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  • in reply to: Reliable Mashgiach #672926

    To address the rehtorical question–B”H we never had a goyishe babysitter, and never had a goyishe cleaning lady in our home without one of us home the entire time. We’re not “into” much cleaning help.

    So, are you saying that if the restaurant doesn’t have someone temidi then it can’t be halachikly relied upon, or is that a chumrah?

    in reply to: Shidduchim and Outside People “Helping” #673277

    Well, I’m not sure why my last line was edited, but I will re-phrase it this way: I think it would give a boost to all those singles in shidduchim if everyone that wanted to be involved in shidduchim would take it as seriously as the mitzvah warrants. First and foremost the feelings of the singles involved, and give it the depth it deserves.

    in reply to: Another Shidduch Related Question #675521

    Maybe instead of the boys mother getting her handwriting analyzed, she should just……..meet the girl? Many times the mother of the chosson meets her son’s kallah right before or even at the l’chayim. So, maybe it would be (out of the box) a good idea for her to meet the girl somehow and get an opportunity to use her bina yesaira that way.

    in reply to: Shidduchim and Outside People “Helping” #673276

    I think it’s important for anyone in shidduchim, no matter their age, to connect and find genuine, altruistic shadchonim that are interested in being involved totally l’shem shomayim. It cuts out all the narishkeit, and will save a lot of painful feelings.


    in reply to: Reliable Mashgiach #672924

    What happens to an establishment that has a frum owner, with no mashgiach temidi, and the owner leaves town for two weeks? Who is relied upon?

    in reply to: What Is a Tuna Bagel? #703787

    It’s just not comprehensible that we, a Memleches Kohanim V’Goi Kadosh, could stoop to such shallowness as to a label like this.

    We have more self worth then this. We are each a tzelem elokim–this should not be tolerated by anyone, even those that may take pride in it’s meaning. And I, for better or worse, don’t find this cute–it’s pathetic.

    in reply to: Screen Names #1176003

    hereorthere–a very prominent Torah teacher once told someone who suffered immensely in their life–“if you can find one thing to thank Hashem for every day, and focus on it for a little bit, it should help alleviate the pain of the suffering somewhat”.

    Sometimes it takes years to understand what the suffering was about–until then to find something to be grateful for gives hope even in the darkest of situations. Good luck. My screen name is what I strive for–not always successfully but that’s the goal.

    in reply to: Understanding The Haiti Tragedy #672898

    Hanistaros LaHashem Elokeinu……

    in reply to: Reliable Mashgiach #672919

    What are the basic standards according to the shulchan oruch that every kashrus organization would require as their bottom line reliability, chumros aside?

    in reply to: What Is a Tuna Bagel? #703765

    What is the origin of this label? Why Tuna Bagel as opposed to anything else? It is hurtful to be mikabel that shidduchim can be so one dimensional (i.e. levush, macher, blackberry, cool haircut etc.)

    When I red and deal with shidduchim the lingo that I’m involved with is:

    Ehrlich, Ben/Bas Torah, refined, dignified, ba’al/ba’alas middos, balanced, bright, sensible, goal oriented, kind, giving, thought out, spiritual etc. etc.

    Reminds me of the story of a Rov who was soliciting tzedaka from a wealthy Yid, and was refused entry to his home based on his mediocre levush. The Rov returned days later dressed exquisitely. He was granted entrace. When offered to sit down to a meal with the Ba’al habayis, he proceeded to put the food, very obviously, in his pockets. The gevir asked shockingly why the Rov was doing such a thing? The Rov responded “clearly it is my outer appearance that you respect”, “not the person that is wearing them”. “So, you are feeding my clothing, not me.”

    in reply to: Pay the Attempted Shadchan? #672574

    There are some popular shadchonim out there who charge a fee upfront. For a shadchon to say it after the fact I think may be out of line. Maybe even a choshen mishpat shaila.

    in reply to: Vehi Sheamda by Shwekey/Razel #673909

    I’m curious to know–are there chassanim and kallahs (current and past) that prefer/preferred not only the instrumental music be beautiful and inspiring, but the words to the song as well? Wouldn’t it uplift such a moment of intense tefillah and bakosha?

    in reply to: Is it Private Info or Not? #673090

    tamazaball- you really made me laugh when you addressed your post to “hashem”. I guess that would make it into the “most uncommon frum names” thread.

