I’m sorry to be off topic, but I know Daas Yochid is watching this thread.

DY – You posted these lyrics in the old “Name That Tune!” thread.

You mentioned them being from an old song. What is it?

There is no gloom like the darkness of the lonely; there is no chill like the cold of despair. No solitude like a person abandoned for expressing a desire, his heritage to share.

Well, now that we’ve cleared that up… more science!

___________________________

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets, and

____

A physics student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. He asks, “Excuse

me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

____

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.

____

A – “I used to think correlation implied causation.

Then I took a statistics class. Now I don’t.”

B – “Sounds like the class helped.”

A – “Well, maybe.”

____

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red

rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of

the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated the volume as a triple

integral. The engineer found the spec sheet for the ball on the vendor’s web site.

____

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. During the night, the engineer is

awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire

extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees

the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as

distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the

extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!” and heads back into his room.

Another version:

An engineer, a mathematician and a statistician all encounter the same problem -their trashcan is on fire. The engineer puts the fire out with water. The mathematician calculates the EXACT amount of water to put the fire out, precisely measures it in time to put it out at time t. The statistician decides

that the sample size isn’t large enough, so he sets other trash cans on fire to study the problem more.

____

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5

ft. to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 ft. to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”

____

A 6′ statistician tried to cross a stream with an average depth of 3′. He drowned.

____

A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

____

Q. Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?

A. The one with the lowest mew.

____

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

____

A programmer goes to take a shower. He has a new shampoo, so he reads the directions on the side of the bottle. He’s never seen again.

____

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, “How odd. All the sheep in Scotland are black!” “No, no, no!” says the physicist. “Only some Scottish sheep are black.” The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions’ muddled thinking and says, “In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here some of the time.”

____

An electron and a positron walk into a bar. There were no survivors.

____

Someone told me I was average. I said, “That’s just mean”.

____

the optimist looks at the glass and determines that it’s half full

the pessimist looks at the glass and determines that it’s half empty

the engineer looks at the glass and determines that it’s twice as big as it needs to be

____

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

____

You can always tell when you’re in a chemistry major’s apartment.

He has an occasional chair and a periodic table.

____

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. (Science anti-proverb!)

____

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

____

What’s the difference between an physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

A physicist sees the universe as a model of their mathematical formulas.

An engineer sees their mathematical formulas as models of the universe.

A mathematician sees no connection between the two.

____

Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop.

“Dr. Heisenberg, do you know why I pulled you over?”

“No, officer.”

“Well, I just clocked you going exactly 100 miles per hour.”

“Oh, thanks for nothing! Now I’m lost.”

Alternate version:

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the interstate, well over the speed limit. They get

pulled over.

The cop asks, “Do you know how fast you were going, son?”

Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

The cop says, “You were doing 108 miles per hour.”

Heisenberg replies, “Well, now I’m lost!”

The cop is not amused and decides to search the car. When he gets to the trunk, he asks, “Did you

know you’ve got a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schrodinger says, “Well, I do now…”

–

–

–

–

–

–

–

Google “Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle” and

“Scrodinger’s cat” if you feel the need.

At least somebody acknowledged me. 🙂 Thanks, Boruch.

Hey! It’s Crazybrit,

Subtitle so long I can’t handle it

In my dreams, I cut it down to size

The mods and I just can’t see eye-to-eye on (this)

____

If you don’t know the original,I don’t think

you’ll find it by Googling – I tried.

frumnotyeshivish is still here, and he joined 7 years ago!

For science! I must know which joke is problematic, and then I must find out why. Or maybe Noam Chomsky, if that’s who “Chomsky” is meant to be, has been blacklisted on YWN properties. Or I need

[Weird. I didn’t do anything to make that umlaut.]

(1 of 3)

Heisenberg, Godel and Chomsky walk into a bar.

Heisenberg says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny or not?”

So Godel says, “Well we can’t know for sure, because we’re inside the joke.”

To which Chomsky replies, “Of course it’s funny, it’s just not being told properly.”

Stop trying to be co-medians.

I’ll take that as a yes.

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. “That skeleton’s sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old,”

____

How about:

I think it’s both unrealistic and somewhat ethically questionable to artificially hold back boys who are ready to get married.

Hey, wait a second, we’re already trying to fix that.

What is this all about? I only have this one name, so you can add me to your list if you want… Isn’t it against the rules to use multiple names?

Isn’t it a certain number of posts to a page?

My father would like explained how the age gap problem came about.

You can’t say that one year, all the boys decided to get married to girls younger than the previous norm had been, causing an instant gap to be created… So how exactly did this happen?

Something like that.

More in the light-hearted science vein, there’s this little gem,

sung to the tune of the “Major-General’s Song” from Gilbert

and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance:

“The Elements” – Tom Lehrer

There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,

And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium

And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,

And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,

Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium

And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium

And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium

And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium

And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,

And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.

There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium

And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium

And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,

Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium

And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,

Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, and

Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,

And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There’s sulphur, californium and fermium, berkelium

And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium

And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium

And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper,

Tungsten, tin and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,

And there may be many others, but they haven’t been discovered.

It went on to inspire Lenny Solomon to write

“The Shabbat Song” – Shlock Rock

There’s plowing, and there’s planting, and there’s harvesting and gathering,

There’s threshing, and there’s winnowing, and then there is selecting,

There is grinding and there’s sifting, and there is also kneading,

There is baking, and there’s shearing, and there is also bleaching.

There is combing and there’s dyeing, and there’s plenty of spinning,

Threading loom and threading harness, and there’s also weaving,

Separating thread, there is tying and untying, (breath)

There’s sewing and there’s tearing, and you know there’s also trapping.

