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Its hard for those not similarly motivated why yidden feel a compulsion to daven at the kevorim of certain tzadikim without regard to the logistics of getting there and the potential consequences. I’ve never been a fan of the annual rush to Uman for Rosh Hashanah at a cost of thousands of NIS and indirect support for the world’s biggest anti-semitim. Does anyone really believe either Rav SBY, Z’TL or Rav Nachman, Z”TL would intercede with the Ebeshter on their behalf to a lesser degree if a yid davened with kavanah from a different location or on any other day of the year??
This happens all the time….both should have the independent judgment and maturity to make it work; certainly more so than two teenagers being pushed into a shiduch by their families. While there is no guarantee in shiduchim at any age, there are many reasons why one or both may have deferred marriage while pursuing graduate school, professional training etc.
We frequently hear that the importance of having the necessary education and skills to earn a parnassah is overstated and there are “many” successful chareidim that have achieved financial success without even having gone to college, much less earning an advanced degree. Yes, I’m sure there are natural, self-taught entrepreneurs who have made millions but I suspect that is a very small percentage of the Chareidi tzibur. Sadly, the poverty and welfare dependency statistics for many chareidi neighborhoods and communities tells a very different story. Likewise, its true we have always had full time learners, but again, as a percentage of the total, the numbers were much lower in the pre-war alte Heim and in post-War EY and the United State than they are today. While some girls may be fortunate enough to come from affluent families who have the resources to support them, in most cases, the families are already living on the economic margin and the absurdly high costs of a chassanah and then weekly checks to to support a new son-in-law who wants to shteig 24×7 puts them over the breaking point. We need to encourage more girls to get the secular education and job skills so they can be economically self-reliant and revisit the quaint notion of finding some balance where after a few years, a kollel yungerleit will work part time to help support the family while still finding many hours a day to learn as well. That has been our historic tradition and we need to move back towards economic self-reliance across all yideshe families. There is no imperative to marry in your late teens versus early 20s so you’ve had the opportunity to get at least 2 years of college with a focus on employment skills for available jobs that can be done from home (aka computer skills for tele-working).
Every society and religious group has their own “Luddites” who have spiritual and moral concerns with innovations and new technology. While many of us disagree with the decision of the Rosh Yeshiva, I doubt this policy will result in empty seats in the beis medrash since there are more bochurim seeking admission than can possibly be accommodated. Putting aside the obvious issue that those coming out of this yeshiva will lack basic skills for a parnassah,, many of the most exciting and original thoughts in the world of torah learning are only available on the internet so they are denying their students access to daas torah from the next generation of more computer friendly talmedei chachamim.
“The kallah’s family giving the chasan a dowry is an age old Jewish minhag’
The concept of a dowry is NOT uniquely a yiddeshe minhag and many traditional and tribal societies arrange for the girl’s family to initially provide some gift, whether a sum of money, a few goats and cows, or whatever the local minhag. However, once they are married, why is there any rational basis for the girl’s family to continue supporting them, if the boy is a full time learner? The girl may decide to work but the girl’s family may have other children at home to support (both boys and girls) so it makes no sense to have such a unilateral funding obligation. Again, its what people willingly agree to and such practices may be the local minhag but we should be moving towards the next generation where there are opportunities for bochurim to work part-time so as to provide at least minimal support for their families and also provide better education and job skills to girls so they can support their husbands if they don’t want to work even a few hours a week.
To Winnie: Why do you say its the minhag for the wife and/or her family tsupport a full time kollel yungerman? I would assume that he would first seek support from his own family first before asking his wife’s to support them and turn to his the machatonim only if his own parents are unable to help.
He is entitled to his opinion but he embarrasses himself by engaging in such hyperbole. Perhaps he has spent too much time watching our national leadership engage in similar name-calling. I’ve read and heard fairly strong arguments on both sides with respect to the meeting; while I think the meeting was a positive the “song and dance show” afterwards was unnecessary.i
After 27 years of marriage, statistics show a very small likelihood that counseling will resolve issues of the sort your describe. Nor do you need another Rav to advise you on the Halacha governing your fact situation since you seem reasonably well informed from the Rav you have previously consulted.. You and your wife are fortunate that you both sound rational, are not vindictive, have loving children and have the resources to move on with your lives as two separate individuals (and perhaps meet new partners). Give the get and begin the next chapter of your life. You are both “youngsters” and ‘by’h will have many healthy and satisfying years ahead of you. Much hatzlacha in whatever decision you make.
