Forum Replies Created
To those of you saying no hotel lounges; what about lounges like the View in the Marriott Marquis or some of the rooftop lounges in NYC, would those be ok, b/c there’s lots to see?
Back when ChaCha first started I signed up to be a guide, they were paying $0.20 per answer. I did it for about a month at night and made about $500. I stopped after a month but I still log in once in a while to see if they made the system any better. Since then they’ve changed their system, to make more questions automated, so guides don’t get paid and they lowered the amount they pay, I think most questions only pay $0.10 now. During that month I got quite a bit of inappropriate questions, unfortunately lots of them were from people who had previously asked questions that you would only expect from a frum jew. It’s now possible to filter out those type of questions. I don’t really see it as a good way to make money, although it’s better than doing nothing. If you do use ChaCha to ask questions keep in mind that the guides see your past questions and that ChaCha is aware that they have a lot of orthodox jews using their service and they pay a lot of attention to what questions you’re asking.
I think it’s wrong for a guy to make a girl travel to date him, unless there are extenuating circumstances, he is supposed to be a gentleman after all. Although, if you’re going to make your wife take care of you for the rest of your life, it might make sense to make her come to you.
melechalmaklo: I think that the problem you’re talking about with learning guys having lists and being insensitive, is driving some girls to look for working guys. That’s not such a bad thing in theory, but these girls are really on a level where they ideally should be with a learning guy. They expect the working guys to be on the same level as the learning guys except they also want them to be more mature, responsible and have better middos.
“if the guys actually had to go out and work hard to get a girl, they would appreciate them more. naturally, they would be more sensitive. the insensitivities come from lack of appreciation for something they got with little effort.”
I disagree. I’m a guy and I do have to work hard to find a girl, but that is not why I act like a mensch. I think that good guys (and most of my friends fit in this category) will not act any differently b/c they have it easier in shidduchim than girls do. A mensch will always try to act like a mensch, there’s no reason to make excuses for the guys that choose not to.
same problems here
“Hey…is that me you guys are talkin’ about? Hhhmmm….”
Well, you are the one who said you’re crazy…
“Not the only crazy one?”
Volvie, what’s the question, she said she was crazy, I’m not gonna call her a liar. There must be other things she does that make her “crazy”.
smartcookie: Personally I don’t think silence being comfortable or normal really requires that much closeness. Even if it did, I would think you should be that close before getting married. I guess it really depends on your dating style. You’re definitely not the only crazy one, talking about silence doesn’t even seem that crazy to me.
smartcookie: I disagree with you. They are dating to get married, they absolutely should be comfortable with each other (way) before they get married. Personally I think it’s normal to be that comfortable with silence after just a couple of dates and even on a first date you don’t have to be talking the whole time, even though the silence is awkward. I have discussed the silence with a date before and it did make me feel more comfortable.
Actually in my personal experience the girls have been the insensitive/inflexible one, not all guys are the same. IMO if a guy acts insensitive, it’s b/c he is insensitive, anything else is just an excuse.
“If you have comfortable silences on dates its probably a very good sign!”
How do you know if a silence is comfortable or awkward? This may sound like a weird question, but I’m serious. I’ve been told that if you feel comfortable or awkward, your date probably feels the same way. I know that I have ruined some comfortable silences before by trying to force conversation b/c I thought my date might not be comfortable with the silence. So my question is, is it worse to have awkward silences or to force conversation possibly ruining a comfortable silence?
Volvie: On dates? I know it’s normal, but they don’t call them “awkward” silences for nothing.
AZOI:IS: In my experience it’s more common for girls to demand outgoing, lively guys, than the other way around. Guys want the girl to be friendly and able to hold a conversation, girls care more about the singing, dancing and popularity.
“THIS and ONLY THIS is their true HOPE.
NOTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER”
You lost me there, maybe you’re taking it just a bit too far?
Bodek: The boys should think it’s their job to keep the conversation flowing, but so should the girls, conversation needs to be two-sided and a it’s not good for a girl to rely on the boy to keep the conversation going . BTW in my previous post I was talking about blogs other than the CR where they do talk about specific questions, apparently I’m not allowed to give you the link.
