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I actually don’t know how to play with notes-no patience to learn it. whatever I play is by EAR 🙂
He went to visit a close relative of mine who had cancer and was receiving chemo-therapy and was in intense pain. He barely knew him but just because he heard he’s in the hospital there, he went to visit him. Unfortunately, that relative didn’t survive but otherwise he’d be here to tell the story
I gape,
in disbelief,
I just can’t accept it.
OUR GADOL!
One of our gedolim!
one of our pillars of support!
our torah!
our teacher!
our leader!
he’s gone!
he’s no longer here to guide us.
We were holding on by a thin tearing string which has now been almost completely severed. Rav Scheinberg-from up there, have mercy on us, your children who miss you dearly, Daven for us! We can’t go on without your tfillos!!!!!!!!
PE-I don’t see how its immature to be offended by your friends being insensitive to your feelings. I discussed it with my therapist who put things into perspective a bit and I am trying to stick up for myself to them.
A friend’s betrayal hurts like a spear. Yes, that’s me and my blood gushing down that narrow pathway with my “friends” gazes following it. And its my pain that they splash in and rejoice in. Seriously, I’m working on a project for school with a few other girls-2 of which know that I’m constantly running to appointments with therapy and nutrition yet they’re being abnoxious about it. I totally regret telling them anything! They’re yelling at me “we’re just as busy as you are and we all manage to come…” and I just keep apologizing and rearranging my nights again and again. I’m really really hurt and frustrated. Moral of the story-if your friend tells you personal stuff-its for a reason and don’t be sick about it! 🙁
PE-WOA!
Lips whispering,
the candle flickering,
the kever standing still,
swaying,
backwards,
forwards,
eyebrows furrowed in concentration,
I stood and davened,
prayer emanating,
my heart opened,
warmth overtaking me,
as I felt hashem’s shchina,
I prayed for emunah,
I prayed for bitachon,
I prayed for closeness to my creator.
And then the miracle came.
In one night i felt his love,
in one night I felt the heartwarming feeling of my creator caring,
I sensed his presence in me,
it inspired me,
to daven more,
to pull forth,
to keep praying,
cuz there WILL be a light at the end of the tunnel
Those cruel words,
Those snobby looks
Do you know what they do?
They extinguish the fire in my soul,
They gnaw at my ruined heart,
They scorch my once-had confidence,
They wash away my forgotten smile,
They tear apart my tumultuous mind,
They entrench my inner vibrance,
The fade away my youthful innocence,
Of the days once before,
Of the times when I was free,
Of my years of my bliss,
Of my moments of normality,
And now my skeleton remains,
Bones left cold and barren,
Being crushed by every move,
Trampled on by cruelty,
And nobody seems to care.
I felt so cold,
on this purim morning,
everyone was partying,
in jewelry adorning.
I felt so alone,
as I listened to the tune,
of the megilla resounding,
at a time so opportune.
So I silently pleaded,
thought in my own prayer,
and hoped hashem accepted,
to spoken didn’t compare.
Hashem I raise my voice up,
turn my face towards heaven,
beg for your redemption,
break through the skies of seven.
Don’t ignore my plea,
don’t turn my cries away,
listen to my tears,
on this special prayers day
I emailed you
I’m not 100% sure what the correct answer would be to that MP but I think that someone may be exhausted and just not interested in smiling at their wife/husband not because they’re not happy to see them-just because they’re exhausted. But I really don’t know-I’m not married! Its just something I felt like writing so I did 🙂
BTW are you able to get my email address from the mods? If I remember correctly it was one of your posts that inspired me to do something I wanted to thank you about.
It was a long winter day,
as he entered his home,
he trugged in heavily,
plopped down on the foam.
heaved a sigh of relief,
a breath of life,
awaiting his dinner,
to greet his wife.
he smiled meekly,
twisted his lips,
to try to appear jolly,
as he reached for his chips.
he staged a hello,
threw a warm, loving face,
asked how her day was,
fell into embrace.
As his wife looked on,
she gazed at his expression,
watched it fall back into place,
left a lasting impression.
He staged it for her,
she felt so dear,
he was utterly exhausted,
but happy he’d appeared.
