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  • in reply to: home schooling in NYC #1087168

    thanks for that number

    Hopefully they can help me

    Meanwhile akuperma it is interesting that you point that out.

    I dont think there is a posek/poskim who runs the school which is why it is becoming corrupt as the board has all the power BECAUSE OF THE MONEY THEY HAVE!! this school just fired the principal three years ago because he went against the board even though he established a great yeshiva with midos….and now this new principal is more of a puppet

    so I highly doubt that they ask a posek decisions about who to keep and accept in their school especially since the principal quotes all these great mechanchim whenever he wants to support his ideas!! (of course i dont believe that mechanech would condone him kicking my children out but the principal chooses what he wants to follow- CORRUPTION AT ITS FINEST!!)

    in reply to: home schooling in NYC #1087165

    to the person who posted that we should not be forced into it. Well, what would our rabbi have power to do? If the principal does not want my children in the school, he could even make up lies to another school about my children.

    One of the issues involved is that the child of the board-member bullied my child. So, the situation is complex. I called the other school in my neighborhood but principal wants to speak to the old principal and what if they are playing “phone tag”? As of now, they SURELY DO NOT HAVE ROOM FOR MY YOUNGER CHILD and wont even return my call to set up an interview.

    Hashem is in charge but meanwhile it is an outrage that this is a very frum school I am talking about but if they are full they are full!!

    Hashem will hold the principal accountable for doing this to Jewish children because as I said above my children did not do anything wrong for this to happen.

    in reply to: home schooling in NYC #1087162

    so to answer my children are in elem. school

    and thank you to all who replied.

    However, i am not sure some of you understand that since obviously the principal will be held accountable by Hashem for kicking jewish kids out of yeshiva for no reason, at the same time he did it now. What school will accept kids now, end of june? none because schools are full by dec-feb. already where i live \

    so if it is a choice of them going to public school or being homeschooled with not such good hebrew studies then obviously it is better for them to avoid public school and be homeschooled, the parent homeschooling has a teaching license so that is not the issue

    in reply to: who watches your children on days off from yeshiva? #1034111

    I appreciate everyone who took time to comment. However, I did not get any real advice from people who have this situation.

    Obviously, I would think of getting a babysitter even if it is an added expense. HOWEVER, MOST BABYSITTERS HAVE FULL TIME POSITIONS and ARE NOT AVAILABLE FOR ONLY THE DAYS MY CHILDREN ARE OFF FROM SCHOOL.

    in reply to: Some children/teens will not be accepted to a school next year. #1020906

    I have a close relative with a 4 year old that the school was thinking of forcing the child to repeat KINDERGARTEN such that this child can’t attend that school (the school only started with PRE1A)!

    However, the school only notified the parent in June when Kindergartens were already full.

    The child knew her abcs, colors, numbers, …. but was not “perfect” in everything, so the school wanted to reject her!!

    What could a 4 year old do to be rejected? at 4 years old?

    in reply to: Place to get affordable, tzniusdik clothes for young girl #1055981

    thanks for the info.

    to kollel_wife i know of goyish stores that I could get things to use as jumpers….

    I started this thread for specifically tznius things such as a tznius long sleeve shirt to wear under a jumper or “sun dress” (and not the tight fitted shells others wear). but thanks anyway.

    the suggestion to get shabbos dresses online at ebay is something I could try as shabbos clothes would be more expensive than weekday

    Torah613Torah thanks for the info. would you be able to tell me what ave? did you mean 13th ave?

    And to others who have made suggestions, I appreciate you taking the time but I do not see a point in spending more money on better “quality” things as baruch hashem young children grow and change sizes quickly such that it is not even a worthwhile investment in my mind.

    If you were able to pass it on to other girls in your family, kol hakovod but usually even young girls today (or is it their mothers)have a specific style color… they prefer

    in reply to: Place to get affordable, tzniusdik clothes for young girl #1055975

    thanks to all the posts, I think Elzee’s seems a little out of my price range, however, I should clarify two things:

    1) I live in NYC, not near Lakewood

    2) I am asking for tznius clothing.

    Some people suggested about getting something different for the sleeves ETC.

    I know almost all frum women walk around with a “non tzinius” top paired with long sleeved shirts under, however, if I were to do that, I could buy anything from goyish stores.

