blabla

K I’m slow-the email part? yeah I emailed you!I’m sorry, we don’t ordinarily allow email addresses to be posted. You can use the contact us feature to ask the editor for permission.

Am yisrael chai-I guess i can relate as I recently lost a family member (not immediate).

On the surface I appear,

so frum, so sweet,

charming and happy,

well rounded complete.

but inside I’m crumbled,

destroyed and overthrown,

no dignity, no strength,

no opinion of my own.

the tears keep on rolling,

my eyes just don’t dry,

in pain, I weep,

I can’t stop to cry.

I am not frum,

not jewish not good,

haven’t kept shabbos,

hiding under my hood.

No really, I’m struggling with my emunah now especially with elul and rosh hashana…its very hard for me. Here’s what I wrote to my therapist:

The day I arrived,

I entered Your room,

I was sure it was pointless,

A life of just gloom.

I was a failure,

So helpless and dumb,

Pointless in this world,

Suffering until numb.

I traveled the path,

Of agony and pain

I shed buckets of tears,

My cries were in vain.

I was alone in this world,

So dark and so cold,

Everyone was wicked,

Things rustic and old.

But now someone joined me,

On this hard, bumpy journey,

Gave me comfort and strength,

My defense, my attorney.

Supported, built up,

Finally im on an incline.

Thank You so much,

I cannot say it enough,

you are just priceless,

No problem-yeah I asked her and my psych. and both said just tell yourself its anxiety and that’s why but its horrible! It comes so often and becomes physical pain! When I was little I also had it and went for medical tests cuz they thought it was real but was just anxiety! Its really crazy especially when I’m not home.

NO! I’m not in any honors english classes and I can’t get into any cuz I don’t know english! I’m a stupid dummy! Okay you got the point…I’m super depressed right now 🙁 But seriously, I’m not good enough to write professionally and I can only write in certain moods when emotions overtake me.

observanteen-when you had anxiety, did you get naucious? like stomach aches? Nothing is helping 🙁 but I didn’t have a chance to try the cds so bli neder I will.

Quintessential

essential, quit, quiet, quite, lease, teal, intestin, lint, lessen, test, nest, lest, tint, late, line, lines, tins, sent, sits, list

Not my strength but decided to give it a shot 🙂

A gigantic boom,

the scene of smoke,

the horrifying view,

our hearts broke.

The cries for help,

terrified screams,

the world has collapsed,

fire travels in streams.

people jumping,

plunging to their death,

with no other choice,

they held their breath.

the building collapsed,

in shambles in lied,

trapped people all over,

we hope they survived.

Maybe if I have patience I’ll write another better one later. This one is just whatever…

Okay so whoever’s sister’s friend’s brother’s dog….is/was a teacher please make sure they read my letter “dear teacher” I want to make sure my teachers read it LOL jk but personally I think teachers need to learn a little about life.

apprehension, confusion,

fear and dread,

scared of the unknown,

I just wish I were dead.

another year of school,

more nightmares to endure,

I wish I knew myself,

confident and sure.

My body trembles,

chills race through,

I shake in fear,

as I start the year anew.

Others dread the tests,

the homework and learning,

but I dread the social scene,

for friendships I’m yearning.

I feel as though I’ve lost,

everything i once gained,

the happiness, assurance,

confidence I haven’t maintained.

I’m slipping a little…a bit scared. Yes, I no realize how I grew from my challenges.

I was going through my school stuff from last year and found some old poems dumped in that were written in the height of it.

my mind is racing,

thoughts are chasing,

my heart is fearing,

friendships tearing,

my being’s burning,

insides churning,

words are stinging,

pain they’re bringing,

forever binging,

always cringing,

then I’m purging,

shortly after splurging,

school’s compelling,

brokenhearted yelling,

lonely and trying,

for comfort I’m crying,

confidence shrinking,

to the depths I’m sinking,

for care I’m yearning,

no one does I’m learning.

