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The National Supervisor of the Banks in Israel walked into the branch of a bank on Kikar Shabbos and saw to his surprise one queue of men and a separate one of women.
Barely containing his anger, he summoned the branch manager and demanded an explanation. “Are you giving in to the demand of the charedim?” he asked.
“No sir”, came the reply. “You misunderstood the situation. One queue is for deposits, the other for withdrawals”!
I have a friend who is a Psychoceramic.
He fixes crackpots.
Great statements:
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame … two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
— John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed … if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
— Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
— Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man … which debt he proposes to payoff with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
— James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
— Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
— Frederic Bastiat … French economist(1801-1850)
11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases … If it moves … tax it. If it keeps moving … regulate it. And if it stops moving … subsidize it.
— Ronald Reagan(1986)
12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now … wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
— P.J. O’Rourke
14. In general … the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
— Voltaire(1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
— Pericles (430B.C.)
16. No man’s life … liberty … or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain(1866)
17. Talk is cheap … except when Congress does it.
–Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal … with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
— Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class … save Congress.
— Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
— Edward Langley … Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want … is strong enough to take everything you have.
— Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
–Aesop
Am I missing something? As far as I know Nachal Charedi was started by HaGaon HaRav Steinman shlitoh and he, who would most certainly not be shy to do so if necessary, has not retracted. If Maran HaRav Elishuv shlitoh indeed wrote that letter, then we have a Machlokes HaGedolim and each one should ask their Rav who they should pasken like. With all due respect to all YWN Coffee Roomers, none of us is capable of paskening that psak. Its time that we learn when to keep quiet! Which is what I will do now.
Rabbi Falk also gives shiur in the New Sem
Of course everyone has full bechirah. What your Rosh yeshiva probably spoke about (being it this week)is whether a person with his Bechira can harm someone else, like killing him, if H’ doesn’t want it to happen. There is a Zohar and a Ohr Hachaim regarding the brothers of Yosef throwing him in a pit full of snakes and scorpions. There is a lot of talk about it.
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.
Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.
Popa: “Horrified” was writing in the (hilarious) dialect the Goyim speak in “geordieland” which is the nickname for the Gateshead area.
Obelix: Your must have been in Gateshead in the Roman or Gaul days. Over the last 60 years there were only 3 Rabbonim in charge of Gateshead, none of them by the name of R’ Binyomin Hershgovitz.
One of the advantages of old age is that you can sing a song whilst brushing your teeth!
Mr & Mrs Lovon HoArami and Rabbi & Mrs Yitzchak Ovinu
are happy to invite you to the chasene of their children
Rachel to Yaakov.
Chupa at 7 pm
Followed by deception.
FRUSTRATED SHADCHAN: It’s so hard to please anyone these days!!! Here is a partial list of my clients …. I couldn’t even get them one date, and that is why I am finally quitting and look for another business.
Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn’t he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols? Then he left home without a GPS or a viable business plan!
Yitzchak Avinu: His brother is an Arab terrorist!!!
Rivka Imeinu: Sorry, she seems nice but did you hear about her mishpuche??? Her father’s a murderer and her brother’s a ponzi scam artist… .
Yaakov Avinu: Okay, he sits and learns all day… but his brother is a no-goodnik. And anyway, we heard he has a limp….. .
Leah Imeinu: Her father’s a con artist, and she has ophtalmological problems. Maybe it’s genetic?
Moshe Rabbeinu: Are you kidding? His parents are divorced! And worse.. they remarried! And we hear he’s in speech therapy….
King David: How dare you suggest him to our yichusdike family? Our neighbor Yenti told us that his great-grandmother was a giyoret!!!
Chava: Do you know anything about her family? We never heard of them. No one knows where she came from and she can’t come up with any referrals!
Please chevra, judge the person for him/herself – you’re going to marry the person, not the family. You’re getting married to build your home, not to please your neighbors. And finally, remember that if you are in this world, you are not perfect and neither is your spouse
I only just discovered this thread. Very grateful to “chocandpatience” for your endorsement. And then to realise that I could have seen that 6 months ago! One never knows what richess one has hidden out of sight.
Rivka emainu tells her father: “I want to get married!”
Her father responds in confusion :”You are only 3 years old!”
Rivka responds: “But I’m in the parsha!”
We had a bachur in our Yeshiva whose middos were so atrocious that we wondered if he ever could get married.
In fact he did very well.
He actually got married many more times than any other bachur in the yeshiva!
Does running late count as exercise?
I’m starting to take this “don’t drink and drive” thing seriously now.
I left my car at the pub last night and took the bus home.
I’m quite proud of myself really.
I’ve never driven a bus before!
On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club
members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking.
The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums and brandies until every bottle was empty.
“Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition,” said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. “We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there’s always a fifth.”
The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half
months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to
polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles.
Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots.
“It’s shameful,” said Shikker. “The OU is waging a whole campaign
against us, called ‘Now You Siyum, Now You Don’t.’ But we won’t be intimidated.
Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one’s davening.
“You can’t spell spirituality without spirits,” he noted.
He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the
haftarah “shokkel more during Musaf.”
Some rabbis see it differently, however.
“They shokkel because they can’t stand straight after all that
schnapps,” said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. “Or even worse, they desperately need the bathroom.”
Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one’s home.
“When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three
bottles of Four Roses,” said Shikker. “I’m very proud of that.”
Ms Critique: There is some misunderstanding there.
Rabbi Royde is the principal of Manchester Old and is not connected to any of the Gateshead Sems. The principals in Gateshead Old are Rabbi Kohn & Rabbi Miller.
As far as I know Rabbi M Salomon shlitah did not give a regular shiur there. Just once or twice a year.
That sem has a 3 year intense Kodesh program with no or little vocational courses. For studious frum girls it is an excellent choice.
Gateshead New (BCR) is headed by Rabbi Katz and during their two years program, they do have Kodesh in the morning and courses in the afternoon. Even less studious girls will be very happy there as there is a lovely family-atmosphere. It used to have a name of being a more modern sem, but Rabbi Katz has pulled it up over the years.
At a Yarchei Kalloh in Bne Berak many years ago, the Ponevezher Rav, Rav Y S Kahanemann ztsl, spoke very emotionally (I heard the recording of it) telling about a participants who a year earlier had asked him what he should do? He only received three weeks holiday in a year and therefore could only attend the Yarchei Kalloh if he worked Chol HaMoed. The Rav said that he had told him that working Chol hamoed was forbidden and reluctantly they had decided that the Yid could no longer attend the YK. “But this year he is here again and I asked him what happened. He told me that he had calculated that if he works an hour overtime every day for (I think) 4 months, he’d be entitled to 3 weeks extra holiday, and that is what he did”.
I’ll never forget the excited voice of the Rav ztsl.
Mee Ke’amcho Yisroel!
Many years ago we had Bob Hope, then we had Johnny Cash and more recently we had Steve Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs!
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Hellloooo,…………just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year… that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him..
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
2 GET and 2 GIVE creates 2 many problems.
But… double it:
4 GET and 4 GIVE solves all the problems!!
Wine does not make you FAT ….. it makes you LEAN ….(against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.)
Wow, this “alt” + numberpad thing is such fun. Each combination produces another figure. Long live the CR. Would never have known this otherwise ????
No. (Don’t even know what that is.) But possibly the person who sent them to me did.
Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn’t have his head covered, so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, “This is important… put your hand back on his head!”
to which Henry exclaimed,
“What, am I my brother’s kipah?”
My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day, and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Obama bumper sticker on it.
It read: “Pray for Obama.. Psalm 109:8”.
When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it up to the scripture.
She started laughing & laughing. Then she read it to me. I couldn’t believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too.
Psalm 109:8 ~ “Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him.”
Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?
Senior Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old man yelled to her:
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
and we have no idea where on earth he may be.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
addition to Ponderism:
Do you dream in black-and-white or in color?
In Litvishe yeshivos, before the war, they only got married at about 40!
(I once heard from Rabbi Zecharia Gelley shlitoh in the name of a maggid, I forgot which one, that when he saw these people marrying at an old age, he said that he now understood why the mishneh says BEN shemoneh esre lechupa: when they could have had already a son (Ben) of 18, they themselves go to the Chupah!)
There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”
He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Zukowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.”
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise “Change”,
but don’t count on things smelling any better.
1) Not the cause of the Pilegesh. He made the pesel Micha.
2) Rashi Sanhedrin 101b “Nismachmech” brings the whole Medrash, and in Semos 32-4 “Egel Masecho” he mentions it in passing
A man phones up a bar owner at his home at 11 o’clock in the morning and asked “what time does the bar open up?”. “5 pm” came the reply.
An hour later again, the same man slightly drunk, again asked “what time does the bar open up?” “5 pm” was the reply again.
At 1 pm and at 2pm the fellow phoned again with the same question, each time obviously more drunk than the time before, and again the reply of course was the same.
At 3pm when he phones again, obviously stone drunk and asks “whad dime hiccup dos de bar hiccup oben ub?” the irritated owner answers “I already told you 4 times, we open up at 5 pm but we will not let you in. You are too drunk!”.
The reply: ” I don’t hiccup wand to hiccup get in, I hiccup wand to get out!”.
