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  • in reply to: Internet & OTD #1121559

    >I think being unhappy and in pain, usually having been traumatized (specifically, abused), causes OTD.

    >the turning point that starts them heading there is lack of love & care from parents & rabbeim etc… it also includes a lack of self-esteem & self-image

    Not to pick on anyone in particular, but are the above notions of why people go OTD more accepted than LessChumras view (ideas that one accepted while growing up being challenged as one becomes older)?

    Do people who come from loving homes go off the derech less? Do people with high self esteem go off the derech less?

    in reply to: Jewish American or Americans who are jewish? #1071215

    >The major source of anti-semitic slurs are assimilated Jews.

    That’s quite a statement to make, isn’t it?

    in reply to: Reporting Abusers #1093544

    1. If someone is a serial-killer, but they have since become paralyzed without chance of recovery, should you report? He cannot kill again…

    2. If someone has stolen from a store, but their hands have since fallen off and he is unable to steal again, should you report him?

    3. If a man is caught spying on people in the Mikva, but he has since gone blind, should you report him? He can no longer spy…

    In all of these scenarios, there are victims, there are crimes, and there is a wrong-doer. In all these scenarios, the wrong-doer is now incapable of performing the wrong *again*.

    in reply to: Reporting Abusers #1093496

    “But if there is genuinely no question of them repeating the abuse, and this is possible (If they are now severely disabled, for example), then is it our duty to ensure they are punished?”

    How about our duty to show the one who was abused that we care about what he went through? To show other abusers that we care about what they do?

    The abuser deserves no sympathy for what he did. He should be reported to the real authorities. No more covering this up.

    Covering up shows other abusers that if the circumstances are right, they can get away with a grievous action.

    Covering up shows the victim that we are disregarding what they went through and protecting their abuser.

    Covering up is absolutely disgusting.

    in reply to: Home remedy that works? #1006783

    Dermatologists hate her!

    in reply to: Sabotage #1007423

    What could it be, it’s a mirage

    You’re scheming on a thing – that’s sabotage

    in reply to: Perspective From OTD #986471

    ZD: someone who withholds Gets is using religion as a tool for abuse. He is using the fact that the woman is following halacha against her (as opposed to the Halacha simply working against her, which it wouldn’t if the husband gave the Get in the first place)

    in reply to: Protesting Same-Gender Marriage in New Jersey #986073

    “as if the preference of one makes the other something at all preferred?”

    I make this analogy every time, but I’m going to make it again anyways. In the 1900’s your argument would have been “pick your poison: a white child be raised by physically and emotionally abusive white parents or loving black/interracial couple parents”.

    What many are arguing here is that only one of those scenarios is poison.

    “[…]IS CHILD ABUSE for WILLFULLY AND INTENTIONALLY denying the child a male father and female mother which the child clearly needs for life”

    And this? You define child abuse as and I quote again for effect: “WILLFULLY AND INTENTIONALLY denying the child a male father and female mother which the child clearly needs for life”

    Under your definition that you have espoused for us here, divorce is considered child abuse. Further, a single mother is child abuse. Further, the second a mother is divorced and left with her children, she must remarry immediately lest it be child abuse.

    What a nonsensical definition of child abuse.

    in reply to: How much do you give your wife per week for the family budget? #987965

    yytz— rather than having a respectful conversation about it? Seems to me like saving for every day life and retirement should be a mutual decision (with all due respect to Rav Arush).

    in reply to: How much do you give your wife per week for the family budget? #987963

    JF02: +1

    in reply to: How much do you give your wife per week for the family budget? #987961

    We have separate bank accounts. She can spend up to what she earns and then whatever space she has left on her Visa.

    in reply to: BTL or Regular Degree #1054615

    As someone in a top law school, let me give my two cents.

    The real benefit of getting a “regular” degree over a BTL exists, but is short lived. By getting a BA in pre-law type courses, I had the background information to not miss a beat when lectures began.

    There were some in my classes who did not have a similar background to me and it took them a little bit more time to catch on.

    That said, eventually everyone was on the same page and any differences between us became negligible.