Volvie: I don’t think anyone’s saying that the Chasidish lifestyle isn’t better in some ways. If you want to change our entire society, good luck.
Bodek: There are a few frum female bloggers (gasp) who have posted lists of things to talk about on dates that will probably be more relevant to shidduch dating than most books.
“Why? Are Litvish people made from a different kind of blood than Chasidish people?”
Ditto to the wolf’s answer
“REALLY? what secret powers do we posses? “
It’s a secret! You don’t want everyone to know you have x-ray vision, do you?
Rochelle: The results are good for Chasidish people, I don’t think it would translate to good results for litvish people.
Rochelle: I’m not in favor of the chassidish style, it’s great for them, not for me though.
Rochelle, There were a few that had height requirements, a lot have had other less crazy requirements like must be willing to learn for three years or must have a college degree. My point is that there are plenty of people (boys and girls) who are not married b/c they are doing things wrong (not to mention the ridiculous things their parents do). There may be a significant problem with the age-gap, but it shouldn’t be used as an excuse for every girl that’s not married.
“Girls Don’t control who they are redd to”
Why not? I know of girls who have asked to be redd to a particular guy.
BP Totty: Like the story, but disagree with your point. Not all bad news is relevant or necessary to report. People who only read YWN may feel the world is a sad place, it’s not. That’s why I always go from YWN to Onlysimchas, leave on a happy note.
Rochelle: Maybe I wasn’t clear, I meant that the girls are on their cell phones during the dates and therefore they get dumped. Also I was given a “shidduch resume” for a girl who was 5’6″ and it said in bold “No Guys Under 5’9″!” I think I’m a drop taller than that but it’s possible that my measurements are off by a half inch, who knows? Either way I was not interested in going out with her.
I don’t think it helps to say that the girls aren’t doing anything wrong, some of them certainly are and need help correcting those things. I’m not saying to be mean and look at older girls as if they’re all doing something wrong. I’m sure there are a lot of girls who do everything right and are still single, but there are lots who dump guys for stupid reasons, play with their cell phones on dates and are still holding on to ridiculous demands (e.g. the guy has to be over 5′ 10″, have a good job, and be willing to move to Brooklyn). I think too much is blamed on the guys and the age-gap.
I refuse to be 17 again, it’s a bad number and an even worse movie.
“I think people mistake quiet for nebby. Whether quiet or not, a girl must manage to convince the guy that she is not totally out of it.”
You’re right that people mistake quiet for nebby, the problem is they can’t convince their date of anything if they’re not getting dates b/c someone thinks they’re nebby. I think it’s a problem in the way their being presented.March 3, 2010 4:51 am at 4:51 am in reply to: Chile Earthquake Shortens the Day and Changes Earth's Axis #675970
Volvie: Bungee jumping is not really that dangerous, see the quote below that I stole from a website without verifying it’s accuracy.
“Statistics have shown that one bungee jump is approximately as dangerous as travelling one hundred and sixty-one kilometres by automobile. This statistic conveys that the chances of death are about one in five hundred thousand.”
Also you can watch the keynote video on Apple’s website, definitely looks better for reading than the kindle.
AZ: I wasn’t saying that they shouldn’t thank the shaddchan, just that you should understand it may take some time before they’re able to.
Volvie: True, I don’t know for certain how the books will look on the ipad, but I do think that the model that Apple has set up for buying books is superior. Also based on the lighting and graphics of all Apple products, I would say it’s safe to assume it will be better for reading books than the kindle.
Volvie: I’m not so sure that bungee jumping should be banned, how about skydiving or taking flying lessons, should they be banned as well?
I don’t think that banning girls and boys who are of marriageable age, from exchanging phone numbers is going to prevent anyone who would do “indecent” things from doing them. It’s like making guns illegal so bad guys can’t get guns, they get them anyway.
I don’t know if it’s AT&T or just the combination of AT&T and the iPhone but there are times where you dial a number and the call fails over and over, even though you’re in an area with good coverage. Overall it’s acceptable but just barely.
The bigger screen is a big difference, it makes it much better for running business apps, like word processors. It’s also a very good book reader, much better than the kindle.