    I am asking for info. assuming I am buying a tznius shirt skirts…. as I think that wearing those tight fitted shirts to cover your arms underneath is very uncomfortable and hot.

    I will check out basic colors as that seems to be “equivalent” to “the man with the truck” for girls.

    in reply to: Wendy Runge has been released! #971560

    eclipse, I agree with you. I was also accused of absurd things that are UNTRUE such that I understand that people in power=in this case the officials in the courts… can twist things TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE INNOCENT PEOPLE are guilty.

    Basically, these people in power as well as the media have so much control that they can make anyone look as if they did horrible things that are many times untrue!!

    only people who themselves were accused can understand how the “people in power” use that same power to make up lies about innocent victims because… and therefore, I and you know to be more wary of these type of stories accusing …

    so everyone don’t believe it, especially guilty pleas which are forced upon others to get a shorter sentence or….

    in reply to: Can a lady be too tznius? #1020188

    QUESTION TO ALL WOMEN WHO AGREE SHABBOS ROBES ARE NOT TZINIUS AND SHOULD BE WORN AS NIGHTGOWNS, well what about weddings, why is it okay for women to wear gowns that usually are very fitted as gowns are made to be in addition to standing out based on the “royal” wear compared to other wedding relatives and guests.

    I think if you consider shabbos robes to be nightgowns, wouldn’t most wedding gowns be considered untzinius too?

    I know of someone who was very particular about tznius and she specifically wore a fancier suit due to the gowns being too fitted by nature of most gowns!!

    in reply to: Dental Care Advice #968135

    thanks to all for the info, it is so interesting that you say silver fillings last longer as my dentist claims the white fillings last longer. However, in terms of white fillings being for cosmetic reasons, well, my dentist does care about how it looks. However, I am interested in getting what is best for my teeth. I do not care if it is silver as I can’t afford to pay so much for “cosmetic fillings”.

    I am still confused because my dentist did tell me that white lasts longer. However, my fillings did come out probably as someone above stated “from biting too hard”. But, my dentist does keep my mouth very very dry when putting in the white fillings as tro11 said it must be dry.

    If I decide to go along with silver fillings, I must find a new dentist because my dentist will not put in silver fillings.

    Thanks all for the advice and info.

    in reply to: Diabetes Support Group #981232

    question to anyone who experienced this problem. I took the test for diabetes and my PCP said it came up negative for diabetes baruch hashem. BUT my dad and his dad have diabetes so the genes run in my family and i think i have insulin resistance which basically gives me the “highs” and “lows” of sugar.

    While no doctor agrees with me because based on some infrequent blood tests that can’t capture what is really going on inside one’s body, the doctors are reluctant to medically diagnose me

    the problem i have had and have is at times i will feel very faint and dizzy such that i could not stand and then when i take sugar such as choc. syrup.. within a few minutes i feel better

    i have been on metformin for a few years such that my episodes of “low sugar” increased but other insulin resistance effects such as metabolism increased = weight loss… improved

    i try to eat a healthy diet consisting of high protein low carb.. but the problem is that if i eat mostly protein and no/low carb then i get a headache and get weak b.c i have no energy so then i am forced to eat carbs which is not good for my insulin resistance problem so it is a “catch 22”

    i wanted to know if anyone experienced/es this and can relate what….

    in reply to: Chase Bank #954317

    YES! YES! YES! Gefen, this also happened to me recently with my CHASE account and I was going to ask the same thing but you took care of it.

    I think someone hacked into their system or put a reader on the ATMs to read the cards and a video to watch for the pins.

    They did give me a credit of the money and are still investigating, but I was also thinking that it is just CHASE! Yes, this could happen to any bank but I never had a problem with other banks so…

    in reply to: help with moving information getting out of a lease… #913346

    more 2, please explain to me how the law is on my side. While I did not speak to a lawyer yet, I read that the lease is just as binding as a mortgage/closing…..and other contracts.

    In addition, I do not understand how the law is on the tenants’ side. In my experience so far, I complained to the NYC officials about another condition and all they keep saying is that I need to keep giving him access. However, in reality, he has hired many companies and it is something that they can’t fix. Yet, they keep saying we will keep giving the owner an opport. to repair. I tried explaining how this condition has been in the apt. for many years and there are 311 violations, yet they still keep listening to the lies of the owner claiming I do not give access!

