Forum Replies Created
I don’t see a difference between getting my 5 year old son to use his body to hold something and placing something on his body (so long as it’s safe) while he’s sleeping because I need the space, even if I’m not getting his permission to do so. In my view, the notion that I need his permission is absurd.
The difference is that when Hashem tells you to do something to your child you don’t have to ask. But technically they are correct you cant do what you want to your child. Its not your possession.
I disagree. We do what is beneficial for the child because they are our responsibility. You take your infant for shots because it benefits the child. They must go to school (or home schooled) because it’s the parent’s responsibility to make sure they are educated. We don’t need the child’s permission. And yes, sometimes we use our children for our benefit, like getting a kid to hold something for us, or placing an item on them. So long as it’s safe.
WIY: My child does belong to me. That does not mean I can treat them improperly ch’v. But if I wanted my minor child to hold something and old enough to understand, I will tell him to hold it. I do not need his permission. If he will say no, I will punish him for not listening to me, unless he had a good reason to not want to hold it. I cannot imagine what this world would be like if we needed our children’s permission to want and make them do something. It would be chaos. And imagine that! Needing permission from an infant!
I have seen a lot of your posts. They usually make sense. This does not.
WIY: I can understand you being concerned about the child’s safety. I don’t think it’s safe to put a baby into the wagon that way even without anything being place on top of him/her.
But the child’s dignity? Oh please! It wouldn’t matter what age the child was. There is nothing degrading about a mother putting an item on top of him/her. I see nothing at all wrong with that. I’m an adult and if my mother did that to me, I would only be glad to help. And an infant who can’t even realize? Sorry, I can’t imagine how you think it’s degrading.
Thank you Matan1: You only proved my point. It’s what I believe that a smart person without a degree can know a whole lot more than a psychologist with a degree.
From Amazon description of the book “House of Cards” by Robyn Dawes.
Dawes (social and decision sciences, Carnegie Mellon Univ.) presents a strong argument, based on empirical research, that psychotherapy is largely a shill game. He argues that while studies have shown that empathetic therapy is often helpful to people in emotional distress, there is no evidence that licensed psychologists or psychiatrists are any better at performing therapy than minimally trained laypeople. Nor are psychologists or psychiatrists any better at predicting future behavior than the average person–a disturbing conclusion when one contemplates the influence such “experts” have on the U.S. judicial system. While other books have criticized the psychologizing of our society, none has been so sweeping or so convincingly argued. This book raises such important societal issues that all academic and public libraries have a duty to make a permanent place for it on their shelves.
Can the moderators close this thread? Only harm can come from this discussion. A person should seek mental health advice from a trained psychologist, and only a trained psychologist. To argue back and forth on this website is pointless, especially since most of the posters here (my self included) have no formal training in psychotherapy.
Do you all really think that because someone has a degree in psychology (and even has many years “experience”) knows exactly how to help another person with their psychological issues? For every competent psychologist, I can find you many more psychologists who have no real clue how to help their clients. And for nth patient that was helped by a certain psychologist, there are many more who were not helped, because the psychologist didn’t understand what the real underlying issue was. Don’t get me wrong. There are many psychologists that are very good, but many others do not have the knowledge and intuition what would help figure out the causes for certain behaviors. And many of them do more harm than good.
I cannot agree or disagree with PBA regarding CBT, because I don’t know exactly how it’s implemented, but I can tell you, that there is no doubt that depression comes from circumstances which causes the “Chemical imbalance” rather than the other way around. And it’s important to go through the thoughts (childhood circumstances or current environment) that is causing the depression rather than train a person to have positive thoughts and/or medicate them.
notasheep: I am flabbergasted! Clearly you didn’t read the book, and you are defending it??!!
Many reviewers typed lines that were actually in the book. It is clear from those lines (I highly doubt these reviewers made up those lines) that the authors advocate disciplining children in a way that would be considered criminal child abuse.
Not only that, even just “looking inside” that amazon allows a person to preview a bit of the book, shows unacceptable ways of “training” even an infant!
How can you possibly defend a book when you have no clue what is inside it?
I am merely trying to point out that in order to discredit something, people will jump on the bandwagon without actually having checked up the facts themselves. Perhaps you should take your advice and check the facts too before commenting.
Technically one should love their spouse more than one’s child. Your spouse comes first
Depends on the age of the child. Minors should come before the spouse. Adult children, it depends on the issues.
notasheep: There are nearly 3,000 one star reviews on Amazon, each one claiming that the book encourages parents to hit their children even infants. While I’m sure not all read the book, and many can miscontrue the authors intent, I’m equally sure that the book encourages parents to hit their child as a way of training the child to behave. That is unacceptable way of educating children. One doesn’t educate an infant to not touch things by smacking the kid.