    That said, so long as you’re a hardworking individual, it doesn’t really matter what you get your degree in. My preference would always be for a non-BTL because it gave me background knowledge which proved very helpful in studying for the LSAT and the first few months of law school. Ultimately it comes down to personal preference and does not mean that you won’t succeed if a BTL is the path you choose.

    in reply to: Protesting Same-Gender Marriage in New Jersey #986064

    “Besides, the fact that most of them are extremely insecure about themselves (marches, parades, bashing others for religious views and calling them homophobic etc) goes to show that deep down there is still some part of them telling them that it’s not right – even if they don’t realise this insecurity for what it actually is”

    Just like the marches for Israel, right?

    in reply to: Protesting Same-Gender Marriage in New Jersey #986058

    “please look up the definition of marriage in the dictionary. It is a coming together of two very different entities (and you can’t get more different than a man or a woman) and making them into one thing”

    This can’t be a valid argument can it? Words are socially defined/constructed and have no inherent value attached to them. For instance many if not most dictionaries written recently define marriage as a legal contract between “spouses” (as opposed to man and woman).

    in reply to: Protesting Same-Gender Marriage in New Jersey #986019

    “is one of the biggest issurim out there”.

    Let’s please not begin as human beings to decide what the biggest issur out there is. Because if so, I’d have to throw Sinas Chinam up there much higher than SSM. The second Beis Hamikdash wasn’t destroyed because of SSM. It was destroyed because of baseless hatred. That being the case, I don’t see any Jews out there rallying against Sinas Chinam!

    When Hashem destroyed Noach’s generation, he didn’t wipe them out because of SSM. He destroyed them because they acted without regard for other human beings.

    I’m not trying to convince anyone whether or not SSM is “moral” or not. That decision is between Hashem and the individual. I certainly cannot speak for HKBH. He called it an abomination. He also called being sleazy in business practices an abomination. And again, why aren’t we out protesting this? This is CERTAINLY worse than SSM! One is a Torah issur between ben adom l’makom and the other is both between Hashem AND other Jews.

    ” If not then for the sake of not confusing other readers here maybe you should explain that cleary.”

    Other readers: please take my opinion with a grain of salt. I am no Gadol Hador.

    in reply to: Protesting Same-Gender Marriage in New Jersey #986017

    I have said this before on this topic, but in the past 100 years, it was illegal for inter-racial couples to marry. At the time, many Americans thought that to allow such inter-racial couples to marry would “imply societal acceptance if not approval”.

    The same arguments made against inter-racial couples for marrying are now used for same-gender couples and are ridiculous and unwarranted.

    in reply to: Whacky 'Dream House' #982553

    I would put another house in my dream house, both of which would of course have hydroponics labs.

    in reply to: Question for the nashim tzidkaniyos of the Coffee Room #983278

    LOL 🙂

    in reply to: Guy who knows everything here; ask me anything #1215219

    Could Hashem microwave a burrito so hot that He himself could not eat it?

    in reply to: Magic #982515

    But still…where did the lighter fluid come from?

    Magic nowadays is just slight of hand. It takes a lot of practice, but it’s nothing “special” aside from that.

    in reply to: Protesting Same-Gender Marriage in New Jersey #986015

    ” Gay people are soldiers in a war against Hashem…”

    This fails to consider there are frum gays and lesbians in every Jewish community. There are gay men and women who went to the most frum yeshivas and bais yaakovs and yet live a frum lifestyle.

    Gay people are no more soldiers in a war against Hashem then are people who don’t wear tzitzis on a four cornered garment.

    Also, for those who feel threatened by the family unit not being there, or because a father or mother figure is not there: if this were so, we should take away children who are raised by single mothers and single fathers. Chas V’Shalom they should be raised by only gender!

    I just don’t understand why so many Jewish people get so stuck on what other Jews do within the privacy of their own home. Personally, I feel there are more pressing issues to the Jewish world than this. I just cannot fathom why anybody would say that two men or women who are in a loving relationship and raise children right is >>>>>>> than an abusive hetero relationship where children are neglected and/or abused.

    Edit: as is clear, I have no problem against SSM. So long as two individuals love each other and treat each other with respect and dignity, it is a relationship that should not be looked down upon, but should rather be praised.

    in reply to: Jews in top law schools #977709

    Law schools do not care where your degree comes from as a general rule. Ultimately, what matters is your GPA and LSAT [ie. an 85% GPA from Harvard is not worth more than a 90% from Touro]. Maybe all things being equal your university/college may make a difference, but even then, your personal statement will likely be the difference-breaker.

    In first year, our classes were assigned and we were not given discretion to switch our schedules. That said, there were enough people to borrow notes from and audio recordings were made readily available to accommodate those who could not attend lecture for religious observances.

    In regard to living with no income, you can make it work through applying for a Line of Credit, bursaries and scholarships. If your wife is working, that obviously makes things MUCH easier. If not, budgeting will be a key to your survival off of minimum money. If you can find a cheaper place to live during those three years (such as living with family) though not ideal, that is also very helpful.

    in reply to: Do I have to forgive Dov Lipman? #972283

    The responses did not go the way OP was hoping for.