    If you know of the exact laws stating that I could break my lease, please let me know.

    meanwhile, if anyone knows information of low priced movers/boxes.. in the NYC area, please let me know.

    in reply to: My Mother in Law's complaints #901416

    Exactly, if you are saying everyone is making a big deal of nothing, it could be because you do not have a controlling mother-in-law or are one yourself! However, “ybrooklynteacher” understands exactly what this is about, dealing with a controlling mother in law.

    My MIL did offer to buy a house for me to live in, but it was right next door to her house! She did NOT offer to buy me a house where I would like to live! This is all about MILs realizing that after all, we are the parents (they had their chance)! In addition, it is sad that yom tov or any other get-together has to be a “trying” time. We all want to have peace of mind and would love to have a great time at our in-laws without having to constantly be rebuked etc.

    At the end of the day, it just makes more sense to stay home in order to avoid all the negativity and “machlokes”!

    in reply to: My Mother in Law's complaints #901356

    mrs. Katz, you are not alone- everytime I spend time with my MIL, it is a “trying” time, and I live around the corner (I know, bad choice on my part but…)

    yes, I agree it is a test to see how we will react but since MILs are not in the same stage of life as we are, they forget how it is to be told how to raise OUR children

    my MIL also tells me not to discipline in her house and then if they do something, I am responsible

    overall, it is too stressful for me to deal with so our rav said we must keep a distance and only go over certain times

    so avhaben, you are wrong; the husband does not have to listen to his mother’s demands over his wife’s why? b/c you are not thinking about the DIL’s feelings- we try to get along and be respectful but those MILs do not respect our rights to make those decisions, our rav did take my feelings and stress into account but you are a man and are not thinking about womens’ feelings etc. especially when most of the time the DILs are doing the “child raising/cleaning after children… “in the MILs house while the husbands

    may us DILs have strength to be calm and respectful when dealing with the MIL nisayon

    in reply to: ACS #894216

    How many cases do you know of personally where ACS put each member in a caring and frum home? As far as my experiences, ACS puts children into homes and people put on “shows” when the ACS worker comes to “check on that foster child”.

    ACS workers are regular people who work because they have to! Many times the children are put into homes where they are abused too!

    How would you like it if someone says that the way you discipline your children is abusive? How would you feel if someone threatened to take your children away?

    You might say you are not abusing your children but guess what? ACS will act on any call, and they do not make a difference between regular discipline and actual abuse because they do not have enough manpower to really investigate… and because they do not have enough workers that really care!

    Obviously if you decide to ask a rav or not is your decision, we are required to let a rav decide if we should call only because he could use siyata dishmaya to determine if calling could have WORSE EFFECTS THAN NOT CALLING! as it says “asay lecha rav”!

    in reply to: Tznius in brooklyn #1087421

    so bustercrown, how much is a tefach, around how many inches?

    in reply to: Tznius in brooklyn #1087412

    someone mentioned about the snoods ..etc. not covering all the hair, well, that depends on your rav. I know people who tell me they will not let one hair show while when I asked a sheila the rav did not tell me it is assur so…

    Meanwhile what I am shocked at is the chasana scene. It is expected for certain members to wear gowns. Yet, the majority of gowns worn are very fitted=untzniut, and sometimes in loud colors too!

    Someone said about people buying too small a size. Yes, I agree, and the same goes with gowns for weddings. There are only a select few weddings where I could remember that one sibiling did not wear a gown but a more loose fitting “fancy” outfit because she was more machmir on tznius!

    in reply to: When your spouse gets "OUTED" #889025

    Bustercrown, I really feel for you. I understand what you are saying. Basically, there really is not much you could do because according to your husband there really is no problem. Therefore, no matter what anyone here says about him seeing a therapist… is useless since your husband will not agree. I assume you are probably feeling bad. You are probably feeling like this is not what you expected from your marriage as usually one spouse would like to know that the other would listen to his/her concerns and at least be able to have a conversation about it even if the spouses disagree!

    In your case, your husband won’t even listen to you. By him saying there is nothing wrong; if you think there is a problem, go to “wives’ of addictive husband supports”, you are probably feeling emotionally alone. Especially if he is always on the device, internet.. all the time-even simchas, he is surely not giving you the proper emotional support.

    I am sorry that you are going through this, and I would like to tell you that realistically this could go on for a long time as the first step is that your husband needs to admit there is a problem otherwise he probably will not let you put a filter or.. on this device. So, get all the emotional support for yourself because this seems like a problem that could last for long.