    I find it interesting for a principal to do such a thing. Is it shayoch that he can’t find out all the information he needs without consulting older talimidim?

    in reply to: Who Would You Like To See In The Next Hasc Concert? #816760


    in reply to: Vehi Sheamda by Shwekey/Razel #673902

    I don’t know if it is a popular song to walk down to at wedding, but no doubt it is a beautiful song, with a heartfelt melody. The question I would ask: is the melody the only important part of walking down to a song, or are the words that go with it something one is looking for as well, and can be a source of inspiration simultaneously?

    in reply to: Yeshiva Principal Enforcing No-Cell-Phone Policy; Proper Or Not? #673472

    I think a principal has a chiyuv to follow through with the rules of the school. If he won’t follow through, then why would the students follow the rules?

    in reply to: Computer Monitors and Eye Strain #671391

    WOW! Thanks bombmaniac for your help. I think maybe a screen name like techsavvy would fit well too.

    in reply to: Computer Monitors and Eye Strain #671389

    Quite honestly I really don’t know that much about the computer—windows xp sounds right though. I mainly use it for emails, YWN, and Word. That’s about it.

    Thanks everyone for your help.

    in reply to: Computer Monitors and Eye Strain #671386

    Thanks. I am very undereducated technologically–how do you change the font size? If more than one person uses the computer will it stay that large for them as well?

    in reply to: A Mouse In My House #993984

    A very sad joke that was told by a kiruv rabbi– (don’t meant to start controversy)

    A non-Torah clergy had a mouse problem. Went to three of his members and said–can you give me advice on how to get rid of them? One said, be kind and nice, and shower them with compliments. Didn’t work. Second one said, feed them–just feed them tons of good food, and then they’ll leave. Didn’t work. Third one said, “Gather them into the sanctuary and give them all a Bar Mitzvah.” They all left the next day.

    in reply to: Chasuna Music #1105857

    I agree with ronrsr. In fact on the contracts of some bands, the ba’al simcha can check off how loud they want the music.

    Music is meant to be listened to and enjoyed, and lead to being inspired–not digested by every pore in the body.

    I have been to numerous chasunahs where it is very clear that the ba’al simcha wanted there to be healthy level of sound, and the dancing was so geshmak!

    If you say hello to the person right next to you that you’re dancing with in the circle, and they say “what did you say?”–then the music is definitely too loud. And unenjoyable. Either that, or the other person was smart and wearing ear plugs–something more adults are doing at chasunahs.

    in reply to: Shidduchim – Meshugas or Acceptable #673713

    I think everyone needs to do what works for them. Everyone has different standards based on the way they decided to live their life.

    The issue I have is that they initially said yes, and since checking out the other family is a priority to them, then they did not do a good job—that probably raises a whole slew of other issues.

    If a person wants to be a certain way, and has given it genuine thought, and has da’as Torah backing them up, then be that way–but be consistant, and do it with yashrus.

    in reply to: Greatest JEW of the Decade Award #712217

    I don’t think any of us within the confines of our human minds could actually come up with who is the JEW of the decade. It is probably someone who has done incredible acts of mesiras nefesh that none of us, only Hashem, knows about.

    That being said, I think it would be an impossible award to give out. YIDDEN? Each one of us is a part of a whole….we’re so different and unique and special compared to the rest of the world, it’s just not shayoch to even comprehend because we’re all so interconnected, and work together in such special ways, no matter how different and divided we are.

    in reply to: YU’s Toeiva Discussion #670821

    I’m having a very hard time understanding the purpose of what the discussion/panel was about.