    “I believe that it is likely that such parenting is THE root cause of MOST children going OTD.”

    The problem goes way beyond parenting.

    I would suggest the mere fact that we call it off THE derech is problematic as it assumes there is ONLY one derech. Accepting that there is only one derech often leads to ostracizing of the one who is not like the others. This then leads to to feelings of dissonance which will not always and perhaps not even often bring the one who does not fit in back to the fold.

    Judaism is not black and white as many families/schools/people believe it to be. Yet we preach and “us” vs “them” mentality almost every day.

    I’m certainly not making any suggestions to fix the siutation, but in my mind and as someone who is not a parent yet, I’d rather have a son/daughter who doesn’t necessarily follow every halacha to a T than one who does because their parents/community compelled them to do it and down the line inevitably rejects me as a parent and the community they grew up in as intolerant of those who do not fit the mold.

    in reply to: Work vs. Kollel #1176676


    Yup. Rashi worked in viticulture, Rambam was a Doctor, Yaakov Avinu was a Sheppard.

    The current practice of everyone learning full time while being supported is simply not sustainable. The money will run dry. Especially when rich families marry into rich familes…but that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

    in reply to: Should kids have locks on their bedroom doors? #1002548

    And JewishFeminist02, though I have not spoken to Toi about this, I think I speak on behalf of Toi when I say your parents should have NEVER provided you with a lock and should have removed it immediately upon becoming aware of its existence.

    in reply to: Should kids have locks on their bedroom doors? #1002547

    I think I must be missing a piece of the puzzle here.

    What age group are we concerned about here?

    Is this the same concern we have about a three year old and a plastic bag that he or she may put over her face? Ie. Physical safety?

    Or are we talking about kids aged 5-12? Or perhaps 12-18?

    Who counts as a “kid”.

    Also, out of curiosity, did all of you who are anti-lock not have locks on their doors growing up? Or is this a chumrah thing that I have yet to hear about.

    in reply to: Should kids have locks on their bedroom doors? #1002537

    Oh! The question isn’t even about locks at all!

    It’s about privacy and whether children and teenagers should be trusted by parents to be alone in their room because they might get up to no good!

    I’m kind of surprised to see a lot of these responses. Most of them seem to suggest that children/teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to go out on their own lest they do something wrong due to a lack of supervision. Is one better off growing as an individual through both success and failure or should they be overly-protected and never have the opportunities to do so? Seems rather obvious…

    My view? Rather than not trusting your children (which is inherently messed up), TEACH them what is right and wrong. At least have a conversation with the children as to why or why not they may be provided with locks or not. It seems almost passive-agressive to simply not provide a lock due to a lack of trust. Children/teenagers won’t take anything away from that except “my parents don’t trust me or value my privacy”.

    in reply to: Should kids have locks on their bedroom doors? #1002536

    what is this? I don’t even

    in reply to: Am I Smart Enough for Law School? #984517

    “I think the profession as a whole would be better off without the glut of students who are just lost and looking for a direction. “

    What else would you have people do with their Bachelor of Arts? 🙂

    in reply to: I can't take it anymore! #968984

    They are probably isolated incidents for the most part but it certainly and understandably gets played up a lot.

    That being said, any group that strongly and outwardly belives the rest of the world and everyone in it must conform to said person’s personal/religious beliefs will get into these situations.

    in reply to: Am I Smart Enough for Law School? #984515

    To get into Touro Law, you don’t need a particulary good LSAT score (around 151) and a 3.2 cGPA.

    50% of applicants are accepted. One can achieve a 151 LSAT score without any practice (seriously).

    But to get into a half-decent law school, it has nothing to do with being “smart enough”, but rather how much work you are willing to put in.

    If you are still in College/University, work your hardest to end your last two years with a 3.7+ GPA.

    If you have already completed College/University and are unhappy with your overall GPA, consider taking a Masters Program which can only help your case for accesptance. Additionally, study study and study again for the LSAT because its worth 50% of your admission.

    I reccomend the PowerScore books for LSAT study books.

    in reply to: Why are there religious Jews who are pro-gay marriage? #968462

    I bet when it was prohibited by law for a white person to marry a black, all the white people were saying: “It will ruin the sanctity of marriage to allow people of different races to mix!! It’s immoral! Outrageous! What’s next? Men marrying men?”.

    And now inter-racial marriage is not a big deal at all.