    I am sorry that you are going through this.

    in reply to: When your spouse gets "OUTED" #888938

    Bustercrown, forget about him for a moment-How will you deal with this? You might eventually get fed up because you are keeping a deep dark secret which is that you KNOW what he is doing.

    The fact that in a marriage both he and you are keeping secrets from each other already affects a marriage for the negative, why? one of the foundations of a marriage is trust=he already broke it because of his addiction.

    But, you will become angrier with him each time he lies about what he is doing.

    The rav probably did not understand the entire situation maybe you did not tell him how it made you disrespect him in your heart….

    But,a big part of marriage is helping each other through the challenges of life-this is a challenge and he fell -he needs to know that you WILL HELP HIM THROUGH THIS and let him know that he broke your trust which is a foundation of marriage

    tell him you are shocked that he lied but understand why but now he must work on being honest with you and if he falls, he must feel comfortable telling you and that you will support him-people fall and get up, fall and get up….

    Otherwise, if he continues this without knowing you know,you might just get so “eaten up” by his lying, behavior, and disrespect him, get angrier… and want out eventually. What about YOU, YOUR EMOTIONS, IS IT GOOD TO BOTTLE THEM UP? HOW WILL IT AFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE?

    It is hard for me to put all that I want to say into words, so I hope you understand this.

    in reply to: Mothers in the CR #885716

    right on, miritchka,

    I am in the same situation as you

    with the first child, it does come off with hard work.

    However, with more children, it is harder to lose the flab which makes someone look much heavier.

    MorachRach, you should not compare yourself to other women with

    many children who look like they have lost more flab/weight than

    you. Why? because your body is not the same as the others’. woman’s.

    Also, women have different sized babies; a bigger baby means more “weight gain” so it might be harder for you to lose than another woman who had a smaller baby. In addition, some taller women might have the flab but can hide it better or use some other method for hiding. Lastly, some women have metabolic disorders which means no matter how much exercise or healthy dieting those women do, their body will hardly lose weight compared to women with proper working metabolisms.

    All in all, my, our.. children ARE WORTH IT, just think

    of all the people who are going through infertility!

    Morahrach, I am glad you started this post as most women don’t

    like to talk about this issue.

    I would like to hear from others who have a few children and

    have trouble getting rid of the flab, getting back to “pre-baby#1” weight!

    in reply to: I'm very stressed #1195232

    Damoshe, imagine if I told you that in 5 years from now, all your loans would be paid off and that this year, you would have enough money to be able to pay a lower tuition that the school would allow?

    Would you then still feel so stressed? Probably not as much, (although there are also other pressures like too much to do in too little time).

    Obviously, I can’t tell you the above, only Hashem could, but isn’t that what BITACHON IS? to TRUST IN HIM! to feel SECURE that all will be okay and work out!

    I am not preaching. I am trying to explain to you what I believe

    is part of the challenge in life. It is HARD to have Bitachon. It is a daily test to not think about and not worry about tom. but do our hishtadlus and let Hashem take care of it.

    You are not the only one with this problem. There are lots of Jewish head of households worrying about how they will be able to pay their tuition, their rent, for food…

    You have a lot on your shoulders ALONG WITH THE STRESS OF MONEY, and it too much to bear. But, you could do it along with others who are struggling just like you.

    While we live paycheck to paycheck, and I do not have loans to pay off, I also do not own a home… In addition, for personal reasons, 95% of household responsibilities, cleaning, schoolwork, cooking.. as well as working full time, falls on my shoulders.

    I also have a boss that just adds to the pressure which makes me nervous that I will lose my job. I also get no support from parents or sibilings just more pressure and “things that I must do for them”.

    I also have to get up at around 5 am and do not get to sleep until very late. I hardly have time to take care of myself and just recently had to try to squeeze in time to go to the doctor because of an emergency medical condition that developed inside me. It got worse because I could not get off work right away (otherwise I am in danger of losing my job) and had to push off going to the doctor.

    The only way I can get through life and try not to be stressed is to work on my Bitachon. I try to not think about my future like How will I be able to pay my bills? How will I be able to continue like this? What if I get sick and have to take off from work, I could lose my job as they are very strict!? etc.