    Some are saying, that since this is likened to a “sickness”, we should have empathy for what they are struggling with. It was mentioned in a post that if someone has mental illness, we should learn to empathize. I imagine that is only if others are not hurt in the process. Only if the person aware of the challenges they are personally facing has no negative consequence to anyone else.

    I just don’t understand why everyone needs to know in a very public way, what these people are going through. What tachlis does it serve to the hamon am? Exactly what kind of empathy are they looking for, or do they need? Would it be more productive if they sought hadracha in a more personal, quiet way, and got the empathy they needed from the appropriate people, to help them through their struggle? I ask these questions because I truly don’t understand.

    in reply to: Memories of Bubby and Zaide #670574

    This will probably resonate with grandchildren of survivors:

    When I was very little, I would ask my Bubby a”h to wash the numbers off on her arm—she was so clean, and always in the kitchen—took me a while to realize they were there forever.

    Always had a freezer full of food and tons of guests. No one ever left hungry. Her emunah was incredible–“Everything is from the Heilige Bashefer” was always on her lips as were kapitlach of tehillim.

    Zaidy zt”l suffered as much as Bubby did in the camps. Incredibly, he always had a smile on his face, and loved a good laugh. His shabbos table was regal and inspiring, and his zemiros had a mixture of beauty and history. He loved to do mitzvos–he always got excited to light chanukah licht, build the sukkah etc.– always praised HKB”H that He kept him alive to be able to be an Eved Hashem.

    They were B”H zoche to see (bli ayin hora), many great-grandchildren.

    in reply to: When Moshiach Comes #671348

    “Ela, shibud malchuyos bilvad”–that in and of itself sounds like a tremendous change of what the world is like now. Please clarify: does this mean there will be no more missionaries? No more terrorism? No more captives? No more wars?

    in reply to: Crazy Shidduch Story #683767

    I second that bein_hasdorim—staying positive is the way to successfully attempt to solve any problem. It also helps in davening for much needed siyata dishmaya. We must try and do what we can, and then realize the end result is in Hashem’s hands (which is so emancipating).

    in reply to: Shwekey Concert At Beacon Theater! #671396

    I’m looking forward to hearing the recorded version.

    After listening to the many piece band that performed in Caesaria, I didn’t realize how powerful so many violins at once could be. The music was superb-and arranged beautifully. Very inspiring to listen to.

    in reply to: When Moshiach Comes #671344

    I also remember learning that the houses will be transported–renovated or not. I think what matters it what the people who live in those houses believe, and truly want to live in E”Y- b’yimos moshiach. Just the thought alone of all klal yisroel living in true shalom in the world–and everyone recognizing Hashem Echad–what could be more profound and uplifting?

    Did anyone ever hear that all the mountains will be flattened out, and will make room for all of klal yisroel?

    Imagine all of us by the Bais Hamikdosh davening together, answering that first Amen Y’hay Sh’may Raba????

    in reply to: How To Respond to a Brocha/Mazel Tov #684240

    Very nice and helpful (and cute) responses. Greatly appreciated.

    in reply to: Crazy Shidduch Story #683760

    Unfortunately, not all parents have learned how to communicate effectively with their children–If their child is in shidduchim and is afraid to communicate what is their own sincere wish for the future, that shows a lack of many years of working on lines of communication.

    It is naive for people to think that all parents can wake up one day and realize “oh, my child is an adult now and is going to make adult decisions, and we as parents have an achrayus to be supportive”. That takes years of investing in ones child altruistically.

    Especially when it comes to shidduchim, years of hard work and open lines of sharing and communication should already be in place.

    in reply to: How To Respond to a Brocha/Mazel Tov #684232

    Many years ago when I was in shidduchim, I would get a lot of IY”H by you, and I was very greatful for the brocha and always said Amein, thank you–(and I was definitely not “one of the first”).

