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This is such a touchy topic, & it’s so unfortunate that we have to ask ourselves these questions within our communities. I have personally seen the creation of an addict from the start of their addiction, to their recovery, & after. Most people who become addicts have a lot of underlying trauma which leads them to their path. The average person doesn’t one day decide, “Hey, I’m so bored so you know what? I’m gonna try tripping out on acid, followed by taking Percocet, and then shoot up.” There is usually so much behind the addiction, much deeper than the addiction itself. Once an addict, always an addict, addiction is a form of mental illness. The person may be clean and sober, but they will always be an addict. With that said, dating a recovering addict comes with so much responsibility. Recovering addicts are worthy of dating & marriage just as the next person, addicts are not bad people, & they are most certainly NOT their addiction! There is a lot of personal sacrifice that comes with dating a recovering addict, i.e. If their addiction was drinking, you can’t drink by a Kiddush as it might act as a trigger- even by being at a Kiddush where the alcohol is flowing like water might be a trigger for them. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, or a good thing, that is something for someone to decide on their own personal level. I personally feel that dating a recovering addict can be more than it is worth, as addiction is lifelong battle and in a way, that struggle now becomes your struggle, especially if you end up marrying them. But that is just my personal opinion, everybody is entitled and should form their own when it comes to such a sensitive topic.
…just came upon this. I don’t know why, but I’m really cracking up.
I thought that those signs had to do with the nearby college, not a yeshiva… this is news to me.
I don’t feel that we can put a time line on when it’s the right time for one to get married. However, I do feel that it’s so beyond important that both parties feel ready & not ready because they’re 21 & Chas v’Shalom you’re not married by 22. It’s important that both parties know how to be independent- a spouse wont be there to hpld your hand through everything. Mature enough to handle a relationship. Able to realize that they can no longer be selfish & most importantly, they must be emotionally stable. That’s all that matters. Age is nothing but a number.
@Joseph – 3 girls in my class are already engaged + outside of school friends are either married/engaged. I’m starting to freak out a little.
I am 18 & looking for a shidduch. Three girls in my class are already engaged & many more are dating. I sit by my phone waiting for a text, a call, someone telling me they think they’ve found a boy for me. It hasn’t happened. Every simcha/social event I attend, I make sure to look my best. Looks shouldn’t have a lot to do with shidduchim- but I’m nowhere near ugly & not to mention I have a stellar personality. I’m not trying to sound cocky, or make myself sound amazing. Not at all. I’m just trying to illustrate a point. I think many people look at a girl/guy & think, “They’re so pretty/handsome, they’re such a great person, they have such a good personality, they must not be struggling at all therefore I don’t have to get involved.” But we all do! Also another thing which I feel contributes to the “crisis” is the emphasis on Yichus. Whether you’d like to admit it or not, yichus plays a huge role in shidduchim. Making it harder for people, like myself that came from religious homes- but not Yeshivish/black hat, whatever label you want to use, but have adopted that way of life. My family lineage is traced back to Dovid HaMelech, Rashi, to the Maharal from Prague… and then people look at my parents and say, oh her dad doesn’t wear a black hat? Her mom isn’t in skirts? She doesn’t even cover her hair?! This girl is no good for my son. It doesn’t even have anything to do with me, I am NOT my parents! I am me! But whenever I’m told this, I just remind myself that everybody rejected Rus- but in the end, she married Boaz.
PAA- sorry, it downloaded funny on my phone.
PAA- I’m aware of the Halacha, however it also says somewhere I can’t bring the exact quote that it doesn’t mean to get plastered off of Grey Goose and Patron, it means to drink more than the norm- so let’s say a normal person has a glass of wine with their meal, so on Purim they’ll drink two glasses… it’s when people start to get drunk off of vodka and the like- is when they start to chip away at the actual mitzvah.
Ik this has been dead for a long time but having an ayin tova is a tremendous help. Listen to R’ Wallersteins shiur on Love & a Lev Tov, great class, it changed my outlook on love & life, it changed me. Really fantastic.March 4, 2015 5:03 pm at 5:03 pm in reply to: To people who shidduch dated someone and broke up after 10+ times #1140563
The middos weren’t really there.