    It is not easy to do, but I believe this is the only way. I do not believe that any therapist can take away your stress unless they go through exercises that try to train you to not worry but to rely and trust that Hashem will take care of the rest (after you do hishtadlus).

    Again, I am not lecturing you or giving you mussar; I am just sharing with you what I believe is the only way to deal with the stresses of life. I believe that everyone has challenges that stress them, although most people do not divulge what is really going on in their lives.

    Please let me know what you think.

    in reply to: How do you stop family feuds???!! #871000

    Anyone, please comment on what you think regarding the post because I would like to hear different viewpoints to be more understanding of each other.

    in reply to: How do you stop family feuds???!! #870999

    rubberbands, do you realize that you are acting exactly like what you are accusing your uncle of? How?

    WELL, many family feuds are because each family/person is brought up differently and have different personalities, needs… so that causes each person to have a different idea of what is expected.

    For example, if one aunt works and the other does not, the one who works might not want to shlep out to evening events while the stay at home aunt might be chalishing to get out and might be insulted if the working aunt constantly says she can’t go out with her.

    Basically, rubberbands, you are judging him saying why cant he just “get over the issue” and have “what to do with your family”.

    Realize that whatever the issue is, your uncle feels strongly about it and it is important to HIM. You cant want to have a good relationship with him, and then still judge him harshly because you must make what is important to him, important to you. This is what relationships are all about.

    Obviously, for a reason you do not know (so you cant understand), your uncle decided it is better to not have any contact. It is a smart thing to do because if for whatever reason, there is a feud, then there will just be more negativity and aveiros… when there is still contact.

    I agree with cherrybim, but I must add that if they were hurt, you are being insensitive to their pain by just expecting them to “get over it”.

    I am talking from experience because I know of a family who spent hours on the phone with their inlaws trying to make peace, but one feuding relative kept saying (by not admitting to herself) “I did not do anything wrong” “everything is fine; i am not upset” So, the second feuding relative said “If you are not upset fine, but I am upset, so I want to discuss the issues to try to have a positive relationship”. However, the feuding relative kept saying that the second relative had no right to be upset and said that the issue was “all in your head”… These type of comments just prove the insensitivity of the first relative. This is one of the things that pained the second relative. The first relative did not

    acknowledge the things that were important to the second relative.

    Obviously, the feud is deeper than the above as it would take pages to explain the details.

    My point is that rubberbands, YOU MUST STOP JUDGING your family member for avoiding contact because then, you are being insensitive. How? you are not trying to see the situation from his perspective and therefore you are being insensitive to his pain which is the OPPOSITE OF FAMILY.

    A family member should be supportive of whatever it is the other members sensitivities priorities…. are

    in reply to: Stay at home moms #870897

    oomis115, obviously that comment was to imply she and her sibs work outside the home BUT ALL WOMEN WHO WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME

    ALSO MUST COMPLETE THE DUTIES OF A STAY AT HOME MOM-they watch their children when they get home, clean, do laundry, do shopping, cook,…etc. if anything, women who work outside their homes are taking on more roles than their main role as a mom and wife while still required to complete their “mom” and “wife” tasks which is what some women find challenging

    in reply to: Stay at home moms #870893

    morahrach, curious why you would want to know.

    actually, my wife works but would love to stay at home and care for our kids except other half is out of a job (but we are grateful at least she has a job)

    my is stay at home mom and she commented how bored she is and that many of her friends also were stay at home moms, got bored so they put their kids in daycare and got jobs-when my wife heard that she was thinking bored? she would love to stay home! (of course, we did not comment on the relative’s feelings)

    in reply to: Does Roach Rabbi or Riddex work? #994408

    Right Path, if that is the roach rabbi, where can I get his picture and how do you know he is the roach rabbi?

    in reply to: tuition and home buying #869118

    CHERRYBIM, you have answered my ques, but i do not agree or at least back yourself with chazal

    how do you know hashem wants us to have a big house?

    maybe He wants us to live in a small apartment which is small -(not as comfortable but still possible) have chicken for shabboss etc… and pay as much tuition as possible?

    in reply to: tuition and home buying #869107

    just to clarify i am not against kollel b/c everything is from hashem but again it is confusing about how to think about it all b.c i cant help to wonder how ppl are paying for things not tuition yet others are paying tuition and not for those things???