I would assume telling a child 6-8 years of age, that if they touch what they don’t want them to touch, it would be sufficient to tell them that they would be asked to leave. End of problem for most children.January 2, 2014 3:45 pm at 3:45 pm in reply to: How to ask a rebellious teen to do something without getting resistance #997112
And don’t say this is my house so while you’re here you follow my rules.
The only reason I don’t say that is because they shouldn’t think that when they get married and move out, it becomes acceptable.January 1, 2014 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm in reply to: How to ask a rebellious teen to do something without getting resistance #997107
WIY: I don’t have any experience regarding these things, but if you’re asking what a parent should do, I would think a parent should listen anyway.
I once heard about a boy who fit the profile of what you describe, and his father listened to him ever single night, even though it was extremely hard for him. And supposedly this is what brought the kid back.January 1, 2014 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm in reply to: How to ask a rebellious teen to do something without getting resistance #997103
Syag Lchochm: Very well said.
Forget telling them what to do. How about giving love? Show them how much care. Tell them how wonderful and good you think they are. Ask about their day. Tell them about your day. Communicate without showing any negativity and without giving them any orders at all. Talk to them with the same consideration you do when speaking to a person that is not part of your family. Then you won’t have to be asking about how to tell them to put on a coat!
Listen the Kotzker said it. He obviously believed it. You don’t believe it ok. And who are you? Not trying to be mean but if you disagree with something you need to explain why! Do you have an acceptable source that says otherwise or is this purely boich speaking?
I don’t believe the reasoning and therefore, obviously I don’t believe the Kotzker said it. It doesn’t make sense to me. Which is why I posted the story, to see if someone here can bring a source and rebuttal why it does make sense.
The OP is from revach.net
Or maybe this was the Ratzon Hashem that for whatever reason there should be a “fight” between the 2 of them.
If this is true, this wouldn’t be a plan of the yetzer hara, which is it says the Kotzker Rebbe is supposed to have said.
I don’t have issue with the Chozer not seeing what was correct, even if it’s hard to believe.
What I have issue with is that the yetzer hara had this plan to keep a person squeeky clean and not bother him at all his whole life in order to trip up the chozer. I don’t believe it.
And I don’t think that what Rav Chatzkel Levenstein said gives merit to this “conspiracy theory”.
I don’t believe the OP story. For a person who went to the next world to come down and tell his children to go to a different religion makes no sense.
From the book: Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise
Characteristics Of Adults Shamed In Childhood
Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.
Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don’t believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.
Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
Adults shamed as children feel that, “No matter what I do, it won’t make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable.”
Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
Adults shamed as children experience depression.
Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
Characteristics Of Shame-Based Adults In Relationships:
We lose ourselves in love.
When we argue, we fight for our lives.
We expend a great deal of energy in mind-reading. We frequently talk to ourselves about what our partners are feeling and needing more than to our partners.
We pay a high price for those few good times.
We often sign two contracts upon commitment, one conscious and another which is unconscious.
We blame and are blamed.
We want them gone, then fight to get them back.
We know it will be different but expect it to be the same.
We often feel that our partners are controlling our behavior.
We are frequently attracted to the emotional qualities in another that we have disowned in ourselves.
We often create triangles in relationships.
We seek the unconditional love from our partners that we didn’t receive adequately in a shaming childhood.
Letting others think they are smarter than you due to narcissism is a slippery slope. You will only get more sucked in. Bad idea.
I think the “but” does say he meant it negatively. Again, ask that person or ask someone else who knows the boy. Don’t ask us. Nobody over here can possibly know.
I would think it means he’s real. He doesn’t make believe he’s something that he’s not.
But really, it’s impossible for us to know what the person meant. You need to ask that person what they meant.
Love a yid: You need help!!!
It says: Those who are kind to the evil will end up being evil to the kind.
Asking forgiveness for yelling at a person who gave you a loss of $3,000? Are you mad?November 25, 2013 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm in reply to: What Do You Remember For Longer: A Compliment or an Insult? #988873
Handle an insult with acceptance. This may seem like a very weak response, but in many cases it is actually the strongest response of all. When someone insults us, we ought to consider three things: whether the insult is true, who it came from, and why. If the insult is true, the person it came from is reasonable, and his motive is worthy, then the insult is not an insult but a statement of fact and, moreover, one that is potentially very helpful to us. Thus it is usually the case that we do not or ought not take offense at our teacher, parent, or best friend.