    Interesting how its the same argument, different time period.

    in reply to: Why are there religious Jews who are pro-gay marriage? #968445

    Just some random thoughts I have when I read these discussions:

    I TRULY believe that marriage is cheapened by us everyday when Torah Observant choose to only date a girl/boy based on superficial things such as looks/money/who their family is etc. THIS cheapens marriage much more than those who marry because they fell in love with who a person is.

    2. Why are we always picking and choosing what is wrong and worthy of being up in arms about? There are so many Toeivas and Torah prohibitions, and yet where are the masses of members of the Jewish faith to criticize those who are slimy in their business dealings (Devarim 25:13-16).

    3. A similar thought, how can you be up in arms against legalizing gay marriage and not be up in arms when they open up a McDonalds in a Jewish area? Both are providing the vehicle by which Jews will be committing aveirahs. One step further, there’s no inherent taivah to eat a cheeseburger, but one who Hashem creates with the tayva of being attracted to the same-sex does have an inherent tayva similar to an individual has an attraction to the opposite sex! I would argue logically that we should judge less those who have an inherent tayva they are born with than one that is so easy not to do…!

    4. The saying “don’t throw stones in glass houses” really rings true here. If every Jew spent as much time working on their own middos as they spend on criticizing other Jews for succumbing to their shortcomings we would honestly have a nation of Tzadikim.

    in reply to: Letter sent to Mishpacha magazine. #970361

    jewishfeminist02 — I love what you wrote.

    in reply to: Jewish Students Off Plane #957660

    It’s so not antisemitism. It’s a chillel Hashem is what it is.

    It was a group of 100 teenagers, among who, a number failed to follow the stewardesses instructions (which happened to be basic airline takeoff procedure).

    Though the airline may have overreacted, I would never say they were wrong. I was a teenager not to long ago and have travelled with my classmates in large numbers. We were a little rowdy, though no where near over the top.

    I could only imagine 100 teenage friends on such a flight. Not saying they were all wrong, but enough to worry the airline.

    in reply to: MUST READ- Real Solutions to the Internet Challenge #922693

    “Unfortunately, “ZAHAVA’S DAD” IS SO so naive Nd clueless […] that I don’t think any amount of evidence would convince him. “

    Just a lurker for the most part, but I just had to say that although I do think the quote above does apply to one of the participants of this debate, I certainly do not think that the person is ZD.

    @ Zahavasdad: May you be given the strength from Hakadosh Baruch Hu to continue in your praiseworthy fight, and may you reap a lot of reward for your Teshuva. 🙂

    in reply to: MUST READ- Real Solutions to the Internet Challenge #922591


    I strongly agree with much of what you said. The stories make large leaps which definitely do not logically follow.

    I could say that I know of two families who were frum and each of them had a son who wore green crocs to Shul on Yom Kippur. A year later, both of those sons were OTD. Must have been the shoes right?

    Not really.

    “the real message i see from this pamphlet is that we are blaming everything on the internet when there are way more plausible answers to the situation”

    I agree with this statement.

    in reply to: MUST READ- Real Solutions to the Internet Challenge #922590


    I do not think ZD is saying that all technology ought to be banned. Rather, I think his intent is to argue the following:

    There are several problems associated with the internet ie. harmful websites etc. There are those who would therefore have the internet banned because of these issues.

    However, these issues exist in a plethora of other technological advances. Ie. if you are going to talk to a member of the opposite gender online, you can just as easily get in your car and drive to a place where you can talk to a member of the opposite gender. Why not ban driving?

    If internet can be the cause of Bittul Torah and should therefore be banned, then the ban should also include such technologies such as cars, cell phones, digital cameras which also can tempt individuals to commit other aveiras.

    To not ban other such “problems” would be inconsistent with the reasoning behind the banning of the internet.

    in reply to: bochurim texting #888245

    I do not post here often, but when I saw this thread, I just knew I needed to post.

    I agree with you 1,000,000%. But what can we do about this? Take away their phones?

    in reply to: The best response to the RBS terror #841504

    “And YOU will tell us when the greatest men of our generation are making a “mistake”? All of them collectively, no less?! YOU are less mistake-prone than the greatest gedolim?? “

    Sorry if that was unclear. I was NOT calling the Gedolim wrong. I was saying one would be wrong to accept them as being infallible. As humans, they certainly are CAPABLE of making mistakes and/or failing to comprehend the full picture. (As am I of course).

    “Do you approve of Pinchas ben Elozar ben Aharon ha’Kohen? “

    Let me say this. I would certainly put more faith in Pinchas acting on behalf of the unified Jewish people then I do in a contemporary individual who represents one segment of the Jewish people. I believe there is absolutely no comparison between Pinchas and the spitter and to compare the two in my opinion is a real degradation to what Pinchas did.

    in reply to: The best response to the RBS terror #841498

    10952: “If they decided not to, then we know by virtue of them being far wiser and greater than any of us, that that is the correct decision. “

    No. Wrong.

