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My personal experience has been that life gets better as you get older. At least that is how it’s been so far, Boruch Hashem, bli ayin hara. I am only talking about from age 18 onwards. Before that, it was the opposite way around for the most part.
The older you get, the more resources you have. In many areas – Emunah, self-confidence, social skills, coping skills, friendships, practical skills, knowledge of various kinds (Torah, practical, wisdom, etc.). You also have more control over your life than you do when you are younger.
Adolescence is the hardest – you have few resources and no control over your life.
“and ruin that potential heter.”
Who gave this heter?
That’s what I think. That’s why I try to use Torahdik concepts for my passwords – specifically, words that will have an effect on me when I type them.
HashemisReading serves that purpose as well. I just feel funny calling someone Hashem…. I know that’s not how it’s meant, c”v, but that’s how it feels to me. Maybe I should just call you Reading for short.
It is nice when people have user names that have a “messer”, like yours does. Then you internalize the concept each time you type it.
“So a good Yid can go around with an Afro, t-shirt, torn jeans and no socks while speaking Ebonics to his friends who call him Tipper?”
ZD: “Absolutly ,
And A Rasha can go around wearing a Bechasha, Streimel, gartel, Speak Yiddish and only eat hemish Foods, and never have learned secular studies
How you Dress does not make you a good or bad yid”
+1. (which is not to say that there is not an inyan to dress in a certain way – just to say that you can’t judge others by the way they are dressed).
Rebyid” “If I were to meet a serial killer or abuser, any actions I would take would be solely to protect myself and others, not to reprimand him for killing or abusing.”
lol, literally.
yeah, I really don’t think it’s such a good idea to give tochacha to a serial killer. As for the abuser, the only tochacha I would give is that he should get psychological help asap. I don’t think anything else would be too helpful.
Joseph – I think that Satmar hold that girls can’t even learn Chumash inside.
I don’t think that I have ever heard of anyone who says that girls can learn Chumash but not Rashi. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.
LB – you’re right. I guess I just thought the way it was phrased sounded funny. But it’s true that life can be very hard at 20. At the age of 20, I probably felt like I’d been down a long, hard road (and probably felt that more so at that age than I do now).
I’m sorry if I offended you, Rebshidduch. And I do wish you lots of hatzlacha!
“The Rav Shach story is missing information, there are people who are willing to do any averiah to get an account or job , we are not talking about that”
I’m not sure what information you think the story was missing.I think you may have missed the point of the story. The point was that Rav Shach said the parnassah comes from Hashem, and no one else can take away your parnassah, and you can’t get something that you weren’t meant to get.
If you do the right thing, you don’t lose out, period. That was the point. If the halacha is that you are not allowed to shake hands, then you don’t have to worry that you will lose out by doing so.
LF & Nisht – maskim.
ZD: “There are more than one opinions on this topic and you need to decide when to use the more machmir opinion and when to use the Kula.”
What you are saying may be true in certain cases when you are dealing with a topic in which there are different equally-valid opinions. Even then, you probably should ask a sheilah, but if they really are both equally-valid mainstream opinions given by Rabbanim whom you follow in general (and you’re not just choosing to follow their kulas), then it is possible that in some cases you might be right (but even then, you should probably ask a Rav).
I think that what you don’t realize is that that is not the case here. This is not a situation in which there are two equally-valid opinions given. All or most mainstream Rabbanim say that it is assur to shake hands. That is NOT a chumra. It is true that there may be heterim in certain circumstances. And if someone feels that the situation he is in calls for a heter, then he should certainly ask a Rav about it. But that was not the case here. LB did not say that she felt that she couldn’t follow the halacha and wanted a heter. So we should not be discouraging her from following the halacha by telling her that she might lose out by keeping the halacha.
In short, there is a difference between a heter and two equally-valid opinons. As far as I know, this falls in the first category.
Also, your original objection was not based on halacha. It was based on the concern that she would lose out by following halacha, which is why I responded that one never loses out by following halacha.
ZD: as Mod 29 wrote:
“Looks like someone really misread a post or two. We get blinded sometimes by our own prejudices..”
While it may be true that specific people have been given a heter to shake hands in specific circumstances (I don’t know for sure if that is true, but it may be), if you reread the OP, you will see that she did not mention that she was given a heter to shake hands. Nor did she ask us for a heter (which is good because none of us is qualified to do so). She did not even say that she was looking for a heter.
I wasn’t talking to ZDAD
oh my gosh.. I am so excited! MAZEL TOV! That is such good news!!!
I guess I can’t ask you any of the usual questions (what’s her name? Where is she from? How old is she? What does she do? etc.)
So we’ll just have to leave it at: Mazel Tov! and you should be zoche to build a bayis neeman b’Yisrael!!
Thanks for letting us know!
FuturePotus – I’m not sure, but I think LB might have just been explaining why in general, the moderators are makpid about not allowing contact between posters. Also, people could like about their gender. So even if they changed the policy and allowed people of the same gender to be in contact, they have no way of knowing if they really are the same gender or not.