Depression:

Depression’s like a sword,

plunged deep, deep down,

into the depths of your soul,

and no way of survival but death.

Depression’s like being stranded on an island,

abandoned and alone,

with no way of survival but drowning.

depression’s like wearing clothing with pins,

pricking you in ever direction,

torturous pain,

with no way out but to let them in.

depression’s like being trapped in a fire,

a blazing, raging fire,

that burns, scorches and blisters,

with no way out but to burn alive.

depression’s like being in a room full fo partying,

sitting in the midst unnoticed,

not a kind soul in sight,

and there’s no way out but to melt.

depression’s like being struck with cancer,

destroying you against your will,

with therapy like chemo, causing more pain,

and there’s no way out but to succumb to its vengeance.

depression’s like being attacked by an animal,

a vicious, wild creature,

eating you part by part,

with no way out but to surrender.

depression’s like being on the train tracks,

with trains racing by and crushing you,

you’re crumbling with every strike,

and there’s no way out but death.

Suicide:

suicide’s like being swallowed whole,

in the mouth of a shark,

being bitten and chewed,

until you’re DEAD.

suicide’s like being in the sea,

the deepest depths of the ocean,

with an iron rod weighing you down,

unable to breath, choking up water,

until you DROWN.

suicide’s like being strapped to a table,

surrounded by terrorists,

eager to slaughter and chop you up,

until you are in PIECES.

suicide’s like being stuck under books,

a gigantic pile of heavy books,

just growing heavier and bigger,

being thrown at you in every direction,

until you’re CRUSHED.

The world has turned against me,

misery encircles me,

suicide overtakes me,

all the people crush me.

the firs burns me,

the rope entangles me,

the glass shatters me,

falling beaks me.

water drowns me,

knives stab me,

doors trap me,

disease fails me.

silence robs me,

being snobbed ruins me,

excluded destroys me,

everyone kills me.

I have some more I’ll do soon

B”H I’ve had a short break from the horrible depression but having severe anxiety. Hope it lasts…

well…good morning 🙂 feeling a drop better. Hopefully time will heal. and observanteen-will definitely check out the program! Thanks a lot! One question-can I do it at the same time as my other treatment?

trembling, shaking,

my distress on a height,

tears threatening to spill,

release tension, reveal plight.

Lost, scared,

alone in this place,

things happening too fast,

I can’t handle this pace.

I need to breath,

to cry it all out,

to investigate and discover,

what this is all about.

Hashem I’m telling you,

I officially give up!

can’t handle this life anymore,

I finally went PLOP!!!!!!!!!!!! HHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Oh my…hopefully gonna get settled in the next few days. Things are worse than crazy now 🙁

observanteen-can you please give me more info? Thanks a lot!

This is not your fault. You are a good person, and you are trying your best, and Hashem understands that.

Everyone goes through rough patches sometimes, but some of us have it much worse than others. That just means that the way Hashem measures our performance is on a different scale.

You are a good person. This is your struggle. You are only accountable for what you can do, and you are doing your best.

Have a good night. I hope you feel better in the morning.

WOW! You guys are awesome. First, 2 ravs betrayed me. At least one of them I know everyone listens to and gets “psychologized” by him. I’m DIEING for music now. I need it so so so so so badly!!!! I can’t really call anyone for a heter now so we’ll c what I’ll do. I just sat staring at my meds and almost overdosed but decided I can’t now cuz I first have to shower and get clean. After that we’ll c. I binged and I can’t handle how fat I must be! Also, observanteen-is there a way we can get in touch? MODS? They didn’t listen to my request about minyan gal. Mayb they like you better?! LOL no really minyan gal I don’t know what this is all about. Okay I’m also off to bed before I eat any more. Just cuz I think if you had anxiety … but only if you want to. I’m probably typing backwards right now…just too tired from such a long, painful day. Talk to you all tomorrow…maybe if I’m still alive. Thanks for your MUCH NEEDED!! support! Lifesavers! 🙂