    I’m interested to hear other ways people respond when they are the ba’alei simcha at a bris/kiddush, Bar Mitzva, L’Chaim, Wedding etc.

    in reply to: My Paint Brush #670194

    I think the last line “until I love me too” is really sad.

    I do think though that there are people that love themselves that still need a paintbrush. Not everything about oneself is meant for everyone.

    in reply to: When Moshiach Comes #671331

    What is there to be scared of if you are doing what Hashem wants you to do? We’re not all going to be wiped out chas v’shalom. Ani Ma’amin B’emunah Sheleima B’Vias HaMoshiach, V’af Al Pi Sh’Yismahmaya IM KOL ZEH Achakeh Lo B’Chol Yom Sheyavo!

    From what I understand we can’t even fathom the blissfulness of living in geula. Our job is to do what Hashem expects of us, and focus on that l’shem shomayim, surely not to be scared off by the milchoma. That’s Hashem’s cheshbon.

    This thread was meant to inspire us to be and do better so we can look forward to a time of peace, not to chalila scare people.

    in reply to: When Moshiach Comes #671327

    Rav Yechezkel Abramsky ZT”L, is quoted to have said in the name of the Vilna Gaon that Milchemes Gog U’Magog will last 12 minutes.

    That being said, we don’t know what kind of suffering it will lead to, but now is our chance to do the right hishtadlus to make sure we (personally) are zoche to be on the geulah side.

    According to the gedolim of our time, we are going through tremendous suffering–the birthpangs of Moshiach, and like in Mitzrayim by Makas Choshech (when 4/5 of yidden died because of their lack of emunah), we are losing thousands of yidden spiritually, to assimilation.

    I try to focus on what will be afterwards, so it will motivate me to daven for Moshiach. I heard recently from a prominent speaker, that we should daven for Moshiach for Hashem’s sake–we can’t even fathom the pain Hashem is in.

    in reply to: Crazy Shidduch Story #683757

    Chops, very well said.

    in reply to: When Moshiach Comes #671325

    Imagine–v’shavu bonim ligvulom! All of our family and friends, living together in the same country! We won’t have to get on a plane to get to all their simchos; we can walk down the block and have a shabbos seudah together; keeping in touch with long time friends won’t mean “so, how old are your kids now?” We’ll see each other being oleh regel….AMAZING!

    Does anyone know if it will be like right before ma’amad har sinai where all sicknesses were healed? Everyone will feel good and behave normally?

    And from what I understand everyone will have yiras shomayim, and love doing mitzvos?

    in reply to: Crazy Shidduch Story #683748

    CHEERFUL–I’m with happyOOTer–please, go to a mentor, or someone who you confide in, who will be there for you, and is not nogeia b’davar. Someone who will be a support system, and will not judge the choices you want to make. Then they can help you have the courage to communicate, in slow increments that which you need to, in order to have your parents slowly come onto your page.

    I don’t know your parents, but if we are assuming that they are balanced people, and are capable of altruism, then, although the process might be tough, eventually they will come around and be supportive. If they aren’t the “balanced type”, and make you fear sharing your true feeling, then a mentor and rov are the ones who can guide you in how to make the right decisions for yourself, and help you attempt to make your parents feel like they are being included.

    Hashem has given you “gut feelings”, a cheshek for what you want for the future and the kind of home you want to build. These feelings should be taken seriously, because who you marry is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life.

    in reply to: Crazy Shidduch Story #683742

    I’m curious to know if Dovid and Stranded (I sure hope her next name is going to be Engaged)are following their life story here in the coffee room. If so, good luck to you both and hope your dating career is a short one (no matter who you both end up marrying).