FuturePotus – thanks for clarifying. In the context of some recent posts by another poster, it sounded like you might have been insulting me, although it was also possible that you could have meant it the way you explained above. So I am very glad to know you meant it the second way.
Thank you.
WTP – I’m sorry – that part of my post wasn’t meant for you. There was nothing harsh about your answer. I appreciate your answering my questions. I never knew anything about this before, and I’m happy to know. It’s important to know these things. If/when I have my own kids, I suppose I will find out anyhow, but meanwhile, it’s good to know in case I’m watching someone else’s kids. And I probably would never have heard about this otherwise, so thank you!
Don’t take my ignorance as a generalization – the fact that I never heard of this doesn’t mean that most people haven’t. When my youngest siblings were kids, they weren’t saying these things yet, so I was never updated. But I’m sure most parents of babies know about these things.
Now I’m really curious. What if you gave the source – would that make it okay? Or can you rewrite/summarize it in your own words? I would be very interested in knowing how people (male people in particular) feel about this. We already have one opinion above, and I would love to hear others.
Hatzlacha today LB!!! Hope it works out well. Just remember that as long as you doing Hashem’s Will, you can’t go wrong.
Hatzlacha!
Wow, moderators, it’s 2:42 am by you and you got my post up in 5 minutes?!! I’m impressed! I didn’t think it would be up before I leave for Shabbos.
What are you guys doing up so late?
I would hate to wear a tie. I’m glad I’m not a boy. I can’t even handle watches.
Meno, what are you thinking today?
Didn’t you say that you’re 20 years old and that you haven’t started shidduchim yet?
what?
I think the person who asked the question might not be around anymore (in the CR that is), but I guess the older posters can tell you if that’s true or not.
k – sorry for misjudging you – I wasn’t sure how it was meant and realized it could be meant either way.
Chanie
baby
nephew
Lag baomer
Omer
Pesach
cleaning
stress
WTP & ZD – thank you for the information and for answering my questions in any case. I would have preferred that the answers be given over a bit more nicely, but I appreciate the information in any case.
Actually, I was a bit bothered by it. I am not sure if this is how he meant it, but it sounds like it could be implying that Yeshiva bochurim aren’t really learning. Maybe that wasn’t how it was meant, but it seems to me that it could be taken that way.
ZD – you see now how labels breed sinas chinam. I have written several posts asking you for your opinion and showing respect and agreement for your opinion, and never once did I imply that I agree with the OP.
Yet you assume that I must agree with the person whom the OP was quoting because you are assuming that that person is Chareidi edited!
As you can see, I do not decide who to agree with based on their label (especially regarding an issue that has no connection to hashkafa). And I also don’t decide what label to give someone based on their opinion on a particular issue.
Why are you making assumptions about me based on my label? And why are you making assumptions about the OP’s quotee’s label based on his opinion? Why are you assuming that he must be Chareidi, and why are you assuming that I must agree with him?
Meno, lol.
“Did you ever bump an old thread cuz you didnt have what to do?”
There are a lot of opinions on the topic, and it also depends on many factors. The biggest problem is when people either assume that it is completely assur and any female who learns Gemara is committing an aveira or when people think it is completely mutar and don’t realize that there are many qualifications (what she’s learning, why she’s learning, where she’s learning, who’s teaching her, who she is, etc.)
ZD – You are right that there are times when labels serve an important purpose, but there are other times when they breed Sinas Chinam.
Reuven: “LU, Sounds like you’re agreeing with me. Thanks for the support.
Moderator: “Does it really?”
Reuven, I’m not sure if I was agreeing or disagreeing with you. Can you clarify what your point was, so I can tell you?
It really depends. I haven’t done it in a while so I don’t really remember what the norm is (if there is one). I would think that you should expect half an hour, but I’m not sure.
What do they ask?
Questions they will almost definitely ask you:
1. What are you looking for?
2. What do you do (if you’re in school, then where are you in school and what are you studying? if you’re working, where do you work and what is your job?)
3. Where are you from?
4. What are your plans?
5. Where did you go to high school?
6. Where did you go to Seminary?
7. Who are your references?
8. What does your father do?
9. What does your mother do?
10. How many siblings do you have/what number are you in your family/what do each of your siblings do or where do they learn or go to school?
11. Where did your father go to Yeshiva?
They also will probably ask you questions about your hashkafa/religious level unless it’s clear from your answers to the other questions (like what you’re looking for). In terms of that, they might ask about movies/tv. They might ask you about the type of Yeshiva you would go out with guys from (BMG, Chofetz Chaim, Ner Yisrael, YU, etc). They will ask you if you want a guy who’s learning or working or both, long-term or short-term.
Aside from that, you can end up with shadchanim who ask all sorts of original questions. I’ve had some interesting experiences. I remember one shadchan who asked me if I would have secular books in my house, and was horrified when I told her that I like Dr Seuss and might consider the possibility of having it in the house.