FAKE IT FOR THOSE YOU LOVE!
BTW all those considering going away, there are MAJOR kashrus issues in many of the places-it would be worthwhile checking into. If you yell at your wife to move your fridge in case you have a piece of chex there, you may reconsider going to these programs who I can safely say don’t go to that extent.
When your child says “I hate daycamp….” understand that that’s just what they say and (hopefully :)) don’t mean it-usually they don’t.
Yes I most definitely did read it! Thanks for the encouragement!
A broken heart,
a crack down the middle,
deep,
sharp and through,
it tore my being,
ripped my soul,
destroyed my essence,
and left me alone,
in the icy dark night,
in silence,
isolation,
HELP! I can’t take it anymore!
it banks upon the bricks of my home,
it fills each day,
tears stream in,
it symbolizes pain,
anguish,
it keeps filling,
challenges arise,
don’t cease to attack me,
I’m alone on this island,
in a sea of tears.
either there’s something wrong with my computer or I dunno! i posted like 3 more poems last night!
mods wheres my post? I typed up like 3 posts of poetry and a reply a few hours ago! is it inappropriate or something?
I feel alone,
I feel so sad,
I hate myself,
this world is bad.
I give up the fight,
can no longer wage war,
I’ve done my best,
but myself it tore.
I want to just die,
to rest on forever,
things keep getting worse,
nothing gets better.
Its finally official,
I completely surrender,
I give up my life,
to Hashem the offender.
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁
I sweat,
I shake violently,
don’t know what I fear,
just anxiety,
can’t control it,
my hands tremble,
heart beats the speed of a bullet,
stomach nausea like I’ll vomit,
eyes darting every direction,
can barely type these words,
and I google it,
and search for a cure,
a solution to my earthquaked body,
I breath,
I attempt all relaxation techniques,
failure…
It seems like:
everything that can go right,
goes wrong,
everyone that can like me,
hates me,
everything I can do well,
I mess up on,
everything I can pass,
I fail,
I GIVE UP. This is HELL! 🙁 Had a very rough day today…tomorrow back to school-no better.
I honestly can’t tell you how amazing it is to get the support from here. I’ve been feeling down cuz I’m watching my classmates and kids from school hanging out with tonz of friends and having a blast and talking about movies and I feel so stupid cuz I don’t have many friends and don’t know too much about movies so I just feel like a big fat….um….NERD. I guess in truth I’m better this year socially than I was last year but whatever. Friday a teacher actually was mean…I burst out crying…so embarrassing. Okay I’m done my rambling 🙂
lost and alone,
drowning in the sea,
stuck in this place,
no chance to be me.
I want to erupt,
destroy my own soul,
I need to do something,
to fill my deep hole.
alone in the classroom,
no support in sight,
I hold on for deer life,
to survive this lesson I fight.
nobody else in this room,
knows what hell means,
ignorant and blissful,
that’s what it seems.
I dig my teeth down,
bite into my skin,
cuz I want to cut,
to prick with a pin.
crying inside,
hiding it from the rest,
pretending I’m fine,
when I receive my failed test.
a looser, I’m doomed,
forever defeated,
I continue to drown,
till death is completed.
Having a hard time right now-REALLY hard time. And I wrote this poem when I wanted to cut but was in school and didn’t have a knife.
I’m okay…thanks for asking. Just struggling a little with my parents, food, and academics (can’t concentrate).
I don’t completely understand what you said saysme but what I did understand was that there are people leaving the cr because of other issues. I used to post more often and read all the threads, and because I’ve seen the change I decided to stop but I stuck to the poetry thread. This, IMHO is the one serious and straight, supportive thread around and I hope all those leaving will change their minds! And I wanted to thank you for all your incredible support-if only I can be that supportive…its hard for me to post usually because I’m busy…now I have mid winter so I actually have the time to write this up. Usually I write poetry when I’m too overwhelmed to write anything else! Sorry! (((hugs)))
Into blurred vision,
I’m plunged,
a fuzzy film,
remains,
blocking my view,
foggy brain,
windy thoughts,
stormy mind,
and I can’t study.
