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Thanks. Is there a way to exchange information without posting it here publicly?
Its true that you don’t need a minyan. I once overslept so I called my rov and asked if there was any heter to eat. Instead he told me to come over and he made a siyum for me. He finished Rosh Hashana. Then he told me the rema says the minhag is to redo the eiruv chatzaros Erev pesach so he had me be zoche in the matza for his block but he said we won’t make a bracha because itsa a safek if there’s an eruv in Flatbush.
I’m a few blatt behind from finishing Brachas in daf yomi so its working out perfect.
Can you do this live stream?
In the beginning I also thought COVID-19 was exaggerated. Afterall, “don’t X amount die from the flu every year!” (I don’t remember the number). But I watch Dr. Fauci, who is the gov’ts dr. but says it is it is, and he explained that if you look around you can’t see how bad it is because untill it peaks we are always two weeks behind since a person can have the virus yet not show symptoms for two weeks. So we walk around thinking “gee I’m ok” and keep infecting each other.
It’s been pretty stupid the way people continue to spread it around. I got my parents to no longer have our cleaning lady. Instead I’m cleaning for Shabbos and Pesach.March 6, 2018 3:26 pm at 3:26 pm in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1482121
My meds are for bipolar II. But people act out of ignorance (I am not saying you). They don’t even know the difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II (not that they are expected too).
Being married to someone with a mental illness that is not controlled is a serious problem.
But why would you worry that a guy would stop taking his meds if he hasn’t stopped taking them for the last 23 years? True, the body can change and meds can need to be adjusted but lets say a girl is 40. The guy she marries may develop many other physical problems too. Gosh, I meet girls under 40 who are almonos so their husbands died! People can get cancer at any time.
But I’ve had enough therapy and I’m studying to go into a second career as a therapist to know that everyone is entitled to their feelings 🙂 That actually is the one thing I can think is a “maalah” of what I’ve gone through. It’s made me more compasionate.March 6, 2018 12:38 am at 12:38 am in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1481835
So I called a girl tonight and she says, a great guy like you, why aren’t you married. I get evasive and ask her, why aren’t you married? She sighs and says how hard it is to fimnd a guy who isn’t divorced OR ON MEDS
Ok. So I’ve proved my point. Truth is, evberyone has their pekel.
How do I get positive?March 4, 2018 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1480827
Many poskim say to tell on the 3rd date. Others say there no “vort davka” in the 3rd date. Its an inyan that you can’t get the girl to fall for you and then tell her you have a mood disorder. 3 dates 6 hours each is different than 3 dates 2 hours each. I think we’d all agree on that. And a 22 year old bochur’s 3rd date is different than a 40 year old baal habos’s 3rd date.
That being said, of course I’d tell the girl about my mood disorder before it gets serious.
I wish there was a book of stories of people on medicine who got married.March 4, 2018 5:49 pm at 5:49 pm in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1480693
Is there a way to respond to each post separately? I’m relatively new here.
Mrs. Most told me she doesn’t work with mental illness only physical issues or people in their 40s. She was nice when I spoke to her.
RebYidd-you make a good point. Certain meds are problematic during pregnancy. Not all though.
Shopping-I think you are making two points. 1-You seem to be not looking for a guy in kollel who will be supported by others. That seems separate from struggling with issues. I can understand that. Then 2-a person can struggle without it being mental illness. I understand that too. I agree with you that not “everyone has issues”. I hate when people say that. But in a sense, the older I get and the more I see, I start to see people really get issues! I think its a statistic. Every day is a potential for an issue.
When I was in yeshiva I was mkana the two best guys in my shiur (good friends of mine). I was depressed and they were the top learners. Well what happens? One nebuch loses a child to cancer and the other survives (bh) cancer. When I was having kinah did I know what was going to happen to the people I was having kinah on? Of course not. And terribly there are people younger than me who I have watched pass away. So in a sense I can count my blessings that I am alive. But I still so much want to get married and fear rejection for taking meds.March 3, 2018 9:54 pm at 9:54 pm in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1480068
Thanks for understanding.
I didn’t really mean she had to take meds. I meant she should have an issue so we could understand each other and support each other. Of course a marriage isn’t about common challenges. I once almost got engaged to a Russian baalas tshuva. I think we understood each other. But people look at me and don’t see that I take meds etc (which is a good thing) so they don’t red me the shiduchim that have a higher probability of working out.March 2, 2018 11:09 am at 11:09 am in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1479831
Can anyone tell me how I could find a great girl who is on meds like myself? All I get are girls who have “no problems”. I want someone who struggled a little like me so we’d understand each other as strange as it sounds. There are shadchanim for this but they have no one.