It’s a very long book. I like to finish books all at once, so I read it pretty quickly. I don’t remember how long it took, but probably no more than 3 days. I read the first half in order, and then I skipped around for the rest until I had read all of it at least once (actually probably several times!).
It’s a really good book – I actually bought it, even though I don’t usually buy these kinds of books. It’s usually a waste of money to buy these kinds of books because you usually only read them once.
But I felt like this was a book that I would want to have around to keep rereading.
Shouldn’t that be “an end in and of itself” (as opposed to a “means to an end”.)
ZD – I’m sorry, but your comment makes no sense and has no relevance to anything going on this conversation. You are making false accusations about me based on nothing.
“Just because someone is more frum and has an idea that sounds good on paper, doesnt mean its not foolish and dangerous.”
Who said otherwise? In fact, it is quite clear from all my posts in this thread that I agree with that statement.
“In general I notice you give the more charedi views D’Af khan, but are unwilling to give the same to someone less charedi than you.”
Where in the world do you see that from anything in this thread???? If anything, you see the opposite.
Wow, I never knew that putting on Tefillin while wearing a jacket is that complicated. I’m getting so educated in the CR.
So here’s my question: What do most people who wear jackets do?
A) what DY does
B) what PBA used to do when he wore a jacket
C) other_________
DY, I think you meant “her hand”.
“If they are a big client and they get insulted, then it is YOUR problem.”
No, it’s not – it’s their problem, not LB’s. She did the right thing; they did the wrong thing. They are the ones who will lost out; she will only gain.
Hashem doesn’t punish people for doing the right thing, so she has nothing to lose by doing the right thing. Nothing bad can happen to you as a result of doing the right thing. If a client ends up being lost, either it would have happened anyhow or it will really turn out to be good for her, but nothing bad can possibly happen as a result of doing a Mitzvah.
Someone once came to Rav Shach very upset because someone unfairly took a job that was meant for his daughter (I don’t remember the details, but apparently the other girl had done something that was assur in order to get the job).
Rav Shach said, “You have nothing to be upset about. Your daughter was obviously not meant to have the job. Everything is from Hashem, and the other girl couldn’t have caused this to happen. On the other hand, the other girl is really stupid, because she gained nothing but an aveira, because you can’t get something that Hashem didn’t want you to have”.
“”Avinu” comes before “Malkeinu”.”
And therefore? He’s still Malkeinu even if the Avinu comes first. Actually, that just goes to prove that Hashem can be both Avinu and Malkeinu at the same time and they are not contradictions. So by relating to Him as a Melech, you are not negating the fact that He is also our Father.
“Trust me i know what it’s like to be addicted to the internet! I’m gonna share something personal now: i once found a way to get around my parents filter and at first i used to just look at regular things and then i got really into it and i started doing things that i’m not even going to mention here cuz the mod’s are gonna kick me out!”
That’s exactly why one should try to avoid have internet at all even with the best filter!
Also, one of the reasons why I don’t agree with those posters who try to discourage you from coming to the Coffee Room. I realized that if you weren’t in the Coffee Room, there’s a good chance you would be elsewhere on the internet.
And kol hakovod to you, LB, for even asking the question!
Just smile at them nicely and say, “I’m so sorry, but I don’t shake hands for religious reasons”. Chances are they will respect you. And if they don’t, that’s their problem.
Also, make an extra effort to be polite and friendly, so they won’t think you are a snob.
Anyhow, I asked someone about it, and apparently the Tipat Chalav says that you shouldn’t even put a blanket in the baby’s crib (as WTP said). It seems that the concern is SIDS, c”v, not strangling.
Some people use blankets anyhow (albeit reluctantly) because the baby is cold and needs a blanket, so they consider it necessary.
I suppose that reasoning wouldn’t apply to a Tallis (and even the blanket is controversial).
“Please stop trying to defend the idea of having a tallis with strings anywhere near a baby, It doesnt belong there under any circumstances. Its never safe. babies get into all sorts of trouble. You need to minimize the danger at all times.”
Chas v’shalom! I wasn’t defending it. That wasn’t my point at all. I just wanted to understand the issue. These concepts aren’t part of my life right now, so I have never really thought about them.
I wrote that they can lead to sinas chaim. That doesn’t mean that they are always sinas chinas.
On the other hand, to some extent, the concept of labeling and dividing Am Yisrael does have an aspect of sinas chinam which is why these labels should only be used when necessary.
Is it necessary to describe the Jew you met as a Chiloni? Why not just call him a Jew? Shouldn’t you view the essence of his identity as being that he is Jewish and not that he is Chiloni?
Also, it is not so poshut to say that there is nothing negative about the terms. It is definitely a negative thing to be chiloni. Even if it’s not the guy’s fault because he is a tinok shenishba.
And when you are talking about Frum Jews, why do you have to emphasize our differences? Why do you have to give someone a label just because they celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut differently than you do? Why not emphasize the fact that you both keep 613 Mitzvos, learn Torah, believe in the 13 Ani Maamin’s, try to have Yiras Shamayim and Ahavas Hashem, and try to live a life of Avodas Hashem?