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I’ve heard this from numerous Rebbeim that are dealing with Bachurim in shidduchim. When you come back from the 1st date there are 2 questions that need an answer. Was there chemistry (did the conversation flow) and were you comfortable with the way the girl looks. Does anyone think differently?March 28, 2019 1:48 pm at 1:48 pm in reply to: Any kosher ideas for boys and girls to hang out together = solve shiduch crisis? #1703679
Is there any reason that a girl cant get ahold of a boys resume to do research before getting a “yes” from a boy? It doesnt make sense that a boy has to say yes first
For all those that say you dont need a filter the mishna in pirkei avos says ain apitropis l’arayos which means that if you dont set boundaries to protect yourself you are or will come to watch bad things whether you Google it yourself or it pops up on your phone. I use netspark from tag which filters very well but it slowed my phone down
Knaidlach: Idk if you ever made phone calls for research into a prospective shidduch but every girl is adorable and very smart and very pretty etc. And the same is about every boy. Lawhon hara makes it very difficult to do real research into what a person is really about and therefore the daters themselves have to really discuss those hashkafic questions in order to see if they are for each other.
Gadol: Rebbeim all tell bachurim to have small talk for the 1st few dates and slowly ease into the personal conversations and hashkafa. I’m asking for further along in the dating process and not for the 1st date
Joseph can you expound on “tznius”? Do you mean wearing shorts/skirts 4 inches past the knees?
1: I’m playing dumb because I want this thread to go up and a little so I can get a better understanding myself. Can you explain “importance of torah” and how to have a conversation?
Doesnt every person have a bashert? If everyone is marrying their bashert then it doesnt make a difference what the statistics say. Anyone who has emuna should believe that their bashert is still put out there…August 23, 2018 3:49 pm at 3:49 pm in reply to: Answering “what type of guy are you looking for” in shidduchim? #1579435
As stated above, they wanna know as many things that u care for ur husband to have. Do u want someone who is quiet or talkative, well thought out or planning on the fly etc. Use ur imagination for as many character traits that make a difference to you and that is the answer to what type you are looking for.
Rokachs in Monsey is more yeshivesh then reb Asher Weiss. As far as I know they are smart phone free. Reb Asher is makpid on everyone having a filter but smart phones are allowed
BTs are more intense about yiddishkeit then FFBs and there is no way I can think of to get them to recognize that people around them don’t act the same way. Most FFBs aren’t so shtark in everything and they pick which areas to be lenient on. A BT can’t understand such a thing because it’s all or nothing in their eyes. I’m not saying that a BT shldnt be makpid on some things for the sake of blending in but they need to understand that to be like everyone else in the community they need to BE like everyone in the community it they will feel like an outsider.
One of the hardest things to overcome is complacency. A FFB has to deal with complacency while a BT doesn’t.
The rule is that balei tshuva never fully adapt (there are exceptions) Any BT that’s looking to be an FFB is gonna be missing out on yeshiva years which is where the FFBs pick up hashkafa and all the small things about being mainstream (don’t wear white socks with dress shoes…)
To clarify easier can also mean less hard. And I’m referring to yiddishkeit. I think that it’s a very valid question. A FFB isn’t trying to cram everything in because he was brought up with it and BT is. A BT has the freshness to everything he learns and a FFB has to deal with complacency
It’s good songs so we don’t really think about what he stood for. There were also parts of his life that he was very accepted and songs from that time r more universally accepted
I myself learnt in brisk and then the mir and u might b right that most of the top guys from the good yeshivos in america go to brisk but the biggest masmidim r in the not! If u wanna be part of a yeshiva for sure don’t go to brisk. Ull end up In achva down the block and if u don’t go with a group if guys ur finished. In the mir each shiur has a core group of guys that are really serious and they’re much bigger masmidim then the briskers. Of the 300 American bachurim by reb Asher there are 200 of them that can hold there own with any bachur in brisk (although idk y were trying to make it a competition)!
All the different yeshivos have categories that they fall into. Bais is mostly out of towners. They usually come straight of high school and some of them do really well there if they stay the course. Tj is usually kids with a history or they’re on the way down and if u stay the course after 3 years ull “flip out” and go to the mir. Ohr sameach has a program for everyone although it’s a kiruv program. Keren biyavne is prob one of the top non chareidi yeshivos and they will try to get u yo make aliya. The mir as stated above has a shiur for almost anyone (although the youngest guys there r 20 and most guys 1st get to there at 21) and you also need to be sort of self motivated.