It depends on the model of the blackberry, most of them are better for phone calls and emails than the iPhone. The iPhone is much better for internet access and apps. The worst part of the iPhone is that it’s limited to AT&T.
AZ: From my experience, when you break up after a 6th date, especially if it wasn’t your choice, you’re not likely to be thinking clearly enough to properly thank a shaddchan. Also, it’s possible they blame the shaddchan for things not working out (sometimes it is their fault).
AZ: It doesn’t sound like anyone is suggesting that someone pay a shaddchan $20. It sounds to me like that shaddchan might tell people he charges a $20 minimum, as a way to make them comfortable paying whatever they can afford. It would be ridiculous to give a shaddchan $20, but I don’t think every shaddchan should get paid $1,000 or more from each side. If I go to a shaddchan who is not very helpful but happens to pick the right girl for me, I would be comfortable giving him $500 or so. If the shaddchan is helpful and spends a lot of time working for me, I would feel obligated to pay something even if the shidduch didn’t go through. Also I’m curious, how would you feel if the parents of a chosson or kallah didn’t give you an acceptable amount and the chosson/kallah offered to pay you in a few years when they can afford it?
Personally I can understand not wanting to give more than the minimum shalach manos. I think people get a little carried away with it. What I don’t understand is how so few people here, have a problem with her saying “I can’t be bothered” it should not be acceptable to be that rude.
“And that is the proper way to bring up Bnei Yisroel. So your parents brought you up quite well. 🙂 “
I agree, my parents did a good job, thanks. However, I do think that once we reach the age that we’re ready for marriage, there should be more open communication between boys and girls. My parents would not have a problem with me asking a girl out directly, so long as I wasn’t asking simply b/c I thought she was good looking.
Volvie: I wasn’t being judgmental of shaddchanim in general, I specifically said some of them are good. I continue to use the good ones but frankly I’ve had better luck with shidduchim suggested by friends and family.
He did not suggest frumster and I didn’t ask him about it b/c I’m not really interested in using it. I’m not comfortable approaching girls and asking them out directly, that’s not how I was brought up. However I think the attitude that guys and girls who try to meet people on their own (for marriage purposes) are doing something wrong, is detrimental and a big part of the shidduch “crisis”.
“Dealing with a shadchan is a benefit.”
Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not. The shaddchan who actually makes a single person feel valued and gives them the time of day seems to be pretty rare. I have met a few good ones so I haven’t given up on them completely.
“If you are worried about people knowing you are using these websites, perhaps you should realize that you are worried as such since there is something untowardly about using them. Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about people knowing you are engaged in this type of activity. “
100% wrong. The reason I don’t want other people to know is that THEY may be judgmental and mean. I think you’ve done a fair job illustrating that. My Rav actually suggested that I use one of these sites.
AZOI.IS: I don’t have a frumster account so I can’t be sure of the details. Just doing a quick search on their website shows that there are quite a few guys in the “Yeshivish Black Hat” and “Yeshivish Modern” categories. I would put myself in the latter category and I think I’d be more likely to use a site like frumster than SYAS. My reasoning is that on SYAS you have to deal with a shaddchan and if I understand correctly they call your references so other people would know you’re using the site (am I wrong about this?). With Frumster I think there’s less verification done so fewer people would know you’re using it (i.e. you can do it without your family knowing). Also Frumster is actually a dating site, meaning that you actually see the details and interact with the people you are interested in. I actually filled out a profile at eHarmony for the purpose of a post I was writing for my blog and I found that there are frum girls on there as well.
smartcookie: I’m all for talking to a Rav, I’m just curious what you would ask the rav. Would the couple go together to the rav before getting engaged? I’m not making fun, I’m really trying to understand what they would ask the rav.
“Also, women tend to post old pictures of themselves. I dated two women from the site and when I met them I could hardly believe these were the same women as in the photos”
I’m guessing not in a good way 😉
There’s nothing to stop these people from lying to shaddchanim either, unless the shaddchan actually knows them.
Is it really necessary to consult a Rav before getting married? I understand if you’re not sure about something or if there’s an issue you don’t know how to handle; but if everything’s OK and you want to marry the girl, what are you asking? Also let’s say there is no Haskama from a Gadol regarding Frumster, what does that say about the shidduchim they made?