????

The braiding incorporates more air making the challah fluffier.

I help with everything but laundry. This was agreed upon before we were married.

I had to do it while in yeshiva. I have since made a Baruch Shepitarani.

Shteiger – It sounds to me as if you are violating the issur of lashon hara because you seem to have been mekabel all of these rumors as truth. Even if one hears something l’toeles from a “reliable source”, the Torah still forbids us from believing it. The only thing thing that we may do is take precaution just in case it may be true. The gemara makes this distinction clearly when discussing the story of Gedalyahu ben Achikum. It is important to make a distinction in your mind between what you may know as fact (i.e. that he ended the shidduch with your friend and that he has ended several other shidduchim as well) and what you have heard from others or have come to assume on your own (i.e. he has commitment issues and uses girls to boost his self esteem).

To take any action that would harm this individual by making it more difficult for him to get a shidduch could possibly be a terrible aveira. You are dealing with someone’s life. Please tread carefully.

You can give a real reason without insulting or bad mouthing the other party. The way to do so is to focus on yourself and not the other person by using an I statement. For example, in place of “He is too intense”, you can say “I am looking for someone a bit more easy going”. Instead of saying “She was too quiet”, say “I am looking for someone who is more talkative”. Phrasing it this way makes it clear that the other person does not have a problem and would make a fine shidduch for another person, they are simply not the one for you.

this topic again…

OK here we go.

I have one question for which I would like an answer. For all those who have such definitive and specific information about what could and should be in “the vast majority of cases”, how did you come to this information? Was it from years of experience in the field dealing with dozens or maybe even hundreds of couples and families? If so, please say so, so that what you say can be given the proper credibility. If, however, your statements are merely based on your own thoughts and/or observations of a handful of cases please write with more humility and less definitiveness (read arrogance). (e.g. “In my opinion…, It seems to me…, From the three friends that I’ve watched…, etc.) It can be very off-putting to see someone’s differing opinion stated as fact.

As far as your actual point, I think that many people have a mistaken notion of the effectiveness of therapy. Therapy will not help a person who refuses to see that he/she has a problem and is unwilling to change. From my limited experience, I beleive this to be a great deal of those who lead dysfunctional families. Therefore, to say “they should just go for therapy” is often equivalent to saying “they should just stop being self absorbed, self centered, inconsiderate, animalistic creeps who neglect and abuse their families.

Finally, I will say that I’m pretty sure that if you would spend a couple of days in the shoes of someone who grew up in such a home you might sing a different tune.

I am switching to 101 – 118.

I feel that advantage has been taken of me.

I feel that I am one of whom advantage has been taken.

The first one flows better but the second one keeps the “I” (subject) form as opposed to “me” (object) form.

Advantage will not be taken of me.

I am someone of whom advantage will not be taken.

Mothers have an innate ability to care for a baby’s physical and emotional needs in a way far superior to the that of the father.

It is my belief that a good deal of feminism has seeped into frum culture to the point where many of us begin to question the distinct roles and nature of men and women/mothers and fathers that are really quite obvious.

For the same reason that when a women gets a job it is a “second income”.

Again, I made no claim to support with evidence.

As for your evidence:

First of all, how do you know that such arrests are exceedingly rare? What facts do you have that say that the arrests are not the same percentage?

Secondly, the argument could be made that the frum community is more insular and therefore abuse is more often covered up.

Finally, are we defining rare as less common than in secular society?

I didn’t challenge him for two reasons. First of all, he explained how he arrived at his conclusion (i.e. the sign in Yeshiva). We can all, therefore, chose to give validity to this source or not. You, on the other hand made a statement of claimed fact without explaining your source. I therefore questioned how you arrived at that conclusion so I could decide weather or not I choose to give veracity to what you said.

Secondly, It is far more logical for someone to have what they believe to be evidence that the problem does exist. If someone has first hand knowledge of many cases of abuse, they might draw the conclusion that the people they know represent an average cross-section of frum society and that the problem is therefore prevalent. On the other hand, what evidence would lead a person to be certain that the problem is rare. Do they assume that they would know of every case that existed in their community?

Forget being stigmatized. As difficult as the situation is for the woman, I think that it would pretty selfish to knowingly bring a child into the world who will not have a father.

Health – Thank you for giving context to your statements. I am glad to see that we are not really in disagreement, merely referring to different circumstances.

I have a couple of friends who had some really rocky times in their respective marriages and have both considered divorce. It was clear to me that for each of them, the case was one where both they and their spouse were troubled by the state of the marriage and were ready to accept their share in the problems as well as the responsibility of changing things. I encouraged each of them to commit themselves and work to make things better. I was thrilled to watch both of them rebuild their homes stronger and healthier. I say this lest anyone think that I chas v’sholom think that divorce is a lichatchila and that the best way out of the problem is the fastest.

My point in all that I have written here is that divorce is not always the most tragic solution. There are many times when it is healthier and the right thing to do. Many women who don’t leave their situations are not doing it to make it work for the kids but rather out of cowardice. It can be very scary to face one’s family and community and admit that their marriage failed. The prospect of dealing with the finances of a home on top of everything else is daunting. I am not judging woman who lack this courage, merely pointing out the effect that it can have on their kids.

I say this not only from my own experience, but after seeing many, many kids in this situation.

To play silly games of guessing and arguing which problem is more prevalent/damaging is pointless. The only One who can no that is Hashem. Anyone else is merely speculating based on their own feelings/agenda.

I am not and have not making/made any statements to belittle the plight of children of divorced homes. I am merely pointing out that children from a married home can be no less the victim and sometimes deserve to be released from their situations.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that not everyone is a candidate for therapy. In a situation where both partners have an interest in working to make a better marriage, I doubt that many people would say that they should get divorced. However, in a situation where one party is too self centered to acknowledge that they have a problem and carries on with attitude and behavior that speaks of lack of concern for anyone else (even those whom they profess to love), that person is not a candidate for therapy (and would likely never agree to go).

“There are a lot more appropo fixes.”

Aside from therapy, could you please elaborate.

“The courts? Surely you jest.”

Would that make me “The Court Jester”?

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

I did not generalize at all. I did not say that every time that there is “discord” the kids will go “OTD”. Had I said that, it would have been quite foolish of me to not realize that I myself an example of where that was not the case (although I cannot say the same for all of my siblings).

I was quite clear to say that every case is different and that “in some cases…”

If I may go one step further, I will point out the irony of the way you criticized me for generalizing and in the next paragraph informed me of your “news” that 9 out of 10 times…

p.s. thanks for the nickname “SD”. I like it.

Shein – I wasn’t assuming anything. It is a prayer of what I, as a child, would have asked from Hashem.

Although I am still not convinced that this whole thread was ever anything more than satire, I will nevertheless lament the fact that for a significant portion of our society, torah has become confused with witchcraft. We have a torah which tells us what we may and may not believe. To believe that walking on someone’s name would cause them harm would seemingly be a violation of the issur of lo senachashu – do not be superstitious.

Tamim t’hye im Hashem elokecha

Shouldn’t the question be “What to tell your parents when you are in shidduchim?”