The mir is the best yeshiva!!! There is a different shiur for everyone and as long as he ends up in a dira with good guys he shld do well!
If he’s not on the level of the mir maybe one of the brisker yeshivos like reb avraham yehoshua or reb dovid (maybe reb tzvi) will be good for him.
It’s very hard to give info on yeshivos without any lashon hara. Waterbury has a lot of boys on the way down. I also know some kids there that are balei tshuva and doing really well there. What’s important to understand about Waterbury specifically is that the boys that do the best are the ones that develop a connection with the rebbeim. It’s risky if they’re not the kind that will be into rebbeim cuz there are plenty of opportunities to be pulled down. It’s also (as any yeshiva is) not a place to send your kid and just let the yeshiva do the job. You really need to stay involved with your son and his rebbeim to see how you can help your son shteig the most
Joseph do you know where it says this halacha?April 19, 2018 9:24 am at 9:24 am in reply to: Getting a ride with someone from the opposite gender #1508685
I don’t know where it says these words “al yidaber sicha im haisha – don’t talk to a lady” but the reason is cuz regular chit chat can turn worse… I would imagine that giving a girl or lady a ride can fall into the issue of al yidaber sicha im haisha. There are always storys of a boy and girl on a date that started off with regular conversations and by the time they were getting married they wernt shomer nigiya anymore and I’m sure that they didn’t think it would be an issue for them
I was a former counselor of 5th graders in a sleep away camp with more then one bedwetter. Besides for thinking about your kid think about the poor counselor that’s gonna have to deal with your kid and change his linen and mattress. Maybe speak to a doctor to take care of the bedwetting issue
I think it’s an irresponsible idea to get married to Someone without knowing “what they do”! The same way that every man will speak to a girl about what they do. Asking what you do isn’t cuz they’re trying to get your money, they just want to make sure that your a man that has the capabilities of actually being matzliach.
“The entire concept is a JOKE.
Try to “register” or “sponsor” someone for this campaign on their website and see where it takes you”
A joke is something that’s funny. If 1 person gets insulted that’s called making fun!!! Purim doesn’t mean that people don’t have feelings!
I was responding to Tlik. Getting the ywn coffee room readers to stop donating to oorah won’t bring them down. They’re sitting on MILLIONS of dollars. I responded to him that if he really wants to bring down oorah he needs to figure out a way of suing them and it gas to be original because they’ve been in many lawsuits before and they’re still scamming away!!
Refer back to Tlik above post
“This next statement is nasty, but here goes. I hope everyone else is so offended by this that we collectively lodge our revulsion, and withhold money from them until this goyish set of values stops”
Do you honestly think that you and all the coffee room readers are gonna put an end to oorah? They’re sitting on millions of dollars by our dear goyishe neighbors others who are foolishly donating their cars (and real estate) to kars4kids!! The only way to put a stop to this madness is find incriminating evidence of where these MILLIONS are disappearing to.
And I wish you good luck because no lawsuit against them ever got anywhere
I’m gonna bring another angle into this. I’m not upset at making fun of lose4autism… I understand that it’s a Purim joke. They’re making fun of what lose4autism is all about though, which is our autistic kids.
There are some lines that we just don’t cross and making fun of special needs is one of those lines!!
Schneubs and monseyima maybe we should get the ywn moderator to be the shadchan. Sounds like a match made in heaven !!!January 25, 2018 3:11 pm at 3:11 pm in reply to: What percentage of off the derech kids/teens/adults return to Yiddishkeit? #1457248
“Many times the parents feel intimidated by the Rebbe and the School and they feel if they speak out (with just cause) , It is not the bad Rebbe or Bad Menahal who will pay the price, but rather they will suffer” – this is all part of parenting and it’s when choosing a school, being able to work with the hanhala is on the top of the listJanuary 25, 2018 1:08 pm at 1:08 pm in reply to: What percentage of off the derech kids/teens/adults return to Yiddishkeit? #1456460
“Two corrections. “most of these teens need serious physiology” You meant psychology. Lok up definitions.” – It was autocorrect
“Let’s start with a personal question. How many of your rebbeim from your elementary and high school years do you still keep contact with? If any, why not the others? Keep your answer to yourself, but it will tell you something about that rebbe that remains with you. That is real chinuch.” – in theory I agree with you however classes that have 20+ kids in them in elementary school aren’t really capable of keeping up as a rebbe to be michanech on a day to day basis. As a matter of fact even if they are physically possible to it might not be recommended to be shoel aitza from 15 rebbeim even if my pre 1A rebbe knew me very well, it’s just not practical.