To CT Lawyer:
Last week, in one of his first formal actions after being confirmed as Secretary of Agriculture, Sonny Perdue announced he was cancelling a bunch of Obama rules governing school lunch programs and would allow foods with higher sodium, less whole grain and no longer require a Badatz hashgacha for school cafeterias. Perhaps if you wait a few weeks, the school can “bring back Bubbe” to run the lunch program.This historically has been a challenge for yiddeshe parents sending their children to yeshivos and beis Yaakov and it seems to be getting more difficult for parents today. Ultimately, yeshivos must function as a business enterprise and assure their financial viability to serve their respective “markets”. Yes, a yeshiva serves a defined segment of the frum tzibur based on their parents’ hashkafah etc. In some locations outside NYC, Lakewood and Monsey, there may be only a single Yeshiva serving that market, but even in those cases, that yeshiva must accommodate the needs of a diverse range of yidden, in some cases including conservative, MO, yeshivish, etc. and straddle the usual chassidish/Litvish boundaries. In each case, they must calibrate the “demand curve” for their product (aka chinuch in torah and whatever secular studies are required by local law) in terms of what parents can afford to pay for the “product” they will offer. They must also develop a business plan of sorts (formal or informal) to assure they can cover their expenses. This is not a “Field of Dreams” where you open the school and blindly assume the Ebeshter will cover your operating losses with a monthly check from Shamayim. There will always be some parents who may not be able to afford the School’s tuition and part of the School’s cost and expense analyssis must consider how much to allow for “scholarships” and how much “uncollectible” tuition to plan for. At some point, however, they must draw a hard line in the sand and say that without payment of tuition (or agreement to budget plan to pay overdue balances), a student can no longer be accommodated. To do otherwise, would risk the ability of the school to serve ALL students going forward. Its great to be able to bring down a vert from chazal regarding the “obligation” for yeshivos to educate the students without regard to payment of tuition, for the rabbonim to work without pay etc. but ultimately, you cannot pay your bills and keep the doors open by quoting chazal…you need for the check to clear the bank.
When you layer chumrah on chumrah, at some point you discourage those who want to comply with the spirit of tzinus, (and ultimately for many other mitzvos) from making the effort since it seems so difficult or hopeless from their initial perspective. Yes, being compliant with mitzvos was not meant to be “easy” but nor was it brought down by chazal that we should use every opportunity to make it more difficult than otherwise necessary.
For those who are mehadrim on a low-fat, low-starch, low-sodium diet, consider substituting a firm tofu for about half the meat you would ordinarily use and trim the fat from the real meat you do use. Also consider adding some whole grains and carrots for some of the beans and potatoes. Finally, there are some excellent salt substitutes that add real flavor but don’t adversely affect your blood pressure. There is NO chiyuv do use unhealthy ingredients in you chulent nor must you use meat so be creative if you want to enhance your physical well being aka “ushamartem es nafshosechem”
If one is teaching at yeshiva for boys and has not been paid or is paid a below-market salary, there is no chiuv for the rebbeim at that yeshiva to continue working without pay and forego taking another job through which they can feed their own families. That may mean a position in chinuch at another yeshiva or any other position that will provide the requisite compensation. Ifs up to the parents of the talmidim at that first yeshiva to assure that hey pay their tuition so that the teachers are paid on time or if not, to transfer their bochurim to another yeshiva. The obligation on chinuch and limud torah is on the parents; the teachers are not obligated to work without pay.
If one is teaching at yeshiva for boys and has not been paid or is paid a below-market salary, there is no chiuv for the rebbeim at that yeshiva to continue working without pay and forego taking another job through which they can feed their own families. That may mean a position in chinuch at another yeshiva or any other position that will provide the requisite compensation. Ifs up to the parents of the talmidim at that first yeshiva to assure that hey pay their tuition so that the teachers are paid on time or if not, to transfer their bochurim to another yeshiva. The obligation on chinuch is on the parents; the teachers are not obligated to work without pay.
Daas Yochid:
If the reason the rabbonim and morim in this school are striking has to do with their not being paid or that their salaries are not enough to live on, why would it make a difference if their talmidim are boys or girls?? Teachers are working to support their families and the gender of their students doesn’t change that economicreality.I learned from a rebbe who use the term “Ebeshter” (or at least it sounded like an “E” rather than a long “A”….
With few exceptions, a shadchan relies upon her/(his) time to earn a parnassah. They are professionals who should be treated in the same way you would call ahead to reschedule a meeting with your lawyer, doctor, real estate broker, etc. While most will give you a “one-time” dispensation on the theory you forgot the appointment or were unavoidably detained, you should at least apologize for the prior “no-show”. Even if they are doing the shadchanus with no charge, they are still entitled to respect for their time.