$$$$ issue by shidduchim (supporting for many years) is bizarre.
    -if the father of the girl taka has money – he might lose it. (yes, many ppl that you see on the street & you think they’re soaking in $$$ might very well be “yordim” who have no choice but to play rich due to embarrassment)
    -if the father doesn’t really have money but he still promises… 1. he might forget his promise after a while or simply not be able to keep it cuz after all he’s swimming in debt, 2. even if he tears himself apart to get it – can you live with a clean conscience knowing that you’re sleeping 12 hrs a night without daagos while he is at risk of getting a heart attack BECAUSE OF YOU??????????????

  50. People, it’s time someone pointed out that this like all other tzaros/crisses in Klal Yisrael are not new to our generation. Anyone ever hear of Tu B’Av? The men learning in the Mir in the early 1900’s married in their 40’s because they couldn’t find girls willing to marry a ben Torah. B”H Sara Schneirer succeded and now girls only want to marry a ben Torah. In anycase, the point here is that we are living in Galus and this is one of Hashem’s reminders to us. Lets not forget, we’re in this galus together and when we realize that, we’ll be that much closer to getting out of galus and to the Geulah Shelaima, bmheira biyamainu. Enough said on this topic, turn all your energy toward doing something about it instead of koching. Good Night!

  51. Freezer, you still there? i want to answer your question but will not just hammer away if you are not on this forum anymore…..

  52. I don’t know if anyone is still reading this, but I have a few points to make.

    Just for the record, I am a 17-year old girl, and I will IY”H be going to seminary soon. And by the way – it’s not always seminary and school that brainwashes a girl to want to marry a learning boy – sometimes the girls want it themselves.

    1) What about the Yissochar/Zevulun or Shimon achi Azarya partnership? They were learning and relying on someone else’s tzedoka for parnassa.
    2) Someone asked my principal (a very choshuv talmid chochom) a question – the same issue that #58 raised. He said that if a girl finds that she can’t manage because her husband is learning, and she considers it a burden to support him, then she should ask him to leave Kollel and go to work. And he said that if he doesn’t agree, she should send her husband to him. He said that he learnt for 6 years after getting married, and the day that his wife had their first child, he left yeshiva and went to work. No, he did not become a lawyer, doctor, accountant, (and NO – I don’t not think that there is anything wrong with any of those) he went into chinuch. And he’s still there now, having just married off his 4th daughter.
    3) Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to work and be kovei’a ittim to the highest degree, plus be an ehrliche yid. My uncle wakes up 4 o’clock, learns, davens, learns some more, goes to work, comes home, and learns. And yes, he does find time to spend with his family.

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