There’s slaughtering, and skinning and there’s tanning and there’s smoothing,

And there’s marking, and there’s cutting, and there’s writing and erasing,

You must remember building, and you can’t forget demolishing,

Or kindling, extinguishing, the final blow or carrying.

There’s choresh, and zoreah, and there’s kotzer and m’amer,

There is dash, and there’s zoreh, and don’t forget borer,

There’s tochain and meraked, and then there’s also lash,

There’s o’feh, and there’s gozez, and then there is melabain.

There’s minapetz and tzoveah, and plenty of toveh,

May-sech, shtay batei nirin, and a little bot of ohreg,

Then there is poetzayah, and there’s koshare and there’s mateer, (breath)

There’s tofer and koreah, and you know there’s also tzad.

There’s shochait, and there’s mafshit, there’s meabaid and memachaik,

There’s meshartait, and mechataich, there is kotaiv and there’s mochaik,

There’s boneh and there’s soter, there is maveer and mechabeh,

Makeh bapatish and finally hotza’ah.

These are the many tasks that were used to build the Mishkan.

They number thirty nine and on the Sabbath are forbidden.

It has been 5 days. And it’s not like DaasYochid needs

more respect to the point of faking this whole thing.

[slowly wipes egg from face]

Popa bar Abba asked:

Children at home? What sort of “apartment” are you looking for? A room in someone’s house?

This has not yet been addressed. (I had thought of it too.)

Post 2 of 3: Jewish(?) jokes (if they’ve appeared in the thread before… too bad. You probably don’t remember them anyway.)

[Jewishness = about American Jewish Times’ Narishkeit Page level.]

{I’m not bothering to proofread and correct them to perfection.}

______________________________

Cohen and Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other.

Cohen hates Levy – he thinks he’s a gonniff, a liar and an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen. One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can’t resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.

“Cohen”, says the genie, “because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish – anything you want – money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much.”

“You mean,” says Cohen, “if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?”

“That’s right,” says the genie.

“All right, genie,” says Cohen. “I know what I want.”

“What’s that?”

“I wish I were half dead.”

____

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.

“When,” scolded Father Kelly playfully, “are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?”

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied “At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.”

____

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.

The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”

And G-d said “A minute.”

Then the man asked:

“Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”

and G-d said: “A penny”

Then the man asked:

“G-d…..can I have a penny?”

And G-d said:

“Sure…..In a minute.”

____

Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy!”

A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!”

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!”

To which the first bubbe replies: “I thought we weren’t going to talk about our children!”

____

An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.

“What’s new, Sara?”

“Why, it’s nice to see you again Avi,” the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.

After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

“Oh,” she said. “We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him.”

The husband began to laugh. “You don’t realize how lucky you are. If I hadn’t come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!”

The wife replied without hesitation, “Not really. If I had married him, he’d now be a mayor!”

____

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little Jewish fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish fellow.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little Jewish man “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The Jewish fellow replied: “I work for the Jewish National Fund.”

____

A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.

A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: “If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we’ll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him.”

To this replied one woman: “If that’s the case, give him to the other woman.”

The rabbi said: “Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!”

____

Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying “Please help the war veteran”, and the other holds a sign saying “Please help a poor Jew”.

People pass by and even those who didn’t intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: “Why don’t you change your sign? Don’t you understand that nobody will give you any money?” and walks away.

As he goes, one beggar turns to the other and says: “Haim, he would teach US business?”

____

Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.

The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Gabbai (sexton).

They told the Rabbi: “We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests?”

“Only one,” said the Rabbi. “All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon”.

“No problem” said the chief terrorist. “Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you”.

He turned to the Cantor: “You’ll be second to die. Any last requests?”

“Only one” said the Cantor. “All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once”.

“No problem”, said the terrorist. He then turned to the Gabbai. “You’ll be third. Any last wish?”

“Only one”, said the Gabbai. “Please kill me first.”

____

A little Jewish lady from the U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, “Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt mind?”

The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say “ize-krim”, ve say “glace”.”

“Aw K”, says Mrs. Ginsberg, “I”ll hev a boxl glace. End if you”ll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy.”

The clerk replies haughtily, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say “cookiss”, ve say “pastilles”; and ve do not say “kendy”, ve say “bonbons”.”

“Dot”s fine”, replies Mrs. Ginsberg, “put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you”ll dunt mind, repp it opp, I”ll take it vit me.”

At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!”

____

(You’ve probably heard this one before – I know I did.)

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says. “What was that for?”

“That was for the Titanic,” the chinese man says.

“But that was an iceberg!”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

____

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .

____

Q – What do Jewish wives make for supper?

A – Reservations.

____

Q – What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

A – “Is ANYTHING all right?”

____

Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?

A. Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?

Here in Lakewood, people put up posters. There’s a nice fancy one in color with a translation of a letter from Reb Moshe…

Can you call up Rabbonim/Rebbetzins in the neighborhood and ask them to address the issue?

LittleFroggie, what’s all this about your supposed controversial nature? I haven’t seen anything… oh, right, I wouldn’t, would I?

Question(s): Do posts have to be approved before people can see them now? And has it always been that way?

Posts are always approved before others can see them. When they are approved, they will no longer be yellow by you.-79

RY23: “The Man Who Folded Himself is a 1973 science fiction novel by David Gerrold that deals with time travel.” – Wikipedia

It’s not kosher reading material.

Sam2: I believe what Leyzer means is that mentioning Vilna and Paris implies non-direct/derech hateva influence.