    in reply to: tuition and home buying #869106

    fed ben fed, i agree with you

    many people are leasing expensive cars, buying more expensive food, and supporting their kollel children,….instead of paying more tuition

    betsalel, the schools do rely on the higher tuition paid by some families for the rest only paying a little

    yes everything is from hashem but who said ppl have the right to spend on all the things they are spending on (ex. buying a house )

    instead of paying tuition

    recently some schools closed why? 95% of the families of the children in the school have many children and the fathers are/were in kollel or just went to work making small salaries which meant that hardly anyone was paying tuition

    ex. I can’t afford to go to the Jewish stores and buy clothing there because they are double or triple the price.. but if I pay less tuition, I could shop there…. yet there are people on food stamps and then are buying in these stores

    I want to go to a rav who is understanding about this and ask him what can i spend my money on even if it means paying less tuition

    I work on my bitachon/hashkafah but this issue of what are we allowed to pay for instead of paying tuition is hard to really understand b.c we could say

    hashem gave us money to pay tuition or hashem gave us money to buy a good food/provide for our children and whatever little is left, we will pay tuition???

    AND YES I DO AGREE THE PARENTS SHOULD BE INVOLVED OR AT LEAST PRIVY TO THE SCHOOL’S BUDGET AS some schools also raise money by dinners … and then are so strict as to who they would accept but if they are being helped by tzedakah they should be servicing the ocmmunity= i know of a school backed by millionaire but still look with a “bad eye”if you ask for a scholarship??

    in reply to: Does Roach Rabbi or Riddex work? #994401

    thanks for the advice, all those things like combat and… are things that I am aware of and might work, but for me they did not work for complete removal.

    Therefore, I figured I would try the things that I never tried yet which is the plug ins and roach rabbi. (I just bought 2 “Victor” plug ins to try out.)

    “happiest” thanks for the advice, but I tried to google the roach rabbi and nothing came up, DO YOU KNOW THE EXACT WEBSITE/ADDRESS TO GO IN ORDER TO PRINT OUT THE PICTURE of the ROACH rabbi?

    Also, “bar bay rav” and “zahavasdad” notice that you both quoted different rabonim?? I assumed that the mice rabbi is one specific rabbi.

    In addition, thanks for the advice of the mice rabbi, but someone told me there is a SEPARATE RABBI FOR ROACHES.

    Those of u who told me to use the mice rabbi, do you know from experience that the mice rabbi works for the roaches too?

    in reply to: Whats "fashion" #865021

    Interesting point,I agree with you; “you hit the hammer on the nail”.

    The real problem with being so “into” fashion is that so many women get too “into” it in the sense that it takes over their lives, how? They forget to treat other women who might not dress how THEY CONSIDER “GOOD” with proper middos and then they do things like “looking people up and down”.

    Many women end up letting the fashion take over their lives that gasmius becomes more of a priority for them than ruchnius in that they are focusing on how other women are dressing… and then forget that everyone has feelings and wants to feel comfortable which is not what happens when women are “looked up and down”.

    devrachel, you seem to like to dress well and that is fine, but the concern is when women who like to dress fashionably, “look down” at other women who are not dressing as fashionably.

    You said you like to dress to look “good”. Well, what is good to one woman is different to another. Many times I have met woman who only talk about what they will wear and how __ is coming “in style”; I feel that those women are so shallow because they act like that is their only concern while I want to spend more time focusing on life’s challenges and how to grow in our faith towards hashem with our challenges.

    Unfortunately, there is not as much pressure in “dressing fashionably” by the goyim that I work with. Yes, you could look good by finding good deals but buying clothes is still expensive. I just do not understand how many families who say they can’t pay tuition are then spending a lot of money on clothes for the “woman of the house” just so that she could wear the “latest style” in other words be dressed “fashionably”.

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis during a Womans Pregnancy #865195

    Oh, and of course, your wife may be very moody; the hormones of a woman during pregnancy are known to make women more moody and more sensitive=cry more.

    in reply to: Shalom Bayis during a Womans Pregnancy #865194

    Of course, you are probably not putting yourself in her situation.

    Think of yourself in her situation.

    Try walking around with a bowling ball in your stomach; it will slow you down, make you extra tired, and make your chores much harder to accomplish.

    Imagine someone taking your skin and stretching it and stretching it; it is painful. Now imagine you feel too nauseous to eat but too weak if you don’t eat, what do you do?