I hear that you’re supposed to have a meal with both bread and meat.
I made this post on another post… but I really feel that the level that we are on, drinking should be reserved for true tzadikim. I feel a lot of people abuse the drinking on Purim to an unholy degree.
Dunno if this is a joke or not but I really feel that the level that we are on, drinking should be reserved for true tzadikim. I feel a lot of people abuse the drinking on Purim to an unholy degree.
Golfer- thanks so much:)
If anybody is curious for an update… we decided to go our separate ways. He’s not the person I once thought him to be. I’m not going to Seminary in E”Y, however I will be attending one in Lakewood/Brooklyn and attending Touro (IY”H- if I get accepted.)
Too much emphasis on yichus, too little emphasis on the individual. I would rather marry an amazing person with no yichus vs. an ok/not so great person with yichus. Just because somebodies father is a big tzadik/Rabbi, does not mean their child is the same way. One would hope it would be that way, but not all children follow in the footsteps of their parents.
The Yetzer Hara is soooo good at tricking us. Haha, this app is such a joke… would you go swimming on Shabbos? No. Would you play basketball on Shabbos? No. What about riding a bike? No. Would you watch TV if you left it on from before Shabbos and you wouldn’t change the channel? No. So why would you use a cellphone…
Torah613Torah- B”H there are plenty of ways to afford Seminary & my parents are willing to put some of their money towards it… meaning I too, will have to put some money towards it. Same story with college.
I got all my acceptance letters towards the end of January/first week of Feb… they all wanted an answer by now but… I don’t think I’m going anymore.
@gavra.. I want a completely different lifestyle from my parents. After 120 that rich husband, fancy house, car, & degree will be nothing & I’m not interested in wasting my life on nothing.
My parents don’t care if I go 2 Seminary bec I’ll have enough credits 2 cover my first year of college. It’s very complicated with my parents- my dad grew up yeshivish and it wasn’t for him and my mom grew up not religious at all.
My parents would love me to go to Yale, marry a Harvard graduated lawyer who brings in at least 2 mil a year when I turn 30. Have two kids, a boy and a girl, live in a huge house somewhere with a fancy car parked out front- tell me again how what I want will lead to disaster? & tell me again how my parents “know” what’s best for me?
@OURtorah- They want me to graduate first than get married, something I absolutely do not want to compromise on! It’s been my dream to get married and build a family ever since I can remember and that is something I am not willing to compromise on esp if I found the right one.
The issue is not that parents do not want me to go to Seminary, the issue is the one THEY want me at is not the one that I want to go to. The type of boy I want to marry is not who THEY want me to marry. The way I want to get my degree is not the way THEY want me to get my degree. I am honestly beyond frustrated and feeling as if I am speaking to a wall when I do speak to them about these things.
@ apushatayid- he is not just my ‘boyfriend’ we are serious about marriage, however our current financial situation is not ideal at all, and I need to graduate High School, and he needs to finish Shana Gimmel to get his Bachelors in Talmudic Studies
As much as I want it I don’t truly know if I have the backbone for it- obviously I won’t know until I try. I just hope if I start out by marrying a learning guy and the kollel lifestyle is not working out he’ll be open to compromise.
It’s a sweet gesture. It’s something out of the norm.
The whole point of this post was not to start a halachic debate rather to inform me of what a kollel life entails and how people do it.
@DY- It is only a possibility depending on what I do next year, but thank you for informing me. I will take what you’ve told me into consideration.
Touro Manhattan all the way! It’s the nicest school ever and the dorms are gorgeous!
There’s a difference between getting drunk & getting blitzed and I think when it comes to Purim the line between the two is greatly blurred. You should get drunk ENOUGH to fulfill the mitzvah, but not drunk to the point where you’re throwing up all over yourself & can’t tell the difference between your wife & her sister.
I take biotin for my hair, skin, & nails.