Mark: Rabbi Michel’s brother, Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, once told me that his father, Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Twerski, the previous Hornosteipel Rebbe of Milwaukee, and the Steipler Gaon were named after the same person, namely his ancestor Harav Yaakov Yisrael of Cherkassy, one of the eight sons of Rebbe Mordechai of Chernobyl. They were actually very close and Rabbi Dr Abraham Twersky used to visit the Steipler Gaon who would consult with him on psychological matters.
There are many Rebbes named after American cities.
However one place is not likely ever to have a rebbe named after it: Michigan.
Why?
You would have to be mad to be called a Michigener rebbe!
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.
P.S. I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
P.P.S. No one over the age of 65 could drive more than one mile before having to have a grandchild come and restart the car.
I saw another name of a family on the link “booh” posted. They are a lovely family and their phone number is provided. They are located in the centre of town. Once again, I don’t know where your Chabad house is situated, so I can’t advise you which family is located more conveniently. The family I’m thinking of is not listed.
AN ILLEGAL POEM by Illegal Immigrants.
I cross river, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need go see Welfare.
Welfare say, ‘You come no more,
We send cash right to your door.’
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, Got plenty money,
Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them ‘come, fast as you can’
They come in buses and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor’s patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
I buy his house, and then I say,
‘Find more aliens for house to rent.’
In my yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash, ….
But they, too, draw welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
Soon we own whole neighborhood..
We have hobby, it called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think America very good place!
Much too good for white man race.
If they no like us, they can go,
Got lots of room in Mexico.
SEND THIS TO EVERY TAXPAYER YOU KNOW
Mod, can you please pass on my e-mail address to? Thank you.
Nope. I are sorry, but we cannot do that.
I know of a family in Amsterdam who take in lodgers and supply breakfast for a reasonable charge. They are situated in the Minervalaan, not far from the Hilton hotel. I don’t know how far that is from the Chabad house. I can get you their phone number but don’t think it would be safe to post on a public forum. If interested ask a Mod to pass on my e-mail address and contact me direct
A man without a wife is like a neck without pain!
Jails and Nursing Homes
Here’s the way it should be:
Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
– Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
– They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
– They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
– They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
– Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
– A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
– All meals and snacks would be brought to them
– They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
– They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education…and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
– Simple clothing – ie., shoes, slippers, pj’s – and legal aid would be free, upon request.
– There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
– Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
– They would receive daily phone calls.
– There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
– The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
– They would receive cold food.
– They would be left alone and unsupervised.
– They would receive showers once a week.
– They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
– They would have no hope of ever getting out.
“Sounds like justice to me!”
Can we please stop this childish bickering and get back to the very valid point made by the original poster.
It is at times extremely important to say the words in our tfillos correctly.
The most obvious one is also in birchas hamazon where many people speak about HKBH as BOREINU (=our pit) rather than BORE-EINU.
Another important one (de’orayso!) is the first word in the first parshe of Shema: Ve’ohavto. The stress must be both on the Aleph-kometz and on the Tov-kometz (ve’OhavTO)whilst many people say Ve’oHAVto which makes it past tense.
Chazan Benjamin Muller of Antwerp has on his website several examples of “Milim kesikunom”.
A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing”
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a long time for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til next week.”
The Wolf: In 1970 Harav Alter Halpern ztsl, a chashuva Talmid Chochom in London, published a small pamphlet “Some facts about Marcus Jastrow’s dictionary” in which he points to some examples of all different types of mistakes and questionable translations. Although most of those are perhaps “not the end of the world”, at least one of them is indeed worrying when it comes to hashkofo. Under “ner” (page 936) he writes that into the Ner Maaravi “as much oil was put as all the others together contained”. From Chazal it is clear that the NM burned longer miraculously. (His contention doesn’t make sense anyway, as there was no need to put 6 times the amount of oil into a light which burned only twice as long as the others).
If you want, I don’t mind sending you a copy of that article. Just send me an e-mail. The moderator will presumably be prepared to give you my e-mail address
Mexican Words Of The Day :
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car there’s not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, But che didn’t know how to read, So I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I’m not home, My fren always Texas me, Che wonders where I am!
5. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
6. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife. But che said chicken go herself.
7. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left But don’t worry wheelchair
8. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
If you see someone without a smile, give him one of yours
Spiders? I hate spiders, they drive me crazy!
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a cell. It was full of spiders.
Spiders? I hate spiders, they drive me crazy!
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a cell. It was full of spiders.
Spiders? I hate spiders, they drive me crazy!
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a cell. It was full of spiders.
Spiders? I hate spiders, they drive me crazy!
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a cell. It was full of spiders.
Spiders? I hate spiders, they drive me crazy!
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a cell. It was full of spiders.
etc
etc
etc
If Bin Laden would have heard all the jokes circulating about him, he would turn over in his wave.