    CHEERFUL, ask your parents/friends whoever is “pressuring” you to make certain choices a question that you want them to answer honestly, with no “but…” as part of the answer. The question is this: “Do you want me to make a choice that will make ME happy?” Once they say yes, then say “good—do you trust that I can make good decisions for myself?” When they say yes, then say, “excellent, that is what I plan on doing when trying to find the person that I (emphasis on I) will be living with for the rest of my life, and I need your support on this. It will make an already difficult process much easier, and you will be doing a tremendous mitzvah by being the supportive role that I need. And, you will get tremendous nachas from me too.”

    Give it a try and let us know how the conversation goes….I’d keep the dating details to yourself though—-seems like we have enough entertainment here with Dovid and Stranded.

    in reply to: Most Moving Jewish Song In Your View #1096809

    I’m with thinking jew. That was the first song that came to mind, and no matter when I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes.

    I guess because it brings on the reality of how deep of a galus we’re in and the belief that there is going to be a geulah soon, produces tears of mixed feelings.

    The music/tune is something special and with Shwekey’s instrument-like voice, it hits you straight in the heart.

    I have a few others that come in close: Ana Hashem-Shlomo Carlebach, Forever One-Avraham Fried, English Shema Yisroel-Shwekey

    in reply to: Children and Prizes–Hindering Intrinsic Self Worth #669841

    Just to add to the understanding of self esteem/worth. There is a difference between self-esteem and self-conceit. Self conceit is an exaggerated opinion of one’s own qualities which leads to gaavah–that’s really not ok.

    Self esteem/worth is intertwined with emunah, a realization of gadlus ha’odom because we are a tzelem Elokim, and Hashem gave us kochos to reach our potential.

    One can only achieve that with the proper internal tools that will guide the desires one has to become what Hashem wants them to be.

    Proper chinuch is an integral part of making this all happen and blend together in a balanced way.

    in reply to: Shidduch Parshah Question #669952

    Listen to Rabbi Orlofsky’s tape on platonic relationships. Gives a straight forward, Torahdik, emesdik view on these topics.

    in reply to: Children and Prizes–Hindering Intrinsic Self Worth #669834

    I think, to put it succinctly,– there needs to be balance. I was pointing out the imbalance that is causing a significant lack of self worth/ self motivation, which deprives children of a potential balanced and healthy adulthood.

    in reply to: Struggling With Mental Illness #834093

    Kol HaKavod happiest. HKB”H should give you the koach to deal with this in the most beneficial way possible for you personally and all those who are a part of your life.

    May we be zoche to greet Moshiach to not only see a time that these illnesses are obliterated, but to see HKB”H pain free also. To know that Hashem shares in klal yisroel’s tzaar (personal too) is sometimes comforting.

    in reply to: My Paint Brush #670187

    One of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child is to teach them how to love themselves, a healthy self esteem, and the ultimate feeling that Hashem truly loves them. That is something that is priceless.

    It’s an arduous journey for an adult to try to learn to love themselves. Working on seeing that Hashem truly loves us, is one way to get there. Easier said than done.

    in reply to: Children and Prizes–Hindering Intrinsic Self Worth #669825

    bein_hasdorim–I’m not convinced that a cheap junky prize a day will have long lasting effects on keeping them pumped on yiddishkeit and good behavior. At a certain point they need to be weaned off the prizes so they can have some internal compass leading them towards self fulfillment. We’re not training l’havdil dogs here to just comply with what’s being taught, and then they’ll get a treat.

    They have a yetzer hora and yetzer tov, and with love and discipline blended properly, with a balance of positive reinforcement, then they can become stronger despite the weakening of generations.

    I brought this up because of what I have been witnessing across the board within school systems and homes, and I definitely see a handicap. I even see the kids that DO get rewarded for every little thing developing an apathy towards certain parts of yiddishkeit. That shows a lack in proper chinuch and an overdose on prizes which deprives them of the joy and sweetness felt in accomplishing from within.