When I am married I will be a shadchan for people on meds. I would do it now but I am not sure how.August 28, 2017 2:17 pm at 2:17 pm in reply to: What’s a girl to do if her father is not a Talmid Chacham? #1348602
If a girl has a brother in yeshiva he can look around yeshiva and get her va shiduch with a good learner even if her father isn’t a talmid chochom. That’s what I did!
Now, if the girl has a good job like being an accountant, pt, ot (you know the drill) then she’s upping her odds of getting a guy who wants to learn in kollel too since she can support him.
I’m not saying she needs to do this. There are many fine working guys. But it can be done.August 17, 2017 2:59 pm at 2:59 pm in reply to: When Yossi’s depression was mistaken for Atzlus by his mashgiach #1341265
Many many years ago, way before the frum community could ever dream of such a thing as Relief (they barely had meds in those days like today), my menahel told me to go to a psychologist for my depression. (I went, he was a lousy psychologist but that’s beside the point).
When I did poorly on my bechina my menahel explained to me how in the stock market there is something called a correction which means the stocks are artificially undervalued but will rise in price any day. A good investor knows where to invest then so he can buy low and sell high. My rebby told me how “I’m a good investor and I know you about to have a correction so I am investing in you and giving you a 100 based on the future”.
My rebby was from those that understood. There are others that understand too though but definitely not all. I feel for those that had rebbeyim that didn’t get it.August 17, 2017 10:30 am at 10:30 am in reply to: Anxiety, Bitachon, and Morons (Dah mah shetashiv l'moron) #1341000
I think there is merit to what gavriel is saying.
Is anxiety purely neurological? I’m not an expert, just a simple fellow. The way I explain things to myself is that there is something called a biopsychosocial aproach to mental health. So there are 3 parts. Biology, psychology, and the social context. If anxiety was purely biological then all we could do is take medication. But most people with anxiety are open to medication if needed and psychology/therapy. Albert Ellis was a famous cognitive behavioral therapist who stopped using the word anxiety. He said people were anxietizing themself by the beliefs they were telling themselves. He was an atheist but he’d agree that if telling yourself you have a strong G-d walking next to you helps you then by all means do it.
I also don’t think OCD is the only way anxiety can manifest itself. How about, OMG, if I make a wrong turn while driving I’ll end up in a bad neighborhood and the people will mug me. Is that OCD?
What I don’t like about using G-d to allieviate anxiety is that what if the anxious person then starts asking, “yes, but who says G-d esists…” We just went from one doubt (maybe I’ll be harmed) to another doubt. So, if there are more effective ways of dealing with the anxiety I’d go with them. But if bitachon works, do what works.August 16, 2017 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm in reply to: Anxiety, Bitachon, and Morons (Dah mah shetashiv l'moron) #1340701
I think that bitachon may help some (I stress some) people with anxiety.
Anxiety can be irrational and bitachon can be rational (if properly understood) but being rational actually can help one deal with irrational thoughts. In CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy one looks to replace irational thoughts with rational thoughts. I could potentially see bitachon incorporated into this.
Now, you do what works and if it wouldn’t work then definitely don’t do it. And you can’t just say, have bitachon. When you use CBT you are taught how to use it, not just told, think rationally.
It’s supposed to be closed because of hester but then we’d never know the flavor when we buy them.
Are you open to going out of Brooklyn?
You can definitely choose that.
Where do things stand? Are you going to speak once more on the phone to say good bye?
If it was me
I’d start by respecting their decision
I would thank the person for learning with me because of how much I gained from the experience (new insight to my own Judaism, thinking about great questions they rose).
I’d ask for feedback on what they found most interesting/enjoyable from the learning.
I’d ask if they were to consider continuing or restarting what time would they see working best and topic they’d find most interesting.
Of course I’d talk to the group who sponsors the learning.
A guy I know told someone not frum a hashkafa vort and the guy got interested in learning. I was set up with the person to learn through an organization and told that “gemara works better than hashkafa” so we learned brachas for a few weeks and the guy really was uninterested and dropped. In hindsight I would have learned fascinating hashkafa with him. The truth is that would have been a lot more work for me at that time but it would have worked I believe. There may be packets made by smart organizations for kiruv. I recently participated in a one night session through Ohr Sameach and they had a fascinating packet. Wasn’t hashkafa but it was done top notch intellectually for college kids. It traced the gemara about yaharog vaal yaavor to questions like abortion, when to give over a person in a city etc.
Hatzlacha in your kiruv.