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I know a few paralegals. You may be paid less than a lawyer, but you can actually have a life. (Unlike many lawyers.)
Shidduchim can be a priority as a goal, but that doesn’t mean you have to go out before you feel ready. All this panic seems to be a lack of emunah that Hashem will work things out at the right time. Go out when you’re ready. It’s better for you, your husband, and your future family.
Thank you Chup and gregaaron you are so right. I felt so sorry that it hurt him so much, but I knew it had to be done, and I do not reget my decision, but there is no really good way to do it. BH he got married to someone a lot more apropriate for him. I have a friend who went through a few intense break-ups, and she told me later that her husband is better for her than any of her previous almost husbands.
I agree with Always Runs with scissors fast- Polysporin worked really well for me when I had earing issues. I just kept putting it on my earlobe and on the real earings for a while. Alcohol just burned.
I have found my dreams to sometimes be just random thoughts, but at times its the closest link to my true self, and will tell me what I need to do for success. which is often the key to self growth. I don’t know if I can explain exactly what it is, but sometimes the greatest clarity comes from my dreams. I can see things in a different undisturbed perspective.
That leads me to another question that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. What if you are on the side that did the “breaking up”, is it appropriate to ask mechila years later? I still am unsure if it was done in the most sensitive way.
Listen to your inner voice. If it feels like something is off, you probably know, but it may be helpful to talk it out with someone you trust, or ask his rav or someone he knows well about it. Even if he does have negative issues, he could be working on improving (as seen by the fact he tries to cover it up).
Gumball, a loss of innocent human life is a tragedy. Also, why does one sad event negate another?
Even though I was not in New York at the time, school ended early. They were afraid of a terrorist attack at a Jewish school. I didn’t know what truly happened until I saw the footage. It was terrifying.
In my shul, some married people get galila, but it is mostly kids
Reuvein ben tova chaya still needs a refuah shleima. Does anyone know about chaya sara bas chava breindel?
Just a question bortez- are you planning on only working in the frum world after college? What will you do if you have to interact with a non-Jewish co-worker? Or deal with a client or vender? I know it’s a little bit different in college (I was assigned non-Jewish partners in college for multiple projects and I notice that some of them were less responsible), but not that different. It is good preparation for what is afterwards, it helps you establish those boundries that you need in the outside world.
How do you deal with burn out? It’s so hard to be optimistic.
I remember one teacher threatened one of my classmates with that. She was actually the first or second to get married-maybe less than 2 months after we came back from seminary. I heard many other threats, or teachers did stupid things, but I know looking back, they thought that they were doing teh right things. Or they lost it, when they shouldn’t have. Rather than bashing our teachers (many work very hard, take work seriously, and are not in this for the money), we should work on instituting better training for our teachers. I’m okay after my experiences, but some of my classmates aren’t. I don’t like blaming, but I wonder if that is why some of them no longer associate with ‘very frum’ crowds
There is nothing wrong with looking good, even for yourself. There is over the top and innapropriate. I’m laughing at this thread, because I cannot count how many well meaning people have told me to wear more make-up, dress nicer, etc, because I am single. It’s a bit of a double standard.
type in 1, 2, 3, in seperate cells. Highlight the three, and run your mouse over the right hand corner (where the small square is, you’ll get a plus sign, and drag it. All the numbers will populate. You can do the same thing for the time, just type atleast 2 times on the y axis. Best of luck!
I cannot believe the insensitivity to someone asking for advice. I’m sure that it is a struggle. However, a rebbi/mentor may be a better person to ask than the coffee room, but don’t make fun of someone who wants to do the right thing. whether he was Trolling or not, someone else might have the struggle and will see how other’s react, and not ask. Grown men have nisyanos with what they see too, and guess what, some married men struggle too. I once went to a taharas hamishpacha lecture where it was discussed. It is a real issue. It was the biggest turn-on for me when someone I dated turned away when an extremely untzniosly dressed woman walked past us. I can see how the summer months can pose more problems than usual, but there must be answers. Hashem should help you with this nisayon.
A TAHARAS HAMISHPACHA CLASS OR RAV IS THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS QUESTION, THE CR IS NOT.
Then are you saying that people cannot form their own opinions? We all just want to be copies of each other, just because? Why do you think that people cannot decide what ‘turns’ him or her on, and that society has to tell us? Just trying to understand your arguments.
PBA, if your reasoning is correct, then those who are married to people who are ‘unattractive’ according to the standard where they live, their marriages lack feelings for each other in that way, and if they move somewhere where the standards of beauty are different, that might change, because according to your reasoning all humans are insecure and need to look like the next person. You must be a fan of Aldous Huxley. People who are insecure (which the more I see, the more people I find who are insecure- that I agree with you)and therefore cannot decide what is beautiful. Is this what you are saying?
Also, about eating disorders, that may be the root. or circumstances that can cause the possibilty of an eating disorder to surface, but eating disorders are almost encouraged when young women are in shidduchim.