“Next, there is hardly a day during which a yeshiva experience involved not a single instance of a member of the hanhala embarrassing a talmid. Yes, public shaming. Some cases might have been particularly severe, others not so dramatic. But the impact on the child can be lasting and deep” – a kid that comes from a stable home and is instilled with good self confidence can take the casual rips and embarrassment that he’ll come across in day to day life. There are exceptions and every not sensitive kid has something that gets under his skin. Thinking back to my yeshiva days I don’t remember many examples of kids getting embarrassed and bent out of shape in yeshiva.
“Again, no numbers, but close to a draw between parents and chinuch. Either way, the kid is escaping.” – my point wasn’t parents and not chinuch. In most cases of a teen going of because of a bad rebbe the parents also have a part whether it’s not giving enough support or if they’re not working with the rebbe the right way etc.
PARENTS SHOULD NOT BE WAITING FOR ISSUES TO POP UP TO BEGIN SPEAKING TO THEIR CHILD’S REBBE!! all the professional mechanchim agree with this
To sum up, of all my classmates that I had that went otd, b”h all are back and all are happily married to a frum girl. They never went back to becoming a mainstream yeshiva bachur and they’re all modern and not “black hatters”. All these guys besides one went otd because of parental issues besides one that had bad friends. That’s just a minority but having spoken to them I got the impression that alot of their friends went otd because of parental issues also!January 24, 2018 3:47 pm at 3:47 pm in reply to: What percentage of off the derech kids/teens/adults return to Yiddishkeit? #1456395
“Sometimes happens, but this is a real minority. Most kids that go OTD are running nowhere, looking for somewhere they feel accepted. They are on the escape. Talk to anyone who works with these kids. Yes, the OTD culture accepts them. But why are they running away from a life we know to be so rich with spirituality, moral value, and closeness to HKB”H? The answer to this question is as individual as facial appearance. כשם שאין פרצופיהם שונות. These kids are not attracted to leave the fold. They are running from it, and the “bad friends” welcome them. Those bad friends were once in the same situation”
Completely correct!! Prob about 95% go off as an escape. What makes it difficult is that most of these teens need serious physiology to come back and not dancing by the lake to drive them further away. If anyone read the Jewish novel “the will” the story is a classic example of why teens go off!!January 24, 2018 3:32 pm at 3:32 pm in reply to: What percentage of off the derech kids/teens/adults return to Yiddishkeit? #1456376
I’m sorry of this comes across as harsh and it only most cases not all. Most otd teens went off because of their parents. Because the parents didn’t do their job to correctly get to know their child until it’s too late!
Naive parenting unfortunately is real these days and alot of us work full time and struggle to earn enough to support a family so we send the kids off to yeshiva and hope that the rebbe will do the rest. Chinuch is supposed to be a partnership between a yeshiva and parents, and if you’re not in touch with the school it’s potentially a disaster waiting to happen.
The reason more kids aren’t otd is because the teens are intelligent enough and they are part of a good social environment to circumnavigate high school (and specifically 10th grade which isn the most challenging year) even without parents doing the job that they willingly took on when they were starting their family.
I’m on the coffee room because it’s a forum. No one asked you to respond if you feel that your time is being wasted. If you’re not a fool you should refrain from posting foolish comments!
I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of oorah but I would imagine that the oorahthon is pretty good marketing and advertising. If anyone reading this is I the marketing field feel free to comment!!
Yeshivos have another income stream – it’s called tuition” if this is a real answer then I’m speaking to a fool or a troll. Use your brain to figure out the difference between tuition (where every kid is getting tuition cuts ) and kars4kids. A yeshiva never has enough money!!
If you buy a ticket for $5 with maaser money and you win $100 then you need to take off another $10 maaser. It’s the same as any other money that you make and you take off maaser again from the prizeJanuary 22, 2018 10:59 am at 10:59 am in reply to: What to do if your level of bitachon is not the same as your spouse’s? #1454385
Shopping: what you described is a classic case of doing too much hishtadlus. Is there no difference between bitachon and hishtad
I didn’t ask about oorah specifically. He said that but tickets to a Chinese auction is allowed. I’m asking on the coffee room about oorahtbon tickets
Daasyochid: I was asking hashkafa if Its the right thing to do. I was told by my rav that I am allowed to buy tickets with maaser moneyJanuary 21, 2018 2:11 pm at 2:11 pm in reply to: What to do if your level of bitachon is not the same as your spouse’s? #1453680
Is this question the same as if one spouse is chilled out and the other is more tense? For example if it’s erev sukkos and 1 spouse doesn’t know where they’re gonna go for a chol hamoed trip and is bugging out and the other says don’t worry well figure it out after shachris on chol hamoed. By bitachon one says how are we gonna get the money for…. and the other says don’t worry hashem will take care of us.