& to clarify- I am not Syrian. My family is Ashkenaz but we are in with the Syrian communty- all my friends & parents friends are Syrian, I go to a pretty much all Syrian school. The only difference is my dad davens in an Ashekenaz shul
@DaasYochid- We are together because we want to get married. We’re not just together because we said hi let’s date we think it’s a good idea. Dating in my circle is very different.
@YYBC- There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but yes. & just for everybodies clarification- WE ARE SHOMER!
OURtorah- I became more towards the right when I went to camp for a summer. I met him when I was in middle of changing, we were both changing not for each other. My high school I went to is amazing, and I don’t feel I missed out on any of the self growth that all the other girls went through.
@BYmaidel- Most likely go to work, but they way he’s talking right now, he wants to learn for a while.
@showjoe- I’m not sure if there’s an official heter or not. I started dating this boy going into 10th grade.
@OURtorah- 100% fine with me, rant away haha:) I understand the value of a college education don’t get me wrong- I feel that guys who sit and learn should get one JIC (BH most Yeshiva offer such an option) but I just feel like i Can go to college and have a family at the same time while my parents do not necessarily agree.
@Lior- The Syrian circle, & it could be other girls started then, just nobody talks about it. Two girls in my class are already engaged.
@showjoe- *forgot to add, he comes from your typical black hat yeshivish family, however he is more modern than they are. He has a very warm and open minded family BH.
@shoejoe- I am currently in 12th grade however in my circle (not Chassidish) it’s pretty normal to get engaged the summer after graduation or the following year. It is not too late for me to go to Sem, seeing as this boy will be in his Shana Gimmel year in Yeshiva in E”Y. We have been dating now for almost 3 years- I would hope he wants to marry me & from the conversations we’ve had around marriage they’ve all been positive ones. My parents would love for me to go to college and explore the world but I want a different life than them. We wouldn’t be getting married iyh if it happens, most likely around the Pesach/Summer of next year as we are both not fully ready yet.
I agree with you all & I’m not expecting/was never expecting my parents to drop money down on the table but possibly help with expenses here & there. Please don’t think that’s what I was trying to say, & the boy I have in mind, I know for a fact he won’t just be ‘warming a seat’.
When my grandparents were dating- there was no ‘Shidduch crisis’ because the boy would actually ASK the girl out, and actually SPEAK to her, instead of someone saying ok, “You’ll be good for her, and you’ll be good for him.” Without truly knowing because nobody knows better what you want than you do! You’re parents want the person who they ‘think’ is best for you, but when they’re looking for that person, they might be looking for qualities or a personality type that you’re not! & a Shadchan is not a fairy with a magical solution- if you’re not getting any dates, any phonecalls, get out on the FRUM social scene & meet somebody! There is nothing wrong talking to a girl, and nothing wrong talking to a guy. If you’re college age, I know Touro has a lot of events etc.
@Rema711- I was thinking about The New Seminary & killing two birds with one stone.
I’m so sorry! I just want you to know that there are other people in your situation- you’re not alone at all. I can totally relate, & honestly, most people have no idea that I really have no friends! Sometimes it’s much better to be in your own company than false company.February 1, 2015 12:50 pm at 12:50 pm in reply to: Place to get affordable, tzniusdik clothes for young girl #1055984
I’m not sure where you are from, but in Lakewood there’s a very trendy gemach called deja new, nothing in there is over $10! It’s all gently worn stylish clothes and I always find a lot of designer/name brands. I was able to find a blazer with the tags still on yhat read $150 for maybe $5.
& Baruch HaShem I have amazing, unconditionally loving, parents.
@from Long Island- did you care if the boys whom they married had a college education/GED?
I have the exact same issue! I am always one to normally do things last minute- literally. I’ve found keeping a daily planner helpful.
Oomis- My family is frum- my father grew up in a very Yeshivish home but the black hat life style was not for him. My mother grew up knowing nothing, she can’t understand the value of sitting and learning unless it’s out of a college textbook. My family is more modern than i am. Both my parents are supportive if I go to Seminary or not. They’ll support me as far as I want to go in my Yiddishkeit, just will not support me and my husband if I decide to marry a boy who learns.