There is a major problem with creating a ‘beauty/attractive standard’ Attraction is subjective. I know a few young women who are very heavy, who got married at 19, and I know young women who are a size zero, and at 28, are not married. Attraction is important on both sides. It’s not fair to generalize schools or people. Ask yourself, why do fat people bother you? I know attraction to the opposite gender is not something yeshivos and seminaries may discuss, and that could be why we get our ideas from Barbie and Disney cartoons. Health is crucial, but it’s important to do good things for yourself, and not only for someone else. Hashem gave you a wonderful body, no matter what shape, and it’s important to take care of it.
happiest, you don’t have ‘nothing’, I’ve read quite a few of your posts, and you’re thoughtful and a great person with many fine qualities. One thought that helps me is what one of my friends told me, “Shidduchim are like clothes, sometimes one doesn’t fit you, but you’ll find one that does. There is a better one out there for you.” I also feel that way sometimes when I see girls that I knew from highschool with their multiple children and husbands, especially when I haven’t gone out in months, but I could never live their lives, and I’m happy with my life and the way Hashem is guiding me. Know that you have so much to offer whomever you marry, and you are no ‘less’ than them. You are just as precious to Hashem and have a tafkid that is just as important. Even though I don’t know your tehillim name, I will have you in mind.
The Fed-Ex person who comes to my office is a woman! And she’s cheery 🙂
Seahorse, you cannot pass up your bashert- no matter what anyone will tell you. (Some shadchanim have tried to scare me with that) Every stage that you are in life, Hashem has a zivug for you. I was listening to Rabbi Reisman who said that you can never mess up a shidduch. If it didn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. For me, I think it’s a connecting boy with girl issue,sometimes I see boys, who are single, and I wonder, why don’t people set me up with any of them? Some people have said to me when I’ve given them names, “I don’t set up shidduchim, find someone else.” Or I’ve heard they charge so much money. I am so dependent on our community- can’t they help me? I understand it is a lot of work, but singles need help. That being said, there are so many people (more than not actually) who are willing to help, even out of town, and moving to NY/Brooklyn is not always an option. It is also important to live in the moment and enjoy being single (as hard as that may seem, there are so many things you can do to enjoy this time). You can make such a difference in your own life and klall Yisrael at this point in your life.
There is no reason to be afraid, Hashem gives each person the tools he or she needs to succeed. It’s different once you leave the ‘yeshiva/BY/Day School system’, but you can choose to never really leave and take it with you. You can make choices. That is one good thing about being out of school, you can choose where to find your kesdusha and really connect with what turns you onto Yiddishkeit.
Brotherofurs- it is harder. You actually have to work to be ‘good’ and be an eved Hashem. It isn’t handed to you anymore, like in highschool or sem. That’s why marriage can help, you have a partner to help you, but that it sin’t always the path Hashem gives everyone, and sometimes people need to growth time before they get married.
There are ways to keep shtark when you’re single post-seminary. Attend and listen to many shiurim, have a chavrusa. I work in the secular world, and went to a secular college, and I can honestly say I have taken my experiences and grown. It is what you make of it, and where you feel you belong. I have a greater appreciation for Torah and a Torah lifestyle now (not that I would recommend it for everyone) You have more time when you’re single to nurture your neshama and take that with you when you are married. Your children and family will only gain from your kedusha. Hashem puts you in the best situation for you.March 4, 2011 2:04 am at 2:04 am in reply to: Rather stay single than marry someone who isnt what they envisioned……. #747326
No matter what you think in your heart, I hope you never said anything hurtful to a single of any age. It is so painful (even in your late teens/early 20s), and to deal with comments ‘blaming the victim’ and which are often false, and giving ‘tips’ can destroy a person. Would you tell someone suffering from an illness, “It’s because you did x, which made you sick.” Only Hashem knows why situations happen, and you should be caring rather than judging. There are many singles who would have loved to have gotten married at 19/23, but Hashem decided they needed another path. It is very judgemental to assume something so painful is a choice that every older single made. Just because someone is single does not mean you can generalize. I hope no-one feels like they’ve settled, or are happy that he/she only has a one hour a day spouse. Thank Hashem every day that you weren’t given that nisayon.
Many shadchanim do require a picture (from the girl), but you don’t have to work with them! I have a bigger problem with shadchanim who show the pictures to boys (or their mothers!), before they go out. I agree with bpt, if shidduchim is important enough to you, take the time to go out- even if it’s far. Being reduced to a picture is not just demeaning, it’s cheapening and can be very innacurate. Can you look at a picture of anything and know indefinately what it even truly looks like? Take pictures of Eretz Yisrael- if you’ve never been there, will they mean half as much to you? Some shadchanim I know keep pictures to keep names with faces, but some shadchanim I wouldn’t trust with my picture.
of course, I can’t say every situation was positive, and I can’t say there weren’t painful times too, but it really is what you chose to put your focus on. If one focuses on all the good in life, one could never count all of his or her brachos, and canine, it is not a reason to get married before you are 21. There are reasons to get married, and avoiding potential pain is not a valid reason. Marriage requires work too, and is not an escape.
No matter what anyone is saying about statistics, I have been to more weddings than I can count for young women over 21 this past year. (I think I went to at least 5 just over the summer, and have a few approaching.) I also want to mention to ha ha (the original poster of this thread)that there is nothing to worry about if are 21 and not married yet. Firstly, some people just take longer, and there is no reason to feel pressured. Hashem has it worked out, and hasn’t forgotten about anyone. Secondly, some of the best and life changing experiences that I will cherish forever happened to me after I was 21 and single. It’s all about how you chose to live your life with your circumstances.