I can’t concentrate. 🙁 🙁
I vote skype first but don’t turn her down for things like looks or a little awkwardness (in addition to many other silly reasons…) cuz computers can do that…
Enclosed in a jail,
iron bars,
clanging together as i shake them vigorously,
attempting to break free,
to run unbound,
to be released,
these metal rods,
they lock me in,
into their cruel grip,
they isolate me,
in their rusty cells,
the sturdy gated windows,
the heavy padlock on the iron door,
stuck here forever,
the rusty smell chokes me,
I’m alone here,
all alone,
disconnected,
detached from a foreign world.
Will someone rescue me?
Amen! And yes I survived this torturous phase…was very very hard and not doing well now 🙁
First, I’d like to mention that I appreciate all those who are providing support-its what keeps me going! Even if I don’t respond, I really do read it!
To those who suggested writing good things down…I guess I could try…but i’d keep it private so that nobody who knows what good happens to me can figure me out 🙂
Now for me adding a hopeful twist…I’ll try that now:
Daunting days,
scary ways,
stuck in a blaze,
I’m in a daze,
don’t want to graze,
lost in a maze,
but forced to obey,
I can’t betray,
and so I delay,
these painful days,
hope I’ll survive this faze,
perhaps amaze.
Nothing personal-even if I WAS out of town=Its got nothing to do with where I’m from. But I agree that its not fair and i agree that its more convenient that way but a shidduch can’t be rejected simply on the basis that “she’s from OOT” if it wasn’t looked into!
and aries-exactly the E”Y business! EXACTLY the point against the argument of OOT!
OMG I’m horrified by some of the closemindedness around here. Who cares where the girl is from? And you’ll reject a shidduch because of where the wedding will be? my gosh…just settle on something and ask them to make it in NY! Many OOTers DO make in NY cuz its cheaper. And I’ve heard that OOT girls are nicer than in towners but I don’t necessarily agree 🙂
Yes Kapusta clearly has outstanding middos. One of the nicest people I’ve met
I thought I’m artistic,
the colors didn’t show,
I thought I could write,
the words didn’t flow.
I thought I could bake,
couldn’t make the dough,
I thought I could boat,
couldn’t even row.
I thought I could play music,
the notes didn’t go,
I thought I’m getting better,
but I still didn’t grow.
I thought I’m athletic,
a ball I couldn’t throw,
I thought I’m climbing higher,
I’ve reached a plateau-or maybe not even that?!
I’ve come to hit a rock bottom,
of a stormy ocean,
one that I’ve battled for long,
one that I’ve lost its wars,
I’ve been submerged,
under its tumbling waves,
crashing on its shores,
white mist above me,
in the dark deep blue,
rumbling groaning waters,
sharks around me,
forceful waves.
I’ve reached the bottom,
hit the stony sharp rocks bellow the surface,
I’ve hit it and can’t go further down.
No further, no closer,
I’m trapped at the bottom,
never to arise,
from this dark gloomy sea,
I’m tired of it,
I’ve had enough of life,
I’m done completely,
I let my overwhelming emotions overcome me and I break down.
balling,
tears flowing like a river,
I reach for the knife,
create soft marks in my skin,
it makes me feel good,
I can harm myself,
punish myself for all the bad I’ve done.
I’ve had enough of battling this world,
fighting for my life,
I now succumb.
I’m dead.
Hashem,
I’m not a malach,
your giving me too much on my plate,
and you blame me for killing myself?!
HOW DARE YOU?!
I don’t know what I write,
dunno what flows off these keys,
dont know what I’m typing,
dunno anything…anywhere….anymore.
I was hoping nobody would notice the hours I post here! LOL
But thanks for the offer, if I can get a hold of your email address I’d be glad to contact you. I just don’t know how to get it
I wanna just get past this stage but I’m stuck here 🙁 Yes, your post definitely did comfort me. Thanks a ton!
Thanks for your long, thoughtful reply. B”H doing much better tonight. Forgot my meds yesterday so I guess…
Frustration roars over me,
like a lions claws,
awaiting its pray.
raging, fierce teeth,
penetrate the fragile deer,
its mighty claws tear it apart,
gnawing on its insides,
part by part,
the deer is killed.
I’m the deer.