You left your question very vague so if I didn’t understand your question maybe leave am example of what your referring to.
Hatzlocha raba and may your shalom bayis work out very well even though you’re on different levels of bitachon
Kars4kids is a business that oorah has to support their moisid. If a gvir is supporting that makes it a tzedakah organization I my eyes. Obviously if they would be getting 30 million dollars a year from their gvirim like they get from kars4kids I wouldn’t consider it a tzedakah organization. I don’t mind buying tickets but can I use my maaser money?
I wasn’t asking this as a halacha shaila. I simply want to know if i should get over this issue that I have of giving maaser money to oorah for the oorahthon because they have ALOT of money from kars4kids?
I know that it’s muttar to buy Chinese auction tickets with maaser. I also know that oorah is a tzedakah organization. I just don’t feel comfotable giving my maaser money to an organization that has other means of supporting itself. I don’t have a problem with giving money to oorah though.
The caption is misleading, sorry.
Iac: you missed my point. Once you teach the trup why are you “teaching” and only 4 or 5 pesukim per week. I don’t pretend to be a teacher, it happens to be that I’ve taught a few kids full parshiyos with haftorah, but when I was taught the 1st week was dikduk the 2nd week was the trup until I actually understood that the symbols symbolize a time. And the 3rd week we put it all together and we learnt a full aliyah. My parsha is shoftim which is a small parsha and I knew the basics of leining before so I’m not expecting everyone to be this quick, but it took me 7 weeks for the parsha and my teacher told me to listen closely to the bal koreh in shul for the haftorah trup so it took me another 2 weeks to master. The whole thing was 3 months. If your “teaching 3 or 4 pesukim a week” it has to be that your not doing a good job teaching. The best way to learn is for the kid to figure out the leining on his own. I used to come to my lessons every sunday having mastered the next aliyah and my teacher used to go it over with me and point put little mistakes.
To sum up what I’m pointing out: if he is not preparing by himself he’s a parrot and if he ever wants to lein again he’s gonna have to do the work (which your being paid to teach) on his own. I’m also proud to say that the half dozen kids that I’ve taught have all leined again shortly after without my help learning a new parsha because they already new how to lein!January 17, 2018 1:11 pm at 1:11 pm in reply to: What percentage of off the derech kids/teens/adults return to Yiddishkeit? #1451566
Most teens at risk are not adopting a secular life style. They are partying and having a “good” time. In 9 out of 10 cases a teen will go off because it is their way of dealing with their issues and when they mature or get tired of their partying they come back. By kicking them out and not tolerating them you can close the door to then returning. Of course if it is affecting other family members (or in general) consult with a professional.
1 thing to remember is that if he/she was a yeshiva bachur/bais yaakov girl before the chances they will go right back to the way they were before they went otd is very slim.
The key is accept them, support them and if your a parent of such a child it doesn’t mean that your a bad person but you never know what you might’ve don’t to cause thjs
For all the families with multiple boys laining lessons isn’t so difficult to teach. If the father can’t teach the boy and he wants to lain tell him yo pay attention in shul during krias hatorah and he’ll pick it up himself. If that doesn’t work invest in lessons for the oldest boy and then he can teach his younger brothers. I taught younger siblings and a lot of my friends were taught by older brothers.
It also doesn’t take more then 4-6 months by a competent teacher. Any teacher and a student with a decent work ethic. Any longer you need to question how good the teacher is and if your son really wants to lain…
Takes2 that’s a big shaila in halacha if you’re supposed to answer about smoking. This specific example of “quiet and reserved” is not something you can lie about. There are some people that are quiet a d some that are the life of the party
David111 do you mean to say get rid of the whole research thing and let everyone figure out after the 1st date if it makes sense?? Most guys that I know am I’m sure the girls would feel the same don’t wanna go out unless the shidduch has potential!
All bashing aside it’s saving a lot of time by making sure that the references are able to accurately describe the boy/girl that is being researched!! The research is very important and it’s been trending downwards
Lesschumras; u better believe lashon hara applies by shidduchim. The chafetz chaim has a big part of his sefer about shidduchim
Joseph; he was told by her friends that she is a quiet and reserved girl. She was completely the opposite