    This is just some of what your wife is experiencing. This is the time for you to be extra sensitive. She is carrying your child for you.

    You might be feeling down because maybe she is not focusing as much on you but get used to it, soon your lives will revolve around a child. Then, she will need even more help from you.

    This is the time to prove to her that you will be understanding of her pain and exhaustion…and that you will help her in whatever way possible. When times get tough, you must try harder to stand by your wife by helping her with whatever she needs.

    Think of it as if you were not feeling well, would you want her to be upset that you could not do all the things you usually do? No, you would want her to be sensitive to your feelings. You would want her to sympathize and say “I know you are not feeling well, so tell me how I could help you!” Treat her the same way.

    in reply to: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships #862310

    okay oomis1105, I do agree with your latest post, at this point, the dil should ideally try to at least call her mil weekly to make her happy

    only the future will “tell if the mil will be happy with “only weekly phone calls”

    at the same time, if for some reason, the dil does not agree to call her mil (which is the right thing to do), then I still believe that the son has to defend/support his wife in this issue otherwise the wife will feel he is “married” to his mother and she would feel that she would not be able to rely on her husband for emotional support which is not healthy for a marriage.

    what do you think about this?

    in reply to: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships #862305

    oomis1105, you are not trying to understand from a different point of view.

    You are talking from your experience where your mil loved and appreciated your call which made YOU FEEL SPECIAL TOO, but this seems to be a more serious issue because if the mil is comparing to her other dils, she will probably not be happy with “only a weekly call” because it seems she has some expectations.

    I am talking from experience because I used to call my mil every week but she was not happy if I did not do _ AND _ AND_…

    Yes,ideally the dil should make the mil happy and “just call”. However, this man’s mother MUST also change her outlook for this relationship to work because she is not looking at what the dil DOES but the mil is focusing on what the DIL DOES NOT DO!

    In my experience, I call my mil’s mother=my husband’s grandmother every week. She loves for me to call her and is happy with anything I do because she understands that I work hard, have little children, so I can’t shlep all the time. While my mil is not happy with anything I do for her because she expects me to do everything. So too, in this case, the man’s mother must change her outlook otherwise she is setting herself up for disaster. Notice how she is putting her son in between her and his wife, which is essentially not recognizing his marriage.

    in reply to: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships #862300

    I made a mistake with the last sentence.

    it should say:

    “because she always thinks of what SHE would want in the situation and DID NOT think of MY NEEDS!”

    in reply to: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships #862297

    Then, speak to your wife. Do not tell her what your mother said. You should tell your wife that you love her and want to know her views on a mil dil relationship because you want her to have a good relationship with your mother.

    Ask her if she feels comfortable talking to your mother. Depending on what she answers, you would tell your wife,”I think it will make my mother very happy if you could call her around once a week. Is that something you would feel comfortable doing?”

    You must resolve to accept anything your wife says. Therefore, if your wife says she can’t do that then you must accept that she has good reasons and still support your wife even if you disagree with her.

    Remember that your duty is to support your wife first. I know marriages that were ruined because of the in laws.

    This issue might never be resolved. Why? because it could be that even if your wife calls your mother every week, your mother might feel that your wife is not really opening up to her. If your mother is always comparing her dils with your wife, this seems that this will be a life long conflict and realize that this is common, unfortunatly, why?

    because it is all about expectations, boundaries, and priorities:

    In this situation, your mother thinks it is very IMPORTANT for her dils to call her weekly. Your wife thinks it is NOT IMPORTANT for her to call her mil.

    Your mother expects things from your wife that were never communicated to your wife.

    Remember you picked your wife and your wife chose you, but your mother and wife did not choose each other!

    Therefore, your mother needs to take a step back and realize that she is very lucky she is close with her other dils, but if your wife is different, she must just appreciate the times that your wife DOES come over and apprectiate your wife for making you happy.

    Your mother must accept your wife for who she is. So far, it seems your mother wants a close mother-daughter relationship with your wife, but she does not realize that she is acting the opposite of a mother to a daughter, why? because many parents might be insulted but ultimately realizes that they just want their daughters to be happy and do not want to make trouble in their daughter’s marriage.

    If your mother wants to have a mother-daughter relationship with your wife, she must show the utmost care and concern for who your wife is and not just put demands on your wife because that is like a boss telling your wife what to do; your wife does not need another boss!