The lion is this world
right now I’m desperate for emotional support…having a torturous night
In one word,
I can describe the world:
HELL
In one word,
I can describe school:
HELL
In one word,
I can describe exercise:
HELL.
How much more need I say?
to express what I bare,
the intense pain and anguish,
has always been there.
Will it stop?
will it end?
will it cease?
or will it extend?
The sound of my alarm clock,
fills me with dread,
no hitting the snooze,
my excuse will be misread.
I awaken somberly,
my eyelids flutter,
don’t want to get up,
to this world of nasty clutter.
Screaming in pain,
I wail and shout,
I can’t do this again,
I can’t stick this out.
Yet my cries are in vain,
ignored by this world,
I’m snubbed, brushed aside,
with insults I’m hurled.
HELP! I can’t go to school again…I just CAN’T!
In a world of darkness,
the rays of the sunshine,
hidden beyond the clouds,
white and fluffy,
gray and gloomy,
burring the brightness of the yellow sun,
can’t peak out,
beaming,
its stuck in the darkness,
in an everlasting world of black.
everything’s black,
it all seems wrong,
so wrong,
so bad,
the sun doesn’t seem to come forth,
to shine its beaming rays on my back,
to beat down in all its light,
to bring happiness,
to glow,
to light up my world.
a world once failure,
a world awaiting success
Middlepath-I was intending that for parents because I don’t appreciate the way mine raised me.
Having a really rough day today…maybe tomorrow will be better…doesn’t seem like anything will be though 🙁
Had a party and reality hit again how immature and shallow my classmates are.
A piercing cry slices the air,
a new baby,
so tiny,
innocent and fragile,
unknown destiny,
a future it beholds,
its scrawny body wiggles in its mother’s tender arms,
opportunity
for growth,
for a healthy child,
for success, blessing, happiness.
Do what’s right with your child,
raise it well,
love it,
care for it,
because its mine too.
My anorexia,
a roller coaster,
its ups and downs,
donuts and water,
the screams of horror,
the compulsive exercise,
I wanna jump off,
its going too fast,
its curves are my recovery process.
the smooth ones the better times,
the sharp ones=what seems to always be.
My life’s a blur
a sea of calories
in everything,
everywhere,
from minute,
to megas,
it never stops,
calculating,
counting,
measuring,
weighing,
its a violent cycle,
spinning its forces,
winding up,
a washing machine,
I’m amongst the cloths-trapped there.
Engaged,
the kallah glows,
flaunting her glamorous jewelry,
radiant smile,
vibrant expression,
she gazes at her prize,
he does the same.
she feels treasured,
lucky,
prized possession,
married,
tears flowing like a river,
at her chuppah,
hidden under the crisp white veil
she davens for success,
her future,
children, parnassah,
her chasson,
swaying violently,
eyebrows furrowed in concentration,
lips parched,
he smashes his foot magically on the glass,
shatters,
in a million pieces,
yet life’s begun for the new couple.
they’ve embarked on a new journey,
on this remarkable night,
memorable forever.
There’s a gaping hole inside me,
it wishes to be filled,
there’s much missing from my past,
it should’ve been instilled.
I stuff it up with junk,
to fill its massive vastness,
I try to hurry the process,
to escape the feeling with fastness.
Some candy and some chocolate,
some chips and some real food,
a dose of everything will do it,
set me in a good mood.
But really that’s just fake,
filling the hole temporarily,
just some short time relief,
it helps only momentarily.
Middlepath-what you wrote inspired this but its not so good…
I wear a mask,
covering the “me” that’s real,
faking to be happy,
to others to appeal.
Its not who I am,
its who I want to be,
yet I’m not that person at all,
I’m now constrained not free.
Pretending life’s awesome,
smooth sailing and just so fine,
but inside I’m so confused,
myself I can’t define.
I huff,
I puff,
panting,
struggling to breath,
sharp cold breaths,
yet I continue,
I push on,
because I’ve got a calorie quota,
and I must achieve it.
the pain in my legs,
the sweat of my brow,
but I continue.
There’s no stopping,
otherwise I’ll be FAT.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore! Feeling majorly fat! And utterly confused!