    Chanoch l’na’ar al pi darko is for all generations. A great mechanech paraphrased that and said Chanoch l’na’ar al pi DORO—it is incumbent upon us to recognize the generation we live in, and be honest with the weaknesses. I just feel there are other ways to do it, which requires innovation, hard work, love, discipline and understanding……and giving a prize for each little thing is the lazy way out.

    in reply to: Children and Prizes–Hindering Intrinsic Self Worth #669808

    Well, I think the Torah, talks of Torah as a “Book of Obligations”. It is only society’s influence that has us believe that obligation denotes burden.

    When one fulfills one’s obligation towards onself, by keeping healthy and clean, should that breed a burdensome feeling and lead to resentment? “Ugh, I just hate taking these showers…and brushing teeth? why should I? they’re going to get dirty tomorrow when I eat anyway?”……but if I get a sticker on my chart –that’s ok for a 6 yr old but at (you fill in the age) then I’ll take a shower and brush teeth etc…..that’s a problem.

    My point was, the fact that we are fulfilling the obligations that Hashem has set forth for us, to fulfill our potential as an Am HaNivchar, should essentially give us a deep sense of fulfillment and even gratitude to be able to achieve great things.

    The constant positive reinforcement should eventually be innate, and therefore not require constant outside positive reinforcement. At a young age we can start out with the outside reward, but then have it lead to internal reward. BALANCE.

    in reply to: Children and Prizes–Hindering Intrinsic Self Worth #669806

    arc-I’m referring to all ages before teenage years-but more specifically the ages of 7-12. Those years are crucial in building who they are inside. They discover their own abilities in many areas, and if they are completely relying on a reward, then how are they going to know they can really do it on their own?

    haifagirl also said quite well, what we used to feel back in the day. We were thrilled to get a good mark on the test, and a “metzuyan” written by the teacher.

    I see that the children that are not dependant on rewards as they grow older, don’t shy away from hard work. They aren’t conditioned into laziness and aren’t afraid to try things they’ve never done before.

    One more point that Ben Levi brought up is the “Bill of Obligations”. How important it is to instill in our children that they must take pride in the fact that serving Hashem has to do with obligations and not rights. A hidden brocha that can be felt in doing mitzvos, and even those that come with a certain level of sacrifice, is a closer connection to HKB”H, and the drive to try even harder. It will be so sweet for our children to feel that, with each and every mitzvah, and I think that unfortunately to reward every little thing will take away the “geshmak” in doing mitzvos l’shem shomayim. There is a time for it, but definitely not all the time like is being practiced.

    in reply to: Children and Prizes–Hindering Intrinsic Self Worth #669803

    I agree that there are times for rewarding children’s accomplishments. Whether it’s for learning like the Rambam says, or for achieving certain goals, there are appropriate kinds of rewards for children.

    But when it becomes an expectation by the child–“ok, I’ll do it, but what will I get for it?”–that is, in my opinion a failure in chinuch. It sometimes even carries over to the home, nebach, where the child says “what will I get if I make my bed, clean my room, help for shabbos?” What kind of adults will that produce? Surely it will lead to immense disappointment when they enter the adult world and not everything they do is rewarded.

    As parents and mechanchim, I believe that one of the best gifts we can give our children is the ability for them to be self-sufficient, have an intrinsic self worth, and realize that they can accomplish on their own, without incentive/reward, great things because of the kochos that Hashem blessed them with.

    in reply to: How Toeiva Marriage Is Relevant To The Torah Jew #670242

    The more kedusha there is, the more tumah that comes….

    So, although I may be puposely be saying this naively, it is good to know that there is so much kedusha being brought into the world.

    I do hope and daven that we will never have to explain to our children the disgusting possiblity of what a toeiva marriage is chas v’shalom, or that it chalila be recognized as “normal”. If this is going to pass in society, then so will the possibility of people marrying their animals….oy Hashem Yishmor…we need to get out of this golus not just for our sake, but mostly for Hashem’s–we must daven for the geula for Hashem’s sake–can we even fathom Hashem’s pain when He sees how low humans are going again?

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