    In my view, family is to respect each other and tolerate/accept each others’ differences/choices/decisions/actions etc. even if they disagree. That they must love each other regardless of differences which means to show the highest level of concern and care based on each persons’ needs and desires.

    In your case, you could tell your mother that it is expected that she will accept your daughter for what she does do and not “look down” at her (or be insulted) for what she does not do.

    I am interested in hearing what you have to say regarding my posts; I thought lond and hard about this issue because I am dealing with a mil who is a very caring person but does not show care and concern to ME because she always thinks of what SHE would want in the situation and did think of my needs!

    in reply to: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships #862295

    What could you do to fix this up:

    (note that since you did not give a lot of details,this will have some variation)

    Speak to your mother when your wife is not there and say:

    ma, I love you very much, but I am sure you want me to be happily married. Do you? she will say yes.

    Do you agree that to be a good husband, I must defend, support (emotionally), and be loyal to my wife at all times? Do you agree that if someone disagrees with my wife, I should stick up for her and defend her needs and feelings over others’? she will probably say yes

    Okay, so we both agree, so I feel that when you are insulted that my wife does not call you or… please just think about the fact that you are expecting from me to side with you, but you just said that you want me to have a good marriage and be loyal to my wife. However, you are not putting that into practice because I love my wife and love you, but you are putting me in between you and my wife.

    Please accept my wife how she is. She DOES COME FOR SHABBOS. Are you happy she comes? she will say yes. So, just focus on the positive things my wife does, and it is not fair to my wife to compare her to her other dils; my wife is different.

    Ma, I love you, but I am begging you that at least for Me, your son, try not to be insulted so that I am not put in the middle.

    in reply to: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships #862294

    First of all, please know that it common for mil and dil to have issues.

    The reason for this is because the mil and dil are in very different stages of life.

    The dil many times already has her friends, sibilings, mom… who she is close with and might not feel comfortable confiding in her mil who she might feel is very different from her.

    The mils forget how it was for them when they got married so they are expecting things from their dils that they did not want their mils to expect from them.

    The mils forget that to make a marriage work it takes a lot of hard work. They must give the dil privacy and space to enable their dils to focus on their husbands to build a good marriage.

    Your wife is working ??(you did not give a lot of details) and also must adjust to the additional responsibilities bestowed on her when she got married. She probably just needs to focus on her relationship with you=her marriage and can’t take the effort to focus on her relationship with your mother also.

    Why? because already by your post, I could tell that your mother is NOT showing the utmost care and concern for your wife (and she does not realize it (please dont think I am bashing your mother-I am just trying to explain from another point of view )). I could tell that your mother has expectations from your wife that might be unrealistic.

    You mentioned you go to your parents for shabbos. So, your mother should feel good about that. She should focus on what your wife IS doing and not on what your wife is NOT doing.I know a dil who rarely goes to her mil for shabbos but always goes to her mother because she feels uncomfortable at her mils.

    Another thing I noticed is that your mother is comparing your wife to her other dils. This is a big error. A good parent does not say “well, yoni is great in school and behaves well, but shoshana misbehaves, so I am insulted that shoshana misbehaves!” No, a good parent realizes that every child is different and ultimately shows care and concern for each child’s needs”

    Your mother is a lovely person, and it is beautiful that she wants to have a close relationship with your wife. However, she must accept your wife for who she is and what she wants. She should never compare your wife with the other dils. I am assuming her other dils are married with kids(you did not give details), if they are, then conversation is easier because one could talk about her grandchildren.

    Your wife might not feel comfortable at this stage talking to your mother. There are many good reasons for your wife to act this way.

    Let me tell you that I am talking from experience. My mil has many dils and has trouble recognizing that my husband=her son, must put my needs first.

    I am concerned that you only talk from your mother’s point of view, but I am glad that I could help realize your error. Now that you are married, you MUST SUPPORT YOUR WIFE’S NEEDS/DESIRES/VIEWS… AND DEFEND HER AT ALL TIMES. What this means is that you should have defended your wife when your mother told you how she felt and then you could have gone to your wife privately and discuss it.

    First, DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOUR MOTHER SPOKE ABOUT HER B/C IT IS RECHILUS. Your wife will just feel resentment towards your mother and feel insulted that YOU DID NOT DEFEND HER.

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