In general, if I respect the person who insulted me, I ought to give thought to the insult and learn as much as I can from it. On the other hand, if I think that the person who insulted me is not worthy of my consideration, I have no reason to take offense at him, just as I have no reason to take offense at a naughty child or a barking dog.
Notice that, whatever the case, I have no reason to take offense.
Writersoul: Thank you very much for presenting very well both advantages and disadvantages.
The Shotzer Rebbe, Rav Sholom Moskowitz ??”? is buried at the Adas Yisroel cemetery in Enfield, London.
trak443: I don’t have a suggestion for a school to send him to, however, I would suggest that you give him something outside of school that he can enjoy. Perhaps lessons to learn an instrument. Or learn karate. Or anything that is kosher and will give him pleasure.
See what you can do to get him functioning as a person.
Very often suffering comes from self defeating behaviors, often without the person is realizing. If this is the case, it’s important to get to the bottom of it, either through therapy, or speaking to a wise person who can figure things out together with you. Sometimes self help books or self help seminars can help.
What happens if someone creates a username after they were awarded a SUC? Do they lose their certificate?
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.
It’s raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence
If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
(P + l) (a + n) = pa+pn+la+ln I just foiled your plan
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
He said I was average – but he was just being mean.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me
What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? “I don’t wanna be Obama self”
NSH: That’s very kind of you to ask. I’m dealing with what I view as a mistake in my life. However, Hashem is the one who controls the world and sometimes when we think we are making decisions, really it is not.
Yes. It did help me. Thanks so much. I had forgotten that I posted this question. Do you know a phone number that I can reach them?
To take away the pain from my life.November 8, 2013 3:05 pm at 3:05 pm in reply to: How much do you give your wife per week for the family budget? #987988
You try telling a woman that she’s wrong. Even if it’s done diplomatically, with tact, they shut down. I have yet to meet a woman that can handle constructive criticism.
I think you are the problem. If it would just be your wife who has issues, you would have never wrote what you wrote above.
Life is like photography.
You use the negatives to develop.
maybe start dating (it makes you clean up your act).
No it doesn’t. A person with issues should take care of those issue before contemplating marriage. Otherwise he is just giving his problems to another person. It’s not fair to a girl.
Haleivi: I was aware of that. I wanted to see if anyone had anything else to add.
My question wasn’t whether I should trust the rabbi for his advice even if I don’t agree with it. My question is, is it ok to “argue” after hearing what he had to answer. Saying “but ….” Or is it considered disrespectful?
I’m not interested in hearing how he see things that I don’t. Nor that he is much smarter than me. I just want a straight answer to my question.
WIY: I’m not talking about halacha. If one goes to ask advice from a rebbe, and you don’t agree with his answer. Is it ok to say respectfully what you think about it, even if it differs with what the rebbe just said.
Are sons more desirable than daughters?
Depends who you ask. For some people sons are more desirable. For some, daughters are. For the rest of the population, the gender doesn’t matter. Only that the child should be healthy, happy and erlich.
I would add also, that the desire to continue doing specific aveiros may not in any way compare to this aveira. There is something called internet addiction, I hightly doubt a person will be addicted to be mechalel Shabbos or eating trief. If they are inspired to change, likely they will. Not so with internet addiction. I believe there is no comparison. In my view, those who say it’s just like any other aveira, are either ignorant or rationalizing their own behavior.
Thanks to all who responded.
Each individual is different, and their environment is different, so there isn’t one size fits all answer. So even though some of your answers differ, it could apply to some people.
For those females who responded, sure, yes, it’s doable. I know there is a long standing disagreement in the CR with whether girls and boys differ in this area, but I believe very strongly that it does. So those girls who said sure, it’s doable, it may not apply to a boy.
For those who think I was talking about myself, let me just say, I am way over 20 years ago, and I’m female, so no, I was not in any way talking about myself (if you’ll notice in the OP I said a 20 year old boy)
I also do not have any control over this boy. My question was really, if this boy has a desire to change, is it doable? Or will he struggle for the rest of his life?
As for those who think it’s just a regular aveira, let me compare this to eating chazer. Eating chazer ruins the neshama, and everything is downhill. I believe so does the internet. Being mechalel Shabbos does not have the same affect.
So to say, one can be productive in life even if one does this aveira, I don’t believe he/she will have the same productivity. It greatly affects other areas in life.