    They may be more learned than any of us, but they are human and therefore capable of making mistakes. This is why there are different levels of courts/judges in Torah and Secular law. Perhaps they are making the decision that they deem to be the most appropriate, but that surely does not make it the “correct” decision.

    in reply to: Texting Lingo #840236

    I’m horrified on behalf of the English language.

    in reply to: The best response to the RBS terror #841495

    +1 to Zahavasdad.

    in reply to: learning vs working – which is harder? #806894

    Of course this question was inevitable. But can it be answered?

    There is no set criteria by which to determine such a question.

    My response of course is that it depends what you are passionate about. One who is passionate about animals and has longed to be a veterenarian their entire life, may find taking university courses on the subject to be both enjoyable and gratifying as he or she is not only learning about what they enjoy, but are also achieving a goal of theirs. While a person passionate who is passsionate about a good Tosfos versus Rashi argument would find such studies to be quite boring and difficult.

    It is also true the other way.

    In the end of the day, I can in no way be considered a “learner” as I am a full time college student, however, I have set aside an hour a night to learn at a local Kolel. I enjoy learning Gemara , but would not be able to do it for more than 4 hours straight. Probably not even more than 2 hours straight.

    So what is easier? Obviously the one you are less passionate about.

    in reply to: Are they talking about me ??? #797786

    What you have explained is termed as “linguistic paranoia”.

    They were unlikely talking about you. We just like to think they are because we have a tendency to think the world revolves around us. This is not meant to say you are self-centered but rather that we, as humans, tend to make sense of the world in terms of ourselves.

    More likely what’s going on is: one of the speakers might not speak English, so the other speaker will interlocute in their shared language. Or perhaps they feel they wish to speak about a matter that doesn’t concern those around them and they can only do so in the non-dominant language.

    in reply to: Commiting to two dates?? #797642

    You really don’t know of any husband that takes out the garbage? That’s so weird.

    in reply to: Eating disorders… #795776

    Hi Bpmum,

    As someone who’s been there i know exactly what you are going through. I was diagnosed with anorexia 2 years ago and have been fighting ever since. Anorexia may not consume me as it once did, but the thoughts and behaviors associated with my ED will haunt me forever. I know fasting has got to be the hardest thing in the world for you right now. let’s face it, i’m sure you live on a somewhat unconventional diet and gearing up for the fast can be a headtrip in itself. even if you know you will be depriving your body of nutrients for a full 25 hours, you can’t bring yourself to add more than to restricted portion sizes to prepare yourself adequately for this ‘starvation’. fast days are stressful… as it stands caloric intakes and portion sizes haunt you routinely at every hour of the day… how much more so on a fast day when the ENTIRE day revolves around our 2 favorite things. 1)restriction and 2)food. fast days are almost ‘easy’ to those that suffer with an ED.We aren’t forced to a table watching everyone else enjoying food so mindlessly and effortlessly and being tormented to the point of submission when we succumb to eat the food ourselves… the downside to these fast days are that we know we actually like them. not only like them but almost look forward to them. Any rav will agree that not only are you NOT ALLOWED TO FAST you have a mechuyav to eat on a fast day. Not only will fasting set you back into an unhealthy mindset, it is also a sarkanah as you do not have the reserves to nourish your body for a full 25 hour period. If you need to sneak food up to your bedroom or eat at a time when nobody is around…Do it! Unfortunately many people are still are in the dark about eating disorders. if your family understood what you were risking by fasting they would not be forcing this upon you. Remember,you can still gain meaning from tisha baav without fasting by practicing what it is really about. Some people can fast and spend an entire day speaking loshon hora, watching videos and surfing the web. You have the power to take incredible things away from tisha baav that those who are fasting may not have the strength to do.

    Be strong! We all support you!

    in reply to: Ir Miklat and the Wizard of Oz #1066917

    “Girl accidentally kills and then needs to flee to a city to escape the sibling of the accidental murder victim.”

    That’s the connection.

    in reply to: Chemistry-or not? #794346

    Poppa is on the money. It is rare that two people who have never met will have real chemistry after only seeing eachother twice. But if the guy does not feel himself as being attracted to his date, he will likely not tell the Shadchan this outright.

    Soon, when the word “chemistry” becomes synonymous with “attractive”, people will need to come up with a new word to express why they do not wish to see their date again. Perhaps people will tell their Shadchan that they did not feel “synergy”.

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